Relationship Advice

[themanoftheland8]

Good evening all,

I am wondering if any of you who may have had some experience in relationships might be able to give me a bit of advice here. I've been in my first relationship for about a year and a half, and I am having issues with the sexual aspect... Or rather, the lack of it. As a bit of a background, I'm 22, and my boyfriend is 42.

Lately (the past few months) the sex has really faded off. We've had numerous talks about it, but even when we do have any type of sex, I feel like I'm asking a favor of him, as opposed to it being mutual... It totally sucks (no pun intended). Most times, he'll make excuses, such as that he's too tired, that his sex drive has diminished at his age, or that he's just plain not interested at that time.

Along with this, I do know he watches porn on occasion, which to me, shows that he still does have a sex drive, but that he's just not interested in sex with me. Whether that's because it's too much work, that he actually is too tired (or any of the other set of excuses), or that he's just not attracted to me anymore, I don't know. The other aspects of the relationship are pretty smooth overall, so I don't really have any complaints there.

So yeah, that's my story. Has anyone else been in this situation? If so, how did you handle it?

 

[jw4833]

I have a friend who had dated an older guy around the age bracket as yourself and he had the same issue as yourself. When speaking with him about it, he told me that he sat down and expressed his concerns with their sex life and suggested that they go to a therapist to seek some kind of answers or resolution. However, because the older guy was so strong willed, the younger one eventually wound up having an affair. I too had been in a relationship with an older guy when I was around your age and we had been together for several years. However, we had broken up this one time and I had gotten my own place in the process. He wanted to get back together and I decided that things would be on my terms instead of his.

I suggested that we started dating again. However, many times, he would call at the last minute to cancel or complained about being so tired that he fell asleep which prevented me from making other plans. Unfortunately, he kept up this same pattern and I made the decision that if he did not show up at a certain time, I have a back-up plan. Once he finally figured out that I was doing this, he began to do everything possible to woo me back into his life and he wanted sex all the time..and I MEAN ALL THE TIME....

With that being said, your bf should realize that you are much younger and pretty much very sexual to say the least. I want to believe that besides all the other aspects of your relationship with him that this had to be something of an important factor for him as well. Therefore, I suggest that you just be straight forward with him and tell him that in the sexual department that you are feeling very neglected and that you love him very much but by you two being men, he can't expect you to be satisfied with a null-void sex life. I hope my response has giving you some things to consider. Good luck..

 

[bernardo]

The above is good advice.
I've been on the other side of yr age equation, and it's not easy -- blush -- to keep up with a younger man. But it obviously is important to you and he is not holding his end up, so to speak, if he is also not willing to put your relationship first.
Just my two cents.

 

[tonka]

It's not uncommon for male couples to make another choice. They love each other but the sex isn't working.
An open relationship. You're more sexual...find a playmate. And if he values your sexual relationship, it may refocus his attention.

 

[cute-zozo]

I have a friend who had dated an older guy around the age bracket as yourself and he had the same issue as yourself. When speaking with him about it, he told me that he sat down and expressed his concerns with their sex life and suggested that they go to a therapist to seek some kind of answers or resolution. However, because the older guy was so strong willed, the younger one eventually wound up having an affair. I too had been in a relationship with an older guy when I was around your age and we had been together for several years. However, we had broken up this one time and I had gotten my own place in the process. He wanted to get back together and I decided that things would be on my terms instead of his.

I suggested that we started dating again. However, many times, he would call at the last minute to cancel or complained about being so tired that he fell asleep which prevented me from making other plans. Unfortunately, he kept up this same pattern and I made the decision that if he did not show up at a certain time, I have a back-up plan. Once he finally figured out that I was doing this, he began to do everything possible to woo me back into his life and he wanted sex all the time..and I MEAN ALL THE TIME....

With that being said, your bf should realize that you are much younger and pretty much very sexual to say the least. I want to believe that besides all the other aspects of your relationship with him that this had to be something of an important factor for him as well. Therefore, I suggest that you just be straight forward with him and tell him that in the sexual department that you are feeling very neglected and that you love him very much but by you two being men, he can't expect you to be satisfied with a null-void sex life. I hope my response has giving you some things to consider. Good luck..

i quote this
nothing more can be said

 

[XMan101]

I've known, and do know, couples who have been together for years and for whatever reasons don't have sex with each other anymore. Doesn't stop the love being there but it's agreed they can go out for casual sex as long as nothing is brought home and it is just casual. The fact they're so together in other aspects means that there is little danger of the relationships being destroyed.

This can't work for everyone, but for some satisfying the physical needs keeps the important parts of the relationship together.

