Advice

[Haplo]

(Oh, this topic brings me to 100 posts...)

Ok, let's get serious.
Well, from where should I start? I live in a homophobe/bigot family, so I'm still in the closet (my brother has got some doubts due to some hidden files he stumbled upon, but except for some remarks here and there, he keeps quiet).
Now about the rest of the world, nobody knows either. Some friends on the homophobic side, some not, but I kept silent.
After the brief intro, the problem.
My best friend (obviously straight, otherwise where would the problem be? :?)
We've known each other since the beginning of high school, now we're attending uni in different cities but we're still in contact. Very similar to each other, to the point that some people thought we were related rofl, he practically knew everything about me and vice versa. During high school he helped me a lot through my depressions and emotional swings (yeah, in 2009 I often started crying and panicking for no apparent reason) no matter what, even when I got angry with him just to take it out on somebody or something, he was still by my side, I seriously don't know where I would be without him...
On the homosexuality matter apparently he's quite neutral.
Whenever I think about it, not coming out to him makes me ~X(, I believe I can trust him in keeping it secret, but there is always the fear of change, that nothing is going to be the same... So, what should I do? Keep everything as it is or take the chance? :?:worried::thinking::?

 

[BugsyB]

no one can answere that for you babe..its something you have to decide, your closer to it than any one, so what do think you should do?

 

[Haplo]

I would not over-deliberate or analyse too much.

Unfortunately, that's a big problem of mine, usually before I speak I've already analyzed what I'm going to say, how, and the main outcomes. But this a matter more important than the usual ones...
Oh well, I've still got time to decide what to do, I won't be able to meet him face to face for some time...

its something you have to decide, your closer to it than any one, so what do think you should do?

The fact is this is not the first time I want to tell him, it's practically seasonal, sometimes I was there, all "hey, I need to tell you something", and then backed out at the last moment... It feels almost 'wrong' to be silent with him, but I can't bring myself to tell him....

 

[Mamah]

Hello Haplo. Your friend sounds a really nice guy and my guess is he already thinks you're probably gay. One test I've used is: what does he say about other gay people? Just mention someone known to be gay now and again and notice his reaction.
One other thing - very, very few people (even the nicest) can keep a secret, it just seems to be a human weakness.
I hope it goes OK for you.

 

[Haplo]

One test I've used is: what does he say about other gay people? Just mention someone known to be gay now and again and notice his reaction.

A good way to test his reaction without being too obvious... :thinking: Gotta remember this one...

One other thing - very, very few people (even the nicest) can keep a secret, it just seems to be a human weakness.
I hope it goes OK for you.

I know... Even though I trust him (and it's quite rare for me to trust someone), it's one of the reasons that holds me back.... Oh well, only time can tell how it'll go...

 

[XMan101]

I have mixed views on this.

I'm Bi as I believe all are underneath. I once thought I was completely gay and I had the feeling I wanted to tell everybody. What was actually worse was later in my life trying to explain why I had a girlfriend! I effectively had to come "out" or "in" all over again!

It's nice to feel relaxed with good friends and if they are good friends they will completely understand and not care. But does he go around telling everyone he's straight? Why does it matter, we are all different and I can understand that you might want to talk about a hot guy you've just seen. That's the only difference in my mind. For 99% of the time it's nobody else's business.

I regard gay, straight or bi as completely equally normal and never judge a person in sexuality terms. Nobody should ever feel the need to define themselves or categorise themselves.

Just my latest rambling thoughts

 

[Otage]

If you tell and he handels it poorly.. well it tells smth about him. I told my friend who took it seemingly well but after that he hasn't really contributed to our friendship. So I just told him to f**k off. It was problem to him and he didn't want to work it out so be it. I tried as much I could but I'm not gonna waste my life on that.
Do what you really want. It's your life and you have to do what you think is for the best. And if things get messy... well theres always somekind of soap available

 

[richym]

Hey Haplo,
Sounds like a tough situation. It's so hard to live with no-one knowing (done that for years), and sometimes to actually be open and completely you with your friend will sound like a great thing. And hopefully it works and it is a wonderful thing. I agree with Mamah, in conversation bring up other gay people, or some gay news story, and see what he thinks about it all. Hopefully you can start to work out if he is accepting of gay people or not.
Ultimately I guess you need to be ready for it all. I think when the right time comes, then you will be able to share it with your friend.
I hope and pray that your friend is the awesome friend that you describe and that he will accept you fully as you are. That he can be your best friend fully. Take care of yourself.

 

[Askani]

I have mixed views on this.

I'm Bi as I believe all are underneath. I once thought I was completely gay and I had the feeling I wanted to tell everybody. What was actually worse was later in my life trying to explain why I had a girlfriend! I effectively had to come "out" or "in" all over again!

It's nice to feel relaxed with good friends and if they are good friends they will completely understand and not care. But does he go around telling everyone he's straight? Why does it matter, we are all different and I can understand that you might want to talk about a hot guy you've just seen. That's the only difference in my mind. For 99% of the time it's nobody else's business.

