Identity Crisis\Borderline crazy

[rant17]

Thank you for everyone who gave me valuable advice, i really appreciate it

 

[diklik]

Hey Erasto, thanks for sharing your stuff. Quick and dirty thought - you gotta (temporarily) get away to a city where no relatives or friends of your family live (travel, vacation, etc.), and check out a gay bar, find a man whom you like and have sex with him. One time thing........see if that is really what you want to do. No labels need be applied. Lots of guys try both genders for the variety. If mansex is your preference, then you need to plan a course of action for the rest of your life. Same with gurlsex. Of course the watchword is safe sex at all times.

Obviously there will be the crisis of family awareness if you opt for male/male relationships. But, deal with that when it comes to a necessity, not before. Your having once considered suicide due to the pressure of things tells me that you find it impossible to confront your close family at this stage. I respect that, and understand it all too well. Black families are not the only racial cultures with intensely strong inter-familial pressures and expectations. It will eventually come down to your making a decision about your personal happiness, and making your family realize that it is YOUR life that you are living, not theirs or their expectations.

peace

(experienced white dad-dude)

 

[taurus2904]

You said that you're at university, and if it is not a religious-affiliated school, I suggest you seek out counseling there...or a professional non-religious psychologist somewhere. Lots of things going on here: identity disorder (possibly), external homophobia, internal homophobia, behavior disorder (probably), attachment/abandonment issues, to name a few.

i coldly turn them down if they're a girl, and if it's a guy i humiliate him so they get the hint i'm not gay..... (I have to, if i'm exposed that i like the attention, my life would be over)

when there's someone i like i treat them with the worst abuse, i don't know why.

That's just a terrible way to treat others. It's no way to ever find, and maintain, a healthy, loving relationship with someone else -- be that family, friends, or lovers.

It sounds like you objectify sexual partners while mentally removing yourself from the emotional aspects of those.

I was stalked by this really sexy blue eyed guy, i liked this so i occasionally pretend i don't know he's stalking me throughout campus.

This is a potentially dangerous situation, so please be aware of your surroundings all the time. I'm not sure how loosely you're using the term 'stalking'.

As much as you may not want to hear "be true to yourself, you may have to leave your family," that may be what is required. Previous suicidal thoughts and your current outlook actually worry me. Since you're in your 20s and at university, I must presume you are close to finishing school -- or at least part of it. It may be better once you are on your own.

Again, though, I strongly encourage you to seek help dealing with these problems. I'm not here to rant at you, but this affects you and everyone with whom you now have -- or could potentially have -- relationships.

 

[jeansGuyOZ]

when i'm in public i carry myself in an arrogant demeanour to hide my insecurities, i often am approached by BOTH guys and girls in university and work, and i coldly turn them down if they're a girl, and if it's a guy i humiliate him so they get the hint i'm not gay..... (I have to, if i'm exposed that i like the attention, my life would be over) i have a group of friends, i'm very popular and loved but deep down i'm very lonely, i have a huge family but still feel this way. I was stalked by this really sexy blue eyed guy, i liked this so i occasionally pretend i don't know he's stalking me throughout campus. I've never had sexual encounters before (ever, i pride myself on that), when there's someone i like i treat them with the worst abuse, i don't know why. I was taught that men are the strong and masculine of the two.

I was sympathetic until I got to this bit. Being scared or insecure in yourself is no excuse to treat other people like shit. If you can't bring yourself to admit you are attracted to someone, then ignore them and leave them alone until you sort yourself out, instead of playing games with people and making them feel miserable just because you are miserable. Don't tell me you don't have a choice. We all have a choice, and you can't keep blaming your parents or your upbringing for the actions you yourself choose to take.

Maybe that isn't what you wanted to hear, but I'm sorry, if you ask for advice in a forum like this you can't say "I want to hear this", "I don't want you to tell me that", etc. You asked for our opinions, I have given mine, and it is above.

 

[rant17]

No, that's exactly what i want to hear, the harsh truth, I don't want to be like this which is why I'm here talking to others who have experienced similar situations...i've been a coward pretty much but the reality is i have no idea what to do but i shouldn't get others involved. I've never had experience like this, i know it's cruel and terrible, i have settled down as of late.......just don't know what to do, ever felt trapped? haha sure you probably did

 

[rant17]

No, i can't really come out and tell someone, no one has the slightest idea and id prefer it that way, if i were to tell someone, they'd see me differently and i don't want that, i want to be known as myself not as this sexually confused person ya'll know me as maybe i'll get to that but darn it's tiring, i feel bad for giving you guys an earache about my trivial problems he-he, i really appreciate the advice.

I know its horrible, thats how i was and i want to change that by accepting myself, if i love myself i can love others, i was told

Hahaha no he wasn't stalking stalking, just stealing the odd look at the cafeteria, running into him at the staircase and outside more then a few occasion, he spoke to me a few times but he was too shy. I'm taller and slightly build than he is, i'm sure there's nothing to worry about, if i'm faced with such danger, i can defend myself, i did study boxing up until uni, and no, its an art university, i'm a film & design student, it's not religious affiliated university, but i'm religious and this does put things awkward.

I'm sure most thought of such things when they were younger, i didn't actually attempt to, i hate myself but that much....you're worried? sorry about that, I'm, well mentally extremely strong but even i have my weakness and it's a real pain in the ass to cover everything and falsely pretend its fine.

 

[rant17]

Ah sorry guys for triple posting, im not used to forums yet, always enjoyed reading but rarely join in ahahaha. Thank you for an amazing comment. I'm trying to experiment but ultimately i'll really try to become a better person, it pains me to see others enjoy their lives, ofcourse i enjoy my life, i party with friends and have a hell of a good time but i want to NOT care about what others think...If i act upon it, i can't turn back which is what frightens me, this stage of my life all is well, it's the regret that i don't want.