I Had A Dream

[W!nston]

I have lucid dreams occasionally. I can usually brush them off.

Today I woke up very early. Too early in fact. A sense of impending trouble loomed over me. I went to the bathroom, had a drink of water, grabbed a comforter, went to the living room, crawled into the recliner, laid back, covered up and tried to go back to sleep. I didn't go back to the bedroom because I would have stirred the dogs which in turn would have stirred my partner who was sleeping soundly after a very hard and long day of work yesterday.

One of our cats, the oldest one named Checkers who is 14, levitated and softly landed on my shoulder where she nuzzled in to sleep beside my head. Her soft purring was just what I needed. At some point I must have dozed off.

I'm aware of myself walking through the Great Room in our old family home (after my mother 'moved-on' our family business began to feel the effects of the recession and we lost our home of 45 years to foreclosure. It has been a rough few years of late).

It's the start of the day and everything is as it should be. I open the door and step onto the side porch where we always took coffee in the mornings when the weather was warm. The sun was only just beginning to rise over the trees. I saw my mother sitting in a rocker smoking a long white cigarette, a Parliament, which seemed odd. She quit smoking in the early 70s. But it also seemed natural. I could hear her muttering but it sounded like gibberish. I walked closer and still couldn't understand her. Something wasn't right. I became aware that this was a dream.

I could feel tears welling up. I leaned in close to her and said "I wish I could be with you mama. I wish we could be together. Why don't we sell this place and you can move in with us..." but she interrupted me in mid sentence. She looked me in the eye and said "It's this old house...".

The sound of her voice was real as I heard it one million times before. I didn't mean to do it but I woke up. I don't know if it was fear or the pain of realizing she wasn't in this world anymore. I awoke with tears streaming down my cheeks. Checkers was about 4 inches from my face staring intensely at my eyes. She sat motionless and I did the same. A few minutes later I tried to go back to that dream but failed.

I miss her so much. More than anything I wish I could have a few minutes with her just once more.

This isn't the first time I have had dream visits with her and I hope it isn't the last.

What set this dream apart were the enigmatic words "It's this old house". I miss that old house, too.

I need another kleenex...

ABBA : I Have A Dream (HQ)

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[jw4833]

I'm really glad that you brought this topic up because I have dreams on a consistent level about two individuals that I did not have the greatest relationship with. One in particular is my late mother. As anyone who have read my previous posts are aware that I do not have a good relationship with my immediate family members due to my sexuality. Although, as I've also mentioned in previous posts, I have a good relationship with my youngest sister, however, everytime we speak, she brings up something in regard to my mother even though she is very much aware of our relationship. There are times that when she brings her up...I have nothing positive or pleasant to say and therefore, I stay silent and let her speak although there are many times that I do get uncomfortable and never understood why she never share her thoughts with other siblings that have had a good relationship with her.

So, I bring this up to say that after our conversation, I usually have this dream where I am crying hysterically and pouring my heart out to my mom and asking her how could she abandoned me and treat me so horribly all these years?? The conclusion of this dream is always cut off at the point where it depicts the day before my mom passed away. You see, my mom had called me which surprised me because she rarely contacted me over the years unless she wanted a favor or me to take care of something for her. I did not pick up the phone and let it go into my voicemail which she did not leave a message. The reason I did not pick up that call is because my sister had been telling me constantly that her and my sibling had been giving her a lot of grief for keeping contact with me and I had assumed that this call was going to something of a negative nature and I did not want to hear it. The next day she died and therefore, this is how the dream ends with this phone call and not knowing the reason she called me. This is something my sister questions me about periodically as to do I ever wished I had picked up the phone to find out what she wanted? or do I regret not doing so? Honestly, I do not regret it but from time to time I do wonder what she wanted to say to me after all that time.

And the last dream that I have at least twice a month that I find to be troubling is about the guy who raped me. The dream always have this guy coming back to town and goes on a mission to locate me since I do not live in that old neighborhood anymore. This guy finally bumps into me by accident at a restaurant and follows me to the men's room where I discovered who he is because I do not recognize or notice him in the dining room of the restaurant. He confronts me to ask forgiveness and explains to me that his life has been difficult over the years because he has been harboring this over the years and afraid to confront what he had done to me.

Now, the times where this dream comes in my sleep is when I hear a song that he played a lot during the time of our friendship or I am watching TV and a character goes by his name. These occurrences triggers these dreams unfortunately and although I have a degree in Psychology (Applied Behavior Analysis), I do have a mentor who also has a PhD that I have discussed this with. He told me that due to the fact he and I had a pretty good relationship prior to the incident and because the way things had ended between us as well as all the traumatic events that I've endured afterwards, to him, he believes this has to do with not receiving any closure on the situation in order to close this chapter from my life completely. He believes that this why from time to time I will have these dreams. However, what I will say is that over the years, I do not let it bother me the way it used to and I do move on with my life and not allow these dreams to prevent me from striving to be the best individual I can be and enjoying my life as much as I possibly can. (Sorry...for being so long winded...but I wanted who ever would take the time to read this understand what I am trying to say...)

 

[reasek1]

I guess in a way the more time that passes after a loved one's death, the easier it should get... but on another level sometimes it makes it harder. It's like there was this whole world back then that no longer exists. Years, decades even can slip by yet the memories of places and people from the past can flood back and the emotions are all so real.

For me looking back through old photo albums the odd time can help. It's a way of letting all the memories come back and have free reign for a while. Sometimes we need to remember. Maybe your dream was just that -a deep need to simply remember and experience again.

The upcoming generations are lucky in that there is so much photography now-a-days (every phone has a camera) that they will potentially have a whole library of old snaps to cherish later.

 

[Ioanna]

Well Sniffit I can empathize very well in your dream and I understand that you really miss your mam.
I'm not a psychologist but I think if you had to explain your dream by a Mr. Freud he immediately some sort "desire for rebirth" would explain, given the encounter with your mother and the term "old house". (the womb?)
Dont ask me for further explanation, Freud was one of the difficult to understand philosophers who everything connected with the sex happen,according to him the principal of any living being.
An advice, try NEVER to go back in your dream as you describe because it does not work you can best focus on reality.
What I like about your story is that I see everything for me, your mother smoking a cigarette, etc ... well you told it here even though I did not understand everything I could empathize well.
A pat on the head of Chekers .... mine called Mary.