My Story

[gabades]

before I begin, i have to tell you guys, english isn't my first languaje, so... i apologize.
I didn't know where to post this thread, so if i did it in the wrong section, i'm really sorry.

Ok, my story:
I don't garantee that it will be interesting....anyway i just had to write it somewhere.
About my family-life:
Since i have concience, i've known who I am; gay. Never had doubt about it.
Absolutely nobody knows this about me, not even my family, beacuse, you see.. everybody in my family are very very religious people, and hate gay people. I know this because few months ago, homosexual marriage was legalized in my country (Argentina) and for several weeks everybody talked and commented about this law and all my family said disgusting and horrible things about gay marriage and gay people, and every time I listened, I felt a very bad feeling in my heart that, for some days i wanted to kill myself.
So, all my life i had to lie about who i am and it hurts a lot, not being able to be who I really am.

about my social life:
Because I had to lie all my life, i never met any gay people, apart from one particular experience with an ex friend.
I met a guy in my neighborhood, actually he lives in the next door. We were friends for a few years, but i don't know why, we started to see each other less and less until one day we stoped hanging out. a year from that day i recieved a text message from him telling me that he wanted to....give me a blowjob, when i read it i thought he was just joking, but he continued sending me messages, until i said, OK lets talk (I never told him i was gay, my intention was to be a good straight friend and convice him that he was confused ) but when i went to his home to talk, he was all the time trying to seduce me... so i ended up let him suck my dick (it was great ). So, after that we both agreed that we never speak about "that" day to anybody. after that day he started to send me every day messages to "meet" again...you know for what... and i never replied him...for 1 year... then i said OK lets do it again ( i couldn't help it ) but this time, i wanted to give him a blowjob, but he didn't want to. ok no problem. then, few weeks, again, but this third time was my turn, i really wanted to know what feels to suck another guy's dick, but again, he refused. This time i felt really used, bad, like a fucking toy. So...from that day ( i think it was in march of this year) he disappeared. I'm sure that he bloqued me from the chat-messenger, and never answers my messages. So i don't know why....what did i do wrong, i never denied him his "requests". the funny part is that from time to time i see him walking out from his home, and allmost always he acts like if he doesn't know me....or some times when i go out and i see him in the sidewalk he just says "hi" like if i were a complete stranger. did i mentioned that he has a girlfriend? yes, he told me, and some times i see them together walking. I know he's gay too, so i think he is with that girl only to pretend that he is straight.


The thing is, i'm 22 years old, virgin ( i really don't think having recieved a blowjob counts) afraid of being me ( wich is killing me) because i know that if i come out from the closet i will loose all my friends, my family, and i really hate the "look" of straight people to gay people, i think is the worst thing, when they look at you with eyes of difference. my head and heart is all messed up and i have my soul in constant conflict.
So....this is my story, thanks for reading it and i hope i didn't bored you.
Gabades.

 

[josh_the_hot_boy]

It takes strength you have to hold in there. I can't say what it's like to live in a religous home but I know about suicide it invades your mind controls your thoughts. Maybe your family wouldn't love you for who you are but someday someone will. You have to hold on you will find someone suicide is something I have thought about for a long time you just have to hold on it will get better.

Talking here helps we are all friends here just keep talking if you can send one message a day it helps us to know your okay atleast one a day.

We are all friends here.

All my love

Josh

 

[Almadel]

The only thing i can say is: live your life! Do you think they are real friends if they escape knowing you're gay? you can't imagine how many false friends I've lost for the same reason but you can be sure there is always someone ready to love you for what you are, also your parents. Don't allow others make you feel different because you aren't different, you're special!

 

[gabades]

thank you guys, just by reading my post you're making me happy. thanks for your words, i mean it.

Josh, i hope one day i find somebody that loves me for who i really am. And yes, it helps a lot talking about my problems and worries. thank you so much. I'll try to post more often.

bafm, i understand you, i wouldn't say my friends are false, just close minded, ignorants, like in my family, they hate gay people because they were taught and raised to, because, even that i live in a country that over the year has grown with tolerance and acceptance, there's a lot of racist people, a lot of close minded people and a lot of discrimination.
I'll try to follow your advices, but for me it's difficult, because it's really hard for me not to care about what others people think about me, or what they say about me, sometimes i can't help it.( this is a main reason why i can't be myself) But i know that if i live my life worried about what others think about me, i'll never be happy.

