OMG!!! I need help!!!

[088888]

It's been a long while since I last posted here. Today I am really really so confused that I need someone who is able to give me some opinions. The story I'm telling is gonna be long so if u r not patient just skip to the last paragraph or just leave =P ( sorry for being so rude... )

So here we go. Just a couple of days ago I had a tiff with my boyfriend. He scolded me for not giving him a call when I backed home so late. Honestly, I felt quite touched and warm at that point that there's someone awaiting me at home and caring about me so much. But what about him? Even if he 's gonna late for home he also doesn't call back or leave me any messages noticing me. So why can't he put up with that in the other way round? After that day, the cold war began and lasted for a few days until yesterday....

Seriously I couldn't tolerate he didn't even bother to say a word to me and that's why I decided to take a revenge~~maybe spend a night outside. When he was in the living room doing his job I left home and slammed the door on purpose to let him know how discontented I was.

Actually, by the time I went down I started to feel regretted coz in fact I got no place to go. I am not that type of guys that can stay in the hotel by one's own.= =" So I thought perhaps just take a walk and get back when he's asleep.....

Somehow I wandered into a bar. I am not a drinker and actually I didn't mean to go in. Just feeling tired and wanna find a place to rest. But that didn't matter.... what mattered was I saw my ex-boyfriend. I sat down and the bartender turned to me and asked what I want. I was stunned at that moment. My ex is now a bartender. he asked why I was there and I just grinned and I didn't say anything. In fact I just wanna get the hell out of there immediately coz I found it so awkward to sit in front of my ex and drink. But it would be even more awkward I just leave without ordering anything. So I just placed my order and decided to "flee" right away after I finished my drink. However, when he handed me the beverage, he told me he's off soon and told me to wait for him...... and I said ok:worried:

I have to tell you he's a very cute guy. handsome, gentle, humorous.... I broke up with him becoz he cheated on me just a month after we kicked off. but it's over already. So he's out, he took me for dinner in a restaurant. We chatted a lot=] Things went pretty well except I tried it so hard to avoid talking the things between us back then. After all, he's as cute as the old days Then after the dinner, he walked me home ( so gentle!!!! ) When we arrived at my place I was about to say goodbye but he kissed me instead!!! Damn!! My heart was beating so fast and I knew that all my emotions towards this boy just gushed out again!!! I was speechless by that time and just said goodbye and went back up.

That's not the end. When I opened the door my boyfriend was sitting on the couch staring at the doorway. I was afraid he's gonna shout at me again. But this time he held me in his arms and asked where I went and told me how fidgety he was. How sweeeeeet!!! Actually sometimes my boy can really be so cute when he's not nonsense=P

However, u know what bothers me right now. I still love my boyfriend but frankly, I got a crush on my ex again. I know it's flip.... so I just wanna ask is there any way for me to forget my ex as soon as possible and any way for me to deal with it easily and correctly?? Plzzzz I reli need some help= ="

 

[alca]

Keep reminding yourself that he cheated on you and how it felt. Also, think about how lucky you are to be with someone you care about and cares for you.

 

[Tjerk12]

After that day the cold war began.....
Because of my age I am familiar with the cold war. A bad event. Two parties who didn't understand each other, or even worse, who did not want to understand each other. So there was no form of communication. Communication is the best start for mutual understanding. Physical attraction is important, but for a relationship it is more important that you share your feelings with your partner. Do not judge in a way "he is, he will think this or that", but simply ask him how he feels. Actually you bf did this when you returned and he held you in his arms and started talking instead of shouting. He seems to be nice.
Of course I am not able to give remote advise. It is your life. But my life learned me some lessons. Maybe sharing helps.
Love,
Tjerk.

 

[luke.rhineheart]

If it's a huge crush, maybe your head won't be clear enough to do some proper thinking But you should try the best you can.

Perhaps the first thing that you need to have clear is what do you want from a relationship. There are no perfect relationships. It may help you to think if you are happy with your boyfriend and if the relationship that you have can give what you both want. If it makes you both happy and complete, you should avoid thinking in your ex. If the relationship you currently have isn't what you want, you should either work it out with your bf or just move on.

