Am i wrong???

[jw4833]

Hey Guys:

I want to share something with you to see if my reaction is valid. This evening, my sister and I met for dinner. As usual with her and I, we always get so involved in conversations where we cover all kinds of subject matters. My sister mentioned this show that was on the other night where the woman was talking about how she was raped by one of her male friends whom she had a close relationship with. Although, its been a few years, she still have a lot of difficulty moving forward with her life when it comes to being approached by men from the after effects of this incident because it was also very violent as well. My sister had mentioned how she could feel this woman's pain when she spoke about this and within a certain segment of the show, this woman had also mentioned that what she really have issues with is that she valued the friendship she had with this guy which lasted several years prior to being raped and now that this has happened and he is no longer a part of her life, what she really miss is her friend.

As I have mentioned in several of my previous posts that I was raped and beaten very badly by someone whom I considered a close friend also. Although I have stride to move forward, I have to say that there are fragments of the incident that still lingers in my life. Nonetheless, when my sister was talking about this woman, I began to think about my own situation because there were so many similarities within both incidents. However, after my sister finished with her story, she asked me what I thought about this? I began to tell her that I agree with a lot of feelings that this woman shared on this show because I too go through the same things periodically. While referring to what I've endured as a comparison and to set examples in order to relate to this woman's story, my sister immediately became very uncomfortable and shut me down.

Honestly, this is not something that voluntarily share with people unless someone whom I am close with bring up the topic of discussion and ask for my opinion which I have no problem doing considering that I've spent substantial amount of time in therapy and counseling in order to be able to speak about this without any difficulties. Therefore, for her to bring this up in for a discussion and to shut me down when I spoke in relation to my own personal experience made me feel bad.

With that being said, am I wrong to have shared my personal experience with this subject matter with my sister although she is very well aware what I've endured? or should I had just kept my mouth shut and change the conversation even though she did ask for my opinion. Thanks a lot in advance for responding to this.

 

[Fredric13]

The only way to know whether or not you can share with someone is to test the waters. You sister is unwilling or unable to see what happened to you.

Speaking from experience, the only way to move on with this type of pain is to be able to share openly with those you trust. There will always be those who will be unable to listen to what you have to say for reasons of their own. Since this is your sister, and if you want her to become part of this support circle, it would be perfectly acceptable to sit down and tell her how you feel. It might have been as simple as the setting you were in while having the discussion--but you will never know if you don't talk to her.

I truly know what you are going through.

 

[MaximumT]

First of all I would just like to say that I'm very sorry to hear what happened to you. I had no idea. I'm not even gonna pretend I know what you've been through, because I believe that you can't know for real unless you've actually experienced it as well.

As for your question, considering your sister initiated it, I don't think it was wrong of you to share your experience. She did ask you for opinion knowing what you've been through. I think the problem lies with that she's uncomfortable and doesn't know how to handle the situation. It's one thing to discuss about someone you don't know, it's an entirely different thing when it's happened to someone close to you and hearing them speak about it. Maybe she's simply not ready to talk about it even though she asked for your opinion. You said you've been to therapy, but your sister hasn't, right? Sometimes it can also be very traumatic for family members too. So maybe she's not on the same page as you and not ready to talk about it, but in a way she never will be unless you talk to her. So it's up to you, do you want her support on this matter or are you fine with the way things are?

 

[jw4833]

The only way to know whether or not you can share with someone is to test the waters. You sister is unwilling or unable to see what happened to you.

Speaking from experience, the only way to move on with this type of pain is to be able to share openly with those you trust. There will always be those who will be unable to listen to what you have to say for reasons of their own. Since this is your sister, and if you want her to become part of this support circle, it would be perfectly acceptable to sit down and tell her how you feel. It might have been as simple as the setting you were in while having the discussion--but you will never know if you don't talk to her.

I truly know what you are going through.

Thanks so much for your response and the advice. I just thought it was weird that she asked me for my opinion on the subject matter when I did not volunteer it and because she is very well aware of what I've went through in that regard. I also feel that if she is uncomfortable with talking about this because I am her brother, then she should not had asked me for my opinion and I could have respect that. In fact, since going through therapy, I have been asked to speak before males who have endured the same situation as myself. However, there are those who were offended or uncomfortable with the fact that I spoke so openly about my personal experience with this topic. I look at it as being growth and healing where as others do not. However, although I do not agree with them, I do respect their position.

 

[jw4833]

Thanks so much for your response and the advice. I just thought it was weird that she asked me for my opinion on the subject matter when I did not volunteer it and because she is very well aware of what I've went through in that regard. I also feel that if she is uncomfortable with talking about this because I am her brother, then she should not had asked me for my opinion and I could have respect that. In fact, since going through therapy, I have been asked to speak before males who have endured the same situation as myself. However, there are those who were offended or uncomfortable with the fact that I spoke so openly about my personal experience with this topic. I look at it as being growth and healing where as others do not. However, although I do not agree with them, I do respect their position.

