My boyfriend used to be a whore

[Widd]

Hello,
I’m not here for jerking off today, just to get some advice to make my life lighter. I’m in a new relationship with a guy I love from all my heart. I truly want to spend my life with him, and I know he wants the same too. But. Before him I had a few boyfriends, but I never did hookups because I just can’t do casual sex if I don’t have feelings. And I really don’t like Grindr and all these apps to get easy sex. For me. Not judging, anyone does what he wants.
The problem is, even though I know my boyfriend loves me, I can’t help thinking of the life he had before me, because I know he used to meet guys from those apps several times a week and all. I hate the thought that he had so many partners, and that in his Facebook, instagram, Snapchat accounts, there are reminders of these guys.
I don’t know how to feel good about it, do you have any advice to make me accept his past?
One part of me is also maybe worried that he won’t be able to be satisfied with only me and my dick for his whole life, after tasting so many different guys... This is another problem too, if you have any advice for proving me wrong, that would be appreciated!
Thanks!

 

[dargelos]

When you are buying a used car, there is no need to shy away from a high mileage model. The salesman will try to tempt you with offers on the super low mileage examples "only used it to go to church on a Sunday" These are actualy bad purchases coz they have been owned by someone with no real interest in looking after their motor. The high mileage driver is serious about his car so he makes sure it's well maintained. The fact that it has travelled such an enormous distance is proof that it has been reliable.
That's why I don't think you need to worry about getting a high mileage boyfriend. At least you can be certain that this one has been regularly serviced and fully lubricated.

That's enough of that analogy. A conveyer belt sex life is a lot of fun, it's also exhausting. I am guessing that your man has realised that he is not going to get any younger, and with each passing year, it becomes harder to find the energy to sustain the tom cat way of life. Settling down starts to seem more attractive. A life of love, with someone like you, is a taste, once aquired, that's even harder to give up than the taste of the thousand anonymous cocks that he is used to. To keep a love going for the rest of your life is not easy, there are ups and downs. The downs are more painful than you'd believe, trust me I've been there. A man who has been everywhere, done everything, is better qualified to support you when the going gets tough. If you want a man who won't walk away when doves cry, I think you might have found him.

 

[lhardwick69]

the past is the past--if he decides to change his life and make you his boyfriend for life--theres something about you that makes him want to be that man for you--dont worry about his past look at the future and things will be fine--unless he was like a serial killers or something but whore is a strong word--just because likes variety of men with dick sizes bigger smaller or so on doesn't make him a whore it makes him a man that likes what likes--I know as I was very active over the years but if ever met a guy that makes me feel like I am only one for him...id give up the other men in a heartbeat

 

[trencherman]

Going by the way you phrased your query, I’d say you look askance at the “tomcat way of life” to use Dargelos’s characterization. So though aging might slow it down, be wary. There’s a saying “when you marry a whore, you get a whore”. Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering what he’s up to every time you turn your back.

 

[havocs]

My advice to you is two-fold. First is to be honest to yourself about how you feel and WHY you feel that way. You make it sound that you are threatened by his past, are you? What about it bothers you the most, why? Think it out to yourself. :thinking:

Next is him, the heart is a weird device and emotions are meant to be fleeting, it is better to use your head and to look at his actions (specifically patterns). If his actions don't match his words then you have a problem. Don't let your desire for a long lasting relation cloud the reality of your situation.

Do you really like him, or do you like being in this type of relationship, why? Does he really like you, or does he want to be in this type of relationship.....why? :?

 

[RazzmaTazz]

As the guy that has had a lot of sex via hook-ups from Grindr and Craigslist for a lot of year, my advice would be to not sell him short. There is a time when I can see myself in a relationship with a single person to live in a committed relationship with. I used to meet guys several times a week too, and to go to sex parties, and go to the bathhouses. I still hook up a few times a month, and like to relax at the bathhouse once or twice a month now, but I also see myself making more lasting friends as well rather than just the one nighters.

I know that when (and if) I do get into a one-on-one committed relationship my past history is going to a be a question just like you have. But I think that it would just take some serious talking to and about it to make my partner feel comfortable with it.

I would say that you should talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. I think the worst thing in a relationship would be not tell your partner how you are feeling, good or bad. You have to know that you can trust him, and vice versa.

