Advice on a Girl Problem...

[logan222]

Hey, guys, I'm not necessarily a regular here, but I was hoping I could get some advice on a problem I'm having.

So, I'm still closeted and 22. In high school, I had three of my very close female friends tell me that they liked me. I've been able to break it easy with them and still be friends with them. I didn't feel comfortable telling them that I wasn't attracted to them because I'm still not ready to come out of the closet. Those girls that told me they liked me are great, but I just didn't see them in that way.

However, there's this other girl. She's gorgeous and I've had a crush on her since a few weeks after I met her. She's very sweet, nice, and conservative. Her smile makes me melt sometimes. She started dating one of my close friends, so I kind of ruled her out for a very long time. They broke up after a year and I was there to console her when she was heartbroken. Recently, I thought she had started flirting with me in very subtle ways.

Today, I think she made it more than obvious that she's interested. She tells me that she's not interested in her current boyfriend and that her dad would never approve of him. She mentions that she's looking for someone else that she likes and that her dad would also approve of. When she describes this "perfect guy" for her, it literally sounds like she's reading off a description of me. I notice at her staring at me when I look her away and she gets nervous when I catch her. The way she says things also imply that she's interested in me.

I hooked her up with her current job, and we have community meetings that we have to go to together. When I was driving home, she texted me that she was driving behind me. I got off the side of the road and she did too. It was really weird. I felt like we both wanted to just make out randomly in the field, but I couldn't start it, and I felt like she wanted me to start it. We just ended up eating chips and drinking soda and laughing about the things we observed from the people at the meeting.

I feel really bad. I do like her and sometimes I feel like I can see a future with her, but I like men. That's what makes things scarier. I feel like I am genuinely attracted her. Not all women, just her and maybe a few select women.

And I don't think that makes me bisexual. I definitely feel gay, meaning that I am attracted to males, but there's something about her that I can't resist.

I really wanted to kiss her tonight when we stopped on the side of the road, but I had to stop myself. It wouldn't be fair to her. She's actually kind of religious, and if I start anything with her, it would just be traumatizing for her when I eventually tell her that I'm attracted to men. I don't think I would feel complete in a committed relationship to a woman, but then sometimes I don't know.

I'm not ready to tell her the truth because I don't want to lose her as what we are, but her signals are getting stronger and I don't want to hurt her feelings and pretend that I'm just flat out not attracted to her.

What do you guys think I should do? For the other girls that liked me, it was easy to let them down easy, but this one, I kind of want, but then at the same time, I feel I can't.

It's very frustrating. I wish I were only allowed to be attracted to one gender exclusively, and like I said, I don't feel bi. I guess maybe it's being gay with VERY rare exceptions. Does anyone understand that? Am I totally nuts?

 

[Whisper]

Well, you asked advice from guys, but surprise, here's a girl answering to you

In my opinion don't give her false hopes. You may not be ready to come out, but if you really do prefer men, don't go further with her. You both end up hurting. Maybe it would be best to be honest with her, although since I don't know her, I can't tell how she'll react, but we women do have some good moments too Talk to her

I wish you good luck :hug:

 

[logan222]

Thank you so much for the advice, Whisper! Pardon my ignorance, but I didn't even know there were girls in here.

I don't feel comfortable telling her that I do like her, but that I'm basically gay and don't feel right doing that to her (or me). I also don't feel comfortable doing what I did with my other female friends, which was tell them very nicely that I'm not interested but still want to be friends like before. It's really hard! It's like you know you can't have someone, but you want them, but you know it's not right, but you can't bear to completely ruin the chance of it happening, but then you have to think of the future. It's really frustrating!

I wish I could understand my sexuality more than I do now.

 

[Whisper]

Thank you so much for the advice, Whisper! Pardon my ignorance, but I didn't even know there were girls in here.

I don't feel comfortable telling her that I do like her, but that I'm basically gay and don't feel right doing that to her (or me). I also don't feel comfortable doing what I did with my other female friends, which was tell them very nicely that I'm not interested but still want to be friends like before. It's really hard! It's like you know you can't have someone, but you want them, but you know it's not right, but you can't bear to completely ruin the chance of it happening, but then you have to think of the future. It's really frustrating!

I wish I could understand my sexuality more than I do now.

There are girls here too, not so many and not so active, but this is an excellent place for us who likes to see hot guys with other hot guys Although not all my friends would understand it, especially if I'd told them I'm a moderator in gay porn forum...

