Looking for advice

[buscandotwinks]

Hi guys, I joined the community a few days ago out of curiosity and looking for other people experiences.
I've been watching gay porn for a while (years really) and while I had girlfriends, in fact I'm seeing a girl right now, everyday it is mroe difficult to me to keep it up together.
I didn't tell anyone about this yet, don't know what my family and friends could say or do if I come out to them.
Never had an experience with another man, when I broke up with my first girlfriend I got a little depressed, started to over ate (5 years now) put on 60 fucking LB and it's getting impossible to get rid of those 60 bastards, so I eat because I'm sad and so on.
I was always confident about girls just because they do not make me ansious or nervous, but I never tried anything on a boy, as the fat ass I am it gets on my nerves I'd get reject, or that I will fuck it up maybe talk to a boy that is not gay and offend him or something.

Any advice guys? I'm between a rock and a hard place here... I cannot get myself to go to a gay friendly bar I just think people will look at me weird or even laugh, I know it's sad and desperate but it's getting really hard to keep all my shit together.

Thanks for being there if you read, and tell me waht you think please, just harsh absolute blatant honesty

 

[Otage]

To me it feels like your first step should be accepting yourself. It's hard to think what others will think about you, if you are unsure yourself. If you feel like your not enough yourself, you easilly think that other will think the same way.

And if you wanna get into better shape, well don't wait for that miracle pill. If you want somekinda guy, you can shape yourself too into looking more like that guy, what you think is diserable. Which will boost your confidence at the same time. Slow process, but it's important to enjoy the small successes on the way, and not to frustrate, that your not at the finishline yet.

And I suggest you read the coming out thread here http://www.gayheaven.org/showthread.php?t=15476

And I think you already know what you want: wanna be in better shape, wanna be honest to yourself and others about your gaynes, gain confidence on that field and find some fun Start getting into shape, it will boost confidence, even though start is bit though, you can push threw it. And think of just one person who you could tell, someone who you trust, and then just let it sink in, there's no rush, it doesn't have to be dramatic. The first time telling is always the hardest. I chickened many times, but then I just let it be for a while cause the whole idea was stressing me so badly, so I just let it come naturally when I was ready. Start freeing yourself from your chains, no one is going to do it for you, take control, be strong, start pushing towards step by step. U can effect on your life with the choces you will make. Edison tried hundreds of materials for lamp, and only reason he succeeded was that he didn't quit before he was there.

And the fear of going into gay friendly bar, you think everyone will judge you etc. It's the common 'what will others think, everybodys looking' etc. Lack of confidence. You need to start accepting yourself, or to start becoming the person you can accept. And gay people are not stereotypes, there are lot of nice people there, and not all twinks

I wish you all the best, and hope this helped even a little bit

 

[gorgik9]

Though Otage is much, much younger than me (I'm soon to be 55), he's a wise young man.
I can honestly tell you, that no one has ever been so mean to me as myself to myself...

I've had loooong periods in life when I've accepted as a certain fact, that absolutely no one could like me or think highly of me, and "everybody knows" I'm good for nothing.

But those extremely depressive thoughts were nothing but fictions created in my own devellish mind. This forum has helped me a lot in accepting that I'm a more than acceptable person.

 

[W!nston]

Otage and Gorgik have given you the best advice and I agree with them.

The first step is to accept yourself as you are with all your imperfections. We are all imperfect. Once you can look yourself in the mirror, smile and find something positive in yourself whether it's a physical trait or a personality trait you will have taken the first step towards self confidence. I'd bet you have many attractive qualities. You're not unlike everyone else. Start with that first step then take another.

Personal grooming can help. Keep yourself clean. Keep your clothes clean. Keep your living space clean.

If you feel you need to loose weight make the effort to do so. But don't focus on that too much. If you can find a happy medium between your current weight and your ideal weight you'll do fine. Do as I do and as so many others like us do. Eat smaller portions then find something else to do instead of thinking about food. When you think you want to eat something get your mind off of it. Go for a 30 minute walk instead. Serve yourself smaller portions. Try to eat half as much as you do now. You will be surprised what a difference that makes.

Making those simple changes will help you gain more self confidence. Just knowing you are putting effort into positive changes will give you confidence. Don't underestimate the power of self confidence. People are drawn to it. When you feel good about yourself it shows. All of us have value. All of us bring something to the table so to speak. You just need to realize you bring something to the table too.

