How do I Accept Myself for Being Gay

[Jspfmh]

I am struggling very hard to accept that I am gay. It causes me to hate myself for being oriented this way. I am embarrassed and know that I will be judged by everyone and thought of as less than.

I struggle with the constant need for acceptance and do all I can to fly under the radar by trying to be like the general population. When I was growing up I
had to worry about what situation or comment or possible violence would happen to me daily as I was severely bullied daily when I was in public school. I will do just about anything to be liked now. I remember dreading getting to my stop on the school bus because almost the whole bus would whistle and cat call out to me while I was getting off. I would keep it all together until the bus would be out of site before fall apart and then cry, hate myself even more and want to kill myself every day after school. Well enough about poor me...I should have just worked harder at changing whatever it was about me that caused them to need to do that to me.

I got married at a young age and had children with my then wife. I of course eventually self destructed and used various substances to mentally escape. I always worried and still do, what everyone is thinking about me. If they like me they wont want to hurt me. Well finally everything completely fell apart and I am now divorced from my best friend who now has so much anger toward me because she is one of the few people who know I am gay. I feel so guilty and shameful about this. I really hurt her and she now doesn't believe I ever really loved her, which I did and still do. I think about her many times throughout the day. I eventually ended up in the hospital for almost four months because I tried to kill myself with the six months of medication that I had been saving up so that I could just finally get away forever. I reasoned with myself that I would rather be dead than gay. However I am completely accepting and find no issue with anyone else being gay. I just cant seem to feel comfortable with for myself.

Truly though the most comfortable I have felt about myself as a person and wasn't constantly worried what others were thinking is when I have had a casual brief moments of time relationships with other gay men. I feel like a fit in and that I accepted with no issue at all. It isn't even an issue it seems. I now have a gay friend that I hang out with a few times a month. So that is my first step I guess.

Anyway, I so badly want to just be brave and get over it. I want to accept this and myself exactly as I am and like myself. I don't know how to do this though. I'm scared that I will now be alone for the rest of my life.

 

[dargelos]

Sorry I cant give a proper reply now as it's three am and Im not really awake, but in the meantime;
You want so badly to just be brave, yes, and that's exactly what youve just been.
Takes courage to be as honest as that, esp when its your first post. nobody here is going to judge you. all we can do here is talk but this is a place where you can speak without fear. Some of the regulars here are very good at giving advice and support, I think you'll see that soon enough.
Please stick around and write some more, there's nothing to lose and who-knows-what to gain.

 

[dargelos]

Back again. It would be a big help to you if you could smooth things over with your ex wife. That's an area where I have zero knowledge, I never had a girlfriend, I have no idea how the feminine mind works. There's a gay couple near us where one of them was previously married to a woman, she is a regular visitor and they seem to be still good friends. How they managed to do that I don't know but it does show that it is sometimes possible.

The need to feel accepted was something that was a problem for my boyfriend, he was never worried about being gay but he worried terribly about everything else, what are people saying? what do people really think? My abrasive family life made me grow up self sufficient so we were a pair of opposites. Over time he learned some of my cynicism, today we are much happier because...

Suppose you could learn to not give a fuck either, would that make your life easier? (clue, yes)
You said you wanted to like yourself but don't know how to do that. I don't think there's a button you can press that makes you like yourself, and if there was, should you keep pressing it? There are some well known names who like themselves too much and think that gives them the right to behave like arseholes. I feel that it is not a thing that you need to set as a target, more that it is something that arrives by itself as soon as you stop worrying about not having it.

 

[trencherman]

I have been keeping an eye on this thread because I also want to find out how the others came to accept their inborn condition. As for me, it did not come as a sudden perception and neither was it a militant and conscious effort on my part. It seems that it just slowly and gradually moved into my consciousness as part of growth and maturity until it completely took over and turned me into the person I am today, proud of what I am and what I have made of my life.

 

[Shelter]

I would have thought that more guys here would answer in this thread - in my opinion a very serious theme.

So here my contribution.
JSPFMH, you are writing that you are struggling very hard to accept that you are gay.
Well look - there are people which are black others white or brown and there are people which are catholics or protestants or muslims or whatever and there are people which are gay. So why you are struggling? Against what are you struggling? You cannot struggle against the colour of your skin or your sexual orientation. You have to assume it. And the most horrible thing you can do, will be to hate yourself because of your gayness.
And to fight against this orientation by a marriage and to think that will "heal" yourself - sorry but that is nonsense. It is a cheat toward the woman and most of all toward yourself. And why "heal"? Do you are ill? Or do you feel ill? Will there be a pill against gayness? Everything NO!

I know there will be places all over the world where gay people are not liked. Well we have to arrange us with it - not always easy - but life is a perpetual fight up to acceptation for every minority group around this world.

Come out of your closet - be proud of yourself. Try to handle something in your life. And if there will be nothing you can do alone - surely there are help-organizations in your neighbourhood which would be happy for your support.

For instance in my city we have a club for gay-teens where they can come if they need help. Help to come out to their parents, or help if they are living on the streets or if they need medical help. Here for instance I'm voluntary working. Surely not every day - but from time to time when they will need my help. So try that too for yourself and you will see your personal life will take a good turn. And than look into your mirror and you will look into a proud face. And that will be also the moment you will love yourself again.

 

[blizzard]

Dear Jspfmh,

Wow. That's quite a posting. First, thank you for sharing your story with all of us. You are far from alone. It sounds like you've been through a lot, but the good news is that you have moved forward and have taken very real steps towards the life you were meant to live.

My first thought is that you really should make sure you're seeing a professional therapist. And I would also add that you should make sure that the therapist is a gay man or woman. Therapy is a very useful way of helping yourself address problems and issues. It's a sign of strength when someone chooses to get help, not weakness.

