If a girl falls for you

[kurt]

My situation is this:

I'm deeply closeted and straight acting. But I don't "click" with guys as friends as we are too different. So I hang with girls most of the time. A female friend of mine is beginning to hint that she has feelings for me and everyone else thinks we are a couple. I like her as a friend but eventhough I've not really figured out my sexual orientation, I'm definitely not straight and I don't want to hurt her feelings. What would you do if you were me?

 

[gb2000ie]

If she really is a very close and very trusted friend, then I'd suggest honesty. Lies seldom make anything better, and ignoring something serious in a relationship rarely ends well either.

Not an easy situation - I don't envy you at all - what ever your decide to do, I hope it works out well for you.

B.

 

[intowner]

Just remember: You cannot control other people. My partner was in the same situation. He came clean with her early on. She claimed to understand. When she saw him for the first time with a guy, she freaked and admitted that she was hoping she could sway him. She became rather distant with him after that. There was nothing he could do. It was all on her at that point.

 

[Casanova]

Here's the thing.. we are all different, and we all have various experiences and may have different perceptions on this scenario. You said you havent really figured out your sexual orientation, so I am guessing this is psychologically a complicated time in your life.

But let's put all labels and sexual orientation aside.. How do you feel about her? Do you feel any spark or romantic connection with her? If you don't or are unsure how you feel about her, then the answer is simple, just be honest and tell her : No, sorry, you're only interested in her as a friend!

The thing is, a lot of guys who are gay or bisexual have experienced this in the past and they've all had treated situations like this differently.

I could easily say no, don't do it! It's going to be a disaster, as I've had 3 straight relationships in the past and they all had bitter ends as I just couldn't have sex with any of them, but to be quite honest, I don't regret my decisions either as it's all a learning process and my past situation could be totally different from yours at present.... but I'd say no, as it might be best to avoid heart-break and tears.

Just take things easily, and do what's best for you

 

[jw4833]

I have had this happened to me ...and I did come clean with the woman and because we had already established a good friendship prior to her feelings, that when I came honestly to her, it was cool. The only thing was that she would go out of her way to make my bf at that time jealous. You have to consider the fact that if you still think its not necessary to tell her the truth, that somewhere down the line, she will catch something that you've done subsconsciously and women are very intuitive which will result into her being extra pissed at you because she is going to feel that you should have been honest with her at the beginning and will question your friendship.

 

[jeansGuyOZ]

Are you sexually attracted to this girl? If you are, then go with the flow. If not, then you shouldn't lead her on by letting her think that you are. Doing something you don't really want to do, just so as to "avoid giving offence" is a recipe for disaster.

 

[loveless92]

If she asks you out just tell her. I've had to do this twice already and I sense two more times coming. I'm actually uncomfortable around women because of this.

 

[8oclockcoffee]

You don't owe her any more of an explanation of your sexuality than you would owe to any other friend, unless you have deliberately led her to believe you were interested in her as more than a friend.

If she hints or says outright that she is attracted to you, then all you owe her is to tell her that you are only interested in her as a friend. She doesn't have any special right to invade your privacy just because she is attracted to you sexually.

If you haven't led her on, then she is the one making things sexual or uncomfortable. To anyone who thinks she deserves to know the truth about you being gay/questioning, I ask why is she any different than any other friend? Her attraction to you is not your fault.

Personally, I couldn't be friends with anyone that I felt I had to hide my orientation from, but if you are closeted, then you must realize that if she is the jealous type, she might resent you and 'out' you if you tell her anything more than that you just see her as a friend. Some people will lash out because of embarrassment or a feeling of humiliation, and tell themselves that they were led on, even if it wasn't the case.

With all the talk of lies/honesty/coming clean:
If you tell her you are only interested in friendship, there is no lie. Adding that you are (or might be) gay is extra information she isn't any more entitled to than any other friend.

 

[kurt]

Thank you so much for all your replies. As I've said, I'm deeply closeted so I've not told a soul about my "confusion" yet. Hate to refer to it as confusion but that's how confused I am right now.

I'm not sexually attracted to her but emotionally, I feel we can do okay. But I agree with 8oclockcoffee, there's too much on the line. My family is very conservative and so is the community and the country I live in. I don't think I'm ready to tell her.

I think I might just distance myself a little bit to hint that I'm not interested. Hope it works. Lolz.

Thanks for all your comments, it really helped since I don't have anyone else to turn to. Please forgive me if I "over-shared". Haha.

 

[XMan101]

Thanks for all your comments, it really helped since I don't have anyone else to turn to. Please forgive me if I "over-shared". Haha.

Course you haven't ! It's one of the reasons we have this section

 

[topdog]

I agree with Gypsy and 8oclockcoffee - there's no need to explain your sexual orientation. (Which you couldn't do anyway because you are still discovering things for yourself.)

Really, whether it's a girl or a guy it is the same situation. A friend is falling for you, but you don't feel the same way. It's happened to just about everyone, gay or straight.

I would encourage you to respect her as a friend, and clearly tell her that you are not looking for anything more than friendship. I doubt that "hinting" will get the job done, because the heart in love is forever hopeful. Do everything you can to acknowledge her feelings and not hurt her self-esteem. Ask her what you can do to make the situation more comfortable for her.

Someday you will be in the same situation, but on the other side. Treat her the way you would like to be treated if the roles were reversed.

And thanks for sharing this with us. Let us know how things come around. And feel free to post any time you want to hash things out. No one here is shy about offering their opinion!

 

[wga1]

Course you haven't ! It's one of the reasons we have this section

Right!

 

[987654]

I can understand how you might not know what to do. If you aren't ready to say anything about feeling confused, you could tell her you don't have feelings for her-- which is the truth in some respect.

I'd only tell her the complete truth if she is trusting and wouldn't go telling anyone.

 

[trencherman]

I'll tell her right out I would not know what to do with her.

 

[garth33]

or what the hell...give it a shot!:devil: It seems to me like you should never turn down a possible weird turn in the road of life...at worst you could just make a quick U-turn

(There always has to be an ass-h*le in the crowd - right?)

peace,
g