When you are looking at other guys are you drawn to the timid ones who sit in silence? Or are you more drawn to the ones who aren't trying to be invisible? The ones who walk into the room and look others in the eye, smile, laugh and are able to say hello to strangers? Don't be afraid to say hello and have a conversation. Talk to people like they are friends not sex objects. Try to make conversation about simple things to start with and keep the conversation going. If you connect then you have gotten over the first hurdle. Don't try to hit a home run just try to get a base hit. Once you have built up more confidence it will show. In no time you will feel stronger. People are drawn to that sort of 'social' strength. Don't be afraid my friend.

Look, you joined a Gay forum. You posted a question asking for advice. You are already making those positive changes. You can do this.

Keep us posted

Sniffit

 

[dargelos]

If what you know about the gay world is based on what you've seen in porn films then you will start out with a misleading impression. Apart from a lucky few, most of us dont have perfect bodies, perfect teeth, perfect hair and giant cocks that squirt gallons every 20 minutes. Porn is good fun but if you compare yourself too closely to the porn stars in the films you cant help but be disappointed in your own body by comparison. In the real world gay men come in the full range of shapes and sizes and there is certain to someone out there to whom you are perfectly loveable just the way you are.
And the day you do decide to walk into a gay bar for the first time remember that every one of the regulars in there had a first time too.

 

[buscandotwinks]

If what you know about the gay world is based on what you've seen in porn films then you will start out with a misleading impression. Apart from a lucky few, most of us dont have perfect bodies, perfect teeth, perfect hair and giant cocks that squirt gallons every 20 minutes. Porn is good fun but if you compare yourself too closely to the porn stars in the films you cant help but be disappointed in your own body by comparison. In the real world gay men come in the full range of shapes and sizes and there is certain to someone out there to whom you are perfectly loveable just the way you are.
And the day you do decide to walk into a gay bar for the first time remember that every one of the regulars in there had a first time too.

O no I do not compare myself to that, it is an almost impossible high standard, but I have a few gay acquaintance and those guys are handsome as fuck. Not one of them has a ripped body and abs, but they are very good looking. Now I'm in China so there are many people in these cities, but I come from a small city in Argentina and coming out there it's just for everyone to know, they are old minded that's why I left and I'm really thinking about not coming back to that place.
While Chinese people are very old minded too, no one knows me here so if I decide to go to a bar or hit on someone at some point, no one will know me and it will stay that way.


Thanks to each and every reply it helps a lot

Best wishes people

 

[Urban]

Several people above have mentioned this point, but I think it bears emphasizing:

You would do well not to worry so much about hitting on guys and just making some gay friends. I think you feel isolated and need some companionship. Guys can tell when they're being hit on; instead, just start talking or join a conversation. The kind of guys who would walk away from that are the kind you don't really want to know anyway, and probably aren't looking for a conversation, so don't worry about them.

And BTW, I guarantee that we are not all "handsome as fuck". We are basically not any different from the rest of the human population, and if your experience tells you otherwise, then maybe you're going to the wrong bars.There are lots of ordinary, friendly gay bars that are filled with ordinary, friendly gay people, although I can't tell you anything about what you might find in China.

 

[gb2000ie]

Your question doesn't mention where in the world you are - so if you're not in a western country, ignore my advice because it's probably not relevant.

Firstly, and most importantly, you won't find love until you are comfortable in your own skin. Relationships are built on a foundation of openness and honestly between partners, so if you've not even being open and honest with yourself, how can you be open and honest with anyone else?

It sounds mad, but you're not ready for a relationship until you can be happy being alone.

Secondly - the best way to meet fellow gays is to be out. That works two ways - directly, and indirectly. Directly it means that people in the various groups and circles of friends you circulate in will know, and if there is another gay guy, he'll know, and he can then start a conversation and see where it goes. And indirectly because you'll find your female friends trying to pair you off with the gay friends of their friends!

You can't really wander up to random people on the street and ask them out as a gay man, so being out is vital to meeting people.

There there are of course the technological solutions like dating sits, but I'd steer clear of those TBH - they seem to be all about one-night-stands, and not at all about dating.

Best of luck!

B.

 

[Otage]

There there are of course the technological solutions like dating sits, but I'd steer clear of those TBH - they seem to be all about one-night-stands, and not at all about dating.

That is a very good warning. You may think it would be easy to find some experiences without even coming out to anyone else, descreet sex, well, to get you laid and boost your confidence. But there is great danger that it will damage your image about gays and gay sex. The worst sex partnes I've had are from Grindr and likes. The most narcistic-selfish lovers, that I've actually walked away during sex. And of course there are good guys, but lot who act like good day, looking for relationships etc., but after little banging you're out, and they don't have the guts to inform you about that. You will know, cause they won't answer any more, and that can hurt if you trust too much, too soon. Meet a perfect seeming guy, who says he looks for relationship, you have great time, then your just thrown away without noticeX_X

 

[buscandotwinks]

Guys thanks for the advice again.

