Dating advice

[themanwhocan]

Hi all,

I just want some advice really. I have been dating a great guy for 5 months. It was going really well except over the last month or so. We usually text each other every day and see each other at least once a week (depending on how busy each other are). Over the last month or so he has been texting me less and at times there have been no replies to my messages. I decided to leave it for a little while as I don't want to come across as "clingy" but after not hearing from him for 2 weeks I decided to call him. He didn't pick up any of my calls. I've even tried facebooking him with no luck. I know he's around as he regularly updates his facebook status. The last I've seen him was over a month ago and I'm not really too sure what to do. I really like this guy but feel it's futile to try to contact him as I know there will be no reply. What do you think I should do next? Any advice is appreciated!

Thanks in advanced

 

[Squallmuzza]

It's pretty obvious he's being a dick and ignoring you for some reason. This might not be your fault, it could be because he's going through some stuff.

I know it sucks but keep your distance, let him come to you and you'll get your answers all the easier and more readily then.

 

[lskyus]

I had a similar issue too, at first it was great, then suddenly he stopped calling, texting and I began to wonder why?

Same problem it at first appears, we took it slow and steady as I was really nervous and he seemed to live off that energy. After a few months he just stopped communicating, texting less and less. I genuinely never found out the reason, despite the "wait for him to come to you theory" That my friends kept telling me...

I do not know you or him, and you do not know me, but I would say this:

I can only guess he has either got a major problem on his hands which would explain it all too nicely, or he has been dishonest with you about something. I would get on with your life and if he really does care, he will tell you why.

If you do not get your answer, you can at least start to move forward again.

Good luck either way

 

[topdog]

A friendship, much less a love relationship, cannot survive if one person's way of dealing with pressure, decision, or bad news is to clam up and pretend that everything is OK.

At a basic level I agree with the others, which boils down to this: he is not in love with you. He probably does care about you though, so he doesn't want to have to tell you something that will make you unhappy. But he is avoiding his basic responsibility to communicate this to you so you can grieve and move on - that is (as Squallmuzza indicates) dick-like behavior.

But, that is just the obvious. Something else is going on behind the scenes and he doesn't want to share that side of himself with you. Maybe he is dealing with an overwhelming problem (family issues, sickness, etc.) and thinks it is his cross to bear alone. He may think he is shielding you and being kind, but he's really cutting you out of his life - as you can already feel.

It's also quite possible that he has met someone else, or an old love has come back into his life. Maybe it happened gradually and he just didn't take account of the impact it would have on you until it was too late - and then he's in the situation I already mentioned above: he doesn't know how to tell you.

For you, all of this comes down to the same smack in the face - you are in love with him, but he doesn't love you as much and doesn't want to share the daily details of his life with you. I know that is the hardest thing in the world to hear when you were planning the months (years?) ahead sharing your lives. I am truly sorry to have to put this very real possibility out here.

But there is another big message to take away here - none of this is your fault. It didn't happen because you were too clingy, or not fun enough, or not available enough, or _______ (fill in you personal self-esteem issue here). Whatever else is going on, he is ducking his responsibility as a friend, if nothing else, to tell you what is going on - especially when you have been trying to get him to talk about that.

Here's the best piece of relationship advice anyone has ever given me:

"Sometimes the glass slipper just doesn't fit."

Don't try to figure out why he doesn't want to continue on - it's a waste of time. If he doesn't find enough chemistry to keep invested in the relationship, that is reason enough for him to move on - no other explanation needed.

It would be nice if he could face the consequences of his actions with you - but that's his communication and intimacy issues, and better to see them in operation now rather than later.

If you really want to get him to talk, sit him down in a nice quiet setting.

1. Be calm and supportive of whatever may be happening. Tell him how his actions are making you feel. Tell him you want to hear his side of the story. Ask him what he is going through.
2. If he won't man-up, then the next best solution for everyone involved is for you to take the reigns and let him know that the status quo shuts you out and is not an acceptable place for you, an intimate friend and lover, to occupy. If that's all he can offer, then you need to dial back the relationship to the "friends" stage. (If even that is possible.)

If the news is bad, then go home. Cry. Throw things. Break dishes. Most importantly write angry letters to him (but don't send them). Read them to a trusted friend (who's not going to share them either). Keep writing and crying until the smoke clears a bit and the anger subsides somewhat and you begin to understand what this means to you. Once you get there, you are ready to talk to him. You are not a victim. You may have the power to save the relationship from his clumsy actions (if he is still in love with you). If not, you can walk away on your terms, grieve the loss, and open yourself up for a new life.