Are u comfortable dating someone who is still close with his ex?

[jw4833]

Hey Guys:

I thought I would bring this topic to the discussion board since it was something that was presented at a poker game this past weekend by one of my closest friends. You see, my friend had mentioned to us that he had decided to break things off with this guy whom he had been dating since the beginning of Summer due to the fact that when they first got together, this guy had constantly complained about how horrible his ex bf had treated him while they were together and how he cherishes the relationship he has with him (my buddy). However, my buddy noticed that this guy had established a "friendship" with his horrible ex which involved more than a casual greeting if they happened to run into each other out in public. Instead, they were meeting up for dinner, movies, taking cars to the shop, etc. Otherwise, it appeared that they had a better "relationship" now than when they were a committed couple. My buddy said that he began to notice and get suspicious that there were still a connection between the two and decided to back off and move on because he did not want to be involved with that mess.

I can relate to what he was saying and how he felt because I have also dealt with someone who had complained about his ex and yet, they had a bond that you knew there was more to them than what they were saying in regard to their past relationship. Some of the other fellas and some of the ladies that were present that night. Nonetheless, there were a few that felt there was nothing wrong with them having a "friendship" of that caliber and my buddy ended things too soon with this guy.

To be truthful, I tend to believe that if you still have unfinished business with an ex, then you should not pursue someone new until all ties have been severed between you and that ex. I am acquainted with all of my exes except one which is caused by him. However, I tend to keep things very cordial and polite and nothing more which by the way was initiated by my exes ....not myself...because my motto is ..."There's a reason you are an ex in my life". So..I bring this topic to the forum. As always...thank you to those who have taken time to read and respond to this discussion post. :cheers:

 

[W!nston]

Yeah, it's one thing to be 'friends' with an ex but it's another thing altogether to be 'friends with benefits' as they say.

Should one feel comfortable in a relationship with someone closely involved with their ex to the extent mentioned in your post? Each person has to make that choice for themselves.

In my lifetime I've learned that being self-confident and not letting suspicion or jealousy rule how we react to our partner in the face of conflicts involving their exes gives the partner a stronger desire to be with us.

You cannot 'make' people like you or want to be your partner. If you can't control your emotions to some degree that might make him wonder what he saw in you to begin with.

Saying all of that is easier than putting it into action. That can be very hard if you lack self-confidence. We have to believe in our own value and show confidence.

It is easy to fall for someone you are physically attracted to but that attraction can sour easily if there is no trust. You have to trust him. If he makes mistakes and fools around with someone else don't go ballistic no matter how much you are hurt. If you want to forgive him then tell him he hurt you and he has broken your trust. Don't have a big fight. If you and he want to try to make up then have some hot sex! There is nothing like make-up sex :devil:

When you meet someone who is on 'the rebound' from a recent relationship be wise enough to expect them to have lingering feelings. If you show confidence and maturity they will soon forget about their old flame and fall in love with you.

If it's meant to be you will know.

I could go on and on but I'll close this edition of 'Dear Sniffit' for now.

My door is always open and there's no charge for new couples :rofl:

 

[frontlemon]

I would feel jealous out of insecurity for sure but would not express it but wait and try judge the strength of my partner's relationship with the ex...if its greater than that of our relationship, I would explain to my partner and break up...otherwise I would wait....

 

[Shelter]

This could be an interesting threesome! :rofl:

Now seriously, in a few words my philosophy is: trust the people you're dating, if you don't trust them, don't date them. If you do trust them and then they break your trust by cheating? Find someone else.

RockNLol, I think that is the one and only answer to the question. Short but to the point! Very good. p

 

[jw4833]

Yeah, it's one thing to be 'friends' with an ex but it's another thing altogether to be 'friends with benefits' as they say.

Should one feel comfortable in a relationship with someone closely involved with their ex to the extent mentioned in your post? Each person has to make that choice for themselves.

In my lifetime I've learned that being self-confident and not letting suspicion or jealousy rule how we react to our partner in the face of conflicts involving their exes gives the partner a stronger desire to be with us.

You cannot 'make' people like you or want to be your partner. If you can't control your emotions to some degree that might make him wonder what he saw in you to begin with.

Saying all of that is easier than putting it into action. That can be very hard if you lack self-confidence. We have to believe in our own value and show confidence.

