I'm confused.

[ezekiel]

I have a problem, i'm confused about a guy and i would like to know your opinion.
There is this guy i know for some month now (8 months), let's call him "A" to not give a name; we met each others in a board game club so this is where we mainly see each others every friday.
He left Toulouse because he found a job here. We quickly became close to each others, we really get on really well, i really like him, i really like who he is and he seems to really like me.
I realized soon that i was falling in love with him but i tried not to go too fast because i wanted to have some proof he wasn't straight before trying anything more.

And he did some things, showed me some signs that made me think we were similar. He never talks about girls, he showed me some smiles,some looks in the eyes, and you know that kind of little things you never know if it's really relevant or not.

But today, i talked with my best friend about a guy i used to fancy in the past and she told me this guy asked her on a date some years ago but she refused (because she already had a boyfriend). That really confused me because i was so sure this guy was gay, because you know,he behaved like he was interested by me.
And now, i'm not so sure about "A", this revelation broke my confident and i just can't stop asking myself "what if i was wrong", "what if he's just trying to be friendly". That's really horrible because before this conversation with my best friend, i was almost sure he was gay but now i'm completely upset, full of doubt, and i hate that.

 

[lhardwick69]

if it were me and it has happened to me and I am sure it has to others as well tell him you like him would like to get to know him more see what he does-- couple times I did it things turned out for the better the others didn't but nothing bad come of it--they just told me they weren't gay but didn't disapprove of my being gay

 

[ezekiel]

Turns out i was wrong about him.
This conversation really confused me so i decided to check his letter box, and i saw his name and the name of a girl, probably his girlfriend, i'm so stupid.

 

[Otage]

Turns out i was wrong about him.
This conversation really confused me so i decided to check his letter box, and i saw his name and the name of a girl, probably his girlfriend, i'm so stupid.

No, you're not stupid, you were just hopefull. It reminds me of this one guy, almost similar case, never talked about girls etc. The true misleading thing is, that he likes you as a friend, and you wanna like him as smth more, so that is what you wish and want for. And then you see "signs", like 'he never talks about girls', well you usually talk about common subjects with friends, so if you're not talking about girls, he might think you're shy about the matter, gentleman, or he feels your not that barcking type and you have talking other stuff etc... I remember that it was so frustrating, and all I could do was to come about the matter. And he was not gay, and my dream castle fell, but in the end, I really never had anything, just hopes, so I really didn't loose anything. I kinda back then at some point started to believe he was not gay, but had to tell him to be sure, to move on, to see the card.

BUT the best part is, that after that I took some distance to sort my feelings, and we are now friends, and I only wish him best But good friends are hard to come by.

 

[ezekiel]

Well, it's not as painful as i thought it would be...
It's painful, but less than if he'd suddenly left me, without answers. It's unpleasant, as if the ground falls under my feet.
I'm trying to stay optimistic, keep teeling me maybe this girl isn't his girlfriend, and even if she is, that doesn't mean idon't have any chance, who knows.
I'm not trying to hide the truth, inside me i know it failed, i know he's probably straight and just wanted to be friendly, but who knows.
Now, i'm just asking myself how it will be, with him, our relationship, i want to keep him as a friend because even if i'm a bit angry at him for not mentionning he has a girlfriend, i still really like him as a friend, because he's a nice guy, honnest. I also want to tell him the truth, that i'm gay.

 

[jw4833]

I've been in a few similar situations as the one you've wrote about...and like the other guys on the forum had mentioned...the incident with your girlfriend does not mean that he is straight...sounds like either he is closeted, confused about his sexuality or he wants his cake and eat it too so to speak. I was also pursued by a guy whom initially I had assumed was straight until he started throwing all kinds of advances my way which always seemed to happened behind closed doors where he and I were alone. However, in the public's eye...he tried to maintain a "straight persona" and would go out on dates with women...but somehow...after the date would always come by my place afterwards or either call me in the wee hours to see if I am home. In conclusion...you need to ask yourself if this is something that you really want to pursue....sounds like a red flag to me...Good luck...

 

[OLMPKY]

lol i dislike when guys i think are straight and then they act all nice with me then next thing i know they really are straight. Makes it so hard (for me) to talk to that person.