I have to say that your situation is not the easiest one, but eventually you have to do something about it, after all you can't have the cake and eat it too

 

[Elrohir]

I'm also a girl, and just joined this site today. I'm gay, and I still think male gay sex is hot!

I'd second what Whisper said about being honest with her. The fact that you _are_ so attracted to her suggests that she's more than just a pretty face. Besides, clearing the air may help dissolve the sexual tension and help y'all to just be tighter friends. Or...it may be that she still wants to give it a shot. In that case, you'll feel so much better that you haven't been keeping something so important from her. You know?

 

[Shadow]

I think that the advice you have been given is very good, there is nothing like a bit of honesty, but I also understand your situation about being "outed". Some thing's in life are never easy.
Welcome to the forum Elrohir, hope we hear more from you.

 

[topdog]

Lots of good advice, here. I'll just re-arrange some of it from my perspective.

You may be sexually attracted to a certain type of body, but you fall in love with a person. That's primarily what you're dealing with here, and I would go about it with the same respect and honesty of any other romantic relationship. In other words, don't get hung up on the gender. Follow your feelings. And no one is asking you to marry her - you're just contemplating a kiss or a date.

But here we get to the catch - you are not out to her and your friends. To put it another way (and I mean no judgement in this), you are not ready to be honest with your friends about who you are. I'm sure you have good reasons.

But this is something that you need to think through, and dealing with the closet issue may even be more important than pursuing this possible relationship at this moment in your life. Because, as I think you are even implying yourself, it's not really possible to have an intimate relationship with another person, if you have to disguise a very basic part of your personality.

For example, coming back to this attractive girl - where could this relationship go if you can't tell her that you are (somewhat) gay? If she doesn't know about that part of you, she will likely misinterpret some of your actions or feelings, and conclude that there must be something wrong with her.

Of course, not being out even complicates a romantic relationship with a man - because, what are you going to do - hide the love of your life from all your family and friends? How long do you think your boyfriend would put up with that?

I'm not trying to make you feel romantically hopeless, but rather just say this: If you can't be out right now, what are the steps you need to take to get there? Because as far as intimacy goes, your life really can't start until you move past this barrier. As others have said, relationships depend on honesty. That's the place you need to get to.

So, try to imagine what that would look like, and start getting the pieces of your life in place that will help you get there.

Wishing you as much passion and love with as many men and women as your heart can hold -

TC

 

[kurt]

First of all, your description of her is so romantic I'm falling in love with her in my brain. *How I wished a man would stop and eat chips with me when we meet on the road in different cars. swoon*

Anyway, this is definitely not rare!! I know because I felt the same. And no surprise, I'm still closeted as well.

I must agree with all that is said here. If you can't be honest about ur sexuality, many things will b screwed up. But then again, coming out is something that will have so much effect in your life that you have to really consider b4 doing it.

I can't say much for you so I'll just tell you about my situation so you can see one of the way things might turn out.

I'm 22 too (that awkward age when everyone around u has a gf n your parents keep asking where yours!) I fell in love with a girl and she did too. She was single but being asian (I live in Asia, don't ask where), her signals were not as obvious as your friend.
At that time, I questioned my sexuality like you did (you said u wish u understand more about ur sexuality). I asked: Am I gay if I love a woman? Can I be with her but not have sex with her?
But what makes me not pursue my feelings for her was that I'm afraid. Afraid that she will be disgusted with me (it's a strong word but I really felt so). Afraid that she wont like me if she knew about me.

But I was not ready to be honest with her. I was scared that if things dont work out, she'll hate me and go round telling everyone that I'm gay. And I don't want that.

What I did was to ignore my feelings for a year. Then she gave up and found herself a bf.

Recently, we got drunk and I came out to her. And guess what she said? She really liked me. Her current boyfriend is something like a substitute for me. She always argued with her boyfirend and wished that he was more like me.
The next day, she told me to forget everything she said.

Till now, I can't get over that awkwardness. But my usual m.o (modus operandi) is to evade the issue. So, we just pretend like nothing happened.

Not that my advice is any good but if you can, tell her the truth. You never know. You can't live your life worrying about everything. At least then you'll get an answer. Like I did.

*After I came out to her, I felt really stupid for thinking before that she might tell others that I'm gay. I realised that I knew she wont but I was just too damned scared. * And we're still friends, with a certain level of awkwardness? yes. But still friends.

