Help im confused?

[newage]

So i have this good/ best friend and he's like my only friend for 4 yrs steady now. Anyhow i feel like i have to "come" out to him but at the same time i also almost feel it is unnecessary. There have been moments when i think he knows but is just nonchalant about it, yet he used to make a lot of gay jokes and recently i know it has come to a halt. I m not sure if its because our friendship has matured or because he knows. All this said and done he did not mind sharing a bed with me a couple months ago. I should also note that there are several hints i know i must have left..like for instance we looked up poppers today and found out it was mostly used by "gay" men. he also knew i saw brokeback mountain ..and didn't even bother to tease me about it. plus there was that one time when i open up youtube and i was automatically signed on with a gay playlist showing (he was there and said nothing). If anything he seems more like he's affirming that he is Not gay..which i knew a few years ago. And i've also made many jokes about my bisexuality..but just jokes. On another note one time when he heard this annoying kid i knew from school claimed to be bisixual he laughed as if the idea itself was ridiculous (as in disbelief). All said and done i get a feeling he'd get over it but i feel he wont and even in the best case scenario things will become awkard...especially during sleepovers. I am like ranting now, and all these thoughts ran through my head as he left my house a couple of hours ago. I also fear he'd be crushed if i told him, as if i was being fake all along...which in fact i was merely tiptoeing...as i look back i never really lied to him...just didn't tell the complete truth. That sounds stupid! what am i to do? i know he's bound to find out sooner or later but i'd hate to lose him as a friend . PLus now he has a GF, who is commanding more of his attention when college is in session!

 

[AlSun]

So, he 'knows' you are bisexual, am I right? But you 'just' haven't told him the full truth yet, or am I wrong?
All in all it sounds positive that he won't back off even if you tell him but that's just the feeling I get from what you wrote.:thinking:

 

[Squallmuzza]

Well all I'd say is.... don't feel obliged to tell him. If you feel it's right to tell him, then tell him. If you feel you don't want to or shouldn't have to, then don't. Noone can tell you when the right time is to tell someone, you need to know that yourself.

HOWEVER

I found that my relationship with my friends improved vastly when I told people. Because you get to find out who your real friends are that way. The ones that don't give a shit, care about you anyway are the keepers. You friend-base may totally shift because of it, but it would be for the better.

 

[newage]

So, he 'knows' you are bisexual, am I right? But you 'just' haven't told him the full truth yet, or am I wrong?
All in all it sounds positive that he won't back off even if you tell him but that's just the feeling I get from what you wrote.:thinking:

yea about that..im not sure..i nvr seriously admitted kinda had the idea floating

 

[XMan101]

Oddly I'm in a similar position with a guy I've not only known on a friendship level for a long time but work closely with too. He's not at all prejudiced in reality as he has a very close openly gay friend, hates any form of racism or homophobia. I told him a while ago I'm Bi but I think he's long forgotten.

I make no secret of it with certain comments but the problem comes that if I totally confirm it again will he think he's been deceived simply because I haven't spelled it out to him before? Even though I did I know he's forgotten that conversation (he was a bit stoned at the time, more so than I realised I think).

Will it change our friendship or working relationship? It wouldn't be because he's homophobic but would he feel as though I've not been totally honest. In the end you don't have to tell anybody anything, if things are good then why risk spoiling it. It sounds like you're in a similar situation with your friend.

You can only really judge the moment to do it at the time. If you're frightened of losing him at the moment then don't, after all, it's your private life and it's not being dishonest to keep certain things to yourself. I think you'll know when it's a good time to reveal more.

 

[Squallmuzza]

Well I only tend to ever come out with it if it comes up in conversation. I've never been one for taking someone aside and telling it to them heart-to-heart. Seems a bit melodramatic. But if I get asked if I have a gf, I'll say no, I prefer men or I have a bf etc. Or if we're talking about 'hot girls' I'll be like 'they all make me vom' etc.

Other than that, I'm tight lipped haha.

 

[newage]

thnks all for the input. I think i might just keep it the way it is, and like integras said ill just try not to get hung up on it.

 

[XMan101]

Wise decision Like anything in life, if it works don't try fixing it !