It is easy to fall for someone you are physically attracted to but that attraction can sour easily if there is no trust. You have to trust him. If he makes mistakes and fools around with someone else don't go ballistic no matter how much you are hurt. If you want to forgive him then tell him he hurt you and he has broken your trust. Don't have a big fight. If you and he want to try to make up then have some hot sex! There is nothing like make-up sex :devil:

When you meet someone who is on 'the rebound' from a recent relationship be wise enough to expect them to have lingering feelings. If you show confidence and maturity they will soon forget about their old flame and fall in love with you.

If it's meant to be you will know.

I could go on and on but I'll close this edition of 'Dear Sniffit' for now.

My door is always open and there's no charge for new couples :rofl:

Thank you so much for your very thought provoking response to my initial post. Nonetheless, as I've mentioned in that post about my buddy and I totally agree with him is the fact that this guy whom had complained consistently about how horrible his ex was and how he had to get away and be alone for awhile in order to move on from the pain that was caused and yet, his ex still have all contact with him, they still meet up and hang out and whenever his ex needs a favor...he is there and to top it off...he gets suspicious and questions my buddy if he happens to greet an old friend/acquaintance when out and about in public. Now...maybe I could possibly wrong in my thinking ...but apparently...if I am moving on from a bad relationship with an ex...that ex will not have access to contact me ...yet alone hang out and do personal favors for. This kind of behavior informs me that this relationship was not as bad as this guy had previously mentioned and yes...there is still something there between the two of them...and you know what??? this is all fine if that's the case...however...I have an issue when these types of individuals want to bring someone new into their hot messes...when its quite evident that you both still have feelings for one another...that's all...:thumbs up:

 

[W!nston]

I guess I misunderstood jw. I thought your buddy had such a strong attraction to the othe guy and wanted him to get over the ex so they could be together. Now it sounds more like it's just a case of another sociopath using everyone for his own needs and pleasures.

I saw forget about that guy even if he is charming and desirable. Tell your friend to keep looking and not to fall into another sociopaths trap, lol.

In any case - this thread is good reading

 

[jw4833]

I guess I misunderstood jw. I thought your buddy had such a strong attraction to the othe guy and wanted him to get over the ex so they could be together. Now it sounds more like it's just a case of another sociopath using everyone for his own needs and pleasures.

I saw forget about that guy even if he is charming and desirable. Tell your friend to keep looking and not to fall into another sociopaths trap, lol.

In any case - this thread is good reading

Hey Sniffit:...no problem...I kind of thought that if I get more in detail than what was mentioned in the initial post that you may get a better understanding. In fact, my buddy has moved on...it was the other guy who has the "strong attraction" although he still want to have a connection with his ex. My buddy decided its best to move and let him get his ex out of his system if need be...but I do agree totally with your mention of his being a sociopath who uses everyone for his own needs and pleasure. BTW...thanks so much for finding my post a good read...:blushing:

 

[prinz4ming]

Im kinda going through a similar situation now where the guy Im dating is still living with his ex from 2 years ago. He says they are just good friends now, and I guess I have to believe him until I have reason to believe otherwise.

Maybe Im being naive, but I trust someone until they give me reason to believe otherwise

 

[jw4833]

You know it's really weird that this week in particular, there have been several talk shows that have brought this very topic up for discussion since my initial post. It seems that from all the panels on these talk shows that this topic was presented, the majority of the featured panelists and the audience members had huge issues accepting this without being suspicious. For instance, one talk show in particular had a woman who had been dating a guy for about four months and this guy could not afford to get his own place at that time and therefore, he asked her if he could move in with her and her child. Well, due to the fact of the length they've been dating, she did not feel comfortable having him stay in her home. Needless to say, he turned to his ex girlfriend of five years and moved in with her. Although the guy is telling her that she has no reason to worry or have trust issues because there is nothing happening between them. However, the panel had a different perspective of this due to the fact of the years of being in a relationship with this woman as well as wondering if the two of them still have feelings for each other. However, the reason I am relaying this story to you (prinz4ming) is because she said the exact thing you've stated in your post which is:

"He says they are just good friends now, and I guess I have to believe him until I have reason to believe otherwise".

 

[antoineee]

"He says they are just good friends now, and I guess I have to believe him until I have reason to believe otherwise".

You either trust or walk away

 

[SophieSweets]

They are the Ex... and you are the Current... Thus, You win...