Is It Really Getting Better?

[Fredric13]

About twelve years ago I co-wrote a stage play about how bullying led a teen to commit a school shooting. In every school where the play was performed, an anti-bullying initiative was started by the student body--even as recently as last year. Over the years, sadly, my co-author and I have had to make very few changes based on the feedback from the kids who star and view the show.

Then yesterday I see the story of the gay fourteen year old who, despite taking part in the "It Gets Better" campaign, committed suicide.

Despite the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," in the US, despite the legislation of same sex marriage in yet another state, I'm not seeing anything getting better.

Eight years ago I had a job where I could be Out. The last job I had was full of the same old anti-gay bull that I remembered at the height of the AIDS scare of the 80's.

I read a comment in the posts on the story about the boy from Buffalo. The commentator said, "Don't confuse 'Getting Better' with 'Getting Easier'".

If it's not getting easier, can it really be getting better?

 

[etilit]

easier or better..the fact that its out there is better lol

the more they talk about it is better for us we cant control others thoughts...just hope they can understand and time helps

 

[ritsuka]

If it's not getting easier, can it really be getting better?

No. We do need serious anti-bullying initiatives at schools, in our communities, but we also have to keep gay youth from being bullied at home as well. And we need a larger cultural change that allows these kids to be what they want and who they are instead of allowing them to be attacked for not fitting into the straight, conservative gender roles they are confronted with. The homophobia of the society, the culture we live in is more profound than a few federal/state policy changes, and yes, it does extend well beyond the teen years.

We need parents to stop automatically assuming that their children will be straight and then throwing a violent, hateful fit when they find out otherwise. We don't have senior citizen GLBT people telling gay soldeirs kicked out the military or young couples who want to get married that "it gets better" without actually doing a damned thing for political and social change, so obviously we need to do more than distribute platitudes to young people about their issues. Obviously this positive thinking affirmation did not work for Jamey Rodemeyer; as he said on his blog, "I always say how bullied I am, but no one listens. What do I have to do so people will listen to me?" Let's please try to make it better now and not fetishize the troubles we went through in the past as somehow being "good."

 

[topdog]

It sounds like it is easy to confuse the message "it gets better", which is a personal message of how one's perspective changes as one gets older, with "it's getting better" which is an assessment of society as a whole.

"It gets better" is true because as one moves from the closed fish bowl of high school to the wide ocean of college and career, you discover that you are not alone - there are lots of other people just as gay as you are. You find that the world is not defined by the opinions of your family and immature school friends. You can create your own family; you can make new friends; you can move to a new city. You get to tell the world who you are rather than the other way around.

In short, this is about your personal journey from gay adolescent to gay adult.

This does not necessarily mean that "it's getting better" for gay kids or even gays as a whole in our culture. (Although I think you can make an argument that on many levels it is indeed getting better.) That conclusion is saying something, not about us - but about the attitudes of all the non-gay people around us. In that way, it has absolutely nothing to do with the "it gets better message". The state of society is completely different subject.

I will say this, though. As much progress as I have seen in our culture towards normalizing homosexuality, the ones that will always have the hardest time will be gay teenagers. Here's why:

• You are at your most vulnerable at that point; just starting to find out who you are - but still wanting desperately to fit in and be accepted by everyone else.
• Children are brutal and cruel by nature - they are little humans running on the most basic tribalistic instincts. They don't yet understand the reasons or consequences of what they do. They have absorbed all of the prejudices of their parents and peers, but don't yet have the intellectual perspective to know why they believe these things, much less challenge them. These means that most gay kids will find themselves trying to cope with a hostile environment - long after adults may have worked through a lot of their old preconceived notions.
• To kids, the world immediately around them is the only world that exists. And if they don't fit into that world, then they conclude that they don't fit in anywhere.

This is what "it gets better" is aimed at. Not changing the attitudes of the non-gay world around them. But telling kids that the world is a much bigger and more diverse place than what surrounds them, and that the time will soon come when they can take their place in that bigger world.

Yes, as ritsuka says, we also need to actively work to change the negative attitudes non-gay parents, teachers, family members, etc.

But the beauty of the "it gets better" message is that it leaps over all of those obstacles and gets to kids RIGHT NOW and lets them know that even if nothing changes around them - they will change very soon - and be stronger and whole.

That's the key: even if the world doesn't get better or easier, if they can just give themselves the short amount of time to come into their adulthood - they will be more than strong enough to stare down the haters around them.