 

[sergueibxl]

Lots of communication only would help. Maybe your partner is too tired, or is no longer attracted to you. This is all the difference between being together and having sex together.

 

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

I go along jw4833 advice too. My husband and I have 10 years difference... Now I know it's not a lot compare to you since I am still in the peak of my sexual life so I can keep up with him... but when he'll reach my age I'll be 46 which I don't believe it will go too slow but we did anticipate that at some point in our relationship one of us (mostly me) will start loosing the drive. While he'll still be that little sex maniac that he is. However there's one thing that is different... we don't lie to each other, I won't make up stories to save its feelings the very day I'll start loosing the appetite he'll know why. I love that dude so much that I'm even prepared to open the relationship, somebody else can rape his ass but his love will still be mine to keep. But we're not there yet, thanks god! And I'm not looking forward to it.

jw4833 is totally right! Be straightforward, beside not having sex to your liking, you don't want to start panting up repressed feelings of the person you love.

 

[XMan101]

I go along jw4833 advice too. My husband and I have 10 years difference... Now I know it's not a lot compare to you since I have still in the peak of my sexual life so I can keep up with him... but when he'll reach my age I'll be 46 which I don't believe it will go too slow but we did anticipate that at some point in our relationship one of us (mostly me) will start loosing the drive. While he'll still be that little sex maniac that he is. However there's one thing that is different... we don't lie to each other, I won't make up stories to save its feelings the very day I'll start loosing the appetite he'll know why. I love that dude so much that I'm even prepared to open the relationship, somebody else can rape his ass but his love will still be mine to keep. But we're not there yet, thanks god! And I'm not looking forward to it.

jw4833 is totally right! Be straightforward, beside not having sex to your liking, you don't want to start panting up repressed feelings of the person you love.

If you're lucky you'll be like me, I still haven't lost my drive at all, what I did lose, or gain, whichever way you look at it, is that I love being single, and casual sex is boring now and so much more worthwhile things to do, but my sex drive could easily keep up with you and it never really dimished I'm older that 46 (slightly) so you have hope

 

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

If you're lucky you'll be like me, I still haven't lost my drive at all, what I did lose, or gain, whichever way you look at it, is that I love being single, and casual sex is boring now and so much more worthwhile things to do, but my sex drive could easily keep up with you and it never really dimished I'm older that 46 (slightly) so you have hope

With a dude like Alex I better be like you... :rofl: During my BDay we kept disappearing from the crowd just so he could get a hand/blow job I believe he came 5 if not six time that day and we were at it again the next day with a friend of ours... he'll kill me LOL, but dying like that between his legs it's paradise to me :rofl:

 

[bigsal]

The friends who have preceded me, have already made a fairly clear picture of the situation.

I would add that it could be a drop of desire, although at 42 years is quite early.

In this case, the solution could be solved by a Andrology specialist.

 

[R_ver]

i never been in a relationship before,, so i don't know how to help you =(
but i wish the best for you =P

 

[777]

Therefore, I suggest that you just be straight forward with him and tell him that in the sexual department that you are feeling very neglected and that you love him very much but by you two being men, he can't expect you to be satisfied with a null-void sex life.

I'm just going to point out how sexist (like from the times of dinosaurs) you're being :no:

 

[XMan101]

I'm just going to point out how sexist (like from the times of dinosaurs) you're being :no:

Yes you're right actually , didn't see that.

I don't think it was meant that way though, it's just the wording

 

[777]

The porn-watching might actually be just related to his tiredness, if he just wants to get off quick no hassle, just to release stress, not a sign of him not wanting you. Talk, and if things don't get a solution, you have to start thinking one on your own

 

[777]

Yes you're right actually , didn't see that.

I don't think it was meant that way though, it's just the wording

Hopefully so... but as long as those kinds of things are thrown around in conversations that's as long women aren't recognized as sexual beings and "specialists" (all men) tell how it's normal for women to want emotional and financial security over sex while making sure women have no other options

 

[XMan101]

We don't have sexism here, just be tollerant of different cultures and languages .

Trust me, I'd stamp down on anything like that, as would all the staff here

 

[777]

We don't have sexism here, just be tollerant of different cultures and languages .

Trust me, I'd stamp down on anything like that, as would all the staff here

Hmm you're blaming me here for pointing out something

Privilege, check it

 

[themanoftheland8]

Wow, thanks so much for your guys' advice! I was totally not expecting such quality and awesome pointers and ideas.

We have talked about this a few times, and in the long run, I'd say that's definitely the way to go about this. It's good to hear that age 42 isn't the cutoff for sex drives I think the open relationship works for many, but probably is not for me, so I've ruled that idea out for now.

Regardless, thanks for all your kind words!