 

[jw4833]

I had went through a similar situation when I was dating my first bf and he felt it was okay for him to come in late without any repercussions, but I was not allowed to do the same. What I did was sat in him down and let him know that if he wants me to check in with him, then he has to do the same because it made me feel as if he felt I should trust him but apparently, he didn't trust me. Then again, I'm the type of guy that would call your bluff especially with that kind of double standard demand. However in your case, I have to say that apparently you are not that in love with your current bf because for you to get all beside yourself when you ran into your ex bf and then preceded to go out to dinner and let him kiss you and on top of that, you described how you are beginning to have feelings for him again. Well, you need to come back down to earth because if you broke up with him because of him cheating on you, what makes you think that he would not do it again. In fact, just because you are having feelings for him, he could just be looking for an old time sake booty call.

With that being said, if you were really in love with your current bf despite what you two are going through, you would make the attempt to work it out to a mutual understanding and move forward. Not even your ex bf could come between you two if you are really into him. I have been in the company of a couple of my ex's while being with my current bf and although they would try to rekindle what we had in the past, I would not allow them to disrespect me or my current situation although I may have been somewhat flattered by the attention of an old bf and politely turned them down.
Therefore, you need to evaluate what is important to you and if you tend to not have strong feelings for your current bf, then you need to be honest with him and yourself and move on.

 

[topdog]

My friend, the deal with your ex is so far down the list of major relationship problems that you described, that I'm not even going to touch it.

The "why didn't you call?" tiff is soooo common, that I'm sure most of us have been on each side of it at one time or another. That is not even really a problem in and of itself, it's just a set of different expectations. The big kahunga problem rears its head right after that: the silent treatment.

Everybody has expectation adjustments, missed communications, misinterpreted signals, and even some scars from the past that are unexpectedly set off. This is what relationships are made of when two humans come together.

The elephant in the room is: How do you deal with these grievances when they come up? I think you fell into two (all too common, and, again, very human) traps.

• Maybe I did something bad, but you've done worse! Lord knows, I've done this so many times. Instead of dealing with the hurt feelings that are being put on the table by your partner, you defend yourself by dumping out a laundry list of things that he does wrong. This is also known as changing the subject. This never leads to anything productive. As a matter of fact, it's almost guaranteed to force each party into a defensive position, and hurl larger and larger accusations at each other - never really addressing the concerns of the other. (See Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf or The War of the Roses for an illustration of where this leads after years of resentment and disappointment.)
  
  But not everyone is like Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor - built for the big public go-for-the-jugular brawl. Some people prefer to take the passive-aggressive approach.
  
  
• The Cold War. Rather than confront each other (either constructively or otherwise), you and hubby chose to withdraw. Freeze the other person out. Let them figure out what is wrong and how mad or hurt you are. And if they don't react - well, that's just evidence that they don't really care as much as they say they do. It "proves" that your feelings don't really matter to them - or they would have the decency to fall down at your feet and beg forgiveness; so intense is the pain of losing day-to-day conversations with you.
  
  If you take a step back and look at this technique, you will see that all the conclusions are based on a lack of data and then ascribing (negative) meaning to the emptiness.

Then you top that off by leaving the house in a huff, (for no practical reason other your own hurt feelings), and, having no where in particular to go, ending up in a bar. (Naturally.) Where you see your ex and have a few drinks. (Of course.) And that leads to a kiss. (Show of hands - who didn't see that coming?)

Now, of course, we only have part of the story here, so actual conclusions really can't be drawn. But I find it notable that this whole thing started when your bf tried to communicate to you that your actions hurt his feelings, and it ends when he tries to ratchet down the accusations and silent treatment and indicate to you how much you mean to him.

In between those two points is a rather involved odyssey of destructive tactics and maneuvers on your part, (I mean, Revenge? Really? What is this - Gossip Girls?) all to avoid talking about how you feel (both good and bad) to him.

