Is it ok to just approach guys to find out if they're gay or not?

[zara8]

Title is pretty much it. The reason why I'm asking is because I saw this really good-looking guy yesterday at the library and he was wearing a "Velvet Underground" shirt, and smelled really good, so I thought "maybe", you know... (I would probably approach him regardless of that, though. He was just that gorgeous)

Anyway, saw him again today and finally mustered up some courage and asked him if he was into guys. He was really nice and not offended at all, but he did seem genuinely surprised that I thought he was gay. Which I found strange because I'd expect both girls and guys to be all over him wherever he goes.

So, is it ok to just ask the guy out if you like him, or do you have to wait for someone covered in rainbow flag (because I'll likely die a virgin if that's the case)?

If you can't tell, this is my first time approaching someone (I'm currently on a short exchange from a very homophobic country), and just need to know if I've done something wrong.

 

[gorgik9]

Well I for one definitely don't think you've done anything wrong at all, and since the guy himself didn't mind - well everything seems just OK.

 

[Machor]

It's OK, but be careful, someone can find that offensive and can be aggressive to you!

 

[topdog]

One way around this is just to let it causally slip that you are gay. This can be as easy as referencing your last boyfriend or you who you think is the hottest movie star. Now the next move is up to him.

The great thing about this approach is that it doesn't force an admission from your cute guy - which can put him on the spot whatever the answer and could be embarrassing or feel like being pressured for too much information too soon. Also the "are you gay" question can be a conversation stopper. What comes after that? You are either hitting on him, or about to punch him in the face.

Sometimes straight guys interpret that question as an observation of their lack of masculinity. This has nothing to do with being homophobic - it just hits on one of their insecurities. (The TV show Friends got a lot of mileage out of Chandler's frustration that people often assumed he was gay.)

On the other hand, your admission lets him know that you are available, and it implies a confidence in who you are and also that you trust him with that extra bit of personal information. That is a compliment. He can take the cue and share something about himself, or continue the conversation in another direction. No harm; no foul.

I'm sure there are many other approaches. This has often worked for me.

 

[jw4833]

Well...to each its own on this topic...however...for me...I could not approach someone and ask them about their sexual identity because that could go either bad or good. Some guys would definitely get offended for a stranger just to walk up to them in that way. I say this because a lot of people feel that since they don't know you would figure that's a personal question and only deserves a response to those whom they are close to....you know what I mean??...I have seen your approach with a guy went really bad...the guy got very offended to say the least. However...the interesting part of this story is that I happened to have seen this guy a few days later after his rant in a gay club dancing away and kissing all over the guy he was dancing with...haha...Therefore, me personally...the only way I would be comfortable with your approach if you and I have been engaged in a few conversations on a friendly level; or if you happened to have seen me at a gay function/event. I say the last one because I know a lot of straight guys who will attend a gay function/event just in support of a friend or relative ....not because they are actually gay. So..again..kudos to you for that approach working well in your favor....JW

 

[ihno]

Just ask him if he likes Barbara Streisand or any other Diva of your choice and there you go!

 

[Machor]

Just ask him if he likes Barbara Streisand or any other Diva of your choice and there you go!

Haha! That's kinda weird! Not everyone likes Divas!

 

[zara8]

OK, so I definitely came to the right place (You can't NOT be skeptical when asking for personal advice on porn forums )

Thanks everyone for their replies. Just to clarify, I didn't exactly asked him right away. I tried to start with "Velvet Underground". Also, right now I'm in a very liberal country where even most pious groups usually don't condemn homosexuality, so I am not in any danger of social backlash (nor physical), but I do get where Machor is coming from... and that's likely the country I'll go back to very soon at least for a while.

If the backlash was from the guy himself... well, I'm attracted to personality as much as to appearance, so discovering that the guy's an asshole would be very liberating in a way. I don't have any insecurities about my preferences or abilities so that's not really an issue

I think topdog definitely gave really good advice, and will try to apply it in future. I guess I was just too nervous to go through whole meeting and chatting thing today, and I have some (a lot actually) REALLY bad experiences with female friends that were hanging around me just to try to be with me (coming out in home country is not an option for the time being, unfortunately), which during time convinced me that direct approach is not only easier but also more sincere. Stating that I'm gay first, however, seems a lot smarter. Sometimes we need even obvious things pointed out to us, so thanks again

Oh, and as a metalhead, I find most cultural stereotypes pretty... undesirable in a guy

 

[gorgik9]

I think we all need some Velvet Undergrund and - of course - a Venus in Furs...



...and then we should take a walk on the wild side....

 

[trencherman]

Better to ask than to presume.

 

[Hyp]

watch if he's checking out the girls or the guys, send a few subtle signals, flirt a bit, occasionally encroach on his personal space, see if he responds or starts avoiding you, etc, etc.

yes, the mating dance is complex and mysterious, but has great rewards...

 

[cacc]

I wouldn't do that. A lot of people could take something like that completely the wrong way, ya know.

 

[fatty]

Your question is funny as it implies something like, is it ok to look up a girls dress to see if she wears knickers lol.

But it is ok to talk to anybody to see if there is a connection - yes. Asking them about their sexual identity straight up seems a little screwy to me though!