24 still a virgin and never been kissed

[klevra]

hi

I have no idea what to do....i'm still in the closet (partially), i think i'm gay but was forced to tell a friend that i'm bi about a month ago, she ambushed me at a party when i was drunk and it just came out. I felt no relief if anything i felt angry i told her and now she knows alittle more about me. I hate people thinking they know me and thats why i don't open up.

I have never touched a boy but once a girl asked if i was gay at a club on a night that my drink got spiked, luckily I said no and then she just started kissing me very briefly and then she just walked away.

I have never had sex with a girl or a guy. I use to be terrified of catching something but now I realise if ever i become hiv postive i could still live a normal life.

I have anorexia because i used to be overweight when i was younger, i still hate my body and have never showed my bare chest to anyone.

I can't imagine being intimate i just freeze at the thought that i don't know if the other person is clean, std disease free and hygienically.

Also i'm hung up on a guy friend from highschool and can't seem to get over him, i still fantasize about growing old with him, i've tried not thinking about him which lasted one yearish but i find myself thinking of him when i wake up, brush my teeth, drive around, but groceries and then go to sleep. I have never met anyone that makes me feel the way he does.

I feel like a complete loser....

Has anyone ever had all these issues ever even for a brief time?

They all seem so connected in my mind, I feel like I have a reason for failing everything.

 

[c750dt]

If you don't find for yourself a way to be more secure about yourself, you'll never do better. You can't expect somebody to see more in you than you see in yourself. Be picky with who you may get intimate with. Avoid having casual sex just for the sake of getting laid. Instead of starving yourself, spend some time outside. Eat well but make sure you're active so that way you can be slim and have healthy body.

Maybe get a new haircut, and spend some time assessing your wardrobe. Do what you can to make yourself enjoyable to your eyes when you see a mirror. Looks alone can have a positive impact on self-esteem.

Everyone wants love but it's not easy to have. Try to work on yourself some, mentally and physically. Find a way to make yourself attractive to the kind of person you want.

 

[Fredric13]

Klevra,

I read your post hours ago and needed a little time to gather a response. You are not alone. I have felt a lot of what you are going through. So if only two of us have the same feelings and insecurities, well...at least that makes two of us, but I assure you there are more.

I have not met you and most likely never will, but I can say this--You are a beautiful person. I believe that and you need to believe that too. The gay community has put such a premium on physical attractiveness that it can be a burden. If we don't look like we walked out of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog we aren't worth knowing.

Gay men and women come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and ages. The happiest are those who are comfortable in their own skin. Make the changes you want and are comfortable with, but above all else--safe and healthy.

You posted here because you are ready to make changes. Anorexia is no light matter and something that's difficult, at best to deal with on your own. If possible, you need to talk to a professional counselor. If you live in a large enough area, the local Pride center or similar community organization will have gay friendly resources. In other towns, some therapists openly advertise the fact. Start looking. You want to be stronger, you want to be happy. There is no shame or weakness in getting help.

Tackle one issue at a time, the Anorexia with body image is a biggie and needs to be dealt with because it could kill you. Nobody wants that. If nobody else will say it, I don't want that. People love you and care for you.

It's not all sunshine and roses. Gay, Straight, Bi, Trans, everyone has issues and struggles. By sharing, we begin to understand, we aren't so different and go through similar experiences.

You are a beautiful person. You are loved. When you can love yourself, you will find love.

 

[AleXXX UK]

There are people 24, 34, 44, 54 etc who are in the same boat. You are not a loser. Try to relax and your confidence will grow and when it's your time you'll meet someone special. Life has surprises around every corner.

 

[XMan101]

I can't disagree with what's said, but what attracts you or anybody to another ? It's not just physical it's the prescence they have. If they give off a negative vibe you don't notice them.
You don't have to be the most over-confident person, that can also be a complete turn off for many, but you have to "like" yourself ! If you don't it shows and it creates a barrier.

You don't have to be good looking to be attractive! Remember that! Just relax and be yourself

 

[whatthef__k]

They all seem so connected in my mind, ...

I think they actually are connected.
That's why I'd like to second Frederic's proposal to ask for professional advice. Together you can try to untie this bundle.

 

[drsin]

Hey Klevra,

I've been through quite a similar situation to yours. I lost my virginity only at 23 and still am closeted. I totally fell in love with a friend of mine and it really hurt me, I could not get over this sentiment through the years, though I've learned to live with it after a long time. This lead me to screwing up with our friendship many times and now we are friends but not quite close and I still fantasize about him.

The first step to learning how to deal with this was coming out to a really close (straight) friend of mine. He was surprised at first, but gave me full support and advice. We often talk about these things like two straight guys would discuss their sexual lives.

