Christmas with family

[jw4833]

Hi Guys:

I just need to vent and let go of what I am feeling at this time. After reading this, if any of you whom had taken out the time to read it would like to comment, please feel free to do so.

As I've mentioned in a few earlier posts, I do not have a great relationship with my family because of my sexuality. Initially, the treatment that I've received from them was very painful. However, as time progresses, my skin had gotten thicker and I've became stronger and the hurtful feelings had became numb. I've learn to accept and embrace their feelings towards me as "it is what it is" and I am fine with that.

I've also mentioned that I have one sibling (my younger sister) whom I do have a relationship with. Although she had received a lot of backlash not only from my siblings, but my late mother for her pursuing a relationship with me, she was adamant about not letting them destroy it altogether. What I find disturbing is that when my sister is angry or upset with the other siblings, she will reveal things that had been said in my regard that she would not have under other cirstances share with me. Of course, all of those comments deals with my sexuality. However, when things are good between them and my name may come up within one of their conversations, then she will try to defend them when I deliver harsh criticism towards them. It's like being on an emotional rollercoaster with her because if she's angry with them, then she wants you to be angry also. And when things are good, then she wants you also to have a change of heart as well. What also bothers me is that many of them have acquaintances/friends that are gay and they are cool with them but on the other hand, they have issues with me.

Earlier this year, my siblings had went to brunch one afternoon and they had informed the sister that they would like to extend a dinner invitation to me but they wanted her to be their spokesperson. Honestly, I have big issues with this. I feel that if anyone has something to say to me, if you can say to someone else what you want to say, then you should be mature enough to say it to the person that you want that message to. Nonetheless, my sister talked me into attending and I have to say that it was very humiliating and uncomfortable for me because you could feel the awkwardness not only from me but those sibling who do not care for me also. I had vowed at that moment that I will never be persuaded to do this again.

Today, my sister contacted me and once the conversation got underway, she approached me about spending Christmas with her and my siblings. I quickly declined her invitation. She started mentioning how two of the main siblings had asked her to contact me and how they really wanted me to come. Now these are two siblings that had no qualms letting me know that they disapprove of my lifestyle and did not want nothing to do with because they found me to be an embarrassment to the family. My sister began to say that this was a good thing for them to have an interest in me. Well, needless to say, that at that earlier meeting, these two had asked me to do something for them in which they would pay me for my services. However, after my completing their request, they stopped calling me for the last six months and I never received the money that I was promised. I told her that I do not care about them showing an interest in me because after all this time, they left me alone and now that the holidays are approaching and they are possibly feeling sentimental, now I am supposed to jump on the bandwagon until they are ready to distanced themselves from me again.

My sister stated that I should be the better person and by me attending, they will not have the upper hand. I responded with I don't care about them having an upper hand. I am not putting myself in a uncomfortable situation as well displaying false pretenses just to appease someone else or even her.
After chatting with her, my late partner's mother had contacted me to invite me to spend the holidays with his family. I've always had a very close relationship with them prior to his death and after and they keep in touch with me on a regular basis and invites me to all their family events.

Okay...with all that being said...those of you who've read this...what is your opinion on this? Do you understand why I feel the way I do? As always, thanks for taking the time read and respond to this. JW

 

[Mardo]

First I say you are brave to work on the problems and talk, or try to figure it out.. maybe if you can spend Christmas with your family, and have the goal that you will be relaxed and enjoy it and not let the attitudes get to you, but be prepared inside yourself incase there are upsets or tensions.

No one in my family has a clue even that I am gay. But I just put it out of my head for now and maybe next year I will say something to them, or.. year after maybe.:worried::blushing:

Anyway I hope that you have a good Christmas and that things get easier within the family.

 

[bigsal]

Ciao JW,

go where your heart takes you, but do not let anyone trample on it.

The invitation to spend Christmas with your relatives is commendable, but why wait for Christmas? Maybe I want to get rid of some guilt.