I know this is coming off awfully strong - but believe me everyone here has blundered through the exact same less-than-helpful reactions when we feel hurt, or defensive and don't want to wade into the mess of misunderstood feelings and, yes, having to confront our own shortcomings and resentment.

But look at what you've put yourself through. There is a shortcut through all the drama.

But this post is already way too long - maybe I should step back and let others talk about what has worked (or not) for them.

 

[777]

My five cents would be to avoid the ex altogether because it's easy to fall back on old tracks and he doesn't seem like someone worth breaking your current relationship for. Crushes come and go, especially during a long term relationship there's hardly a way to avoid them. And I don't think one should, it's only natural, and they can be used to spice your current relationship instead of letting them poison it. The keyword with your bf is communication, communication and more communication. Talk about your feelings, like topdog pointed out, that's the thing you haven't been doing at all. You both are trying to get the power balanced on your respective corners by accusations and withdrawing yourselves from each other. It never works in building a healthy relationship. Talk about your needs, listen to his and compromise.

 

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

It's been a long while since I last posted here. Today I am really really so confused that I need someone who is able to give me some opinions. The story I'm telling is gonna be long so if u r not patient just skip to the last paragraph or just leave =P ( sorry for being so rude... )

Was going to skip the whole thing but hey I had time to waste, Alex is sleeping

So here we go. Just a couple of days ago I had a tiff with my boyfriend. He scolded me for not giving him a call when I backed home so late. Honestly, I felt quite touched and warm at that point that there's someone awaiting me at home and caring about me so much. But what about him? Even if he 's gonna late for home he also doesn't call back or leave me any messages noticing me. So why can't he put up with that in the other way round? After that day, the cold war began and lasted for a few days until yesterday....

Tiff, couples, cold war... just normal. What isn't is that you don't know the way of thinking of the other person. I am just like your BF on this I will give a hard time to Alex if I don't know where he has been and whatnot but the opposite is not true, I will most of the time recall to call him to let him know but sometimes I will forget. That you feel hurt that he doesn't return the same politeness I can understand, but you've just stumble in the very same snake pit of "why not just asking him". Perhaps something troubles him and you don't know, I have a lot that troubles me (as a business owner) and Alex doesn't know but when he find the right time he will ask me... but he know not to do it in a pushy fashion. Relationship my dude is a difficult things not matter your sexual orientation because the matter and the fact is that you are two strangers who connect by a similar emotion, but one may be not as strong as the other or may be just different. JUST ASK and stop feelings so emotive... communication, communication and communication if you CAN'T READ NON VERBAL... ASK!!! you'll save yourself so much useless coldwars that often bring people to cheat, lie, hurt one another. Yeah he doesn't tell you where he was... might be a good subject for discussion... perhaps there's some thoughts about you hiding under a rock where he needs to know where you go and he doesn't because he knows he's coming back to you

Seriously I couldn't tolerate he didn't even bother to say a word to me and that's why I decided to take a revenge~~maybe spend a night outside. When he was in the living room doing his job I left home and slammed the door on purpose to let him know how discontented I was.

Revenge is a never ending game, you should have just talk with your dude... perhaps not right away and maybe go for a walk or get away from each other faces for a hour or two but don't call it revenge , because he'll have a revenge on your revenge and you'll have a revenge because he wanted to have a revenge for your revenge... will you even remember now what was the initial issue? Leaving home and slamming the door was pretty much your understatement that you were unhappy... I believe he got it.

Actually, by the time I went down I started to feel regretted coz in fact I got no place to go. I am not that type of guys that can stay in the hotel by one's own.= =" So I thought perhaps just take a walk and get back when he's asleep.....

