Grievances - a serious subject

[XMan101]

How do you deal with condolences?

I know that in some cases people are so frightened to confront they'll ignore. I've seen it happen , some have no clue what to say so they will avoid the person despite their feelings. It's not cowardice , it's a self not knowing how to handle it. All that person needs is perhaps no words, just a hug. Why is that frightening for some?

Tonight I had to send a message to someone I knew. I don't believe in God , I'm not religious, but somehow I wrote the right words. They were appreciated, and I think far more from the heart than others who just said the likes that "God will be looking after" etc!

What I wrote as an aethiest was so much more from myself than those who said the sterotypical things which mean nothing! (Yes, I have seen their messages, and bland all of them, all god and all crap!)

I struggled to send a message but in the end didn't think and just wrote from the heart. Best way always.

Please, no silly comments in this thread (well not yet anyway, maybe later ) but I'm interested in your feelings and approach to someone who has had a death who is no relation to you but just a friend or relative of, as in my case.

How do you deal with it? As above, I speak from my heart and mean it. I don't rehearse I just say, do you feel awkward? Would you avoid the person or the issue?

Be honest, I'm interested because I've seen both avoidance and platitudes!

Nobody will condemn you for your feelings - and remember I'm talking about a friend's or aquantance's grievance, not yours!

 

[garth33]

How do you deal with condolences?

I know that in some cases people are so frightened to confront they'll ignore. I've seen it happen , some have no clue what to say so they will avoid the person despite their feelings. It's not cowardice , it's a self not knowing how to handle it. All that person needs is perhaps no words, just a hug. Why is that frightening for some?

Tonight I had to send a message to someone I knew. I don't believe in God , I'm not religious, but somehow I wrote the right words. They were appreciated, and I think far more from the heart than others who just said the likes that "God will be looking after" etc!

What I wrote as an aethiest was so much more from myself than those who said the sterotypical things which mean nothing! (Yes, I have seen their messages, and bland all of them, all god and all crap!)

I struggled to send a message but in the end didn't think and just wrote from the heart. Best way always.

Please, no silly comments in this thread (well not yet anyway, maybe later ) but I'm interested in your feelings and approach to someone who has had a death who is no relation to you but just a friend or relative of, as in my case.

How do you deal with it? As above, I speak from my heart and mean it. I don't rehearse I just say, do you feel awkward? Would you avoid the person or the issue?

Be honest, I'm interested because I've seen both avoidance and platitudes!

Nobody will condemn you for your feelings - and remember I'm talking about a friend's or aquantance's grievance, not yours!

feel for you Mike - I've totally been there with the same thoughts...

I think you did it right. Give a reason or memory why "Bob" will have a place in your head. It doesn't have to be sentimental - it just has to be something why you remembered the deceased....in the end, itsn't that what we all want? To be remembered for something?

(Farting would probably NOT be the best category but, at least for me, anything else goes!)

PEACE,
g33

 

[XMan101]

I didn't know the relative, and the person in this case was someone far away, which made it more difficult, and to add fuel, as a lot of Americans, God features so much in anything.

That's what worried me! I know that a lot who sent the sympathies all talked about God. I can't do that. But I did send the right words about her father. It wasn't wrong and was appreciated, and I admitted I couldn't mention God, but it was difficult to know what the reaction would be. I worded it well, and sometimes it's best not to think but to act, because that's all that's needed. I got a lovely reply.

My question was how do you react to a friend's relative's death? I am quite serious! How do you respond to them? I know I can do it, I've done it more than once, but I've seen people being ignored by friends simply because they don't know what to say.

A friend's daughter died, and someone I know could not even bring herself to talk to him! I told her you should just at least speak & smile but she wouldn't!

She was scared. She wasn't being cruel but it's strange how another's grievance will affect friends even.

That's my question - I know to talk but not sympathise, but how do YOU handle that sort of situation ?

I'm curious, and maybe we can learn from people experiences and discussions.

 

[newage]

depends on how much i know the person and how i was informed. My words would nothing short of honesty, as someone tittering between atheism and agnostic i wouldn't rule out the possiblity of GOd, but it would be far from the central theme. I have lost one person i truly loved at the age of 9 and the feeling can be quite depressing. fack i don't know what to say right now ..don't want to sound like a complete fool. But reassurance in this life and possiblity of a bright future despite a stark present would be my central theme. Sh!t happens and life must move on. Though not in those words.

 

[BugsyB]

hmmmm, is this a god question? or something more? how to act or what to say to someone in grief? its all in the moment for us..we cant predict or say how to react...we just do!!! i dont think anything is wrong...lol

 

[ritsuka]

I think it is best to just talk from the heart and not spend too much time over analyzing the 'right' thing to say...that's what I've done. I remember when a good friend of mine's best friend had committed suicide, and she wrote to me saying that it was great that me and another person had just written a nice email to her the day she found out (but before we knew yet.) That taught me a lot of how to respond.

Sending a hug, making a nice gesture, listening is probably the best. I absolutely do dislike moralizing responses ("it was for the best" etc.) actually I think it is terrible to say something like that because if the grieving person doesn't agree that it was "best" or whatnot, it could start an argument.

 

[richym]

I think that often the key is not what we say, but that we are actually there for the person. They will have people telling them all the "right" things. Sometimes all they are looking for is someone to just be with them. To sit with them. Someone that they know they can talk to in the tough moments. I don't think we have to have the answers, just be ready to be there.

 

[Tom]

Tough one!
I always hate that situation. I always feel awkward. I think we all do, and I don't think its something we "grow out of".

I think the main point is you didn't avoid the situation, you were there for support of your friend. Even if your words are not poetic or beautiful, the fact that you reached out is what I believe matters most. You have shown that person how you care for them and are there when they need you.

 

[JonnyFantastico]

I can definitely understand the difficulty in something like this, Mike. I've always been afraid to take that first step to someone who I may be close to and give my condolences about someone I may not know... years ago, a close friend of mine's boyfriend was killed. I bumped into her and I started to give my thoughts when she stopped me and said, "I've heard that all day long, Jonathan; please, don't say it."

For some reason, it really messed with my head and somehow internalized itself into me overstepping some boundary and since that day; it's been hard for me to step forward and give my thoughts when someone passes, whether I knew them well or not.

You have the right way of thinking; you have to speak from the heart. No thinking, no hashing it out... just let them know you're there for them. Sometimes, the unspoken words of a hug can do just as much, if not more. Just let your heart speak for you; it will never steer you wrong. Even if you didn't like the person (which is something I went through recently; oddly enough, with the person's sister I mentioned before and her brother-in-law); letting that person know you are there for them in any way possible can be the beginning step to heal the pain of losing someone they loved or cared for.

 

[XMan101]

Thanks for all the intelligent replies guys I was just very curious how you may react to a situation and you are pretty much like me and sensitive and thoughtful

I have to admit, I didn't think out my reply I did write from the heart and was honest. Some can only write stereotypical platitudes , and agree they are so meaningless.

The older we all get the more we have to face this problem. It's never a bland indifference though, each time is just as difficult as the first!

 

[Tom]

Damn Integritas0,

You are very good at expressing yourself.