 

[js324]

While your family doesn't sound like the greatest, they are still your family and you have to decide how important that is to you. Sure they don't really deserve your attention, but you also don't want to look back 5 years from now and regret not doing everything you could to patch things up.

Also, don't be too mad at your younger sister for not always telling you what your other siblings have said about you. Of course she's only going to tell you when she's mad at them, b/c she just wants you guys to work things out. Also take into consideration that when she's mad at your other siblings and brings up things they've said about you, to get you on her side that it might be slightly embellished, b/c when people recount stories they usually get exaggerated, for instance maybe your siblings had a 2 minute conversation about you but the way your sister describes it, it sounds like 20 minutes.

I would spend christmas with them, even if it is slightly awkward because the only way to get past the awkwardness is to keep spending time with them on a regular basis because the greater amount of time that lapses in between these meet ups, the more awkward the following one will be.

Also it sounds like each time you've tried to reconnect with your siblings, all of them have been there. This could possibly be adding to the awkwardness in various ways, maybe you should try to meet up with each of them individually for casual get together like going out for coffee once or twice a month and see where things go from there.

 

[jw4833]

Ciao JW,

go where your heart takes you, but do not let anyone trample on it.

The invitation to spend Christmas with your relatives is commendable, but why wait for Christmas? Maybe I want to get rid of some guilt.

Hey Buddy:

Thanks for your response. You know, there have been many times that I have reached out to my family members which resulted with negative results each time. There is so many times that an individual is going to subject themselves to this kind of behavior until they just come to the conclusion to respect their actions but also protecting themselves by keeping their distance for their sake as well. One time in particular that I remember is a year before my partner passed away. My family members including my mother had contacted me in regard to them having the opportunity of meeting Michael in order to get to know him better. Although they had seen him at the hospital when I was fighting for my life but they did not know him on a personable basis. I was really taken a back from this as well as Michael because his family had embraced me unconditionally and had always and still include me as a part of family events.

However, Michael suggested that we have them all over for dinner. I contacted them and invited them for a special dinner. They had all agreed to the date and exclaimed to be looking forward to it. Unfortunately, to my surprise, on the eve of this dinner, no one called. As time progressed throughout the evening, I had made attempts to contact them to see where they are or if everything was okay. No one answered their phones. Therefore, here we had all this food and planned a nice evening at their suggestion and yet, no one had the common decency to let us know that they had a change of heart. In fact, I did not hear from none of them until later within that week and the excuse that was given was so shallow that they would have done better not saying anything at all.

A couple of months ago, a couple of my siblings had asked the sister that I have a relationship with to ask me if they could come over one weekend and spend the day with me (lunch, shopping,etc.). Each time a date was scheduled, I got stood up without an explanation or a response until way later in the month. A year ago, my sister had contacted me on behalf of my family for me to attend a birthday dinner given by them in my honor. After she persuaded me to do so, once I got there, no one was there but her. She saw the disappointment on my face which made her feel uncomfortable. To add fuel to the fire, when she handed me the birthday cards that were left for me, every one of the cards that were given to me were cards that I have given to them on their birthdays. They had took some white-out to make attempts to cover my writing which did not work well.

Just a couple of weeks ago, my sister did tell me that many of my siblings still have issues with my sexuality. So, with all that being said, as time progressed for me, I am not angry or bitter over these actions but they do confirm to me to protect myself and tread lightly in their company or surroundings. For me, nothing is worse than being in the presence of family or people whom have made it known that they have problems dealing with gay people. The holidays are still difficult for me and yet to put myself in a room of awkwardness on my behalf is not worth it. The only time any of them other than my sister contacts me is when they want something. And many times when this occur, they have my sister be their go-between person to get their request to me. Like I said, I am not bitter, angry or hurt anymore over their actions because I have developed tough skin over the years. However, I will not subject myself to be disrespected or treated badly just to appease one individual as opposed to a house full of people that have issues with my sexuality.