 

[tiggertoo]

Then yesterday I see the story of the gay fourteen year old who, despite taking part in the "It Gets Better" campaign, committed suicide.

dont misunderstand me, I am totally not blaming the gay 14 yr old. but lets be honest, all young kids, gay or str8 or whatever in between, tend to think in very isolated blacks and whites. sudden, instant and drastic solutions are not unusual in many teenagers lives, dealing with anything from zits and how to fix them, to what kind of pizza to order, to something as deadly serious as taking his life. it could have been a case of the boy taking part in that campaign, and hoping that his action would magically end his problems. so taking a sad lesson from this, more gay guys need to be out there answering phones, speaking to groups, etc. etc. and more money needs to be squeezed out of governments to provide free help lines, counseling and stuff. no gay kid should have to feel that there is no one to talk to.

 

[jaxfltop]

I think things are a lot better now than they were 25 years ago when I was in the military. I think they are better than they were 15 years ago when I had to hide who I was at my job to avoid being fired even though I was the most productive employee. Though I will admit I have notice a gathering of religious extremist in the U.S. that I think could potentially be just as dangerous as the religious extremist that caused 9/11 only these ones will try to do it politically.

 

[Fredric13]

Thanks to everyone who have responded so far. Tiggertoo you are spot on. We all need to build our community connections. It's just a shame that in all of the small communities I've lived in it just isn't possible. I can move to a larger metro area, these kids can't.

I just find it sad that the things I faced in high school twenty-five years ago and the things I wrote about twelve years ago are still happening today.

 

[topdog]

... It's just a shame that in all of the small communities I've lived in it just isn't possible...

Help me understand - why isn't it possible?

 

[Fredric13]

Topdog, I don't know where you live. I can only speak to my own experiences in the small towns I've had to live in from time to time. In every case they were right wing conservative dominated by fundamentalist "Christians". Again, I want to make it clear that not all small towns are like this, just the towns I've lived in. Adults live in the closet for fear of losing their jobs and kids live in the closet for fear of being sent to a reprogramming center. You might think I exaggerate, but I was a victim of one of these "special education" camps when I was a kid.

Why isn't it possible in these communities? The political and religious right dominate in this area and they are only getting stronger.

Actions speak louder than words. In this part of the US, you can't stare down the haters. They beat you to a pulp, tie you to a barbed wire fence and leave you to die. Then they cry about how they were traumatised by you.

 

[gb2000ie]

Some people in this thread seem to be answering the question "Is everything perfect yet", rather than the question that was actually asked "is it getting better".

The answer to the question that wasn't asked goes something like Ritsuka's answer, but the answer to the question that was asked would have to be 'yes'!

I'm reminded of the political slogan used by one of Ireland's most infamous prime ministers - "A lot done, more to do". I visited my old school not too long ago, the place had changed utterly. There was not a single out gay person in my rural home town when I left there (why I left), now, it's just not an issue, I can go home now, and chat with my neighbours about how my partner is doing, no big deal, no one bats an eye-lid, it's just become normal an accepted. That's SERIOUS progress!

But no - we shouldn't rest on our laurels, we shouldn't stop striving to make things better, because there are still many problems to be over-come.

B.

 

[crew32]

There really needs to be harder punishments for bullying.

 

[Haplo]

Well, steps are being taken, at least in some countries, so yes, slowly it's getting better...
Personally? As much comfortable as I can be with myself, I don't see my future here in Italy... Just look at it: the politic side sucks (we're the ones with the politician accusing IKEA of being against our Constitution), and the civil side is just as bad, all the beatings in the cities, with the general opinion supporting the attacker, and the towns aren't exactly gay-friendly either...

 

[777]

I read a comment in the posts on the story about the boy from Buffalo. The commentator said, "Don't confuse 'Getting Better' with 'Getting Easier'".

If it's not getting easier, can it really be getting better?

My answer would be no. I second your post about little towns, though it's not quite as bad in here. But it's not only in small cities that people may have no chances. You need resources to be able to get to the "better", whether it's financial or social. I've lived it through with friends who had bad homes with all the religious BS and other stuff, bullied at school... who grew up in hopes that it'll get better, tried to achieve the place where it doesn't hurt so much anymore... but when you are so scarred inside that even if it gets easier in some sense when you are older, it may be too little too late.

Even if you'd have some resources, like a supportive family, the whole reality might be too much like for the boy from Buffalo it probably was. Not everyone is as tough as surviving the teenage years sometimes demand one to be. It should be easier.

 

[tonka]

The road to justice and equality is long and hard. We are seeing a backlash around the world. But that is because it IS getting better.
Don't let the setbacks obscure the amazing progress that continues. Just this week gay Americans can now serve openly in the military.