Apologies to everyone in advance, but here I go again with another of my l-o-n-g replies. After this, I'll take a break from GH for awhile before I suck all the oxygen out of the room (I couldn't be brief if my life depended on it).
dear wardell, this "fear of sex" theme ties in with others you have posted about depression and loneliness: we can't really break it off as a separate thing, because each affects the other. As several of us suggested in your other threads, you have too many intertwined issues to tackle everything head-on all at once. Start with baby steps toward resolving your current lack of social interaction with other people, then continue from there bit by bit. Definitely call a gay help hotline, ask about the best ways to meet new friends or potential sex partners in your specific location (they may know of "safe spaces" gays gather in that you have no clue about).
The hotline can also help calm your fears of disease. STDs are a concern for everybody, gay or straight, but you need to get a better handle on it. Yes, there is always some risk, but all of life is risk. The frustration of never getting laid can have just as terrible an impact on health (stress, eating disorders, blood pressure). Kissing, making out, mutual handjobs, and humping each other (frot) are nearly 100% safe, and plenty satisfying compared to no sex. Blowjobs are reasonably safe, actually MUCH safer today than for a straight man to go down on a woman. Rimming is what it is: it helps to know the person well enough to expect sufficient cleanliness. Anal bottoming is risky without condoms, much safer with.
You've implied that you live in a very homophobic part of the American deep south, and can't possibly afford to re-locate. This unfortunately does limit your ability to just walk out the door and go about your gay business, but you are not alone in that situation: thousands of gay men have had to figure out how to carve out a life for themselves in such environments. While it is usually best to move yourself to an urban gay-friendly city no matter what the cost, many choose not to leave hostile places for various reasons aside from affordability (wanting to stay near family or lifelong friends or a good job, finishing school, or they love the overall area despite the horrible people in it).
Unless you are literally living in a 60s-era remote rural "Brokeback Mountain" locale with a population less than 100 people spread out over 100 miles, there are definitely at least a few other gay men near you hiding in plain sight. The trick is learning how to find them and cultivate a few friendships, to relieve the scary feeling that you're utterly alone. This is something a good gay hotline should be able to help with, suggesting places in your area gay people frequent or which gay social apps/websites are most popular in your vicinity. Or at the very least, connect you with a professional for talk therapy. You seem to spend all your time in the echo chamber of your own mind, and that isn't healthy or helpful for anyone: our worst enemy is our own insecurities run amok. The best way to fight that is social interaction with other people with positive attitudes.
Gay sex is a highly-charged, very subjective topic that is tricky to discuss with "virgins" who feel they're getting too old to still be virgins. I've been there, my friend: the longer I remained "untouched" the more importance I attached to sex, until I tied myself into knots. Despite being born in relatively liberal New York City, I was raised in a very blue-collar, very homophobic section with zero gay visibility. When I was old enough to become aware of gay magazines, we were at the absolute peak of gay promiscuity (if you weren't taking ten cocks per night up your ass in 1981, you were considered a pathetic loser).
Being a hopeless romantic, I could not relate to this at all: I couldn't conceive of myself getting involved in random encounters. The heavily promiscuous, dominant gay culture of my era delayed my coming out to myself by several wasted years. But there was no internet then to level the playing field and indicate alternative ways of being gay: it seemed you were either an absolute utter cock slut or you were a nothing ("dating" didn't even exist according to "The Advocate" and other gay news outlets).
When I was 22 years old, I was fortunate enough to finally meet my first gay friend. He was an astonishing person to encounter in our backwards, practically redneck, stone-straight neighborhood: the most obviously gay, obviously femme man I had ever met (or would ever meet) in my lifetime. He couldn't possibly hide what he was if he tried: born with the face, figure, voice and bearing of a woman (but not attempting to be a woman- he wasn't drag or trans). He was originally from my neighborhood, but had left to become an actor in California: made appearances in several night time TV dramas, and been a popular daytime soap star for several years. But at 33, his career had begun to fade because he couldn't pass for straight anymore (in the '60s and '70s "femme" actors were still perceived by the female audience as sensitive or educated instead of gay, but by the 1980s machismo took over and "fag" started getting thrown at any actor who wasn't Stallone). So he was forced to come back home to live in an apt owned by his grandfather, near the store I worked in. Thats where we met.