 

[bigsal]

Hey Buddy:

Thanks for your response. You know, there have been many times that I have reached out to my family members which resulted with negative results each time. There is so many times that an individual is going to subject themselves to this kind of behavior until they just come to the conclusion to respect their actions but also protecting themselves by keeping their distance for their sake as well. One time in particular that I remember is a year before my partner passed away. My family members including my mother had contacted me in regard to them having the opportunity of meeting Michael in order to get to know him better. Although they had seen him at the hospital when I was fighting for my life but they did not know him on a personable basis. I was really taken a back from this as well as Michael because his family had embraced me unconditionally and had always and still include me as a part of family events.

However, Michael suggested that we have them all over for dinner. I contacted them and invited them for a special dinner. They had all agreed to the date and exclaimed to be looking forward to it. Unfortunately, to my surprise, on the eve of this dinner, no one called. As time progressed throughout the evening, I had made attempts to contact them to see where they are or if everything was okay. No one answered their phones. Therefore, here we had all this food and planned a nice evening at their suggestion and yet, no one had the common decency to let us know that they had a change of heart. In fact, I did not hear from none of them until later within that week and the excuse that was given was so shallow that they would have done better not saying anything at all.

A couple of months ago, a couple of my siblings had asked the sister that I have a relationship with to ask me if they could come over one weekend and spend the day with me (lunch, shopping,etc.). Each time a date was scheduled, I got stood up without an explanation or a response until way later in the month. A year ago, my sister had contacted me on behalf of my family for me to attend a birthday dinner given by them in my honor. After she persuaded me to do so, once I got there, no one was there but her. She saw the disappointment on my face which made her feel uncomfortable. To add fuel to the fire, when she handed me the birthday cards that were left for me, every one of the cards that were given to me were cards that I have given to them on their birthdays. They had took some white-out to make attempts to cover my writing which did not work well.

Just a couple of weeks ago, my sister did tell me that many of my siblings still have issues with my sexuality. So, with all that being said, as time progressed for me, I am not angry or bitter over these actions but they do confirm to me to protect myself and tread lightly in their company or surroundings. For me, nothing is worse than being in the presence of family or people whom have made it known that they have problems dealing with gay people. The holidays are still difficult for me and yet to put myself in a room of awkwardness on my behalf is not worth it. The only time any of them other than my sister contacts me is when they want something. And many times when this occur, they have my sister be their go-between person to get their request to me. Like I said, I am not bitter, angry or hurt anymore over their actions because I have developed tough skin over the years. However, I will not subject myself to be disrespected or treated badly just to appease one individual as opposed to a house full of people that have issues with my sexuality.

To hear these things it breaks my heart.

Knowing that this cruelty comes from close relatives, puts a strain on your sensitivity and your availability

You have all my estimate and my understanding. I do not know if I could be available to like you.

Maybe you'll seem ruthless, but your parents do not deserve other options.

I understand that their at first it one step further, we look back later and make it two steps back. This is cruel.

However, I will not advise you how to behave. Are you are experiencing this bad experience and I am sure you will do the right thing.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best you can.

Sorry for my bad english.

 

[jw4833]

To hear these things it breaks my heart.

Knowing that this cruelty comes from close relatives, puts a strain on your sensitivity and your availability

You have all my estimate and my understanding. I do not know if I could be available to like you.

Maybe you'll seem ruthless, but your parents do not deserve other options.

I understand that their at first it one step further, we look back later and make it two steps back. This is cruel.

However, I will not advise you how to behave. Are you are experiencing this bad experience and I am sure you will do the right thing.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best you can.

Sorry for my bad english.

Don't worry about your English buddy, I understand fully what you are saying in your responses...Thanks for taking time to do so...JW:big hug:

 

[Tom]

That's really sad.
If I were you, I would go with your partners family. Christmas is a very
special time, should be fun and enjoyable, spent with those who you
appreciate and appreciate you.

I would just cut ties with you other sisters, just keep the relationship with you younger sister. It's a tough thing, and you hear of people
saying they wish they would have had a relationship with someone they
alienated. Since they are with ones with the bad attitude, then they would be the ones sorry to lose the relationship. Until they come to
terms with that your better off not dealing with them.

Best of luck.