 

[ERICOOL85]

you dont have to tell them if you dont want to, or think its unnapropriated, in anycase, im quite sure he has an idea of you being bi at least, but since you havent 100% confirmed it, maybe he just doesnt need to feel akward since you guys havent talked about it.
Besides it is your sexuality not his, so in the end it is your sole decision.
since you know he is straight, i dont think you have a crush on him, so if you dont, i dont really see the point on telling him
but thats my opinion

 

[noone88]

I'm having this kind of situation too (well kind of) with few of my schoolmates. I think that EVERYONE outside our school knows that I'm gay but I just haven't had a good time to tell them. But I don't really stress it, I consider my sexual orientation to be a private matter so I tell them when I feel like telling them. I'm just bit afraid that they're gonna treat me differently and I'm in the same class with them for 3 more years...

 

[newage]

I'm having this kind of situation too (well kind of) with few of my schoolmates. I think that EVERYONE outside our school knows that I'm gay but I just haven't had a good time to tell them. But I don't really stress it, I consider my sexual orientation to be a private matter so I tell them when I feel like telling them. I'm just bit afraid that they're gonna treat me differently and I'm in the same class with them for 3 more years...

well if your already out outside the school, i'd say its only a matter of time b4 some one in school finds out...its a small world ("6 degrees of separation"!)

 

[whatthef__k]

Here's something Krista Vernoff once wrote and that came to my mind while reading the comments:

The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.

Still, sometimes, we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug, until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves [...]: That knowing, is better than wondering. That waking, is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake, beats the hell out of never trying.


There is so much you can lose when telling him. But my very personal opinion is that you would lose it anyway, sooner or later. Or, you will gain something instead. You'll gain his respect. You'll gain a his trust by trusting him. And, not less important, you'll earn your own respect for having the courage to tell him.

 

[noone88]

well if your already out outside the school, i'd say its only a matter of time b4 some one in school finds out...its a small world ("6 degrees of separation"!)

Yea, I still remember when one guy who I saw for the last time like 5 years ago asked me if I was really gay in messenger .

I remember when I told my best friend that I was gay. He was very supportive about it but he changed a bit. I can't really describe how, but he wasn't as open with me as before. BUT, now he's the same as he was before, I even told him I had a crush on him and he was ok with that. And our sleepovers are fun too, neither of us feel that it's odd in any way. This is just my experience of course

 

[newage]

Here's something Krista Vernoff once wrote and that came to my mind while reading the comments:

The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.

Still, sometimes, we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug, until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves [...]: That knowing, is better than wondering. That waking, is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake, beats the hell out of never trying.


There is so much you can lose when telling him. But my very personal opinion is that you would lose it anyway, sooner or later. Or, you will gain something instead. You'll gain his respect. You'll gain a his trust by trusting him. And, not less important, you'll earn your own respect for having the courage to tell him.

Omg u must be some kind of a guru...i like the way to put it. And to be honest I am probably living in a false reality...but none the less he is my confidant and he's been with me for a while and for the time being i'd like to keep it that way...its not like i'm hiding a secret boyfriend or anything...but i will tell him....only question is when. Besides i have a feeling that he must have known..im not a flamer...but i dunno i figure it out eventually.

 

[whatthef__k]

Omg u must be some kind of a guru...

Yeah, kind of

but i will tell him....only question is when. Besides i have a feeling that he must have known..

In my eyes that is a problem. Indirect communication. One says something without saying it. I have experienced that when people communicate in an indirect way with me, I have the feeling that I'm pretty sure I know what he means although he never really said it. Surprisingly, when I asked him whether I understood what he wanted to say in the correct way, I often was surprised how different my interpretation was from what he wanted to say. And usually, I'm good at interpreting...

So, just use direct communication from time to time :-*

 

[newage]

Yeah, kind of



In my eyes that is a problem. Indirect communication. One says something without saying it. I have experienced that when people communicate in an indirect way with me, I have the feeling that I'm pretty sure I know what he means although he never really said it. Surprisingly, when I asked him whether I understood what he wanted to say in the correct way, I often was surprised how different my interpretation was from what he wanted to say. And usually, I'm good at interpreting...

So, just use direct communication from time to time :-*

yea i know what your saying....in due time i will be str8 about every thing.

 

[whatthef__k]

Awesome

How could all of you survive without my life-saving tipps until now?!
I don't get it... ) ) )

 

[XMan101]

Amazing how people listen if you're cute & naked

 

[newage]

Amazing how people listen if you're cute & naked

:? surely ur not talkinga bout me?

 

[XMan101]

:? surely ur not talkinga bout me?

Are you a student psychologist covering your bits with a christmas box?

...actually that thought is nice ..