If you are going to take a stand, keep it to the end... although you could have just talk to him. Sometimes we just don't see ourselves acting. That's why relationship is not just about SEX, we are in a way trying to make one another better for each other all the time. If I know I hurt the dude very bad I'll let him vamp first... and really what were you regretting? Weren't you right? He cares for you but you can't care for him... so unfair lol. I don't know if you understand what I am doing with you right now

Somehow I wandered into a bar. I am not a drinker and actually I didn't mean to go in. Just feeling tired and wanna find a place to rest. But that didn't matter.... what mattered was I saw my ex-boyfriend. I sat down and the bartender turned to me and asked what I want. I was stunned at that moment. My ex is now a bartender. he asked why I was there and I just grinned and I didn't say anything. In fact I just wanna get the hell out of there immediately coz I found it so awkward to sit in front of my ex and drink. But it would be even more awkward I just leave without ordering anything. So I just placed my order and decided to "flee" right away after I finished my drink. However, when he handed me the beverage, he told me he's off soon and told me to wait for him...... and I said ok:worried:

So I take there's no libraries or bookstores close to your place or in your area... if there's a bar near by I'd say there's a bookstore, a clothe boutique or another stupid place better than a bar. If I go in a bar no matter if I'm not a drinker (which I am lol and so is Alex), I go there for two reasons; have a drink and have fun with some strangers. That why I personally enter in a bar for... otherwise if you enter in a bar while your mad or worried, you are just taking a very bad stroll in the boulevard of broken dreams (James Dean). And now you met your ex, it could have been just another dude as well. When you are hurt the mind looses its rationality, and I'd say was it because your ex is a bartender or that you just sent him a distress signal about your own situation, did you tell him about your current relationship, if if you didn't WHY? If you don't drink, they serve something so quick in a bar it's called tap water, take it drink it apologize for not ordering something that you wouldn't enjoy and scram. No you stayed... WHY? You know start asking this question to yourself, why why why...why am I reacting like this? Why am I walking in a bar? Why am I talking to my ex which I left for cheating on me? WHY?

I have to tell you he's a very cute guy. handsome, gentle, humorous.... I broke up with him becoz he cheated on me just a month after we kicked off. but it's over already. So he's out, he took me for dinner in a restaurant. We chatted a lot=] Things went pretty well except I tried it so hard to avoid talking the things between us back then. After all, he's as cute as the old days Then after the dinner, he walked me home ( so gentle!!!! ) When we arrived at my place I was about to say goodbye but he kissed me instead!!! Damn!! My heart was beating so fast and I knew that all my emotions towards this boy just gushed out again!!! I was speechless by that time and just said goodbye and went back up.

So you have to tell us that he's cute so that would make us understand WHY you were interested. BALDERDASH little dude, I know you're young but (damn me) I have to say it: "one day you'll get it". As a non religious dude cheating is not a term I use in my relationship because I don't cheat my love to someone I lend my body to another person (now this is something that if you haven't been working in porn industry you'll never be able to apprehend completely) Alex's loves belongs to me, but Alex's body belongs to him, he's using it to show his love to me but he can also use it to do other things... will I feel hurt? Only if he tells me that he loved the other persons. Sorry it takes a long time to arrive to accept that your BF have sex with somebody else... but this is not the case for you. But I just wanted to point it out, the concept of cheating, adultery and faithfulness is purely religious. You chatted with you ex? What did you tell him? - "Hey dude just had a tiff with my dude, for this reason and this reason..." while you told him that didn't you see the glow in his face... even though he was certainly telling you how sorry he was for you? Your ex knew how to get to you and he did it again by lending a kiss upon you cheek or your lips was he trying to reach But the matter and the fact you should have not let this go for the respect of your current dude. And that my friend it is not being rude. CUTENESS does not explain his past behaviors toward you, CUTENESS doesn't buy love. CUTENESS doesn't last for ever, CUTENESS is not a reason to let it happen again. So what was your real reason for letting the chat go on and letting him kiss you on your door steps where a worried boyfriend was waiting for your return?

That's not the end. When I opened the door my boyfriend was sitting on the couch staring at the doorway. I was afraid he's gonna shout at me again. But this time he held me in his arms and asked where I went and told me how fidgety he was. How sweeeeeet!!! Actually sometimes my boy can really be so cute when he's not nonsense=P

Do you often talk seriously to your boyfriend without necessary have sex or do you guys only talk after having sex... you might learn something new about him if you'd both learn that sex is not a couple's therapy. What's nonsense to you may be a lot of sense to him... but how would you know?