 

[kateean2]

While your family doesn't sound like the greatest, they are still your family and you have to decide how important that is to you.

 

[bigsal]

Be careful not to overuse the word family too.

For me, the family and that where there is love, respect and familiarity.

Not enough to be just relatives, it takes much more.

I wish with all my heart that JW is accepted, but especially loved by his family, but if they behave badly towards him, do not call them such.

He has already suffered enough.

 

[mrpiz]

If my family treated me like that I wouldn't have anything to do with them. Nobody this day and age has time to waste and it seems that is all you family does with you, unfortunatly. You should spend time with your partners family since they seem to genuinely want you there.

 

[klevra]

If my family treated me like that I wouldn't have anything to do with them. Nobody this day and age has time to waste and it seems that is all you family does with you, unfortunatly. You should spend time with your partners family since they seem to genuinely want you there.

Yea I agree, don't waste your time trying to mend things now or give them opportunities to mend things with you now. They are not ready to be sincere. It sounds as if they just want things to get worse so that they look like the good guys in front of someone.

Eventually the day will come where they regret what they've done and on that day you can decide whether to entertain their feelings or not. And you will know when they really mean it, it will be completely different from all the other times.

Whatever you decide, try not to let it be something you regret later.


I hope this helps,

 

[jw4833]

Yea I agree, don't waste your time trying to mend things now or give them opportunities to mend things with you now. They are not ready to be sincere. It sounds as if they just want things to get worse so that they look like the good guys in front of someone.

Eventually the day will come where they regret what they've done and on that day you can decide whether to entertain their feelings or not. And you will know when they really mean it, it will be completely different from all the other times.

Whatever you decide, try not to let it be something you regret later.


I hope this helps,

You know, a couple of days ago, my sister contacted me because she could not understand why I disliked the Christmas holidays and New Years with the exception of the years that I've spent with late bf prior to his sudden death. She had been questioning and badgering me off and on for the past month about this and all of a sudden, a really bad memory came to surface. You see, the first year that I was diagnosed with kidney disease, my hours were cut by an employer that I had not been employed with that long due to weekly hospital appointments that were imperative. Once the employer found out about my illness, they somewhat bend the rules because they really liked me and wanted to keep me on the payroll even if that meant cutting my hours.

Nonetheless, the lease of the place that I had currently reside at was about to expire and my brother had begged me to take a condo near my family that was remodeled for him but he was staying with his lady and decided he did not want the place. The rent was cheap and in my budget and was near the hospital that I was going to at the time. After his convincing, I reluctantly gave in and he and a few of his buddies helped me move in. However, a few weeks later, I had came home earlier and found him and a buddy high as a kite and was laying across my living room furniture with the stereo blasting loud rap music. He was surprised to see that I came home early and immediately started an argument with me. The next day, I had the locks changed because I noticed that he and his buddy had went through my personal things and took some valuable jewelry from me.

A few weeks later, I was admitted into the hospital due to kidney complications and once I was released a couple of weeks later, I had discovered that the place was broken into and everything was ram shacked and destroyed. The neighbor next door had came over and told me that my brother told the landlord that he lived there and I was a guest and changed the locks on the doors without his knowledge. Because his name was on the lease, they gave him a key. I contacted my mom and told her that I was going to call the police. She told me that if I did this that she would disown me and would never want to hear from me again. It was only so much that I could do for myself at that time because I had tubes in the side of my stomach and was dealing with extreme pain. My mom never asked me how I was doing. She became so mean towards me as well as my siblings because I was considering filing a police report against him.

He disappeared and I had someone change the locks again while I decided to find a new place to live once I was able to get around. However, on Christmas Eve, it was a brutal snowstorm and I had fell off to sleep only to be awaken by the knocks at the door. To my surprise, it was the police. They had came to escort me off the premises because my brother had contacted the owners and told them that I was causing problems and becoming very violent as well as not leaving the premises. Although, they came to the conclusion that his story was a lie because they saw that I was in pajamas and in a lot of pain. Nonetheless, because his name was on the lease, they had to escort me away. Because my mom stayed five minutes away, they helped me take some things to my car and they followed me to my mom's house to make sure that I got there okay.

