How many of you lost a parent ?

[Jamie]

I was thinking on starting this thread...after a while I`ve changed my mind and here I am again, trying to open a ...difficult subject. Why I wanna do this: well, even though I told myself a million times I`m gonna pass this, I`ll never gonna look back in the past, I just can`t...it`s eating me inside...it`s killing me and I said: going through all this with people is better than going through it alone.

My parents got divorced when I was 3 and a half...with fights and suicidal attempts.... i stayed with my mom...my dad left to another city and in 20 years we barely met 5 times i think...
5 years ago my mom died. She had lung cancer in final stage. (never a smoker, never a drinker and it was so weird for me)...after a lot of chemo and sickness she died in front of me...in my arms...and I..just can`t manage to get over that image of her dying in front of me not even now, after 5 years....:|
I was 22 when she died. I tried getting in touch with my dad but you know how it is...after 20 years all he felt for me was...coldness or something...So I said...whatever...no mom means no parents...my dad is like..dunno, a guy who lives in the same house with you...that`s all...
Well, anyways, if you have stories to share, you can do it and I`m sure someone will come up with a good word
If this topic is not new I appologies.

 

[hammervice]

sad 4 yeah , my step dad ( i never meet my real dad aka spem dad as i always called him) died of a heart attack , my sister as pass on as well

i feel for u it really hard and it change things even when u try to not let it


thi is to hard to talk about

 

[slimjim]

Hey Jamie.......difficult subject is an understatement. I don't know what to say - quite literally...Ive opened and closed this thread 4 or 5 times already but feel I cannot close it again without some response. Both my parents are gone - but in different cirstances to you. I was not living near my home town when my mother died. I had the opportunity of seeing her in the chapel of rest before the funeral but decided not to, I think mainly because I did not want that image in my memory. I have wondered long and hard since whether I should have chosen otherwise. I still don't know - and never will of course. By the sound of it cirstances removed any such choice from you. How do people deal with such things - in their own way, everyone is different. I can't presume to tell you what you should or shouldn't do - I can only sympathise/empathise with your situation in as far as my own mirrors yours. Everyone has to deal with it as best they can, I won't patronise you with the "time is a healer" and other platitudes & psycho-babble but if its "eating you inside" then I feel for you and hope that you can work through this and attain some release.

 

[ritsuka]

When I first saw this thread I thought it might be more along the lines of 'losing' a parent to homophobia...which is more along the lines of my story. My parents, too, were just two old people I happened to live with; they were neglectful, and more interested in drugs and alcohol, television than in having an interest, protecting, encouraging, or seeing to my basic needs though they found the time to be cruel, critical, and abusive. They were also homophobic and generally in denial about who I was and unwilling to change, so I cut off the relationship completely two and a half years ago. They could be dead by now; I really don't care, though it might be a relief if they were, as then I wouldn't have to fear any future confrontations. I guess I never really had my parents, as my father was so incredibly distant, and my older sister stood in for my mother, then left for college when I was 8, leaving me abandoned, in more ways as the time went on.

Jamie, If your father has nothing for you, then it is probably the right thing to not go to him anymore - though I understand it is hard, and a great loss.

 

[snapcat]

Hi Jamie!

No, you're not alone. And I'm glad you are reaching out. I think we all find a shared strength in these conversations. And it can be easier to do on the internet.

I lost my dad to a heart attack when I was 13. He actually fell down on the floor while I was talking to my mom on the phone. It was tough; I knew that if I cried I would have lost my mom, too. So, I held it all in. I don't recommend that.

My mom is now 90 and living with my partner and I. I know there will be a tough day ahead for me when I lose her, but I pray that I have that strength.

So, keep reaching out, and hang in there!

 

[Thor]

I'm very sorry to hear of you loss jamie....and i wish anyone can help, but i think we all have to deal with the loss of a loved one in are own way, both my parents are still alive and well...but i lost my Grandma 2yr ago, and it was not easy, i went to see her in the hospital the day before she passed, and i had to leave the room. I just didn't want to remember her lying in that bed like that....But now I remember her as she made me happy I think of the good times!!!

 

[XMan101]

Such sad accounts. I'm everyday grateful to have had such loving & kind parents, who are still alive. I have no idea how I'll react when one of them becomes very ill or dies. Nobody knows how they'll react, it affects people in many different ways.

One thing that can happen is you push people away, it's a natural thing to do, but never do that if you stop & think, you need friends at these times, and they care for you. A good friend will always be there to lean on and they don't mind.