 

[OLMPKY]

if it were me and it has happened to me and I am sure it has to others as well tell him you like him would like to get to know him more see what he does-- couple times I did it things turned out for the better the others didn't but nothing bad come of it--they just told me they weren't gay but didn't disapprove of my being gay

oh my god if i would've did this around here, .......i'd probably been beat up alot lol

 

[ezekiel]

Well, it's been a tough week, i still don't really know what to think, sometimes i think he's probably straight, sometimes i can't stop thinking there is some strange things he did but it can be nothing.
I think i still want to believe, even if i will be very careful now and not too hopeful.

 

[Otage]

You can keep on pondering in distress, trying to look for sings, but you can't really be sure untill you really are sure. There's always that little hope, that little 'what if'. Distress will continue etc. What can you do?

1. Come clean, tell him how you feel, and if he is not surely gay(he might be, some hide it well, some seem to be gay, but are not), tell him that you wanna be friends, but in order to that to happen, you had to clear your feelings, make things clear so you can move on from your feelings.

2. Leave him. Would you wanna be his friend so badly if you weren't attracted to him? Is he worth all the distress the situation is causing?

3. Just let it be. You are just friends, nothing more. If somenthing more will come of it, well then it will. But untill that you are just friends. (very hard to do if you like the guy, suspicion and hopes will creep up, and it doesn't feel good)

4. Playing detective. Try to hint stuff etc. Lead him into subjects and search his reactions and answers etc. And again, your hopes will brolly guide your judgement, and that 'what if' will brolly follow.

5. Get him and yourself really drunk A true wild card. The easiest, but also brolly the most fatal move to make.

6. Take distance to the matter for a while, change scenery if bossible. Maybe you are too close to see clearly, and when you see the whole picture, then decide what to do.

7. Is the distress caused by the situation blurring your vision with negativity? What would the overly confident and positive you do? The one that wins no matter what happened, the omnipotent god mode of you.

Can't think of anything more. But what's the point of friends? Make you feel good, make you feel accepted, comfortable as you are etc. Is he doing that, or is he just causing you distress and making you be in emotional situation you don't wanna be in? Stop torturing yourself, one way or another. And we all in some way wish for romance, but maybe he is just dead end crush slowing you down from finding someone who actually would like you and vise versa?

 

[ezekiel]

1. Come clean, tell him how you feel, and if he is not surely gay(he might be, some hide it well, some seem to be gay, but are not), tell him that you wanna be friends, but in order to that to happen, you had to clear your feelings, make things clear so you can move on from your feelings.

I'm thinking about that but i think it will be too soon for the moment.

2. Leave him. Would you wanna be his friend so badly if you weren't attracted to him? Is he worth all the distress the situation is causing?

I'm a naturally nervous guy, i'm a gemini so when i fall in love, it's always important and stressfull. I really like him as a friend, there are many things i like about him, he's honnest, natural, intelligent, funny, he's a great guy and i really like the closeness we have together, even as a simple friend. i think i would be sad if i'd loose him.

3. Just let it be. You are just friends, nothing more. If somenthing more will come of it, well then it will. But untill that you are just friends. (very hard to do if you like the guy, suspicion and hopes will creep up, and it doesn't feel good)

Yep, very hard when you love him.

4. Playing detective. Try to hint stuff etc. Lead him into subjects and search his reactions and answers etc. And again, your hopes will brolly guide your judgement, and that 'what if' will brolly follow.

That's what i'm doing since i met him, :rofl:.
I'll keep doing that, of course, to see if i'm right or wrong.

5. Get him and yourself really drunk A true wild card. The easiest, but also brolly the most fatal move to make.

Bad Idea. I'm a terrible drunker :rofl:. I'm drunk easily and i will probably be drunk quickly before him :rofl:. And i don't really like this way.

7. Is the distress caused by the situation blurring your vision with negativity? What would the overly confident and positive you do? The one that wins no matter what happened, the omnipotent god mode of you.

Interesting suggestion.
I think i would invite him, to the cinema or to do something a saturday night with some friends. That's what i wanted to do this week but shit happened.

But what's the point of friends? Make you feel good, make you feel accepted, comfortable as you are etc. Is he doing that, or is he just causing you distress and making you be in emotional situation you don't wanna be in?

Yes, i really like being with him, i'm really happy to talk with him, to laugh with him...

 

[Otage]

I'm thinking about that but i think it will be too soon for the moment.