It's still really complicated for me, because while I'm overweight and it saddens me, I'm still a guy who does not have troubles making friends.

My group of classmates/University buddies are mostly girls and gay men, I'm studying (well i was before coming to China) to be an English teacher and it's common knowledge down there in Argentina that most men that study to be English teachers are gay.

I met this nice girl we hooked up a few times but that was it, then we ended up being friends somehow. She introduced me to her group of friends and I started to go to clubs and "previas" (a period of time between 23:00 and 3 or 4 am where we get pretty wasted before hitting some clubs) with her friends. I met a gay couple (gorgeous guys) and another guy that was coming out. We started to talk (not about him coming out, he thought no one knew or think of him as a gay man but let's say that he is rather flamboyant) we hit it off and talked a few times afterwards, the thing is he didn't know I liked him and whether he liked me or not 2 months down the road and after coming out he got into a relationship.

So now I'm the only "straight" guy on the group and i slept with 2 of the girls in that group. I don't have any trouble hooking up with girls, even now I have this Chinese girlfriend, but I do not enjoy it, I can't tell for God's sake why I keep going out with girls when it is not what I want... Did anyone of you go through this at some point?

Thanks for everything again, sorry for my English, I really hope it was clear enough for you to understand

 

[Otage]

Before I came out, I used to go out with few girls, but it was usually that they came onto me, and we shared friends, so I "had to" be interested, or it would be suspicious But I usually got excuses to end them before sex, or was terrible drunk when had sex. Just glad I haven't got any babies from that time, since I was so drunk that using condom did often forget. Maybe you feel "sosially pressured" to act "normal"? I remember the feeling before coming out, but when I was determined to come out, it felt like some kinda confusing lock. It was hard to act or think of the situation rationally, it was so close to you.

And forget the link between being over-weight and gay, stop trying to solve those as one broblem. You can come out, get in shape if you want or vise versa.

And I feel you're getting close, I really do. This thing is obviously lot in your mind, and it's causing you distress. Don't force it, don't feel bad if you haven't done or don't do it this week, just let it savour, sink in. If you try to force it, it's like a trying to take dump before you have to go. Cause if you feel you have to act NOW, it will only add up the mental burden.

And your friends seem to be all okay with gays:thumbs up: My broblem was that I had few friends who also had gay friends, but I hadn't had the guts to tell them either, and was bit a shamed of that, felt like a little bit of pussy, but when I came out to them, their reaction was almost disapointing: I had waited for questions etc. but they were just cool about it. Was bit hurt how small thing it seemed to them And really, what do you have to loose if your friends are already okay with gay people? And I think you have lot more to win And you don't have to come out to all of them at the same time, start small, start off with one person.

 

[buscandotwinks]

And your friends seem to be all okay with gays:thumbs up: My problem was that I had few friends who also had gay friends, but I hadn't had the guts to tell them either, and was bit a shamed of that, felt like a little bit of pussy, but when I came out to them, their reaction was almost disappointing: I had waited for questions etc. but they were just cool about it. Was bit hurt how small thing it seemed to them And really, what do you have to loose if your friends are already okay with gay people? And I think you have lot more to win And you don't have to come out to all of them at the same time, start small, start off with one person.

Here you are hitting the nail big time. I have different group of friends. I grew up being kind of an athlete, used to swim 2 hours a day 5 days a week, but at the same time used to sink hours into video games, that got me into three groups of friends that 7 years later I'm still seeing. A big group of something that you can only see on a movie, im the youngest at 25 the oldest 35 everyone with their own problems and blesses, kids, job, broke whatever you can imagine we have it. These friends I cheered them a lot, if I hadn't met this guys when I was 14 or so I wouldn't had learnt how to talk to girls in the first place, I owe them big time in that matter and they are great friends. But they are also old minded, borderline homophobic and losing these guys it could be tragic for me.

My 2 best friends they are brothers and we grew up together, we have known each other for 14 years. While the oldest brother is a bit uncomfortable around gay people I think that he will be ok with me, plus we see each other once per year or so, he lives in another city is an accomplished engineer and I like to wander the globe. The younger brother I know for a fact will be ok because he has gay friends of his own.

My high school friends I like them we hang out now and then and while growing up it was great to have them I certainly could leave with out them (both groups the "nerds" and the "cool" people)

While my family is crazy big, my father's family is almost gone as my father (gone as in dead) I only hang out with a girl that we call each others cousins but we share like a 1/16 of our blood so we are nothing really, I know she'd be ok and it's the only person I care about on that side of the family.

