I need some advice!

[kurt]

Hey, so I'm 22 and still closeted.
My family hate gays so I dunno how I'll ever some out.
Anyway, the thing is, this guys contacted me, got my phone no. and name from a form that I've filled in when I went to this karaoke (the place is totally legal. No drug, no sluts. u know wat i mean )

And he asked if I want to hook up.
I'm still a virgin and still closeted. So the dilemma is...should I?
I mean, on one hand, I'm terrified of being outed by him.
On the other, masturbating to porn isn't my lifelong goal.

And there's the 'moral' part where random sex is bad (I'm Asian)

What do u guys think?

PS: Was quite shocked to find that he knew I was gay from just meeting me once. And here I was thinking to myself what a good job I'm doing, hiding my sexuality. :duh:

 

[bigsal]

More than advice, a recommendation.

Do not waste good opportunities.

Casual sex is not bad, just take precautions.

Good luck. :cheers:

 

[BigBenni]

Why not hook up with this guy?

Well I think everybody needs to make experiences and if you feel good and you like him too, don't waste this chance to find out more about you and your body.

It's defintely NO disadvantage

 

[jw4833]

Many times, gay guys can tell when another guy is gay or have gay similarities. However, by you being closeted and going through a dilemma, there will come a time when you will want to play on those urges, because frankly, your attraction to be with a guy will never go away. Therefore, if you feel some kind of sexual attraction for this guy and you feel a good connection with him, then maybe you should go for it with precaution of course.

 

[RefixnarcisM]

Get to know first, dont let your prehistoric lust control you. Being a relationship with someone is not always about sex. Some talks, walk together, having fun with sport activities or so is also important. Just remember this, every action have its own responsibility. If you ready to have a relationship with him and ready for the consequences like your parents found out, then go for it.
Oh btw here is another point, if you think that you still cant live without your parents help, either its about money, living on the same roof or something else then I suggest dont do it. Think carefully and make a wise decision.

 

[logan222]

I'm actually in a similar situation. I'm also 22 and still closeted, but I have fooled around with a few guys that I felt a connection with. I totally get what you're feeling though. I used to be super mega paranoid that my family would eventually find out that I messed around with a guy one way or another. After about four years of having an encounter with a guy, no one has ever found out. It's mostly because the guys that I've messed around with were people that I got to know and I trusted in them. I didn't just go with some stranger. So, if you really are interested in this guy, maybe you should get to know him (since your fear is of him outing you one way or another) and if he seems to be trustworthy, then go for it. BUT BE SAFE! I met a guy in DC that got HIV from his first sexual encounter because he wasn't informed about the dangers.

Also, all of my encounters (messing around, not actual penetration) have been when I was away for college or during a summer internship in DC. I find that being away from your family makes it feel safer if you're still not ready to tell them. I am sort of opening up my parents and sisters to be more accepting of others, making them more liberal and open-minded. Pretty soon, I'll be ready to tell them.

 

[topdog]

You are asking a question about having sex, but the real issue here seems to be the collision between two things:

• Your natural desire for sex and relationship
• Your fear of losing the love and respect of your parents and family

While in the past these two things were in conflict "in theory", you are now at a point where the frustration is very real, and the potential for future happiness isn't very promising.

You are obviously an intelligent guy, so you can probably already see where this is going. As for myself, I can only see three roads ahead of you:

1. You can avoid the risk to your family relationships by avoiding all possibilities of same-sex relationship. You can take on the role your family has proscribed, and convince them that you are really heterosexual and devote yourself to being as good a husband as you can manage.
   .
2. You can tell your family that you are in fact, homosexual; face their disappointment; take comfort in the fact that you are being as truthful as you can be, which is the high standard of character that your parents taught you; and work toward the goal of having a long-term same sex partner and establishing your own family, as you decide to define it.
   .
3. Try to pursue sex and relationship, and at the same time work as hard as you can to cover your tracks so your family doesn't find out that you are both a homosexual and a liar.

I can definitely tell you that plan #3 will fail eventually - how long you get away with it depends on how good you are at hiding your real feelings.