Getting over a loss takes whatever time it takes, don't rush it, work it through, never forget the good times, but also I feel never deny your feelings to yourself. Talking is always the BEST therapy. Bottling things up will eventually make a person explode.

I'm glad I'm a good talker, I'm glad I don't run away from my emotions, and I always have great empathy with others, and will always seek to try & understand.

Jamie, you've made a good step by posting this. Not only will it help others, it will help you! I'm quite sure that any one of us will give you any support we can if you need it, so please don't be shy about it.

 

[sweetuttsada]

Wow...U have great frens here Jamie...hehe
I wish i can hug u my fren...

 

[bountyboy10]

My parents divorced before I was born, so never had a dad at home. I've seen him about 5 times in my life and specially during my puberty I hated him for not being there.
He died when I just turned 18; I didn't felt nothing and didn't went to the funeral.
My mom was both mom and dad. She didn't show us much affection but she loved her kids in her own way.
At 20 I had my coming out and 'lost' my mom through homophobia. Her cruel denial and abuse left me mentally and physically stressed for years. Specially when at times I'd tried to restore the relationship with her. As she's still an 'angry' woman, I just recently stop trying to see her completely and I feel it's good to have disconnect!
I'm not angry any more with my dad, as I don't know his side of the 'story'. I'm not angry too much with my mum. I feel as being an orphant who lives his life with a few good friends...my own created family!
At times Im sad about this all, but I guess that's how my life was supposed to be.
I just keep good faith and create my own path of life!
I think Jamie, you've done the same.

 

[XMan101]

I don't think people realise how much any family problem, and lack of love, can affect someone possibly all through their life.

It's true what they say, you can't pick your family, but you can your friends. Friends to me have always been closer than most of my family (hardly ever hear from my brother), they become my family!

 

[Jamie]

Oh, this is indeed a difficult subject. Not only for me but for most of the "members" here
Me and my mom were...almost friends. I say almost because I never talked to her about sexual related stuff and all but we talked about almost everything. I used to help her with cleaning, cooking (by the way, i cook some tasty meals...someone wanna try? ) shoping, etc. When she got sick, I was the one who went with her to the doctor, i was the one who was there when they told her they have to cut an entire lung...i was the one who had to calm her down....I was the one who saw her face before entering the surgery... I was the one who took her to and back from the chemo sessions watching her feeling sick from the poison...:| I was the one who took her home from the hospital when she had to do some more chemo for the bone mets and saw her look on her face that day when she told me:"Hi, you`ve come to take me home?" (that day I guess the doctors told her : go home and sta with your family for the holidays....) I was the one who took her to the hospital on Xmas Eve and saw her sad eyes when I told her everything will be OK and she just looked at me almost like saying:" tonight is the night"...and finally, I was the one who watched her die...in front of me...If anyone has a mom who`s ill, i`m giving you an advice: do not stay there... even if it is hard, don`t stay with her when sh`s dying... the image will haunt you for the rest of your life and will eat you inside.So, ...anyways, my mom is gone, at 43 yo... my sis left after 6 months with her boyfriend/actual husband... i was left with m step dad (and trust me, it was a God`s power from me to call him step dad cause all i use when i`m talking about him are words that i cannot say here) who made my life a living hell afterwards... he found a new woman after just a few months...and kept telling me he cannot live alone, he needs a woman near him...blah...whatever...in that period I found out that he asked my mom to sleep with him after 2 or 3 weeks after the sugery... and my mom did it because she didnt want him to go to prostitutes or whatever...cause that`s what he old her: you don`t want me to go to another woman do you? I HATE HIM so much!
Nah, enough about it...i`m so tired of everything and of all the people that keep telling me: you will be OK, think of the good things, the happy memories...what memories??? How can u give that advice when you have your parents living and well and you never went through something simmilar? When you love your mom and you`re young and u watch her die in front of you, you will never be the same and nothing will ever be the same in your mind or in your soul...

Thank you all for sharing your stories. And thank you for the nice words. And don`t stop keep on telling us your sad stories...we can learn one from eachother...

 

[XMan101]

Wow, Jamie. You are amazing. That is so emotionally written, I almost felt the tears reading it.

I totally understand you, even if I've never experienced what you have. I can never totally appreciate how you feel, that's impossible.

I hate all the platitudes too that people come out with at bad times. Don't blame them though, most don't know what to do.