BTW... about a couple of months ago while spending the weekend at her home, this subject did come up in the conversation and when I spoke on my behalf, she did express to me how uncomfortable she was with me talking so freely and openly about this with her. Actually, I was somewhat taken a back when she brought this discussion up to me while knowing her position on my speaking about it from a personal perspective.

 

[XMan101]

It seems to me that she doesn't like to think about it or accept it. She obviously likes the abstract version, but can't face anything that hits reality.

I wouldn't say it was necessarily against you, it's just something she can't deal with in herself, especially with you being her brother.

Family is not always the best to share the deepest feelings and thoughts with.

 

[Whisper]

This is something I haven't talked with many people... I have a younger sister who went through years of therapy and today she is much stronger and happier, but me? I have difficulties to talk about it with her and I usually change the subject quite fast if possible, trying not to think about it.

But this doesn't mean that I don't love her or care. She is the most important person in my life and as an older sister I feel like I failed to protect her. This kills me inside whenever I think about it.

So what I'm trying to say is that you are not wrong, but I think your sister also needs help. It is just not so easy to admit even that. I still have a long way ahead...

 

[jw4833]

First of all I would just like to say that I'm very sorry to hear what happened to you. I had no idea. I'm not even gonna pretend I know what you've been through, because I believe that you can't know for real unless you've actually experienced it as well.

As for your question, considering your sister initiated it, I don't think it was wrong of you to share your experience. She did ask you for opinion knowing what you've been through. I think the problem lies with that she's uncomfortable and doesn't know how to handle the situation. It's one thing to discuss about someone you don't know, it's an entirely different thing when it's happened to someone close to you and hearing them speak about it. Maybe she's simply not ready to talk about it even though she asked for your opinion. You said you've been to therapy, but your sister hasn't, right? Sometimes it can also be very traumatic for family members too. So maybe she's not on the same page as you and not ready to talk about it, but in a way she never will be unless you talk to her. So it's up to you, do you want her support on this matter or are you fine with the way things are?

Thanks so much for response to my post. Your advice makes a lot of sense. I guess my primary focus with her acting uncomfortable is the fact that after all of these years, I am not accepted fully as a member of my immediate family due to my sexuality. I have been banned and left abandoned by my family for many years, especially in the case of being raped and beaten. During this time, I was told by certain family members that what happened to was because of being gay as well as God's punishment toward me for being so as well. Being gay has resulted in me not having close relationships with my mom and my siblings for so many years that when my mom passed last Christmas, I did not feel the sadness that they did because of the relationship we've had over the years.

Over recent months, my sister had been pestering me to try to reach out to my siblings due to some breakfast brunch they had where my name was mentioned. And of course, they all blame me for being distance as the result for our relationship being so strained. However, to shut her up, I bravely gave into spending a weekend with her and her husband in order for her to see that I did put forth an effort. However, the end result played out where they all had an ulterior motive to use me for their material purposes which made me go back to being distant.

In regard to the rape situation that occurred with my friend, over the years, I had my late bf to help me move forward from that situation. However, what I've noticed since his passing, although I do miss him terribly, but those nightmares that I used to have about my ex-friend has came back to surface. Also, over the past month, my doctor had became curious about why I was having problems with me having problems with my vision from my left eye. Although I have always noticed this after the incident, I just figured this was result of late night studying over the last three years. However, once he referred me to an ophthalmologist, it was discovered that a torn ligament in this eye had deteriorated over time and at this stage, it cannot be repaired. Which means that there is a possibility that I could go permanently blind in this eye altogether. This had resulted over my ex-friend beating me in the face numerous times and hitting me in the eye pretty hard during the incident.

Now that I am enduring treatments in order to stabilize the status condition of my eye. I am very optimistic that things will work out for the best. In the meantime, I am looking forward to obtaining my degree even though I have been prescribed special glasses to help me with the reading materials that I have. I have to say that when I opened up to my sister about this, she was very supportive than what I thought she would. In fact, later that night after finding this out, she called me in the wee hours of that morning to check on me and allowed me to cry which she kept insisting that I do this and she will stay on the phone with me as long as I needed her to.

This is when I explained to her that whenever I do try to move forward, something from this incident always comes into play that stop me from doing so. Therefore, now that I've read your posts, it does makes a lot of sense that this is what she may be experiencing. Thanks again.

 

[bigsal]

Dear Jw,

first of all I'm sorry if my post sounds bad. I may not have understood something translating your text and that of others who have preceded me.

Reading the first post and comments, I thought that the refusal of your sister to talk about those facts, it was an act of love towards you.