There are negative consequences with both #1 and #2. If you decide to live as a heterosexual for your family's sake, the pain will be gradual - but last either for the rest of your life, or until the point you break down and can't take it anymore.

If you decide to come out, the pain will be immediate and intense, but over time, parents who love you find a way to cope - whether they decide to embrace the homosexuality or not. The parental bond is very strong and most find a way to keep a loving relationship with you. It may take months or years, but family relationships have a way of adapting, and coming back into balance. Although if your parents are as opposed as you feel they are, there is no question that this will alter your current familiar cirstances.

I wrote about this before a month ago. And I will give you the same advice.

You may have very good reasons for not coming out right now - that's OK. But every path to a healthy happy future starts with telling the truth. If you can't do that right now, then start to think about what has to change to get you to the place where you are able to be honest with your family. Come up with the steps you need to take to get you to that point.

Right now your life has hit a road block: You are afraid that you are not able to endure the consequences that will come with telling your family that they are wrong in assuming that you are straight.

But that's an obstruction that you have to find a way through eventually. The rest of your life is on the other side of it. Now is the time to make plans on how you are going to get there.

(When it is time for you to come out, I have tips on how to do that here.)

 

[etilit]

no hurry babe..take your time in all things lol

 

[lhardwick69]

whenever i decided to come out of the closet my parents were like duh--they always knew and the thing was there were times when i had friends over night and when we thought we were being quiet when doing it we werent being as quiet as we thought -- so i at times wonder what times they heard me and my friend or friends doing it not to mention the night when three friends stayed--

anyhow you cant go through life letting family or friends dictate who you are--if out on your own then by all means tell them if they dont approve its their loss --i lost alot of friends when i came out a couple of them i was regularly sucking and getting fucked by alot-- they thought it was ok they did it as long as no one knew--but when i came out they thought that everyone would think they were fucking me


you only live one life dont let others ruin it for you

 

[kurt]

Thanks for all your advices! Really put my situation into perspectives.

I'm well aware that there are two sides to this situation so I'm not surprised by your replies

bigsal, bigbenni and jw4833, thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one who thinks casual sex is not that bad. And you can bet precautions will be taken when I actually do it! xD

logan222, lhardwick69, thank you so much for sharing your stories. You guys are so lucky! *envious* Haha. But no worries, I'll get there one day too

And many thanks to topdog for always being able to analyse the situation and giving me rational option to choose from. Sometimes I think you hold a legal counselor license

I guess it's the battle between my "prehistoric lust" (love that term, thnx RefixnarcisM!) and my rational self. And RefixnarcisM, what you said about me being dependent on my family is so spot on! That's the main reason I'm not coming out at the moment. I'm thinking I should get financial independence (which is 3 more years!:worried before breaking the news to my parents. Selfish but rational

I think I'm gonna play it safe and maybe not hook up with him yet, it doesn't feel right and it's too risky Like what you guys said, I need to get to know him first. Call me naive but I'm still hoping that my first time will be with someone I have feelings for. Haha. (I'm such a geek)

Anyways, thanks everybody! You guys are the coolest. :thumbs up:
Love gayheaven!:heart:

 

[Urban]

you only live one life dont let others ruin it for you

Absolutely correct, but you have to do what you think is best for yourself. The vast majority of us here & gays in general have worked through the "morality" issue, and you will to, but you have to do it yourself.

The same applies to your family. You are obviously close to them, but you'll find that very, very few gay men are going to deliberately out you to them. And we as a group are also acutely aware of what to do/say & what NOT to do/say when we see you with other people.

You also should not feel at all shy about actually talking to this guy about your situation & let him reassure you; the chance that he would lie to you about it is very slim.

As for getting to know somebody first, you are well grounded there. Anonymous sex has never been something I've wanted; it's happened a couple of times, but I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as when I got to know somebody first.

Finally, being gay might not be your life, but it's certainly too important a part of it to ignore, suppress, or deny it to yourself. And very important, don't let worrying about all this keep you from enjoying yourself.

 

[kurt]

Finally, being gay might not be your life, but it's certainly too important a part of it to ignore, suppress, or deny it to yourself. And very important, don't let worrying about all this keep you from enjoying yourself.

That's very true. I do have that problem, over-worrying.