 

[logan222]

Thank you so much to everyone for the advice. I really do appreciate it. I am not completely ready to out myself, but I definitely think I am getting myself ready for it. I'm trying to test the waters with everyone in my life that matters (my family and close friends). While they would treat me differently and that would hurt a lot, I don't think it would be the end of the world anymore. I feel like to feel comfortable coming out to a family that thinks homosexuality is a misfortunate sin...you really just need time to yourself to mature enough to at least be comfortable with yourself and cope with everyone you love seeing you as a little less than you used to be.

Kurt, you couldn't be more right! I hate it when everyone is all like, "Well, everyone else has a girlfriend; why don't you?" That's why I avoid a lot of extended family gatherings where there are aunts and uncles and cousins that I haven't seen for a long time. They always tell me, "What's a handsome, smart guy like you doing NEVER having a girlfriend?" It sucks! It really does.

Thanks for sharing your story, Kurt. I feel like it is actually pretty similar. I also feel like she would be disgusted if she found out I'm into men. Like I said, she's kind of religious (but not a religious nut). Maybe if I tell her eventually (like I said, I'm totally not ready right now), then it might be likely that she won't think I'm disgusting...but things would be awkward. In that awkwardness, I think I would be paranoid that she thinks I'm disgusting for liking men.

And you guys are right. I can't have my cake and eat it too. I have to prepare myself more to get ready to come out. I am going to go back to grad school soon, so I will try to work things up so that I can come out once I'm out of my parent's house. No promises, but I really hope I'm able to do it then.

Topdog, I totally agree with you. Sometimes, I think sexual orientation labels are lame. I genuinely believe that people, if open to the opportunity, could fall in love with anyone (even if they've been conditioned to believe they aren't supposed to like people from that gender). I think it is true that most people generally prefer one sex over the other in terms of sexual preference, but I think sexual orientation labels give us a sort of tunnel vision that doesn't allow us to look at people from the other gender. Like I said, I feel very gay! lol
By that, I mean I feel very attracted to men, but that hasn't stopped me from harboring feelings for women.

The thing that makes all of this harder is that I've never really been in love with a good gay gay (GGG). I've had a few flings with "straight" men that were just curious and questioning their sexuality a bit, but those obviously never lead to anything. All of the available (as in gay) guys I've met have been jerks, manwhores, or overly feminine. I'm not attracted to feminine men. Some of my friends that "came out," turned into bitchy guys that criticize everything, think they are fashion gurus, and slowly but surely started to feminize their appearance. I wish there was a nice, masculine, intellectual gay man ready for a relationship somewhere out there waiting for me...Well, we can always hope!

 

[topdog]

...The thing that makes all of this harder is that I've never really been in love with a good gay gay (GGG). I've had a few flings with "straight" men that were just curious and questioning their sexuality a bit, but those obviously never lead to anything. All of the available (as in gay) guys I've met have been jerks, manwhores, or overly feminine...

Hang in there! The internet can be your friend here because, just like you are doing now, you can talk to other gay guys (and gay-friendly women!) without having to be out yourself.

And once you are out, some of these issues will sort themselves out. You are not meeting your handsome, masculine, GGG right now because:

1. By definition, you can't tell by looking that he is gay.
2. He thinks you are straight, so he's not broadcasting his availability.
3. If you hang out with mostly straight guys you will eventually fall in love with one because they seem to be your only option.

Trying things out at university sounds like a good plan. It's an ideal opportunity to spread your wings a bit in a social scene where no one has any pre-conceived expectations of you.

So, you are moving forward, and you also know your heart is in good working order for when Mr. GGG (or Ms. GGG, who knows?) comes along.

Also I have to commend you for the thoughtfulness with which you have approached stepping into a romantic relationship with this girl. You have shown great respect for her feelings and the impact this would have on her. There are a lot of guys that would have just thought of their own desires, and left her to deal with the consequences. You are a good friend.

 

[logan222]

Hang in there! The internet can be your friend here because, just like you are doing now, you can talk to other gay guys (and gay-friendly women!) without having to be out yourself.

And once you are out, some of these issues will sort themselves out. You are not meeting your handsome, masculine, GGG right now because:

1. By definition, you can't tell by looking that he is gay.
2. He thinks you are straight, so he's not broadcasting his availability.
3. If you hang out with mostly straight guys you will eventually fall in love with one because they seem to be your only option.