I'm a naturally nervous guy, i'm a gemini so when i fall in love, it's always important and stressfull. I really like him as a friend, there are many things i like about him, he's honnest, natural, intelligent, funny, he's a great guy and i really like the closeness we have together, even as a simple friend. i think i would be sad if i'd loose him.



Yep, very hard when you love him.



That's what i'm doing since i met him, :rofl:.
I'll keep doing that, of course, to see if i'm right or wrong.



Bad Idea. I'm a terrible drunker :rofl:. I'm drunk easily and i will probably be drunk quickly before him :rofl:. And i don't really like this way.



Interesting suggestion.
I think i would invite him, to the cinema or to do something a saturday night with some friends. That's what i wanted to do this week but shit happened.




Yes, i really like being with him, i'm really happy to talk with him, to laugh with him...

Ok, so play detective and play time for the right moment while doing that. And at the same time plan that cinema night with friends. You said it, not me And that cinema is your plan, so focus on it, you now have plan, stop wallowing in 'what will you do'. We have a plan suggestion:thumbs up: NOTE: Use your consideration about this, cause who knows, maybe this is the worst plan ever But the situation is hard, I know cause been there, and coming all out... It might be too soon and it could wreck the friend bossibility.

 

[topdog]

1. Come clean, tell him how you feel, and if he is not surely gay(he might be, some hide it well, some seem to be gay, but are not), tell him that you wanna be friends, but in order to that to happen, you had to clear your feelings, make things clear so you can move on from your feelings.

I'm thinking about that but i think it will be too soon for the moment

Wait a minute... you want him to admit that he is gay, but you are not willing to do it yourself? :worried: Aren't those expectations a bit lopsided?

Otage is on the right track. Forget the romance; your next step is to bring honesty to the friendship. Put yourself out there and let him know that you trust him with something important. If he has any same-sex inclinations, you are creating a relationship where it will be safe for him to share them (eventually, don't expect anything right away).

Forgive me for stating the obvious, but in the long term, your chances of finding sex and love are low if everyone thinks you are straight. Your friends will be wasting time trying to fix you up with a girl, when they could be introducing you to the cute gay boy at work. :big hug:

 

[Otage]

Wait a minute... you want him to admit that he is gay, but you are not willing to do it yourself? :worried: Aren't those expectations a bit lopsided?

Otage is on the right track. Forget the romance; your next step is to bring honesty to the friendship. Put yourself out there and let him know that you trust him with something important. If he has any same-sex inclinations, you are creating a relationship where it will be safe for him to share them (eventually, don't expect anything right away).

Forgive me for stating the obvious, but in the long term, your chances of finding sex and love are low if everyone thinks you are straight. Your friends will be wasting time trying to fix you up with a girl, when they could be introducing you to the cute gay boy at work. :big hug:

Very very true:thumbs up:. AND by becoming more confident and open about your sexuality, it will be easy to state in the very beginning that you're gay, and you won't end up in these situations again. I was in the closet when I had my similiar broblem, and now when I'm out in the open, I have avoided all these kinda broblems. It's not a bad place to be heading

 

[ezekiel]

My friends know i'm gay, i'm not in the closet, i don't play the straight guy anymore, especially with a guy i like/love. But i'm not ready to tell anybody.
I'm not scared of bad reactions, it's just some kind of privacy, i'm not introducing myself as gay or straight, i want people to know me first and i'll tell them if i trust them; and if someone ask me if i'm gay or straight, i won't lie.

My friends usually jokes about that but they never say explicitly i'm gay, they let me do this.

I think it's too soon to open up to him about that because we never talk about love relationship, or about girls, he never mentionned he had a girlfriend, never asked me anything about that. He told me about his family, about his friends, about him... that would me misplaced to suddenly tell him i'm gay, just like that... but if i find the right time/right place, then i'll do it.

 

[luvmuslmen]

The woman could be just his roommate/housemate. You could feign innocence and just ask him if he is married, or seeing someone. It never hurts to show an interest in someone's personal life. If they don't want to talk about it, they won't. They might steer the conversation to something less personal. You don't have to ask the question in such a way that makes him think you are really interested in a boyfriend type of relationship, just as a genuine friend. I don't think that he would take offense, if he thinks that you are just trying to get to know him better.