I regard gay, straight or bi as completely equally normal and never judge a person in sexuality terms. Nobody should ever feel the need to define themselves or categorise themselves.

Just my latest rambling thoughts

No matter how many times I tell my friends I'm gay they still ask or say that if a girl was hot enough I'd hook up with her... true, happened several times, so I just say I'm 99,9% gay now xD ppl dont care if you're gay or straight that much here, but some ppl think that being bi is wrong xD promiscuous xD crazy, etc xD so to avoid a big fuss I say I open some exceptions every now and then xD

 

[ritsuka]

I agree with Integrasio that a large percentage of straight guys do constantly go around telling people they are straight, making a deal out of it, 'flaunting' their heterosexuality, making comments of disgust at any implication of another boy's body being attractive or in any way nice; they are often only interested in viewing or creating art, films, music, that has a purely heterosexual bent.

Of course the most casual way to come out would be to start sentences with 'my boyfriend...' and then talk more about it if the other person wants to. But if that is not the case, then finding some other indirect way to broach the subject might help you build your confidence in the idea that this friend will stay with you. He sounds quite sensitive and kind, so I don't imagine you will have a problem. But remember, anyone that does reject you once you come out is not worth being around anyway.

 

[Askani]

Not quite, some ppl only need some time to adapt, it's not like they rejected you, sometimes it was jsut a shock. Some change their minds, lots of my friends did... others didnt though xD

 

[jw4833]

I too come from a homophobe family as well...I confided to my mom and she swore things would stay between her and I and it would be up to me to tell the other members of my family when I am ready to do so...Unfortunately, she told everyone and even extended family members within an hour after telling me that..The relationship has been strained for years to the point that I had accepted the abandonment and it had only made me a stronger and better individual. Secondly, when I confided in my straight friend..it was something that was not forced, but something inside of me had made me feel when the moment was right..and that is the way you should handle yours...you will not have to try to figure out when is the right time to tell him because it will happen naturally when the time is right..Remember the timing is so important...Good luck..

 

[lhardwick69]

true friends will accept you for who you are--false ones wont--when i came out my friends split like i was godzilla waiting to eat them up--even the one that was fucking me at the time he was ok as long as no one knew about it


the thing is alot of families are homophobes because they either never dealt with it in their lifetime up close and personal life isnt a movie like doing time on maple drive where one tells his folks he is gay and all they say is dont use the word gay that was a good word back yrs ago--quote unquote---if you live alone or with someone that helps pay rent--by all means tell certain people you are very close to--if they love you they will cope and adapt to it--but it wont happen that night or over wek or two for some people--then again my family is cool with it--still with them--you know what situation you would be in---if you think your friend can help out through this time of need---then go for it--if not then keep to yourself--just tell him alone where no one else is around tell him you have something to tell him but dont want it to change anything between you two and that you need someone you can talk to and that he is your best friend--if he is a true friend then he will be there for you

 

[Haplo]

Oh my, this topic has been brought back to life...:blushing::?
Well, thanks for the new answers.
As shown by the lack of new info, in the end I didn't tell him anything once again, and with the uni exams coming up, it went to the back of my mind... Now? Who knows...

 

[dex71]

My only advice is that if (as someone else said before) your mate is a real friend he will not care if you are gay or whatever. Intelligent people don't judge based on simple labels.
But straight people can fell intimidated by gay friends at the beginning thinking "oh he's not just a friend, he fancies me!" or all these stupid paranoias, but as long as you explain clearly your feeling you should be ok!

 

[Tjerk12]

Such a problem is so personal and people are so different that a simple advise is impossible. But what do you want to achieve by telling him? That's the major question. Will it en richen your friendship in a way that it is worth to take the risk to destroy it? Only you can give the answer.
My nickname is Tjerk. That is the name of a friend I had on university. We felt a great attraction. He was gorgeous. Our friendship was platonic. He knew that I was bi and I knew that he was bi, but we never told each other. It was not necessary. Words could not tell we already knew. We never touched each other, because we both knew that it could endanger our marvelous relationship. He went abroad after his study. We hugged before he left. We both knew that we would never see each other again. This memories are one of the diamonds in my mind (and I am sure it is for him the same). If I could things do over again, I would act the same way.
This is not an advise, just my way to show that there are various kinds of choices.

 

[jaxfltop]

I have taken in several friends over the years whose families have kicked them out when they found out they were gay. The youngest was 16 ( I made sure his mom who wasn't quite as big an a-hole as his father knew where he was in case she ever left the jerk). Every one of them (after adjusting again) was happy that they told there family, not so much because how the family took it, but because of the pressure it took off of them. One guy I took in (the only one that wasn't my direct friend before he was on the streets) was having panic attacks for about 3 yrs before he came out to his family and they all stopped after he came out. I just think if you are going to come out, make sure you have support available to cover you if the worst happens (such as a place to stay if still living at home) and hope for the best. you don't have to announce it to everyone you meet, but you shouldn't have to hide from the most important people in your life

 

[mosaik]

Lots of good advice here!

Right now may or may not be the best time to come out; but do not live your whole life in the closet. Eventually you will be much happier in the open.