Greetings from a messed up Bisexual

[ClosetBi]

Hello all
not sure if I was supposed to post this here or in the presentation so I did both.
As my nick clearly shows I'm a closet bisexual.
I did come out clean with my ex about my bisexuality but it didn't end well and that is why I prefer to keep it to myself this time around.
I've been a bisexual from day one. From then on I just kept on going with my bi experiences through middle and high school. Had practically all my first experiences with men, even though I was attracted to girls. I tried to abstain from homosexual relations for a while and remain hetero but I just could not do it. It felt like I was missing a part of myself. Unfortunately I also don't feel like I can ever have a homosexual relation since I seem to like cocks but also like women, which is kinda weird. I have good frienships, have had a couple of long time male "fuckbuddies" or friends with benefits but always while having a relation with a woman.
I do have trouble with this double nature of mine. I have trouble with the "cheating" and with the "hiding" part but I'd rather not go through with another divorce.
I have beautiful children and love my family life even though I'm in a sexless marriage.
From time to time I manage a little diversion with a bi/gay friend to keep my sex life running somehow.
Reading my post through I can see I'm messed up and that's one reason I'm here. I need to talk about this sincerely with someone, and since I can't do it with anyone near me I'm trying it here.
Live long and prosper

 

[nature1490]

I'm sorry you are struggling with how to live happily with your orientation. I know the struggle for being bi and living in a world where it seems it is set up to be attracted to 1 gender or sex vs. 2 or more. I will happily be an ear and person to talk things out with. I as well happen to be bi and seem to be attracted to guys a bit more than women sexually, but more attracted to women than men for more emotional support in relationships as well.

 

[cockyblu]

Okay, of all the things you have shared, this line bothers me the most — your childhood experiences. Haven't it occurred to you that you have been, sorry for the term, molested as a child? I know some will argue that it's consensual; that you're a willing participant to those experiences, however, you're still a minor at that age and kids at that age shouldn't be exposed to that kind of scenario you had been subjected to. This might be one of the reasons why you're confused about your sexual identity.

Yes, I know I've read it – you're bisexual and yet you haven't been loyal and faithful to single gender at a specific time. You claim you have a concurrent sexual relationship with a man and with a woman, now my question would be this, at that time whom have you connected with on an emotional level?

 

[ClosetBi]

Okay, of all the things you have shared, this line bothers me the most — your childhood experiences. Haven't it occurred to you that you have been, sorry for the term, molested as a child?....

You claim you have a concurrent sexual relationship with a man and with a woman, now my question would be this, at that time whom have you connected with on an emotional level?

Yes I do know. We eventually got "busted" and the whole situation became very upsetting and unpleasant for me. It made me feel very guilty, very dirty and very wrong.
I probably am pretty confused because of this since I never got to speak sincerely about it. When I was "interrogated" I told a fraction of the truth, not sure to protect whom but I felt it was better than telling everything that happened. It was bad enough like that. And I kept things to myself ever since.
I started speaking about my experience with my ex wife to whom I confessed my bisexuality but it didn't end up very well.

As for your question, I usually build emotional bonds with women and more of a sexual relationship with men.

Thanks for your comment

 

[topdog]

I'm so sorry - it sounds like a really painful situation for everyone involved. I am not bi, but I am guessing that it might be easier for bi guys to close their eyes and ignore whatever part of their sexuality seems inconvenient at the time. Where as if you are just gay, you kind of have to face it and deal with it in some way, at least internally. So I am saying that the whole coming to terms with all of your sexuality may take longer.

The offshoot of that is that you end up in a marriage before you have figured everything out. Then you are left having to process sexual desires that do not match the expectations of your spouse.

So, bottom line, one divorce, one sexless marriage and kids. And you still don't have the sex life and emotional relationship that you want.

First, don't judge yourself. We all have to work out our own sexuality on our own timetable. Yours is just more complicated than most, so it took longer to figure out.

Second, hiding isn't the best idea. Hiding was part of the formula that got you where you are today.

• Hiding makes your spouse feel betrayed when she finds out after the wedding that you are bi and you want to add man sex into the mix.
• Hiding means gay/bi men think that you are straight, and so they don't know that you are available.
• Hiding means that you won't stir the interest of women that would love a man who would welcome another man in their bed in a three way, or watch her husband have sex with another man.

In short, hiding means that you are attracting the wrong women, and missing out on the right men. You have to be out to be available for real relationships.

I don't know you well enough to tell you what you should do from here. I do think that cementing yourself into a tomb of loneliness by hiding will only make things worse.

But we are happy to have your sexy self here. Even so, maybe a short term goal might be to find at least one friend (or counselor / therapist / clergyperson) that you can open up to so you can really talk from your heart in the real world.

:heart:

 

[ClosetBi]

• Hiding makes your spouse feel betrayed when she finds out after the wedding that you are bi and you want to add man sex into the mix.
• Hiding means gay/bi men think that you are straight, and so they don't know that you are available.
• Hiding means that you won't stir the interest of women that would love a man who would welcome another man in their bed in a three way, or watch her husband have sex with another man.

In short, hiding means that you are attracting the wrong women, and missing out on the right men. You have to be out to be available for real relationships.

You probably have a point there... I have never thought about it that way even though I did come clean with my ex wife at the beginning of our relation, before she became my wife. She was bi too by the way. Unfortunately things went south anyway

....maybe a short term goal might be to find at least one friend (or counselor / therapist / clergyperson) that you can open up to so you can really talk from your heart in the real world.

This sounds like a reasonable short term goal. Can't imagine telling any of my current friends.. I'll try to find someone else.
Thanks for your time, effort and the good advice.
:heart:

 

[brmstn69]

I was watching a TV show (Slutever) about how it's still taboo for a man to be Bi. The host concluded that a bisexual man was the "Holy Grail" of boyfriends. It's like having a gay best friend that wants to go down on you...

 

[topdog]

Unfortunately, many women don't see the glass so half full. A lot of them just see double the competition. And half that competition brings something to the party they do not have.