At the time I was very gangly and geeky and petrified anyone would figure out I was (maybe) gay. I had a few old friends I'd known since grade school, but otherwise was ridiculously painfully shy and lonely (most people thought I was either autistic or snooty). For long stretches of time, I'd be the only clerk on duty in the appliance repair shop, and during one of those stretches this very obvious queen walked in. He had a broken VCR, one I recognized as a brand beyond repair. I advised him to trash it and buy a new one, otherwise my unscrupulous boss would charge $ to fix it over and over and never tell him the repairs were only temporary. The queen was very appreciative of my honesty, and took my advice.
After that he seemed to take note of the time the shop would be empty, and began coming in every day to hang out and talk for a couple of hours. He was so easy to chat with, so open and friendly and witty, and seemed to overlook my geeky exterior to connect with the person I was inside. In turn, I was shocked how quickly I took his obvious "femme" qualities in stride: instead of spooking me, I was in awe of his courage in not trying to hide or blend into the woodwork. Within a week or two, he very carefully but deliberately "outed" us both to each other by saying "Honey, we're on the verge of becoming real friends, and real friends don't pretend. I'm pretty sure you know what I am, but I have a feeling you're having trouble with who you are. Life is short: you can tell me, I promise I won't judge".
From that day forward we were best friends. He told me all about the variety of gay life, and his whole personal journey. I would watch, fascinated, as he got himself ready to go out to distant gay bars a couple nights each week, hoping to meet a long-term partner. I would never accompany him, because I had an irrational fear of gay bars as scary places where I might disappear.
About a year later, he turned to me one night and said "I wonder if we're missing an opportunity right under our noses. We get along so well in other ways, maybe we should see if it carries thru sex?" And that night was the first time I had any sexual contact with another person. It was an all-out disaster, because he was very experienced and I had no clue whatsoever what gay sex was about. I could see he was disappointed, but he did his best to re-assure me "nothing ventured, nothing gained" and that our friendship wouldn't change.
He patiently re-explained the concepts of "top" and "bottom," and said we weren't a good match because we were both clearly bottom-oriented. He apologized for misreading me and guessing I was probably a top, but it just wasn't clear until we bedded down and he wanted me to fuck him. I couldn't even get hard enough to try, and was mortified he'd think I didn't find him attractive or was rejecting him, because I honestly had no idea what was or wasn't happening or why. To his everlasting credit, he put aside his own disappointment to make sure I wasn't traumatized or unduly confused.
He told me a straight man can basically fuck any breathing woman at any time because they're hard-wired biologically to want it: the primitive urge to fuck pussy usually over-rides any thought process. But gay sexuality can get complicated by emotional/mental associations, with some men instinctively gravitating to top, some to bottom, and some being innately versatile. Those whose personality leans primarily toward bottom might not be able to get turned on enough by the idea of topping to succeed at it, so should probably not try unless or until a situation occurs where they do feel a strong natural urge to top.
While it was a shattering experience some ways, I did learn a lot from it, and it finally cleared the cobwebs out of my sexuality, helping me fully understand who the hell I actually was as a gay man. Tho ironically it did nothing to help me find sexual satisfaction, because I still had the problem of being mistakenly perceived as a top by other gays. This only got worse the following year, when I suddenly morphed from looking like a geeky straight guy to a somewhat intimidating straight "bear" (years before "bears" were a thing: at the time, most gays wouldn't be caught dead with facial hair- today, its the reverse). Everyone sneeringly assumed I was a leftover hippie from San Francisco, or worse- Charles Manson.
Anyway, our friendship did continue and deepen, until his untimely sudden death at age 40 from a brain tumor. His quality of life had been declining rapidly: after the first year back in town, when people were so shocked by his femme-ness they were incapable of reacting, the backlash started and he had to be very careful what streets he walked on and when. By 1986 the cult of "macho" became the dominant force in both gay and straight culture, and effeminate gays who couldn't "pass" (like my friend) were cruelly cast aside as "non-persons". He couldn't get a job, because he looked like a transsexual no matter how hard he tried to blend in as "male". Where he previously had no trouble hooking up, old friends would now shoo him away from them in bars, lest potential tricks think they were too "femme friendly". The very social, very comfortable man I met became a recluse on public assistance, never leaving his apartment again. Whenever I'm going thru a low period in my life, I remember his far more difficult struggles and how valiantly and gracefully he endured them- it inspires and motivates me still.