Once I arrived at her house, she did not want to let me in. She confronted me with a barrage of profane language before settling on letting me in if I gave her a specific amount of money. Due to my health situation, I gave in to her request. Also, because of the tension and her reluctance to welcome me in her home, I decided to ignore my pain and went into work where they allowed me to do so as long as I did the paperwork for the vice president which I did. My mom made me so uncomfortable being there in her home that I went in to the office at three or four o'clock in the morning and stayed late every night just to stay away.

During this time, my brother had informed my mom that if I did not arrange to get my things out of his place that he would have everything picked up and whatever they did not pick up, he would throw out on the curb of the street. Therefore, since I still had the key, I would stop by his place every night before I went back to my mom's house and take a few boxes with me since I had packed most of my things prior to being escorted off the premises. What I noticed is that whenever I came by the place to get some boxes, my brother was not around but I can tell that he's slept in my bed and had sex in my bed. You see, everything in the place belong to me because he had told me that the place would be mine if I just paid the rent.

One evening, my mom and my older sister met me at the door and demanded that I give them the key to the place because my brother did not want me to be able to enter his place despite all the belongings were mine. They argued with me and threatened me as well. I could not believe that I was going through this and why they were so mean to me and defending him. Therefore, he sold all my valuables and threw out everything else.

I had aculated so much overtime that I had enough money to get my own place. I had talked to my doctors who became very concerned about my health because I was under so much stress and doing so much at the time. Unfortunately, I had to do what I had to do and began to search for a new place. When I got home one evening from looking at new places, I had discovered my brother going through the little belongings that I was able to save. He and I immediately got into a physical altercation and all of a sudden, my mom intervene and attacked me instead of him. When I told her what he was doing, she told me that she did not care that he could take whatever he wanted because it was her house. She then told me that out of all her children, I was the one that she wished was never born or that she had flushed down the toilet.

You can imagine the pain I felt from this revelation because I did everything in my power to reach out to my mom and to be accepted by her after her finding out that I was a gay man. The look on her face and the tone of her voice when she delivered those words were so biting that afterwards, I cried like a baby. To make matters worst, I started bleeding really bad and my brother approached me with the intent of continuing the physical altercation that had started prior to my mom's interruption. He had told me that he would let me make the first attack and he hoped for my sake that my attacks would knock him out because if they didn't, he was going to make sure that I would be rushed to the hospital.

My sister heard him and decided to have a heart and pull him away. The next day, I was admitted into the hospital again. Once I got released, I took the first place that I looked at even though it was not really to my liking. It was far away from the family and because I had no furniture and some clothing as well as the little quantity of my things that I was able to salvaged, I didn't care..all I was concerned about was having peace of mind.

This was the first time that I faced a life threatening situation with my health and I stayed away from my family for a little over four years. My sister had paid me a surprised visit at my job and began to pursue forgiveness from me. This took some time before I actually accepted her actions but she was determined and pursuant to make things right with me again and eventually, I gave in. Throughout this process, I did see my mom a few times as well as my remaining siblings. Unfortunately, things were never mended and I never looked at them the same. This was the beginning of me obtaining my strength and independence as well as not becoming receptive to people who had interest in me. All of this occurred over the Christmas and New Years of that year. Although my mom passed away almost a year ago, our relationship never came to the point of mending even though whenever she needed something from me, I did without hesitation which I believed surprised her but I did it out of the respect that despite how she felt about me, she was still my mom. When the guy who had raped and beaten me came into my life, this had started around the Christmas holidays also. After everything occurred with him, I again despised the holidays until Michael stepped up and preceded to pursue a relationship with me and now he's gone but this is just a post to let whomever read this how I started to dislike the holidays and spending it with my family.

 

[tonka]

From all your posts, it seems like your sister loves you. She's been pulled every which way, but there is love there if you want it...on your terms.
The rest of them...you need to let them go. They have not loved you; they have not respected you.