After some time I realized I'd never have sex with this guy I was in love with (and neither with most guys who arouse me, since they usually are straight) so I decided to move on, found some gay guy and had sex. Everything went okay, but I still have problems meeting gay guys (I don't go to gay clubs or anything like that) and have not had sex in years. Deep inside I still want to be with someone who means something to me, I really can't get over this thing of meeting guys on the internet.

I don't know if I can be of much help since I am in a similar situation, but over the last few years I've learned to deal with this much better. Try not to dwell so much on being and old virgin, it doesn't matter to anyone but yourself. Also, if this guy you have feelings for is not gay then just understand that you have to move on, probably you will still want to be with him, but you should look for other opportunities.

 

[newage]

i sympathize with you more than you'll ever know. I am still in the same boat so, I don't have a sure fire solution. So far i started coming out to more people and being more open to others. I've had huge crushes, but they were mostly at the surface and I was able to get over them pretty easily. I can't tell you how to get over old crushes or fix to lose you virginity. But whatever you decide to do, i'd suggest baby steps....don't do anything drastic otherwise the change won't last long and repercussions could be devastating.

 

[topdog]

Here's what will kill you: bottling all this up inside; isolating yourself; trying to figure all this out for yourself.

This will move you forward: talking about what you really feel, what you fear, and what you want.

This is just a summary of what everyone else has said. You need a team on your side; and you have to be 100% honest with them.

• Talk to your medical doctor about your eating and how it connects to what you feel. This is a professional resource you probably already have access to - let him or her help you.
• Get a therapist. Your medical doctor may be able to make recommendations. Ask friends who are in therapy (or have been in the past) to ask their counselors for recommendations. At the very least you have to address how you feel about yourself and break the connection to (not) eating.
• Find a friend - at least one good friend in which you can confide. (Two would be better.) This may be a lot to ask if you don't already have such a person in your life. If so, make it a goal that you can work on with your therapist. But you need a support team.

If the professional help is more than you can afford (are you sure?), then you will have to find a less expensive substitute. Fredric13 mentioned a gay community center, which is a good starting point. Even if it's not specifically gay, there are usually organizations that can help people get some counselling or health service. A mental heath or gay hotline could give some local ideas.

The point is that you have tried to untie this knot all by yourself. It's not working. You need the team - someone in each of those slots. There is love and family and friends in your future. You can't see it from where you are. That's why you need people on the outside working for you - they can fill in what you can't see.

As for the lack of romance - people meet each other through parties, work, doing things together, and friends introducing friends. If you cut yourself out of the network, then the opportunities are smaller.

If your friends and acquaintances don't know that you are gay, then they can't help you make those connections. When you are in a group of people and you are pretending to be straight, you are afraid to flirt (because that might give away your secret), and any potential gay partners will walk right by you because they think you are attracted to women. They figure that they don't have a chance. You become sexually invisible. You are not available to women (because it just isn't going to happen), and you are not available to men (because they don't know that you're gay). That pretty much eliminates the dating pool.

But romance is not your top priority right now. All that can come later. You need to get your team, your entourage, your posse, whatever you want to call them. Don't worry about not going forward right now - you need to concentrate on not getting dragged down in that whirlpool.

When you find yourself in a hole, the first step is always the same: stop digging.

 

[richym]

Hey there,
Sounds like you are going through a really tough time, like many of us do. I think there has been some great advice given, and I will probably repeat some of it. I haven't been through exactly what you have been through, but have struggled with accepting myself. (I grew up thinking gay was wrong, married a woman and hoped my feelings would change, but they never have. I love my wife, but know I would be happier with a man).
I think one important thing is to find at least one friend, if not more that you can be open and honest with. For me those friends have been online. In my situation I can't just go to a friend here and tell them who I am, my wife is the only one around me that know's I'm gay. Find some people who will listen and support you. They can then hopefully help you to see the wonderful guy that you are. I am so thankful for the friends who have helped me to stop being so hard on myself.
I would agree with others that talking to a professional counsellor would be really helpful. My wife suffered from anorexia and a counsellor really helped her. It is ok to ask for help.
I hope and pray all will go well, and am always willing to chat if you need someone to listen.

 

[klevra]

Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I only clicked back on the post now, because I was trying to gear myself to hearing the most brutal honesty. I feel so overwhelmed with all the nice words in a good way.

@750dt - thank you for you reply, my hair has fallen out (not all of it) because of my eating disorder, but i do try and dress okay.

@frederic13 - thanks frederic, I have always thought that it is difficult not being great looking and being gay especially cause it snowballs from highschool and then affects the self esteem for some like me. I do want to make a change in my life for a few months now and hopefully I will.

@drsinn & newage - I too hope your situation gets better. Thank you for telling me you also have been through the same thing. Lots of people say its not a big deal being old and a virgin but they are usually the ones who have already had sex and have confirmed to themselves that someone out there finds them desirable. So i really appreciate it when you can say you are in the same or similar situation as me.