However, u know what bothers me right now. I still love my boyfriend but frankly, I got a crush on my ex again. I know it's flip.... so I just wanna ask is there any way for me to forget my ex as soon as possible and any way for me to deal with it easily and correctly?? Plzzzz I reli need some help= ="

You don't need help, you need a reality check... the grass always seems greener the other side of the fence, until you find out that you're using top quality fertilizer on your lawn, and the seems greener lawn is just a small spot surrounded with burned grass. Want to forget your ex-boyfriend, start by reviving the pain he caused to you and think about the pain you're about to cause to your actual boyfriend. But you are a young dude, you'll be dwelling from a dude to another dude for quite sometimes since beauty and sex seem to be what attract you with dudes (just assuming not accusing ). Told you my dude is awesome looking but his beauty is only 10% of what I like of him... what do you love about your current dude?

 

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

But this post is already way too long - maybe I should step back and let others talk about what has worked (or not) for them.

Oh no you got it right on target :rofl:

 

[088888]

First of all, I have to say thanks to all of your opinions!!! They are really so potent and I've done a deep soul-searching to myself.

Seriously I forgot the tiff thingy right after he held me so tight in his arms. But just after that day, I lost my sleep for two nights. Whenever I closed my eyes, the scene my ex kissed me flashed in my mind non-stop. Actually my cell kept acting up these few days ( it's my ex of coz ); however, I didn't pick up the call coz I knew clearly that I love my present bf more and I wouldn't allow myself to fall on the old track again^^^^....

My bf saw that I gave up picking up the call these two days and he asked why. And I spilled the whole thing out. I felt so relieved after telling him all the things. And he's like " it's ok.... just cut the number and let me get a new one for you!!=]]]" God!! If it's that easy I should have told him earlier and that could save me lots of trouble and worries= =" But i'm now just afraid that my ex would show up on my doorstep once he knows I change the cell no.....

As a matter of fact, I did have a long conversation with bf on that night, that night I went out so willfully=P We talked and he made me promise him to remember to notice him whenever I'm gonna be late for home<3 yet I found myself so stupid not to make him make the same promise to me= ="....whatever....

Seriously I have to say thanks again to all of you... especially Jake and Topdog for being so analytical^^^^^^ You make me feel I'm not alone when I'm confused in my relationship

 

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

First of all, I have to say thanks to all of your opinions!!! They are really so potent and I've done a deep soul-searching to myself.

Seriously I forgot the tiff thingy right after he held me so tight in his arms. But just after that day, I lost my sleep for two nights. Whenever I closed my eyes, the scene my ex kissed me flashed in my mind non-stop. Actually my cell kept acting up these few days ( it's my ex of coz ); however, I didn't pick up the call coz I knew clearly that I love my present bf more and I wouldn't allow myself to fall on the old track again^^^^....

My bf saw that I gave up picking up the call these two days and he asked why. And I spilled the whole thing out. I felt so relieved after telling him all the things. And he's like " it's ok.... just cut the number and let me get a new one for you!!=]]]" God!! If it's that easy I should have told him earlier and that could save me lots of trouble and worries= =" But i'm now just afraid that my ex would show up on my doorstep once he knows I change the cell no.....

As a matter of fact, I did have a long conversation with bf on that night, that night I went out so willfully=P We talked and he made me promise him to remember to notice him whenever I'm gonna be late for home<3 yet I found myself so stupid not to make him make the same promise to me= ="....whatever....

Seriously I have to say thanks again to all of you... especially Jake and Topdog for being so analytical^^^^^^ You make me feel I'm not alone when I'm confused in my relationship

Well let it be a lesson for you. However, as Top Dog suggested next time you have relationship issues, both sides of the story should be provided. If you can take the time to come online and write a beautiful one sided story about an event that went off in your couple and need some advices, you also need to provide both sides, not just one.

