To The End Of An Era...

[Squallmuzza]

Essentially... me and my boyfriend broke up last night. We're still very much in love, but with him at University... we just can't function as a couple any more. Words can't describe how lost I feel right now. I just feel lost.... 2 years... and now it's gone... I wrote this at about 4am this morning, just based on how I felt at the time....

The lessons learned through life are cruel
They know how to hit you right
In the depths of your heart
Tied forever deeper still

2 short years of history working
To create in me a better man
Now torn loose from my moorings
Sailing lost with no direction

Emotions pounding deep within me
Yet I know our time has come
Heart battling brain yet
Logic no longer makes sense

I know that I've changed for the better
But the cost was my heart
How it will ever repair itself
Is a stretch of senseless logic

Thank you
It seems I'm stronger through my weakness
Yet forever will I dream
To sucb all over again

I will never forget what we had.
I know you hate public shows
Yet I need to tell everyone I know
That this is how I've grown

Goodbye to my love
Yet hello to my dearest friend
Your place in my heart
Never set to change

 

[smallsleepyrascalcat]

Oh squall, this is so sad but beautiful

I feel sorry for you, 2 years is a long time.

But head up my dear, an end is always a new beginning. :hug:

 

[Squallmuzza]

Thanks. This one is gonna take some getting over... We both changed each other so much. And for the better. We're still in love, but it just can't work right now.

I'm just... lost. I can't think what to do with myself... just keep going over and over everything in my mind, wondering if there was a thing I could have done.

I actually felt... normal with him. Like I was a normal person. My being gay was right, the things I did and said, however outlandish, was normal...

 

[smallsleepyrascalcat]

As you've maybe read I'm not a relationship-person.
So I have some difficulties to understand what goes through your mind.
What I can understand is that you lost someone, the feeling of loosing someone is not new to me, I've lost friends too, not lovers, but close friends.
Sometimes people change and then their relationship, may it be love or friendship, can't go on like before.
Sometimes, after a little time of absence, you can carry on at another level.
At this time be friends. Maybe after a little it will stay friendship or it will be something else. Don't loose track of one another or you might loose more.

Your being gay stays right and you will still act and talk normal. This is nothing that depends on others, it depends on you.

 

[Squallmuzza]

Yeah, I believe we're gonna try to stay friends as much as we can. But I wonder how feasible this will be due to how much it hurts...

And well, I doubt it'll happen again until he leaves uni, if at all. That's years down the line... And I feel he'll have changed by then, and moved well on....

And I know it's right that I'm gay to the extent of factuality. But I never felt right in that until I met him. I always felt like the odd one out. Blah gonna go wail and holler a little more. It helps haha.

 

[glamfunk84]

Sorry for your loss... :hug:

 

[Squallmuzza]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm scrabbling for every bit of support I can find to get through this right now.

 

[XMan101]

Breaking up after a long period, even if it is a mutual thing, is always going to be difficult. It's probably next best thing to suffering a bereavement, which in a way it is, certainly on an emotional level.

Was there no way you could stay together from a distance and phone and visit each other as often as you can until University finishes? I've had a relationship that started long distance, sadly it stayed that way , but we lasted about a year. The split was not caused by the distance but for understandable other reasons. It can work, especially if you are really in love, at least you know you're both there even if you can't be together.

How does he feel about things? Is he as upset as you are? If so then why not give it a go? There is no reason to split up just because you can't be together in person as often. Unfortunately remaining friends after a break up, for whatever reasons, can actually prolong the agony, as it'll stop you moving on and you'll be clinging on to the memory in the hope that things will return to as they were.

Things will eventually improve, I can understand, it's difficult to know what to do with yourself when you're so used to someone else around to do it with. Your heart & emotions will be all over the place, so don't don't deny yourself a few tears from time to time - it's the body's way of releasing all that emotion. It'll get easier as time goes on, just try & keep busy if you can, and although you might not feel like it, go out with a few friends, especially if it's friends who understand what you're going through.

*hugs babe You have lots of friends here xx

 

[AlSun]

I totally agree with X!

Why not try and to give your relationship a chance.

I know more than 5 couples which had to go through a long distance relationship and some even for more than 3 years.

I won't say it wasn't hart for all of them and I won't deny that here have been many ups and downs. It's a hard work keeping a relationship going when you only can see your partner once a week or even only every few weeks.
In the end one couple split up but all the others are still together and most of them are living happily together now.

I wish both of you all the best :hug:

 

[Squallmuzza]

He really needs to concentrate a lot of his time on his classes and being with the people at his uni. He has an amazing wealth of talent. I mean.... truly amazing. I've never known writing like his, I'm living in the certainty that he'll be famous some day for it.