 

[Widd]

Thank you all for your replies, I must say I didn’t expect such deep replies on here. And it’s actually very helpful.
The thing is also I would love to talk about it, but I also think the time to talk about it is passed already. From the start, we’re both feeling a things we’ve never felt before, and we understand the word “soulmate”, even though it sounds really cheesy. And from the beginning those feelings were so strong that I thought I could accept his past with no problem, and we talked about it and I felt good about it. But lately, our relationship is even more amazing, but I was faced to what he sent to guys that he’s still talking to, and it was really dirty and it makes me really uncomfortable that he’s still talking to guys with who he had uncommitted sex with/with who he sent tons of nudes to jerk off, etc. If I mention this again I also know that he would feel that I don’t trust him - because I know that’s how it sounds, but it’s actually not about that. I know it’s only about me, and I know I need to find a way to accept this somehow, because I know he wants me for life.

 

[dargelos]

Sounds good. I think you're finding out that love trumps every other card in the pack. Whatever compromises you have to make, it's worth it, love, however much it costs, is the only truly worthwhile thing in the world.
Others may see things differently, but I say, the world would be a much happier place if we could all accept that love and sex are two separate things that must not be confused with each other. So what if he still has hundreds of numbers on his phone listed under sex, as long as there is only one listed under love. And that one is you.

 

[Stonecold]

I was going to say forget the past and go for it, but if he is still talking to so many of his X sex partners I have to agree with trencherman.

trencherman

There’s a saying “when you marry a whore, you get a whore”. Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering what he’s up to every time you turn your back.

There are way to many guys out there that are not tomcats.

 

[Shelter]

I was going to say forget the past and go for it, but if he is still talking to so many of his X sex partners I have to agree with trencherman.

trencherman



There are way to many guys out there that are not tomcats.

:agree::agree::agree::agree::agree:

 

[topdog]

...The thing is also I would love to talk about it, but I also think the time to talk about it is passed already.
... If I mention this again I also know that he would feel that I don’t trust him - because I know that’s how it sounds, but it’s actually not about that. I know it’s only about me, and I know I need to find a way to accept this somehow, because I know he wants me for life.

Here is what I see. You have it half right. Yes, this is about you, not him. He is being up front and telling you what is going on and what he wants. But the problem here is that you have have shut down the free flow of communication going from you to him because you are afraid of what you feel. You are afraid that your feelings will wreck the good thing you have going.

The thing is that your feelings and sharing them are what relationships are all about. This is the good stuff. This is what builds and cements two people together. This is why you put up with the annoying little habits and hurt feelings - because you have found someone who accepts you just the way you are and you can tell anything to. If your response to having to step out of your comfort zone is to pull back inside, then you will miss a lot of what life and love have to offer.

This is not a bad thing. This difference between you in experience and expectations and fears and hopes is not what kills relationships. Hiding your feelings and losing respect for your partner is what kills relationships. Don't go there.

The only time it is too late to talk is when you have broken up. Other than that, it is just a voice in your head trying to keep you away from connecting and being loved.

So now getting to the point - talk to him. Do the scary thing and be vulnerable. Tell him about your fears and insecurities. Tell him you love him. Don't try to protect him from your negative feelings - own them and share them.

The one thing to keep in mind when you share the stuff that is bugging you to always make it your issue - you own it. Don't blame him or phrase it as what he is doing wrong - that only makes people defensive and feel like they are being attacked. No, say things like "When I see you being sexy with so and so, it makes me feel that I am not enough for you and that I will lose you". Use language that says this is your problem and you are asking for help and advice on how to solve it.

And, hey - welcome to the world of relationship. You will be doing this a lot. It may seem like the exception now when things are all lovey-dovey - but wait until you are 3, 5, 10 years in. There are a hundred things where you feelings will get hurt, or you'll misunderstand something, or you'll realize that there is big gulf between you that you never saw before. You will use these same tools to talk about and share what if feels like to be in each other's skin and come to love and accommodate each other. So this is a habit you need to start working on now - when the scary negative feelings come - don't retreat in to your shell. Sit down and share and ask for help.

Relationships are only for the brave and the vulnerable. People who want to protect themselves and their feelings need not apply. Be brave and courageous.

 

[fb115]

Wow, reading this is very interesting. I especially enjoy @havoc's post. @Widd, I hope you get what makes you happy!

 

[Widd]

Thank you, all. And thank you topdog, I actually talked to him. He was a bit sad that my mind has this kind of thoughts, but I managed explaining that it was about me and not about him. And he really made me feel better about it indeed. I know we are in something really serious that is not similar to any relationship we both had in the past, and indeed, talking is the key to relationships. Even if it was on me, i had to get it out, finding a way to say it without hurting him to much, and at the same time without hurting me too much.

 

[collegedudes2009]

I think discussion with him is definitely the best solution. If you are wanting a lasting and healthy relationship, it is so important to make sure that you express your emotions to each other. Sometimes they will be moments of jealousy or sadness. Sometimes they'll be happy. But if you are wanting something lasting, you need to make sure that you're both there for all of the moments.