So next time, take some time to write the other side of your story, if you don't know the other side, try to create one (put yourself in the other guy' shoes). By doing so, you will actually answer your own questions. When I read your post, I've felt like I was reading one of those "Oh so fucking bad and annoying" teenager's TV drama shows such as "90210". Since you're from Hong Kong, you may not know what's 90210 is. It's basically a zip code in in California USA and the show is a TV periodic about a crappy not realistic bunch of teenagers having all kind of dramatic issues that suppose to mimic teenager's issues of today.

As a teen I couldn't boot those fake stupid soaps (and certainly not that one) and was seeing those as a total waste of time (not even entertaining). It's hard enough to be a teen nowadays (and in my days), did we really need to watch a show with a bunch of teenagers performed by actors aged 30 years old that suppose to represent who you are from the viewpoint of a rich Hollywoodian perspective?

In shows like 90210; all guys are hot, all girls are hot. Where are the fat ones, where are the not so cute ones, where are the average ones, where are the confused bisexual teenagers, oh we can see the gay ones, they're the ones who already have boyfriends etc etc, of course, their boyfriends are all surfers-like looking with killer smiles, killer asses and killer shoes from Zara LOL. They have fax machines in their BMWs, and yeah obviously they all drive (none of them take the bus). They all seem to have so much money, as a teen I was raised in a wealthy family, but I still had to do some monkey tricks to even have a dollar to my name because dollars were all under my parents name, not mine. But you surely got my point about those stupid TV shows because you guys have the same in your country.

To be gay and in a relationship is a hard ship to sail today little dude, so for god sake if you have a boyfriend and you love him; work on your relationship, do not let any outsiders come between you two, and outsiders are not only the people who are close to you, those can also be the people from this board or from your Facefuck (facebook) Account, you must recall some individual on this board have tried to discredit the existence of my boyfriend after seeing a picture of him but did it do anything to our couple... HELL NO they can believe what they want, Alex is real, super cute and still super mine . So those shit disturbers achieved nothing else than stirring shit.

Your boyfriend seems to me to be the one with the authority figure in your couple, now what do I mean in this? In all couple and all groups there is always an authority figure, this is not something that you decide before you go on a relationship, it's something that just happens. Guess who's the authority figure in my couple? Me or Alex? You'd be surprised to know that Alex is, even though I tend to write quite often about me taking care of business and other very specific things, but Alex is the master of the house, he's also the master of our relationship... he ask, I do (when I do feel like it and if there's a good reason to follow).

Therefore next time don't wait for some drama to explode, emotion is an uncontrollable thing and when you you believe to loose control, you actually TAKE CONTROL. How is that possible? How is this possibly make sense? In an argument with someone you throw a very hurtful comment to the other person, and when you realize what you've done you tend to apologize saying that you lost control... this is normally what one would say. Did you? Did you loose control? NO you knew what you were saying and when you said it you were trying to take control, by telling this very word that shush the opponent you took control of the situation by hurting his feelings, and if that person is physically violent, he'll try to take back control by punching you in the face for what you said LOL. Pure human behavior. Think of that next time... but you know even though we know all this; it doesn't spare the fact that one can become very emotional anyway.

Good for you, that you fix it with your BF, now you know what you need to do... answer your darn cell phone and tell off this ex-boyfriend of yours... running away won't do anything, just tell him to stop calling you. If you're really not interested you should make him understand it. And do it in front of your actual boyfriend... you'll see the result

 

[brumuk]

the saying goes- once a cheater. always a cheater, DO 1

 

[088888]

Speaking of control, sometimes it's really so easy for me to lose my temper~~= ="especially when he complains me something that he has a double standard for himself!! Just like last time the tiff!!.V. But I'm now trying to learn how to think of his positive side when I'm just too concentrated on his negative side~~ Hopefully that helps the relationship between us lasts long coz actually I really love this guy^^^^

For Brumuk, that's why I just ignore his call coz I dun wanna get hurt again~~ and Jake, it's pretty hard for me to face him again becoz I'm scared that I can't control myself..... or he loses his control= =" So maybe just wait till it's over....

BTW, I know what 90210 is!!=]] The program is also played in HK and it's quite welcomed by those teenagers@@ but honestly I have no idea why they like it so badly as for myself the show doesn't interest me a bit...=]