Now the biggest problem here is my mother's family, It is big, like really big, my mother has 17 siblings,some of them died very young and some do not have kids, but most of them do have kids, some of those kids are on their mid 40s. And while I don't care about most of them my mother does, and they get together once or twice a year,and it kills me to think that if I do come out they are going to be really shitty with my mother (they already are out of jealousy so it can only get worst). And I know many people consider this stupid, that I should care about me on the first place then about my mother, but because my father died when I was 1 and a half and never got married again nor she brought a man to our house, I do not want to be the person who inflicts pain on my mother, she suffered a shit ton during her life and now that she is about to hit 60 I don't want her to suffer, and certainly I don't want to be the reason for her suffering.

Sorry about my English, thanks for responding, sorry about writing a freaking blog/diary, but I cannot push everything down my throat anymore.

This might sound dramatic but to whomever it reads, I seriously and happily thank you for spending time of your life reading about my problems.

 

[Otage]

You are blowing this thing out of proportion. Like I said before, start small, and let the fact that somebdoy knows sink in, and explore your feelings about the fact. Just one person to start with. And my parents don't know or my family, well they might have a inkling, but they could never accept the fact that I was gay, so we are close and I want it to stay like that, at least till I find someone I truly love. But everybody else knows. Besides family I'm totally out. If in bar subject comes up with strangers, I tell I'm gay etc. But I started by telling one good friend, who I knew(well, was pretty sure) would be okay with it, and didn't plan any further back then. Start small. Take the first step, and see how it feels, but take the tiny step when your ready. Don't get stressed about this.

Othervise you'll be stuck in this situation, this endless wondering 'what if', and there really are only two options 1. take the first small step 2. or forget about the whole thing. I really recommend the first one. It's not good to feel like you have to hide very important part of you from everyone. It's a big secret to carry all alone. And being gay doesn't determ what you are, coming out doesn't change you, you are who you are, but sexuality is so big part of life, of you. Your in prison which has been created by other peoples opinnions and what you think about the matter. You are the only one who can set you free.

I mean you can do it, just the first small step and then think about the matter more. F*ck homofobia, I'm not gonna let other people determ for me whether my love is right or wrong. And yeah like I said before, taking my first step I backed out many times, but I'm so glad I did it, told just that ONE person. It was a real kick start

And if you have separate friend groups, well does all of them even ever have to know? Old minded people can be suprisingly acceptable, but I wouldn't start the journey of coming out from the hardest obsticle. And cheating is always fine, you can just go around some obsticles, and grin mischievously:thumbs up:

How do you yourself feel about being gay? Are you ok with it? Are you waiting that other people will accept the fact before you can yourself? And to that, that one person knowing, accepting, can be a real big deal, you just need that first one who accepts you as you are

 

[Otage]

And may I add, you can't figure this whole thing out in advance. You can't know exactly what will happen, and now you will assume the worst bossible out come, like I and many other brolly have done. But I thought back then, that if I'm not good to someone as I am, well then I don't think he is truly my friend. And very rarely our worst fears come to reality. But if you fear, don't take the challenge, don't take the first step, you have no change of succeeding. And I never regret trying, checking all the cards no matter what the out come will be, I regret the times I didn't even try. And then we're back to 'what if, what could have' land. So no regrets.

 

[LPfan]

I think what Otage is saying, which I should also heed that advice as well, is to "Not think of failure when you haven't taken the first step." (I hope I said that right)

As far as losing weight, I'm in the same boat. Would I like to look like an Abrecrombie and Fitch model? YES! Will it happen? Probably not. Lol. Sadly, work kinda is taking over, so it's hard, but I think the best advice, although ALOT of people will hate it, is running 1 mile per day. Try to get some of your friends to help out too. I'm sure they'll pitch in and help you, guy or girl friends. I have a friend who's "coaching" me through everything. Although I haven't been 100% committed, I'm still doing my best. I compliment his physique EVERYDAY. He's a cocky bastard. Lol

I'm sorry I couldn't be too much help. I wish you the best of luck.
LP

 

[buscandotwinks]

Thanks to each and everyone, it helps a lot that the are people that do not know me but they would go out of their way to advice me. Many many thanks.

As soon as I make that first step I'll be posting on this forum

 

[LPfan]

Thanks to each and everyone, it helps a lot that the are people that do not know me but they would go out of their way to advice me. Many many thanks.

As soon as I make that first step I'll be posting on this forum

Keep at it, and best of luck mon ami.
LP