At the end of the day, your life is yours to live. You owe yourself happiness. There is nothing wrong with being gay. More and more people have come to realize that it's a very natural part of the spectrum in humans as well as other animals. There's nothing remotely wrong with you for being gay; the problem is with those who see it as something wrong. Love is love. If you love your own sex than the other, then tell me what's wrong with that?

When I was coming out 300 years ago (hahaha), I did a ton of reading. But then again, I'm a reader. I read book after book, memoirs, histories, psychology books, social justice books, and for me it really helped. Many people have traveled the road you are on and won on their terms. You will too.

The other thing I strongly encourage you to do is to get out there and meet gay people as friends. Volunteer for some local group that is of interest to you, whether it's a gay community group, or a gay music group, or a gay sports group, or a gay anything group. If you don't live near any of this, what about maybe placing an ad on Craigslist and starting something? Or volunteering for a group that helps gay seniors, or mentors gay youth, or what have you? There are many things you can be doing that will make yourself useful to others. And in the process of doing so, you will meet other good people and make friends, which is what you need now more than anything.

Hang in there, be true to yourself, and live life on your terms, not the terms of others. Follow those maxims and you will do just great.

Let us know how things are going!!

 

[lhardwick69]

I knew from a young age I was different and as I got older I realized what made me different what I was gay--I never put forth much thought about it--some guys in school often asked me about being gay others teased me as most teens do and few even used it to have some fun if kept it a secret--

but how does one accept themselves for being gay--its just something have to decide within yourself--and its hard to do with society persecuting gays every day which makes it hard to come out but the thing is this---we as a gay culture have decided to come out and expect the entire world to accept us but with me I came out to friends family and other than that I dont go around waving a flag saying I am queer and I take it in the rear--


for most part youre problem lies within your mind what will others think what will others do--what will others say--but truth be told the only person that needs to be happy and satisfied about being gay is yourself--once you accept it and dont care what others think then you will accept it


I dated a guy was married got divorced had two boys and I was his first guy on guy sex he had for 14 years---and was glad he decided to no longer lie to himself about his sexuality--and that's what you need to do--you lied so long that its become hard for you to accept--so you accept it that like dick and a mans ass a mans touch then your problems will disappear

 

[maxpower5656]

Many have inner turnmoil myself included, I'm still trying to work it out

 

[topdog]

...Truly though the most comfortable I have felt about myself as a person and wasn't constantly worried what others were thinking is when I have had a casual brief moments of time relationships with other gay men. I feel like a fit in and that I accepted with no issue at all...

This is your true core. This is what your life can and will be. Expand this and spend more time as this person. This is the person that was bashed back and told not to exist. This is the person that you have spent so much effort pretending not to be. When you try to lock away your essential self in the basement, there is little remaining for the rest of your life.

You know this now. You tried being what everyone else wanted and ran out of emotional and spiritual gas.

If you had a gay child, what would you encourage them to do? What advice would you give them? Give that same advice and permission to yourself.

Will other people be upset? Yes. Will people call you names and mock you? Yes, probably. But, they kind of do that now. So why not at least get the benefits of being out, if you are already suffering the disadvantages?

The bottom line is that you need to be whole, and you need people who support who you are. You need a "posse" who accept you and will be there for you. That is mission #1. Start to find those people. Find an LGBT community center or hot line and see if there is something going on that will honor who you are right now.

Wishing you much love and friendship - TC

 

[RazzmaTazz]

Coming to Terms

I've also had friends that have had a hard time coming to terms with being gay, mostly because of how they think that their parents will react to them coming out.

I was never one that had to "come to terms". I was just gay, knew it, and that was how I grew up. I didn't try to hide it. But when I was out in public, or at school, I wasn't trying to advertise that I was gay by wearing a lot of rainbow colored clothes or decorating my locker with pictures of half naked men.

I think of coming to terms with the fact that you are gay is just like coming to terms with the fact that you're a redhead, or you're shorter than most, or a little heavy due to genetics. I came to terms myself with being about two inches shorter than average height for someone my age all while growing up. This made most of my friends a little taller than I was. Sometimes, even though we were the same age, it made me feel like the little kid trying to join the bigger kids because it also made me look a long younger than I was. I'm 24 now, and will still occasionally get asked what High School I go too. For a while it kinda put me off, but now I look at it as an advantage. Well, honestly, I've always taken my looking younger to an advantage. But I've come to accept that I don't look my age.

It sucks that over the course of thousands of years being gay has such a stigma to it that people can't live the life they want to and fee comfortable with. The ultimate thing you have to do, in order to come to terms with being gay yourself, is to be able to be strong enough to put those stigmas aside and live the life that YOU want to, and not the one that other people want you to.

I hope all that makes a bit of sense.

 

[Forgetmenot]

This is my story

Being gay is hard for me

That is the post from my blog. I want to share with you guys.

It might help, or maybe not.

I hope you find and have someone who you can share your happy, crazy, dirty, stupid story with.

I'm lucky enough to have friends who I can talk to.

 

[hhindd]

Hi firstly there is a recognised syndrome called internalized-homophobia, which is a completely normal reaction for gay men to experience from the social stigma that is still common place.
It would not be a problem if people didn't compare themselves with each other . Recognition that we are all unique and beautiful in our own way and cannot be measured against each other as if we are standardised entities but with some lacking more than others is more truthful.
You are part of nature and are meant to be here, just as you are, as much as any mountain or even as the Sun. Don't fasten yourself towards anyones limited perspective. You are part of the creative energy that came from the BIG Bang!
Secondly you have to challenge your internal thoughts, that inner voice that you may believe is protecting you, warning you, or more likely scaring you, is in fact undermining you hence, "internalized-homophobia".