Thanks for all the kind messages. I only hope anyone in that situation can be inspired to do what's right for them. Don't let anyone tell you what is and isn't right for you, it's your life and you have to do what's right for you.
I'll add a little more to my 'story' since people seem engaged by it.
My real dad was a monster, he abused my mother, slept around and one day she picked up the courage to pack her bags and leave with me at 3 and my little brother aged 1 at midnight when he was drunk. We moved very far away and my dad never traced her down at first. Boy did she do the right thing. My low life father never forgave her, hated women and ended up murdering his second wife a few years later.
Then things changed. My mother had pretty low self esteem and seem to be drawn to and attract... S
. She then married my step father a few years later and fell under his spell. He was a drinker, substance abuser and occasionally beat my mother. He never liked me and i think he saw me and my brother as just baggage that came along. Then my half brother and half sister were born and the dynamic changed. My step dad totally neglected me and my brother, adored his own children and my mother fell under his spell. My younger brother became manipulated and pretty much brainwashed.
My dad hadn't worked a day in 15yrs when I left the family. His routine was to drink from midnight to 7am, fight with my mother and pass out. At 9pm he'd take the money she'd earn, spend it in a restaurant and on booze with his friends, come in at 3am and row and fight with her. This went on for years. It used to wake me up at night, I could hear them downstairs, sometimes they'd argue about me.
My mother always forgave him and was an expert on self denial. So many nights when they have a big fight, he'd beat her, I'd creep off to school, I'd come back and they were all happy families, buying take out, watching TV. I just hid in my room in the attic and didnt want to have anything to do with anyone. i became a recluse. This was my childhood.
I became a straight A student because I was desperate to get out and go to college. That actually happened. One day I just packed my bags, my dad was hung over, I just told them I had got into college and I was gone. I not think they realised for the first week.
Three whole years away from them made me realise how awful and unusual my life was. Up until then I was told this is not only normal, I'm luckier than most especially as my step dad had 'accepted' us.
So college was over. I had saved some money. I think I had totally gotten over my childhood and become 'normal' around my college buddies. No one there or even at school knew what was going on at home. They always told me I must have wonderful parents being the way I was...!
Then I packed my bags and went home. Nothing had changed. In fact I was shocked at the abuse, the problems, the poison, the venom, the denial. My extended family turned a blind eye and my siblings had been thoroughly poisoned and brain washed by then. They never went to college or spent a day outside the family home. For the first time I could really appreciate how bad things were. I moved out again within weeks. What was really strange to me was that my dad thought he could be as abusive to me at 22 as he did when I was 12. I could have knocked him out in a flash but I know my mother the rest of them would disown me. They really had been brainwashed. My real brothers entire pay check is wired into my dads bank/booze account. He doesn't even complain. He's that loyal. He will then ask for 'pocket money' off of them. That's how twisted things are.
I moved into my own apartment after a minor argument with them. My mother always backed up my step father. I was crushed by this but she always denied there was ever a problem and ignorance was bliss.
I won't go into any detail but my siblings were all growing into adults and I was very affraid that any bust up with them as adults could mean a permanent fall out and that i wouldn't get to see any future nephews or nieces again. We were no longer kids so we couldn't afford to fall out with them. I wanted to build bridges.
Having said that I had changed a great deal at college. I even took a year out to travel the globe. I saw the highest human highs and the lowest human lows. That really put into perspective what a shitty life we had at home. The one thing I have never been able to do is tolerate abuse and keep my mouth shut or act in denial. As a kid I went through all that I decided long ago never again. It was impossible for me to keep a lid on my temper or opinions. My family didn't appreciate this one bit.
So our relations soured even further and were always hanging by a thread. A couple of month later, my step dad would go on cross the line further than he had ever done before. At that point I decided enough was enough. I reached out to my mother and said if you want to leave him I would support her 100%. She was emotional and was ready to pack her bags. I don't want to say too much she got me in a situation where I would have got into quite a lot of debt if I had gone ahead with her plan. At the last minute she bailed out, didn't want to know me and went back to my father leaving me high and dry.
So I keep out of their way for a whole year. My mother had my cellphone number but didn't call it once. My siblings had no contact with me. I felt very alone at that time. I wasn't sure why I was being punished. They painted some lie that even my extended family cut me off.
I moved to london and landed the most amazing job. Ive never been better and dreamt of taking my mother away from home and spoiling her here. i was making good money and money was always a problem at home growing up. my mother never showed any interest when i called her. One day I had a call from my mother, there was some sob story bout my dad and he wanted to make his peace with me. He wanted to acknowledge his 'crimes' and apologise.
It was a trap.
I won't go into any detail. I was pretty much ambushed. I ended up calling the cops. They fled. I was asked if I wanted to press charges. I said no. It took me from midnight to 7 am to go back to my own place. That was the longest night of my life. I spent the next day crying. I felt I had died, they had died, everything we had had died.
The next day I pulled myself together. I decided I wasn't going to be bitter. I prayed for them once, forgave them all for everything that had happened and promised to forget them. When I say forgive them, it was all about closure. We were done. Forgive, forget, move on. Will not let you or your thoughts haunt me or poison my future relationships. I will learn to trust and love again. I deserve better than what they tried to make me.
I felt free at last, reborn, released, happy. I started doing better at work, earned more money. Money became a barometer for how well my employers valued my work. I was wined and dined. I got to work with amazing people from around the world and still do. My world today is such a far cry from the one I grew up in. The people I have in my life are brilliant, nothing like anyone I grew up with. I still fight battles every day but these battles are worth fighting with worthy opponents in business not the low life s
I endured before.
I don't think about my family, I don't want to know whether they're dead or alive. They are poison and would only bring me down.
The downside is always going to be Christmas, the holidays, birthdays. Friends are always great, family would obviously be better. I am happier and more at peace with my life today than I have ever been and my past problems make every single problem I've ever had since a total walk in the park in comparison.
So have I heard back from my family since? Yeah, kinda.
A few years ago I was shopping and my mother called my cellphone from out of the blue, like 2yrs down the line. I didnt recognise the number so said hello, she replied with the most enthusiastic 'hello' as if nothing had happened. As soon as I recognised the voice I hung up and switched my phone off. A couple of hours later I had a voicemail. It my mother. She was in some very bad shape and was sobbing down the phone. I ended the voicemail pulled the sim card out of my phone and cut it up and threw it away. I deleted my Facebook, cancelled my email accounts, even switch apartments, any trace there was to me, I got rid of and started fresh.
The very last I heard of them was about three years ago. I got a message from a friend of a friend of a friend via text that my step dad was on a life support system as his liver had failed from years of drinking and that my family wanted me know that he wanted to see me.
I didn't respond. I have never heard back from anyone since and doubt I ever will
