Unrequited Love Experiences: Views?

[package15]

Hello all I have looked at the FAQ's and rules but am not 100% sure if this is ok, but I am happy to have it taken down.

In 2013 I met someone at work who I fell in love with. It was not going to happen for many reasons but also I decided that it was unprofessional, although people at work do fall in love.

In 2015 I left the organisation. He left to move to another city to be with a woman. So you would think that was the end of it.

Early in 2017 I accepted a great job which is about half a mile from where I used to work. He moved back to my city and got his job back.

I wanted him so badly. I cried for two years. I loved him. Now, I am not interested. About two weeks ago I was walking to my work and he was outside it and I ignored him.

The issue here is this. I don't love him. I don't want to be with him. Yet he was very physically and emotionally abuse towards me. But he cannot understand why I don't want to be friends or even talk to him. I just don't feel the same way towards him now.

But also, I have been told I am being selfish and should be very nice to him. Errr he touched me in the workplace and kept telling me how he was doing so many women a week. At 49 years of age he is not growing up and I don't want that sort of person in my life, but was told to give him another chance by someone.

I just wonder too if anyone has experienced unrequited love and stalking on either side then you just don't do it to the person any more or the person who does it to you stops. That's what you want to happen. So why then would the person you loved and stalk that you gave up on years ago want to take up with you especially if he's 'straight'? I want nothing to do with him yet I am the bad one for telling him to leave me alone. Does not make sense.

Anyway if this is not ok to discuss feel free to take it down but this to me is rarely discussed. If you were stalked by someone you didn't love and they stopped doing it to you normally you would not have anything to do with them. Why would you question why they stopped doing it?

 

[topdog]

Thanks for posting - this is a great question for this section. You will find no shortage of advice here.

First of all if you are not in love with him, then that is that. No second chances required.

But what I think is happening here is that you are trying to protect yourself from abuse, either consciously or unconsciously. You are backing away into a defensive posture.

It doesn't sound from your description that you are actually now in any physical or emotional danger from this person. Whatever power he had once is now gone. That's good.

But that means that your defense mechanisms are going in to full alert when there probably is no need for them to do so. That is something that you may want to work on. You are still making him pay for what he did to you in the past. That's a lot of baggage to carry around if you are not actually being threatened. Just something to think about. You may be now capable of coming to an emotional place where you can interact with him on at least a very basic social level, where you can say "Hello" and genuinely wish him well.

But that is also optional. You owe him nothing. But I think there is something there you might need to let go of, and being physically faced with him again is bringing that to the surface. If you want to examine that it would be purely for your own benefit, not for his. You may be happier if you can let him go back to being just a person you occasionally interact with from time to time.

 

[package15]

Thanks for posting - this is a great question for this section. You will find no shortage of advice here.

First of all if you are not in love with him, then that is that. No second chances required.

But what I think is happening here is that you are trying to protect yourself from abuse, either consciously or unconsciously. You are backing away into a defensive posture.

It doesn't sound from your description that you are actually now in any physical or emotional danger from this person. Whatever power he had once is now gone. That's good.http://www.gayheaven.org/post_thank...2383-e82ae94d2e029c9c86548aa52347f8e92fb07098

But that means that your defense mechanisms are going in to full alert when there probably is no need for them to do so. That is something that you may want to work on. You are still making him pay for what he did to you in the past. That's a lot of baggage to carry around if you are not actually being threatened. Just something to think about. You may be now capable of coming to an emotional place where you can interact with him on at least a very basic social level, where you can say "Hello" and genuinely wish him well.

But that is also optional. You owe him nothing. But I think there is something there you might need to let go of, and being physically faced with him again is bringing that to the surface. If you want to examine that it would be purely for your own benefit, not for his. You may be happier if you can let him go back to being just a person you occasionally interact with from time to time.

Awesome Top Dog thank you :big hug:

I think the bit that resonates with me is what was brought to the surface by his reappearing. I cannot be happy with occasional interaction I don't want to see him. He uses the bike track which is just behind the college I work at but I am not worried about that.

The issue is just I think, and I did talk to a psychologist about this months ago before I stopped sessions, is that I have boundaries now. I didn't have them for decades.

People talk about boundaries and how their life will be better with them. That is mostly true. But it does mean being alone, it does not have to be, and it takes time to discern who to push away and who to keep, but for me limiting contact with many is fine and no contact with him.

Finally, I think part of anything in life, like relationships, giving up smoking, dieting and exercising, porn and internet addiction, gambling etc etc is that we make so much progress but we slip. That's when we have to pull out the cliche be nice to ourselves.

Unrequited love is in a way, not our problem, but it has ruled my life for decades. It just does not now.

Thank you for your online help :thumbs up: