If you're into men and not women you're gay. If you are turned on by women and not men you're straight.
Once you move past those easy absolutes, you are in the area where there are different definitions, depending on what aspect of sexuality you want to focus on.
Sexual Orientation 101
Sexual orientation is an aspect of everyone's psychology. It doesn't matter whether you are attracted to the same or opposite sex - it still works the same way for everyone.
When we talk about sexual orientation there are three aspects that are, of course related, but still separate.
- Physical attraction - "Check out those tits!", or "Look at that guy's butt!". It's the sweaty palms when someone attractive brushes against you, and getting off sexually either in person or in fantasy.
- Emotional bond - This includes the experience of falling in love. You enjoy the presence of the other person and grow in functioning as a team.
- Social identification - "I am Topdog and I am part of the gay community." This is taking on the identity of being a part of a specific group - in this case gay, straight, or bisexual. This is cultural; in other words it changes from place to place and through time. Where the first two aspects are not under your control, this one is. You may sleep with men ten times a week, but still consider yourself straight, because your behavior is inside the bounds of your experience of how straight men act. (And not how gay men act, as you understand it.) In some cultures it is common for men to have sex with each other, but it's just a part of their life and they are still considered straight. In some places as long as you are the active partner you are straight, but if the are the passive partner then you are gay.
Identification can be a difficult area to get your head around because culture is constantly changing. In addition our understanding of sexual psychology is growing, and society is softening it's stance on non-heterosexual people.
So where do you fit?
Let's tick off the boxes:
- Physical attraction - yes
- Emotional attraction - so far, no
That leaves you asking where should you socially identify? The short answer is that you are going to decide that for yourself. And that answer is going to be a work-in-progress for a while.
It sounds like you have never had sex with another man, so that is a bridge that will be crossed eventually.
Here is one of the key factors in my understanding of sexuality (others will surely chime in) - so far, you have never become deeply emotionally involved in a male relationship. I wouldn't call you any kind of gay until you can fall in love with another man. Male-male sex physically feels good no matter what your orientation is.
On the other hand you describe the erotic charge of the cock, at least in fantasy, is a big deal for you. Is that a fetish, or more?
Don't leave your wife out of the process
Finally - you are in a sexual relationship with your wife. Word to the wise - you have to find a way to be open with your sexual desires to her, or that relationship is going to wither and die. Lots of straight men enjoy their wives using a dildo on them. That would be the first thing to try to incorporate into your sex play.
In addition, maybe you can come to the point where your wife will do a three way with you and another guy. Or she could agree to open your relationship together and let you occasionally fuck around with men, under certain guidelines.
A lot of couples have worked through this and found a sexual solution through their love and respect for each other. On the other hand, many women have found no way that they could accommodate this kind of experimentation, so complete monogamy (which was probably the original understanding for the way both of you would behave) becomes the "take it or leave it" condition for continuing the marriage. Then,
you have a decision to make.
Taking the low road
Or you could do what most men do which is just fuck around behind her back until she finds out and all trust between you is destroyed and you get a divorce. (There are deliberately no commas in that sentence because each action leads, with complete certainty, to the next.)
So, chart your own course. Be as honest as you can with yourself and with those that love you.
into me? I have used my wife's dildo when she's not home and it makes me 