A friend where I work, his Mum died. Ok it was expected, he's not young nor was she, but what surprised me was the reaction by someone who was a friend. She couldn't talk to him and didn't know what to say, so effectively avoided him!

Not everyone is strong, not everyone can handle other people's problems.

The only think to do is enjoy today, enjoy the company of good friends

 

[sweetuttsada]

I can sense there is alot of anger and sadness deep inside of you..

Jamie,
We're are meant to lose the people love, How else are we supposed to know how important they are to us?

Your mother loves you , and you've done the right thing for her.
No cancer patient should fight alone..

I understand that u r terrified and sad, when she died in your arms, and it is difficult to let go...
But i think to be haunted by that memory even after 5 years are 'medically' harmful for u.
I suggest u see a psychiatrist... they had me helped to overcome my sadness ...

 

[Thor]

I guess the thing is this: WHAT WOULD YOUR MOM TELL YOU TO DO JAMIE?

 

[Jamie]

I am! Sad and angry! Sad and angry on this F**ed up life, on the society and on some people... just some ...What would my mom say... hmmm..she would say: c`mon! be a man! what`s up with you? are you a chicken? lol.. Well, not exactly like that but something similar. The problem is.. when she was sick, I got sick too.. I had tuberculosis ... the passive one.. just the liquid, no holes in my lungs LOL! i`ve been in the hospital for 2 weeks, went through 3 punctions (dunno if that`s the word...it`s when they stick a needle between your ribs and take off the liquid... and they do that "live" without anesthetic... ) Anyways, my mom died, after 5 months my grandpa died (my mom`s dad) and after 1 year my other grandpa died too... And it`s difficult going through all these deaths of the people close to you and not get affected...
I was thinking... this forum could be like a shrink session lol. cause that`s what you do at the shrink, right? u talk about your probs and he gives you advice and tells you what`s wrong with you...
I know life is difficult, trust me. I had periods after my mom death when I had nothing to eat and I used to eat bread with margarine or bread with boiled onions ...or just bread... i remember one time I found this stray dog...a female actually, she was pregnant... she was cold and hungry... i took her home, washed her, and with my last money I brought her some food and I ate tomatoes with oil for a few good days... but this is not eating me inside... the difficulties of life, like lack of money, lack of food or whatever doesn`t get me. What kills me the most is loneliness... I prefer starving in 2 than starving alone...Even though nowadays I`m living with my sis and bro in law.. i still feel lonely...cause they`re a family, i`m like the fifth wheel here... and even if i`m not the 5th wheel , it`s not like we talk about things... about feelings... about heart pains...and I prefer being like this than to feel irony in their words and all...So...my mom`s death, the lack of a father , lack of friends, a barbarian step father which almost sexual abused me when I was 14 ...(almost!) but he DID abuse me physically enough... what more can I want? Ever felt so much hate for a person that once in a while ure with that person near a window or in the balcony at the 2d floor and think: what if I just push him? I will stop all these physical and mental abuses... on me and my mom and my sis...weird ideas huh?

Ok, enough talking. Please do not stop telling your stories. I`ve read all of them and pfeww, sad ones ... but I can sense that most of you feel fine now... totally cured of sadness and anger and all... or..almost cured

 

[XMan101]

Jamie, never stop letting it out.

Nobody knows what others feel inside, but anybody who bothers to respond in this thread obviously cares enough to listen.

We might not be able to help in real terms, but it's always good to have a good listener

 

[Jamie]

Thank you xman101 and thank you all! i already feel better... well, it`s kinda like this...i talk, someone listens, he/she talks back, i feel better until something happens , something that reminds me of the sad things in the past and i fall in sadness again....:| I know what I need... i need to get married, make a baby or something and become the family type.. who doesnt know other but work-home, work-home, and ...that`s pretty much it.
P.S. right, xman101! Will you show me Big Ben?

 

[XMan101]

Any time you're over here Jamie, I'll be glad to show you Big Ben

I'm quite serious actually. I know I flirt & joke around a bit but it's a serious offer.

 

[Thor]

keep talkin jamie, we are listening and wish you all the best

 

[Lamicheval]

Hello, Jamie, hello all,

on the one hand it is good to know, that here is a place to talk about the sorrows too. And in first, that here are men, who are able to listen and try to help, not only to have always fun. :thumbs up: And on the other hand it is courageous and strong to talk over these themes in such a place, and I admire you for it, Jamie. Perhaps it helps you a bit to know your strength. :-*