Coming out

[havetohurt]

First of all, thanks for reading this.

Well, this is my story. A year ago my parents discovered I was gay and they asked me if I was. I had denied it to all of my friends, never had a boyfriend because there was nothing to reveal, but they sensed it though I "look straight". Yes, I like men, but that's not of your business.
Feeling a little trapped and realising it was time for me to speak the truth, I told my parents that "I like guys", there everything went bad.
First, I said "I like guys" because that's what it is. I don't like women, I like men. I don't feel confortable with the term "gay" because I don't know if I fit under it. What I know is that I like men and I want a guy in my life. That's it. Just a regular guy loving another guy, nothing else.
My parents don't have a very good relationship. They have argued several times, and this comes from earlier years even when I wasn't born, so it's a problem with them. This "confession" allowed them to continue that fight, blaming each other for my sexuality. Then they started with the inquisition, and the questions they had weren't the best one..
It was obvious they didn't liked it, that's probably one of the reasons why I never told them anything. I knew they wouldn't like it, so..
They asked me when did I discovered it. I told them I've always felt this way, probably at 8 started to realised it.
Then they asked if somebody had said or done anything to made me this way, impling as if I had been raped or something like that. I didn't like it, guess they didn't know how to react.
Then asked if I had been with a guy and even a girl, and that probably I was confused, that it was just a fase, the typical talk..
Then they asked if I was active or passive. I responded in a sort of rude way because that's not part of their business.
And they kept asking this questions, so everything was out. The next days felt a little wierd but I waited until all was settled down.

Months later they parents argued again, this time me and my sexuality being out of the topics of the discussion, and it end up with my dad deciding to leave the house. I still have a relationship with him, he's just pissed with my mom.
Every now and then they seem to be close again, but it ends in a new discussion. After a year, my mom came and started asking about my sexuality as if she was recently informed about it. She asked the same questions she had done and I was pissed. What was the point of explaining when she didn't understand and probably will never understand? Then she asked me why I didn't told her befoe. I asked her what for. This way it all end bad. What would have been if I told before? The same but just some years earlier?
And she asked if that was my final choice, and I say yes, because there's no choice to make, it just the way it is, if she can't understand, what can I do? So she said she was in pain, because she had imagined me in a way that I'm never gonna be.

Now I feel a little sad. A year passed by and still they don't seem to understand. What was the point of telling them? I'm tired, I've always listened people talk and talk, now they know but they don't make it any easier. Besides, I don't have any friends who know about this, and I know they won't understand it, so I'd better don't tell them for now. I don't go out every frequently, and I don't meet any guy to seem this from his perspective and this makes me feel so alone. What do you think?

 

[AleXXX UK]

Thanks for your story. It's obvious your parents have long standing issues and they're using your sexuality as a weapon against each other. That's not fair on you. Instead of supporting you as they should as parents they're putting their own pettiness first.

Don't feel as if you need to be 'gay' and do gay things. You don't need to make every life decision right now. You probably have more important things like your education, career, friendships and personal happiness to focus on. When you meet the right person at the right time, take it from there.

You should tell your mom and dad that you love them and that you are the way you not because anything they or anyone else has done. Coming out is hard to individuals but also parents. Like you said, your mom had dreams for you. She may never have grand kids through you and this is something she and your father will need to some time to come to terms with. They're probably crushed, confused and want someone to blame. There is no one to blame and they just need to accept you for who you are.

They may think they don't know you any more. Tell them you are still you, nothing there has changed, you'll always love them and they need to show you love and support too. I hope you manage to work this out with your family.

 

[jw4833]

Hello Havetohurt:

I can relate to your story because my "coming out" was similar to yours. Many of my "straight friends" were not suspicious or detect anything because of my demeanor and I did not act they way they perceive gay men to act. As I had mentioned in earlier posts, the only one that I knew of from my immediate family that became suspicious was my mother. This was due to the fact that the guy that I was dating at the time would call me constantly whenever I would visit her which prompted her to ask me about my sexuality. Although I did come out to my straight friends after having this moment with my mom, they did not believe me at first. In fact, it wasn't until a couple of them saw me with a guy out shopping and I introduce him to them. However, I do agree with everything that AleXXX UK mentioned in his response to you. He made some valid points that can work out for your benefit. Take Care and Good Luck!!!

 

[gb2000ie]

Parents tend to have their kids futures planned out in their heads from before they are even born. They pour loads of their emptions into all these dreams of how great it will be when their perfect kid has a perfect life being totally happy doing exactly what the parents think is normal and right. When you shatter those dreams with reality it's like a little bereavement for them. So, it's normal for them to take some time to adjust to what is for them a new reality, and re-calibrate their hopes and dreams.

The thing is, in your case, even after giving them time, there doesn't seem to be an re-calibration. I wish I knew what the solution to that was, but I just don't.

As for coming out to others, whether or not you do it at all is up to you. But, if you live in a society where you can be gay without risking your life, it would probably be better for you to be open. Secrets isolate you from those around you, you mention being lonely, keeping a big secret is probably counter-productive in that arena.

I was intrigued to hear you say you're not gay you just like guys. Well, that's ALL being gay is. They myth of a gay culture is just that, a myth. There are many gays who enjoy the scene, and many gays who are very camp and very ostentatiously gay, but that's just a small subset of the total gay population. Don't allow the stereotype to define you. Being gay does not determine who you should be, it's just one aspect of who you are. The way I explained it to my straight friends who were confused by my lack of campness is that I am not a gay man, I am a man who happens to be gay. Sounds like a distinction without a difference, but it really isn't.

Hope my ramblings are of some help.

B.

 

[Urban]

I think gb2000ie hit the nail right on the head, all the way around, and I think you'll find many, many gay people (and straight people) who also agree.

My partner and I have talked about what being gay means several times, and we have always come up with the idea that your sexuality is defined by who you fantasize about sexually. We call it the "jack-off standard": if you think about girls when you jack off, you're sraight; boys, you're gay, both, you're bi. That's all there is to being gay; it has nothing to do with what sort of "lifestyle" or behavior you conform to, or what you like or don't like (other than boys).

And when you wonder what was the point in coming out to your parents, I think if you just examine your inner feelings you probably will find the answer to that. Your parents now both know you for who you really are, and you've maintained relationships with both of them, but even if you hadn't, at least you're not living a lie with them anymore. I've never been one who thinks everybody should be completely out, but it sounds to me like you did the right thing. I think the only solution is time, and the problem is not yours, it's theirs. And whatever you do, please don't ever blame yourself for how your parents reacted or for the problems they have with each other.