Reading your last post, then I'm not so convinced.

I have a feeling that your sister has not agreed that has happened to you, but has not yet accepted the fact that you're gay. As well as your family.

But she makes an effort to get closer to you, and I think this is good.

The saddest part of the story and that your family instead of comfort you and reassure you, do you think that what happened is your fault.

Besides the damage, even the prank. You have my sympathy.

If I have misunderstood something wrong because of the translation, I'm sorry for what I said wrong.

 

[jw4833]

Dear Jw,

first of all I'm sorry if my post sounds bad. I may not have understood something translating your text and that of others who have preceded me.

Reading the first post and comments, I thought that the refusal of your sister to talk about those facts, it was an act of love towards you.

Reading your last post, then I'm not so convinced.

I have a feeling that your sister has not agreed that has happened to you, but has not yet accepted the fact that you're gay. As well as your family.

But she makes an effort to get closer to you, and I think this is good.

The saddest part of the story and that your family instead of comfort you and reassure you, do you think that what happened is your fault.

Besides the damage, even the prank. You have my sympathy.

If I have misunderstood something wrong because of the translation, I'm sorry for what I said wrong.

Hey Big Sal:

Thanks so much for your response to my post. Actually, you are correct in mentioning that as well as my family, I do believe that to a certain degree, my sister has not accepted the fact that I'm gay but tries to maintain a close relationship with me because she is aware that I would lose all contact with her as well even though she has mentioned several times that she has no problem with my sexual orientation. However, what I find so strange in regard to my family as a whole is that they can accept other people who are gay and certain relatives they do embrace them. But with me, I've been told that I am an embarrassment to the family altogether.

In fact, about an hour ago, my sister contacted me and she brought up what happened yesterday at dinner and apologize for her behavior. As you have mentioned, she did say to me that she finds it very difficult to talk to me about what the incident because it causes her a lot of pain. She went on to mention that when I was rushed to the hospital at that time, I was in a coma for over a month and the doctors had gathered the family to talk with them about the possibility of me not coming out of it. This is something that I did not remember happening at all. She went on in greater detail about the way I looked and what the doctors had explained in regard to my failing health status. My sister also had mentioned that she shouldn't had asked me for my opinion on that talk show segment and she should not have brought the topic up to me period considering how she felt about it.

The fact of the matter is that prior to getting raped and beaten by my "friend", a couple of days earlier, he had came over this particular night, preceded to get totally naked and requested that I do the same and make the night special sexually. A lot went on after he stripped and he kept whispering in my ear for me to do what ever I want with him because he was in love with me. However, once I started to give him a blowjob, he slapped me very hard across my face and then jumped on top of me and started beating me very aggressively while calling me a "fucking faggot". On the day that he had done the above to me, he was crying and begging for me to forgive him and would not stop until I agreed to do so.

I had been diagnosed with chronic kidney disease since the beginning of that year and at this time, I was prescribed some medication by my doctors that once taken, I would be heavily sedated. After accepting his apologies, I asked him to leave and explain to him about the medication since he was well aware that I had been diagnosed with kidney disease. He insisted on staying because he did not want to leave me alone. The medication was taking effect on me and all I wanted to was lay across the bed because I had gotten so weak. This is when he came in the bedroom and attacked me.

This is what brings my sister to tears when I talk about my situation. With that being said, I do understand her actions more clearly now and I do feel that because of these incidents, she does have problems dealing with me being gay.

 

[bigsal]

What happened to you is terrible.

Violence is never justifiable, even verbal that often leaves an indelible mark.

You gave love, and your executioner (call friend is not correct) responded with physical violence, with consequences that will accompany you for a long time.

I will be hard and cruel, but is an animal that needs to be locked up, they can not do more harm to anyone.

Going back to your sister is positive that you apologized, not many people do it.

If I could talk to her I'd tell him to break down that invisible wall and talk to you.

After the pain, which is inevitable, will be more easy to accept and perhaps understand the seriousness of what has happened to you.

Is positive who you sharing this with us. I think this can only help you.

With affection.

 

[jw4833]

What happened to you is terrible.

Violence is never justifiable, even verbal that often leaves an indelible mark.

You gave love, and your executioner (call friend is not correct) responded with physical violence, with consequences that will accompany you for a long time.

I will be hard and cruel, but is an animal that needs to be locked up, they can not do more harm to anyone.

Going back to your sister is positive that you apologized, not many people do it.

If I could talk to her I'd tell him to break down that invisible wall and talk to you.

After the pain, which is inevitable, will be more easy to accept and perhaps understand the seriousness of what has happened to you.

Is positive who you sharing this with us. I think this can only help you.

With affection.

Hey Big Sal:

Thank you for taking time out to respond...I am very grateful and appreciative that you have given some very good advice and good responses. :thumbs up:

 

[jw4833]

What happened to you is terrible.