There's no way I'm gonna let me fuck up his chances in life by distracting him. I care too much about him for that. He needs to make the most of his life.

I don't think it's really down to me whether we give it another try really. He is in a position where he can take or leave a relationship. I'm sitting here in the knowledge that it's gonna hurt more without him..

I'm a really needy person for him, my social interaction is at a minimum (due to lack of money), my job (which just pays the bills) is online based, so no help there... He has a mountain of friends and his time filled with work.. It's really going to be his choice. And I think he has made up his mind. 'not this side of uni'

I want to stay friends with him, because he is a truly amazing person. Sounds cliche, but he actually is 1 in a million. I've never known anyone like him. He is just instantly loveable, by anyone. He has a fan club at uni, people FLOCK to him. It's like someone turned a light on when he enters a room. He just oozes charm from every pore.

Quite frankly, I can see myself waiting, and waiting.... Seeing what happens when he comes home for christmas, for summer.... Maybe he will give me a call....

Hell, even wait when he goes on a break on his 3rd year. See if we can rebuild anything then....

Wait until after the 4th year, for the smallest chance that he will still feel for me. That I won't have felt the taste of his lips and the light of his smile for the last time.

We both did a helluva lot of growing up and changing together. Whether that change and growth will mean anything in the future, I guess I'm yet to see.

And hey, you don't need to tell me to let myself cry. I've hardly stopped on and off since I got off the phone to him that night!

But really guys, thank you for the support. Right now... I need it so damn much. I just can't get a hold of myself right now. Take back control... Talking about it with great people like you guys really helps me regain my footing somewhat.

So thank you!

 

[glamfunk84]

I am SO glad that it ended amicably because it would've been really sad if it had ended badly but I'm sure you guys are already at an understanding. Least there's still love between you guys so that's beautiful.

 

[Squallmuzza]

Well, in all honesty, we still haven't talked since. But I can only hope that will come in time. I think it's just all too raw for him right now. I, personally, would just prefer that we could talk normally again. Or to some degree of normality.

I just miss being able to talk over interesting ideas and theories with him. Having a SERIOUSLY intellectual conversation. It just all feels so wrong.... I don't believe in destiny or fate really, but I just feel like something has ripped out of it's moorings with us...

This wasn't supposed to happen...

 

[goejavin]

Hi Squall....I'm stunned and saddened. There's little more I can add to the many heartfelt comments you've already received, but just remember do NOT lose sight of the one person who should matter most to you...and thats YOU. If friendship or relationship/marriage is in your destiny with him, then it will happen. But don't make my mistake and forget that life must go on because before you know it, it will pass you by.

It's so apparent you are a fine gentleman, a loving person, a smart and sensitive guy (and quite the looker) and with those attributes, nothing but good will come, if you let it. As difficult as it seems right now, it will get better. Friends, family and us are here for you. Just keep smiling, hold your head high, move forward and things will work out.

 

[Squallmuzza]

Strike out the family part, but otherwise you're right goejavin =)

It's been getting a little easier day by day, but it just takes next to nothing to drop me down again. It's a pain in the arse when next to everything reminds you of them >_<

Thank you for your view and your comment. It's really and truly appreciated =)

 

[glamfunk84]

I understand Squall, letting go of something great especially love is really hard.

 

[Squallmuzza]

Stupidest thing is... I think what is hurting the most now is not talking to him at all. It's gone from happy happy can talk to him whenever and it's fine (Ok not precisely that, but not like rare contact) to... zilch. Nothing.

There's the fact that I don't have someone to say I love you to and be in love with.

But... I miss him. On any level. Just having a chat, being involved with him... It's weird not having the interaction with him, and it's irreplaceable because he's a really unique guy. One of about 2-3 people that really GETS me. Like knows when I'm being sarcastic, even when I type. Stupid things like that.

Can only hope he can clear his head a little and at least mete me out a little friendship line sometime soon to stop me going totally mental -_-'

 

[XMan101]

There's a great song that sums things up by Dusty Springfield called "Losing You". I can't help but here it while reading this.

The pain will pass, you just have to let it

 

[goejavin]

By the way Squall...a beautiful and poignant poem...don't lose that talent.

 

[glamfunk84]

@xman101, I was thinking about a Phyllis Hyman song: "Loving you, is it worth the pain of losing you? Losing you, is it worth the pain of loving you?"

 

[Squallmuzza]

There are so many songs that work so well for my situation that it seems laughable. Though saying that, I know I can't be the first guy to go through this kind of breakup.

Like... this one



But thankfully I'm starting to adjust now. It's killing me to do so, but it's do it or stay miserable for the rest of my life right?

As always, thanks for the comments.