 

[Otage]

My friends know i'm gay, i'm not in the closet, i don't play the straight guy anymore, especially with a guy i like/love. But i'm not ready to tell anybody.
I'm not scared of bad reactions, it's just some kind of privacy, i'm not introducing myself as gay or straight, i want people to know me first and i'll tell them if i trust them; and if someone ask me if i'm gay or straight, i won't lie.

My friends usually jokes about that but they never say explicitly i'm gay, they let me do this.

I think it's too soon to open up to him about that because we never talk about love relationship, or about girls, he never mentionned he had a girlfriend, never asked me anything about that. He told me about his family, about his friends, about him... that would me misplaced to suddenly tell him i'm gay, just like that... but if i find the right time/right place, then i'll do it.

I usually make my sexuality clear quite quick. Ofc not like "hey my name is X, I'm gay" but more casually, in conversation, cause some people are still very homofobic and I don't wanna waste my time getting to know them any more than they wan't to spend theirs on me. And that prevents situations like you are in right now

But yeah, let him know when you're ready, and see how he reacts. You don't have to tell about your feelings, cause by then you brolly know if he's gay or not, and why make things wierd for no reason if you get your answer?

And I think it's quite common to ask, that do you have girlfriend from person you are getting to know and you are getting to be friends with. But I feel your situation, it's hard to see the whole picture with your own hopes, dreams and fears. It's like a mental maze with dead ends every where, and you can't rise up to see the way out. Just try to relax and be cool and confident. Time will reveal the answer or force you into some kind of action.

 

[ezekiel]

Some updates about the situation, bad updates of course.

It appeared this girl was his girlfriend so i finally got the answer. i was such a conwars so i didn"t really asked for it. We were playing a board game with another guy; this another guy is a bus driver and he saw him during the week, running, so he started to ask him some question about that and he answered he wasn't really into running, it was more his girlfriend hobby.

Let's say it wasn't especially enjoyable (i'm using a smiley just to show you it's not a tragedy, i'm kinda over it). It wasn't really painfull because, let's be honnest, i knew deep inside myself that she was his girlfriend and even if i still kept some hope, i knew for some time i was mistaken. I would even say it was a kind of relief because since the last time i asked for help here, i was a bit paralyzed by doubt, i wanted to try something but each time, i thought about this girl and i became paralyzed by doubt, and that's something i really hate.
So yeah, a part of me was relieved.
Obviously, this revelation, the truth, ruined my evening and i wasn't really the same during the game, i wasn't into it and i wasn't as talkative as usual. I don't know if my "mates" noticed something because i'm pretty good at hiding my emotion.

But there is something very confusing since this night.
As i said before, i can't really blame him for that. Well, i blame him for not telling me he has a girlfriend but i also blame myself for being a bit stupid and naive. The first time i saw him, i didn't really felt anything, i started to get interested by him after he started to show interest for me and despite telling myself to be careful, i fell in love with him cause he acted the way i do when i flirt with a guy.

I didn't saw him since that; because i didn't wanted to, because i needed time alone to deal with it, so i didn't came back to the club.
But i don't really konw, or understand what i'm feeling about him, i have some contradictory feelings : i don't want to be angry at him because he didn't want to hurt me on purpose and because as i said before, he's a great and honnest guy, but i can't pretend nothing happened (or maybe i don't want to pretend nothing happened). I think i'm feeling a bit betrayed and trust is something important for me.
I don't really know what's really hurt inside me : my heart or my ego (probably both).

So sometimes i think i shouldn't be mad at him because he's a good guy and we get on really well and i would be sad if he suddenly leave; but in the same time, when i think about this girl, i whish he could go to hell.
it's been a month now and i still don't know what to do and what to think :?.

 

[jw4833]

Perhaps in the near future ...you will halt off on falling in love prior to knowing anything about the person such as being gay or straight or even involved with someone else or if the person have the same feelings as yourself. Love can be a very dangerous situation and for me...LOVE is a very powerful word and to for it to be used so nonchalant towards causes me much concern and apprehension to say the least. So...consider this experience as a lesson learned for the future. Good luck.

 

[fatty]

That's the trouble - you are thinking too much and the clock is ticking. If you like each other ask him out and see what happens? He might be this and he might be that but tomorrow he might be walking gayly along when somebody throws a piano out the window and it lands on his head and kills him. Then your dilemma becomes about regret and life should never be about regret, should it?