 

[richym]

Hi gabades,
Awww mate, I feel your pain. It is so hard to live knowing you are gay, and having to pretend to be straight all the time. It feels like your whole life is a lie. Well that is how I feel sometimes. I grew up in a religious family, while my parents, particularly my mother would probably accept me as being gay, amongst my brothers and cousins were always jokes about how bad gays are. And my church always taught me gays were bad and against God. So I hid it all away. I grew up, got married, thinking all those feeling would go away, but they didn't. My wife is the only one other than online who knows that I am gay. It is difficult to live every day hiding who you are. So I feel so sad that is what you have to do.
One piece of advice. It is easy for people to think bad things about a group of people when they don't know any one from that group. So it is easy for people to think all gays are bad, but when suddenly someone in your family is gay, sometimes people will rethink what they believe. Perhaps see if there is someone in your family who is more accepting, and you could trust to tell.
Otherwise don't worry mate, you are 22, you are still young. I think it is great you are still a virgin, and hopefully when you find the right guy, you can share that with him. I guess you just have to be patient.
The other thing I want to say is know that God loves you dearly. It doesn't matter to him that you are gay, he loves you, because you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are not a mistake. You are not a horrible person. You are a beautiful child of God, and he loves you. Never forget that please.

 

[whatthef__k]

Dear gabades,

I can literally feel your emotional pain. You have my deepest admiration for not collapsing under the weight that rests on your shoulders.

To my experience, prejudices al least partly arise from the fact that they are easy. Why making the effort to think through a complex problem when there is a simple solution that is morally accepted by a large number of people?! All these people simply can't be wrong... Can they? Prejudices are easy as they help to reduce uncertainty by identifying with social groups, which provide clear prescriptions for behaviors that are socially accepted by society. Thus, many prejudiced people just adopt a specific pattern of thoughts and behaviors because they are insecure. They don't know how to behave "appropriately" and simply accept the obvious.
But here's the thing: In my eyes, people don't simply happen to be prejudiced. We let them. We let them by not questioning the obvious.

I wish you all the strength in the world.
Allow yourself to be happy. You deserve it.

 

[Tjerk12]

Dear Gabades,
I admire your courage to discuss such a personal matter. And this forum is not a bad place to do so. When I was in my twenties (the sixties of the last century), the situation in my country, The Netherlands, did not differ from the situation you have to live in now. Maybe the percentage of religious people was in my country lower than in your country now. But the attitude against gay people did not differ. I think that I know exactly what you mean by taking the risk to lose your friends. I did not take that risk in my days and I really don’t know what I would do if I could do things over again. Actually I never felt the obligation to “come out”. My sexual identity is my personal matter. I am free to do what I want as long as it is not against the law. The countries that are based on Christian religion have a constitution that is mainly based on the Ten Commandments. I am not religious, but as far as I know none of the Ten Commandments describes homosexuality. So I assume there is on that point nothing to fear in your country. When you are young the need to be accepted is far bigger than when you get older. The main reason for acceptance is your personality. As a matter of fact your sexual identity is only a small part of your total identity. The fact that you have friends, good friends, means that they are pleased by your identity. They like you. You must be a nice person. I can not advise you how to handle with that part of your identity that may endanger your relationship with your friends. But by seeing it not as a secret but as a personal matter there is a change in situation. Secrets you do don’t tell. Personal matters you tell to friends when the situation feels right. Things improved in The Netherlands and gay people can live their lives in freedom now. But still there is no total acceptance, I mean in the hearts of “normal people”. Big things that changed the world, things that brought prosperity, were seldom achieved by “normal people”, but therefore we needed “special people”, like Einstein, Galileo and Leonardo da Vinci. Maybe that is our role, to be “special”, to open the minds of “normal people” and take down their blockades, so mankind can live in peace together. Nature, or God, whatever you like makes mistakes, but never on such a scale (10%). There is nothing wrong with you my friend.
A big hug,
Tjerk

 

[Eria]

Hi Ggabades
i live in a country that has a same condition like Argentina. similiar to these society is not low.the societies that can not call society.dictatories don't let their peoples freedom.it is difficult to explain.

Gababes write more.I am so glad to meet your thought

 

[richym]

Hey Gababes,
Just wanted to say if you want support, there are people who will be happy to chat with you and support you. I know I am one of them.