@topdog - you are right i can't see it from where i am, I have ended up pushing family aside for what i think they may do if i came out or told them about eating issue which is wrong, i know this, but i still do it automatically. I'm gonna just take your advice as gospel and trust you because i know i can;t see beyond a point right now which make me completely irrational and makes me act out irrationally as well. yea and i have eliminated the dating pool.

What i want is to be desired/wanted and what i'm most fearful is ending up alone. This sounds like what everyone wants and fears, its just for me it seems i'm not even in the race.

It might be a shit thing to say but I do feel better in knowing that i'm not the only one in this specific situation. I don't wish this for anyone but for along time i thought for sure I'm the only one who hasn't been kissed properly as yet.

I totally hear everyone when they say deal with issues first before trying to have sex. I think i can better see it; because i don't have self confidence and good self esteem it makes it impossible to meet a boy and i suppose my low self esteem is as a result from my eating disorder.

I am trying to recover from anorexia by myself. Its not easy to just tell someone about it, to me its scarier to tell someone about my eating disorder then that i'm gay because once its out, chances are I won't be able to continue practising anorexia and i'll have to lie more which is already difficult.

Every now and then I see the brighter picture and get what i need to be doing but eventually that enlightened view disappears when I start obsessing slightly.

I am gonna try my best and seek out some help maybe I can do it in such a way where no one else knows at the beginning and then slowly when i'm comfortable I'll tell people to try and get a support system. I am tired of being hungry and exhausted of worrying. I am gonna block out the all virginity thing at the back of my mind for now. But thank you again everybody because this was something that made me feel very pathetic and unwanted and i guess all hope is not lost in finding a partner.

My mom once told my sister, when my sister was 20yrs old, my mom said "ohhh so I must have been pretty when i was younger, because look how pretty you are and i'm your mother." It sounded like my mom only then realised that she (mother) was pretty which is sad because it was so late in her life. I don't want that for me.

I think i can go on and on,
Thanks again, i think i can sleep easier.

 

[Fredric13]

Hugs :heart:

 

[topdog]

... i don't have self confidence and good self esteem it makes it impossible to meet a boy and i suppose my low self esteem is as a result from my eating disorder...

I think that it's probably the other way around. The low self esteem is the cause, and the anorexia is the symptom. But this symptom is so damaging that you have to get help so you can work on both at the same time.

I am trying to recover from anorexia by myself. Its not easy to just tell someone about it, to me its scarier to tell someone about my eating disorder then that i'm gay because once its out, chances are I won't be able to continue practising anorexia and i'll have to lie more which is already difficult...

I think we all feel like that sometimes - we want to hide the imperfections and just show people the good part of ourselves. We are all afraid that we will say too much, or people will see too much, and all the stuff we've been keeping in the closet will just spill out and our friends, family, and lovers will realize that we're really a mess.

But, you know, it usually doesn't work that way. When we let people in and talk about the bad scary stuff, they usually draw closer. They see that you are being vulnerable, which is a huge sign of trust.

Look at what happened here. We don't even know you, but everyone's instinct was to step up and give whatever help we could - even if it was just saying "I've been there, too." We didn't want to run. We wanted to circle the wagons and protect you. If strangers react like that, just imagine how much more the people who know and love you will react.

I am gonna try my best and seek out some help maybe I can do it in such a way where no one else knows at the beginning and then slowly when i'm comfortable..

If you wait until you are comfortable, you will never get there. This is going to require stepping beyond your comfort zone.

Let's say you had a friend who was addicted to drugs, and you wanted him to get help. And his response was 'Yeah, you're right. I need help. But just let me wait until I get my life together." That moment will never come.

The time to get help is when you're down. True, that's also the hardest time to ask for help - when our life is so messy.

Please talk to someone as soon as possible. Call an anonymous hotline, if you have to. They will listen to what you have to say and not judge you. And they can put you in touch with other groups or counselors that can join your team.

And keep writing here. We're on your side.

 

[HettoreConti]

Honey, your story is my story and the story of many gay guys out there. I do believe everything has been said here, but I do have to stress the fact that you need to see a psychologist as soon as you're able. Make a list of all your problems and tackle them one by one. It'll take years probably, so start saving up those coins. Don't expect a miracle, this will be one of the most difficult and weary tests of your life. Persevere and stay focus. You'll make it. The more the mind, the heart and the body suffers, the more the soul comes to life. The more mistakes, the more the wisdom and so on.