The holidays are hard for those of us who's families have fallen away. But gay people are really good at making new families. My two great friends will be coming over on the day.
We'll hang out, eat and drink and be merry.

 

[bigsal]

I'm sorry if I sound cynical, but after suffering the things you described in your message, I do not understand how anyone could consider a reconciliation with those monsters (you can not call such people "brothers").

Reading between the lines of your posts, you are a person of heart.

You'll see, a lot of people will love you.

 

[jw4833]

I'm sorry if I sound cynical, but after suffering the things you described in your message, I do not understand how anyone could consider a reconciliation with those monsters (you can not call such people "brothers").

Reading between the lines of your posts, you are a person of heart.

You'll see, a lot of people will love you.

Hi Big Sal:

I can honestly tell you that it was not an easy process and it took a lot of therapy/counseling for me to get to that point of comprehending to the meaning of the word "forgiveness". For example, the sister that I am close with was also a product of the abuse that I received from the post that I've mentioned. However, once she decided that she wanted to seek my forgiveness, it was a difficult process for me initially and it took some time for me to come to terms that she really wanted to be a part of my life. After she and I established a relationship. This was an issue with my mom until the day she died. In fact, our relationship at the beginning was a secret situation between us because the remaining family members including my mom had caused her a lot of grief for having a relationship with me. The problems that she faced for being in my life was hard for me to allow her to go through a many times, I had tried to end it because I did not want her to suffer due to the fact that she was very much a part of them and she was put into a position of being pulled from one end to another. But she was insisting on keeping it.

When my sister had baggered me about why I dislike Christmas a few days ago, I had avoid revealing my true feelings with her because this was something that I had suffocated in the back of my mind and wanted to keep it there. Unfortunately, once everything was out in the open, she apologized for pushing me but I have not heard from her since that talk. Nonetheless, reliving those thoughts have been on my mind a lot and has caused me to have a lot of difficulty sleeping at night. However, I know in time, those memories will be suppressed again and I will continue to move forward.

 

[bigsal]

Ciao JW

For me, that not live in first-person this experience, it is easy to talk to.

You, better than anyone else can estimate how much happens around you.

I always say to everyone: follow your heart, but do not let anyone hurt him.

Nobody has the right to trample on the dignity of others, including relatives and parents.

:hug:

 

[jw4833]

Ciao JW

For me, that not live in first-person this experience, it is easy to talk to.

You, better than anyone else can estimate how much happens around you.

I always say to everyone: follow your heart, but do not let anyone hurt him.

Nobody has the right to trample on the dignity of others, including relatives and parents.

:hug:

You are totally right Big Sal.

But let me explain something to you. When I speak of forgiving people who have caused me a great deal of pain does not mean that my forgiveness is for them, its for me. Forgiveness towards my enemies or those who have hurt me does not mean that I will want to sit and have a meal with them or hang out. Its for me to move forward in my progression. Its also me being the bigger person also. Many times when you are able to forgive them, they are taken a back because this is a gesture that they are not expecting and it also brings out their guilt for causing you so much pain. More so, they see that you are a phenomenal individual which makes them feel more guilt for their actions towards you.

For example, last week, I was sending out Christmas cards because someone close to me had given me a box of them and I decided instead of letting them go to waste, I would mail them out to people. However, right before bundling them together to take to the Post Office, I was compelled to send all of my siblings Christmas cards. Honestly, I struggled with this initially and did not understand why it was on my heart to do this. Nonetheless, I wrote out cards to everyone of them. A couple of days later, my sister contacted me to tell me that they all were surprised at my gesture and some of them became overwhelmed with emotion because they knew that they did not deserve anything from me and yet for me to acknowledge them with Christmas cards brought them to tears.

My sister asked me what made me do this and I could not explain it to her. But after she heard what I had to say, she understood and commend me for being such a good individual. Now, as I told her, this gesture does not mean that all is well with us and it does not mean that I want to be in their company. Its just my way of showing how much I've grown as an individual and I will persevere far beyond what they could ever imagined.