Violence is never justifiable, even verbal that often leaves an indelible mark.

You gave love, and your executioner (call friend is not correct) responded with physical violence, with consequences that will accompany you for a long time.

I will be hard and cruel, but is an animal that needs to be locked up, they can not do more harm to anyone.

Going back to your sister is positive that you apologized, not many people do it.

If I could talk to her I'd tell him to break down that invisible wall and talk to you.

After the pain, which is inevitable, will be more easy to accept and perhaps understand the seriousness of what has happened to you.

Is positive who you sharing this with us. I think this can only help you.

With affection.

Thanks so much Big Sal:

In regard to this guy being locked up for his actions, the fact that I was also close with his sister and when she found out what happened to me, she immediately forced him to move away to another state and start over and leave all this behind him while I was still fighting for my life. In the event, she also broke all ties with me as well which is fine. However, I'm a firm believer in karma, and many times when someone has caused a greater deal of harm to someone such as myself who had done nothing to deserve it and this individual come to the conclusion that if they move far away from the scene that everything will go away. Nonetheless, as my therapist conveyed to me that this is not the case. Something of this nature will follow him for the rest of his life whether he confronts it or not, he will not have a good life ahead of him.

 

[bigsal]

I am glad that you are recovering, thanks to the care of a therapist.

I agree with you. It 'a sad story that you have to leave behind.

Tomorrow is a new day and it is better to deal with the present.

I just hope that other people will not suffer as it happened to you.

Good luck and do not hesitate to contact me in case of need.

 

[jw4833]

I am glad that you are recovering, thanks to the care of a therapist.

I agree with you. It 'a sad story that you have to leave behind.

Tomorrow is a new day and it is better to deal with the present.

I just hope that other people will not suffer as it happened to you.

Good luck and do not hesitate to contact me in case of need.

Hi Big Sal:

You responding to my posts on such a sensitive subject matter in a positive manner makes me feel very good about the decision to share this on a personal level with the forum especially when people like you give out so much encouragement and support. I am so grateful and appreciative that you do take the time to respond. Initially, after the incident occurred, I did not want to leave the house. In fact, I didn't tell anyone for a while after it happened because I too was in great denial. It wasn't until one of the doctors that I've established a friendship with and was scheduled to meet him for a very important appointment decided to come to my home since I did not show up and he knows that this was not my character.

After going through therapy with a therapist who was very familiar with the situation that I was enduring because he had went through this himself at one time. He was very helpful and meeting with him had helped me to be able to share my story so that others who have or are enduring something of this nature can connect and to gain inspiration from my story. Many individuals have commented to me that its very brave and bold for me to do this, but you know what, there are very few times in my life that I can remember doing anything of the ordinary. Thanks again...Big Sal

 

[MaximumT]

I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through. No living person should have to go through what you have experienced. But I'm very glad you've received help from professionals so that you may begin your road to recovery, and it seems like you've come quite far.

It's very sad to hear the damages this has caused, both emotional and physical, but I hope in a way it's also made you stronger even though you may not always feel that way. You're able to look at things from a different perspective, and may even teach and help others who've gone through hardship.

All that's left is to look forward and not backwards, and while it's the past that shapes you into who you are today, it's still the past and there is nothing that can be done to change that now. I wish you the best of luck and while I don't really believe in fate, in this case I do hope it smiles upon you because you deserve nothing but happiness in your future.

 

[bigsal]

I'm glad you managed to overcome this tragedy.

Obviously you can not erase the memory, but I see that you are determined to go ahead.

This is very positive.

Thank you for sharing with us your bad experience.

 

[jw4833]

I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through. No living person should have to go through what you have experienced. But I'm very glad you've received help from professionals so that you may begin your road to recovery, and it seems like you've come quite far.

It's very sad to hear the damages this has caused, both emotional and physical, but I hope in a way it's also made you stronger even though you may not always feel that way. You're able to look at things from a different perspective, and may even teach and help others who've gone through hardship.

All that's left is to look forward and not backwards, and while it's the past that shapes you into who you are today, it's still the past and there is nothing that can be done to change that now. I wish you the best of luck and while I don't really believe in fate, in this case I do hope it smiles upon you because you deserve nothing but happiness in your future.

Hi Maximum T:

You've made me smile inside with your response...I am very strong from the after effects of this traumatic situation and I am so much wiser as well as very cautious of whom I have within my personal environment. There are days such as the past several where the haunting memories of what had occurred does comes into play very strongly as if it happened just yesterday. However, there are those days when I don't give as much thought. I do speak bravely and openly about this because I would hope that my words will help someone who may be going through something similar to what I've endured, but the most important part is that I am still here and alive and standing strong despite of the fact. Thanks again for your very kind and thoughtful words.