Trying things out at university sounds like a good plan. It's an ideal opportunity to spread your wings a bit in a social scene where no one has any pre-conceived expectations of you.

So, you are moving forward, and you also know your heart is in good working order for when Mr. GGG (or Ms. GGG, who knows?) comes along.

Also I have to commend you for the thoughtfulness with which you have approached stepping into a romantic relationship with this girl. You have shown great respect for her feelings and the impact this would have on her. There are a lot of guys that would have just thought of their own desires, and left her to deal with the consequences. You are a good friend.

I never thought of it that way, but it makes perfect sense. Of course I can't shop around for a GGG when I'm still a CGG (closeted gay guy). There might be a lot of people around that are like me; gay but not projecting it out. Really, there'd be no way to know whether I'm gay or not. I guess you don't really know about gay people unless they're flaunting their sexuality. Because of my long-term closetedness, I've tended to shy away from sexuality, so people might even think I'm somehow asexual. lol

Something else that has sort of kept me in the closet is the fact that I'm actually doing pretty well in there. I'm not desperate for a relationship although I know I want one later on in the future. So, I guess another question I wanted to pose is...Is it bad or shameful to stay in the closet just because I'm doing fine in there? Sure, I'd love to be more open about it, but my closetedness really isn't tormenting me or stopping me from being who I am. I guess deep inside, I've just been naively waiting to find my GGG so that I could have a real good reason to out myself, but finding a GGG isn't likely to happen if I don't let other GGGs know that I'm also a GGG. But how do I let them know besides saying, "Hi, I'm gay!"? I'm not good at flirting or giving off gay vibes. I'm also not big on traditional social traditions like clubbing or going to bars; I don't even drink.

The only openly gay guys I know are so fun and wild. Sometimes, I'm worried that they'd all think I'm just a bore.

Topdog, thanks for your compliment! My own fear of rejection has taught me to be very sensitive when it's other people that like me and I can't reciprocate the feeling. I don't think it's ever fair to just say or give off the vibe of "I'm not interested; get out of my life!". I'm still very good friends with the three friends of mine that have revealed to me that they were interested in me. One of them commended me on approaching the situation so well. I even helped her meet this one guy that she's currently dating and is very happy with. I think everyone should be nice and appreciative when they're told someone like them. It's a compliment - a huge compliment! You're not forced to reciprocate it, but it should come off as nice and respectable if you're not going to.

For this girl that I kind of like, I think I'm going to have to talk with her and tell her that I would definitely be interested in her, or that I am, but it wouldn't work out for a reason that I'll have to wait and tell her some time in the early future. I really hope she'll understand. I'd love to at least have something with her, but I don't think my sexuality would be able to cope with a long-term monogamous relationship with a woman...and she definitely deserves better than that.

Also, I laughed at Ms. GGG, or Ms. Good Gay Guy! Thanks again, everyone, for all the great advice! You guys and gals are amazing. It feels so liberating to have supportive people to vent with! I should have done this years ago!

 

[logan222]

I would have to classify myself as bisexual, yet have always only held relationships with girls. When I started going out with my current girlfriend of many years now I let know all about my feelings and some of my history on that side. She was perfectly accepting of me and shared that she as well shared some of those same feelings.

Years years later we are still together and love each other so deeply and beyond any other person. I remain closeted to everyone else in my life and don't know how I could ever share that info, although it's none of their business anyway. I truly believe the term "bisexual" is even more taboo and confusing to people, since it removes the chance for others to simply compartmentalize the very broad and complex nature of sexuality.

Sounds like you are happily in a great monogamous relationship! I'm glad your girlfriend was okay with your bisexuality; so wait, did she end up telling you that she is bisexual too?

I think everyone has at least some bi-curious tendencies. I'm definitely into guys, but there are some girls I'd possibly go "bi" for! It's a VERY limited amount of girls though...lol

 

[Cherylicious]

Well, you asked advice from guys, but surprise, here's a girl answering to you

In my opinion don't give her false hopes. You may not be ready to come out, but if you really do prefer men, don't go further with her. You both end up hurting. Maybe it would be best to be honest with her, although since I don't know her, I can't tell how she'll react, but we women do have some good moments too Talk to her

I wish you good luck :hug:

What? There are girls on a gay porn site. I didn't know that.