Today I feel so bad

[JeroenS]

Hi all,

I am sorry to disturb you with my words but today I really feel bad, this is not going to be a happy story so if you close it now and return to the porn pages or jokes pages I will understand, no problem.

Today (24 december) 1993 (yes long time ago, I am getting old, I know) is the day I burried my first "husband" (we were not legaly married but in those days - here in the Netherlands- a marriage contract between gays was almost same as a marriage between straight couples).

Anyway, he was 37 at the time and I was 28, since then I dated and even thought of a second marriage* which almost happened, but unfortuntly my "supposed" second husband died in a car crash weeks before our wedding.

* in our culture (I am blue - Indonesian- living in Holland) marriage is a thing you do just ONE time so when second man died I thought it was something like a punishment since I wanted a second husband.

This morning I visited my mother, she is close to 80 now, we had tea but we did not talk about what happened 17 years ago, I know she misses my husband too (we often talk about him and sometimes she rememberes me about hings he said that I have forgotten) since he was as a son to her, but she did not or could not ask me how I felt today.

When my husband died I promissed him I wait for him, if the Bible is right and he should stand up from his grave (his believes), or in an afterlife (what we believe in) he will wait for me.

But as I get older it is getting harder to keep my prommise. I mean when I come home from work I would like it if there is someone there to listen to my stories, or if something happens to him I can be there for him.

Today I have my mother and other relatives (we have a strong family-but at same time when my mother does not talk who is left?) to talk to but 1 day I might be here al alone and what then?

Sorry to bother you with my thoughts ...

Take care you all ok?

Jeroen

 

[Sandrik]

But you will be not realy "alone" in the 21th Century, you will ever have all your friends around the world. Yes you can´t meet all of them, every day, someone you will meet personaly, BUT we are here, all times a day and we are all a kind of family.

So, don´t be sad, be happy, enjoy the day, look in the future. I realy think you can find a pub, a club, a party or something else where you can forget the sadness of the past and "have nice xmas days"

 

[bluebrat]

Jeroen,

Don't feel lonely because you are not alone. Like Sandrik has said, you have friends, families and relatives all over the world. You can share your feelings with people around you as well as your friends here on gayheaven. We all are listening

Btw, I am sure your husband will want you to be happy. So, chin up and celebrate the X'mas. Merry Christmas Jeroen.

 

[whatthef__k]

Hey Jeroen,

I want to start by saying that I completely respect your cultural beliefs... So I hope I won't offend you in any way by my post.

Personally, I think in a loving relationship there's a higher good than absolute loyalty. It's happiness.
If you'd had the chance to talk to your husband, what would he have said? Would he expect you to remain lonely as a proof of love? Or would he allow you to fall in love again?
To my understanding, falling in love again doesn't mean you'll simply replace him. Of course not. If you fall in love again, it'll be a different kind of love. I believe there's no reason why you can't keep him in your heart and fall in love again...

But in the end, it's you who has to decide... You know him best, and you know yourself best.
Allow yourself to be happy again... :heart:

 

[jeansGuyOZ]

Jeroen,
My (female) cousin lost her first husband through illness. They were both in their twenties, and they both knew when they were married that he had an illness that was life-threatening.

She married again, after a few years, and they appear to be happy - she is my age (61) and her second husband is a few years older. They have two wonderful children plus an adopted daughter. I think it's what her first husband would have wanted for her, and just because she married again does not mean she has stopped loving the first.

It's not for me to tell you what is right for you with your cultural background, nor do I know how I would act in your position, since I have never been through that experience. My head, however, tells me that you do not have any obligation to your former husband to remain unhappy for the rest of your life, and that socialising with other men, even possibly falling in love with another, is in no way betraying him.

 

[gcoyoty]

Dear Jeroen

After I read your topic completely.
I realize that somewhat that make you sad
it makes me fear & worry, too.

I'm not mean half-life but everyone
that's significant person someday
we were separated by death.


"...Love is come together with lose
If we love someone so much.
and someday we lose them
how can I live....?
and Is it possible for us
to stay alone with out love someone...."

Green words above were translated from
sentences of movie "the love of Siam"
I think it's basis fear of gay.

I always feel the future of gay is ambiguity
and dependence of surround person (asia view)

I want to tell you. In fact, that's you arenot
the most unfortunate. You still have opportunity
to change you life get out of sad and restart you self.

I'm from asia we collectivism not individualism like you
I'm not have much right to select my life goal
and difficult - possible to make gay relationship.

Although, I'm lack of experience about couple love
but I understand you feeling.


Good LUCK

I'm here for your Social Support.

 

[diklik]

Dear Jeroen
"...Love is come together with lose
If we love someone so much.
and someday we lose them
how can I live....?
and Is it possible for us
to stay alone with out love someone...."

Green words above were translated from
sentences of movie "the love of Siam"
I think it's basis fear of gay.

I believe that those words typify the fear of any person of any orientation who is uncertain about live after the loss of a loved one.

 

[darkjimster]

* in our culture (I am blue - Indonesian- living in Holland) marriage is a thing you do just ONE time so when second man died I thought it was something like a punishment since I wanted a second husband.

This is news to me because my grandfather was Indonesian and my grandmother is his second wife and as far as i know his first wife is alive and kicking.

But getting to your story your husband loved you i presume and if he loved you he wouldn't want you to be miserable so live your life to the fullest and find a new man to grow old with.

 

[Jawja]

I, too, respect your cultural beliefs and would not want to be offensive, but I cannot imagine that this man you loved and who loved you would have wanted you to spend the rest of your life alone. I have just turned sixty. My partner for the past 25 years will be 49 in a couple of weeks. I expect to pass before he does. I hope he finds someone else when I go.

My mother was 43 when my dad died. She grieved for a long time. Then she met a wonderful man who had lost his wife. They married and had a marvelous life together.

I wish you all the best. Life is just tough.