Which circles back to your topics: yes, living an authentic gay life in a hostile environment with little money can be very difficult, but others before you have suffered thru as much or worse and persevered- quite often transcending their cir
stances. And yes, gay sex IS scary and confusing until you finally experience it for yourself and gain the opportunity to discover exactly what the hell you want and what your sexuality truly means to you. Until you connect physically with another man, you'll just be guessing and wondering and building the whole thing up into an ever-expanding mental block.
You can't solve every problem in life at once, but taking small steps toward achievable goals is empowering. Perhaps you could look up the old book "Joy Of Gay Sex"? It gave a fairly reasonable, realistic overview of how to prepare for your first time and what to expect. A sex worker or sex surrogate might indeed be of great help here, but you've mentioned financial problems. A quality session with a pro experienced in "virgin" issues could cost $300 or more. The guys offering $50 blowjobs are more suited to experienced gays already comfortable with random sex, who just want quick no-strings effortless release. You aren't at that comfort level yet.
Your first time might be wonderful, which would be great, but don't fear being disappointed: at the very least, you will learn something that will increase the chances of the second or third experience being MUCH better. If at all possible, you should probably try to have your first time with a guy who is experienced but low-key. Someone who isn't likely to insist on a particular sex act, but rather just go with the flow and understand your need to feel safe and discover what feels good for you.
You're more likely to find that type of guy on a "dating"- oriented app like Match. Answering a ping on Grind'r from a random guy looking for an immediate hookup would be a bad idea: you aren't mentally prepared yet or physically able to provide a specific sex act on-demand. Some guys on Grind'r are cool and laid back, but generally not: the app has been around long enough now that the novelty has worn off and its become a rather cold, transactiional commodity. Literally "Dial-A-Dick" - a guy is horny, wants to get laid within ten minutes, by a very specific type ("age 20-25, uncut cock at least 7" and ready to fuck me, no oral, goatee but no beard, small ears a plus, must have long toes"). Grind'r is not at all suitable for neophytes who don't even know what sex act they prefer yet: very few "patient teachers" frequent Grind'r these days.
Actual sex is nothing like porn. There isn't a rigid schedule or checklist (walk into the room, shake hands, grope each other, suck each other perfectly, rim each other, fuck each other seamlessly, both have equal orgasms). Most of us are good at some sex acts, less good at others, and need to meet partners who are compatible with those abilities or preferences. Sometimes its biology, sometimes its preference (i.e., I strongly identify as bottom and love to get fucked, but it rarely happens because penetrating my bony ass is like breaking into Fort Knox, and most tops have neither the patience nor a long enough cock. Eventually I just got comfortable being the top everyone wanted me to be anyway, and my sex life got a LOT easier
).
Blowjobs look easy in porn, but can be a total bitch to master in real life. Some guys are born cocksuckers, others need time to learn, others are never really great at it. Typical mouths can't open wide enough to take a large cock without teeth causing a problem: mastering the paradox of how to keep your teeth out of the way while maintaining pressure and suction takes practice (never mind deep throating: like taking a cock in your ass, you're either born with ability to do this or you need a very patient teacher). Rimming is love/hate act: you may prefer giving or receiving, both or neither.
Even a simple handjob has wide variability. Maybe your partner has the right grip, maybe not. Maybe his hands are soft that day, maybe rough, and you don't know which you like better yet. Then theres all the other stuff: subconscious (or overt) role playing, degree of involvement of other body parts and fetishes, all of which you learn by doing and becoming more aware of and comfortable with yourself.
Some guys are extremely lucky, and the first man they hook up with becomes a long term partner (this used to be very common at universities, less so now). But for most of us, its a numbers game: we need to keep putting ourselves out there, meeting new sex buddies, learning more about them and ourselves, until one day we "click" with a special someone who becomes a partner. Or, we realize we aren't cut out for the partner thing, but prefer more casual affairs or anonymous encounters. These are things you can only learn about from experience: maybe once you've been with a couple of guys sexually, it will help get you "unstuck" in other areas of life by giving unexpected fresh perspective.
As always, wishing you the best of luck. p