I hope you have the strenght to survive yourself. Do remember you are NOT alone in this pain. Many people have overcome such obstacles and they've found a meaning to life. I can only imagine you are a sweet, caring, sensitive person with a golden heart. You've suffered quite a lot for such a young man, but your life can begin anew anytime. Granted, it's easier said than done, but it's not impossible. You need to be as strong as you've been so far and reach out for help. Don't let your demons get the best of you.

I'm not the praying sort, but I will keep you in my most inner thoughts. Wishing you the very best. Don't you dare to give up. We have too much to grieve as it is.

HUGS :heart:

 

[down_the_street]

HettoreConti is absolutely right.

FWIW, I was a virgin until I was 28 (I was morbidly obese and then lost so much weight I was technically underweight about a year later) and I was so consumed about losing it that the first experience was a letdown. A random hookup with a guy who actually apologized for his poor performance by saying, "Hey, it was my first of the day." After that, I had my big coming out, six-months-of-wild-monkey-sex summer when I was sluttier than a porn star. Again, empty.

Don't be in a rush. Sex is fun but the first time will ALWAYS stay with you. Don't throw it away.

It gets better.

 

[richym]

I hope and pray all goes well for you. And I hope you know there are people here who will support you.

 

[klevra]

hi

Thank you so much for the support everybody, I know it can take an effort to have compassion and empathy. I feel so proud to be gay with all these responses.

@topdog - thanks for taking time to write again. Yea i agree i always had low self esteem and it just came out through my eating disorder. I've had it for about three years now consistently but on and off for highschool. I regret so many missed opportunities in high school and varsity. One of the reasons i think i have low self esteem is because my parents live together but don't talk to each other. They go through cycles, they speak for 6 months usuallly and then have a fight and don't speak for three years then again 6 months etc... since i was in prep. But right now they are hitting the two year mark but i think this is gonna be forever. I kinda act as messenger for each other, they walk past each other but don't say a word, they are completely fine with it and i think i am now. My dad was complaining about my mom to me last night and this morning he messaged a tiny apology for making me the "victim". I felt so relieved its the first time he has apologised ever, it is very little and very late, but i truly feel relieved. I feel so different i don;t have this nagging issue anymore. The worst part i think is i can;t tell this to anyone, cause they would kill me for airing "dirty laundry".

This family life i think made me kinda uncapable of being intimate/close with someone even family, friends or have a boyfriend. I was always making friends then dropping them before we got to close so that it wouldn't get weird for me. I know its wrong but it makes me feel comfortable, but as you said i need to get out of my comfort zone.

I have started dropping hints about food issues, i wish one of them would just force me, but i realise i have to do it. I never thought of it as a drug addict thats basically want i am in reverse. I have never thought of myself like that. I have never thought it was serious but that could be me blocking it our of my mind. Sometimes when you are such disfunction you don't know what normal is, my hair has fallen out, my heart hurts and i often am dizzy, I don't mean this in a poor me sort of way just I've never thought this was wrong. Like when I was younger i thought most parents when they fight don't speak for a year or so until i asked my friend.


@hettoreconti - thank you for saying that i'm not alone, i don't discuss love life with any of my friends in case they ask me something so I didn't really know if I others were in my situation. I think you are right i am gonna make a list, no matter how long it will make it easier to deal with one by one. It just horrible rehashing up old miserable memories but i suppose they come up more often if they are not dealt with.

@down_the_street - i know what you mean, it was so hard being overweight, and for the feeling of restriction was the worst. I never thought i had a weight issue cause I was a really good swimmer when i was younger and was thin, then my mom forced me to stop cause she wanted me to be clever and compete with my cousins instead of sporty which she told me, and i wanted to make her happy, so i stopped but kept eating like i was swimming and then just piled on the weight but i still thought like a thin person, until finally it hit me that i wasn't looking like other boys which just make me eat more.


Thank you everybody for your advice, if there is one thing i know is that when i don't know something always take advice from others. So your advice is really appreciated and won't be wasted on me. I wish i had posted years ago about this here.

 

[ring]

OMG, You are exactly like me , same age , same issues , is funny how you can find someone with the same problems , this exactly who i feel right now , and is very hard, because at this moment, I don't have a job so is even worst , i really don't what to do with my life , in all the aspects, personal , professionals and familiar are a mess, i really apreciate be part of this page , i don't have a lot real friends, i have a couple of friends who know that i'm gay , but i think , i don't want to lose more time , the life is so short to waste it .

 

[c750dt]

Buy a bag of Klondike bars, an inflatable Snooki doll and some bottle rockets. I'm sure you can figure something out from there.

 

[Otage]

I agree with topdog. And I know you want love, who doesn't, but I think you should really focus on your self first. I sometimes blame myself too much for all that is wrong, or hate everyone (including myself), that's when I know it's time to love yourself and give yourself time and for a moment not give a damn about crushes or future. Just fallback to regroupThink what's wrong and try to fix it.