5 Things Happen To Long Term Couples

[W!nston]

Science says these 5 things happen to couples who have been together a long time
BusinessInsider | By Erin Brodwin | May 18 2015

Being with someone for a long time changes the way you see the world. It also changes you. Everything from how you act to the way you think shifts in ever-so-slight ways.
And according to Joshua Wolf Shenk, the author of "Powers of Two," these tiny shifts are also the catalyst for a different kind of thought process — a shared mind, so to speak — that allows couples (romantic or not) to come up with more creative solutions to problems than they'd ever think up on their own.

Here are some of the signs psychologists have observed that they say characterize such a shared mind.

1. You and your partner develop your own private language.

Ever get a text from your significant other that means absolutely nothing on its own but carries a certain significance that you can't quite explain?

This "insider" language is one of the first signs that the two of you are operating in sync, writes Shenk. According to a study from University of Texas professor of communication Robert Hopper, secret communication accomplishes two things: First, it helps deepen your bond — romantic or platonic. Second, it establishes a unique, shared identity.

Private language can include everything from inside jokes to nicknames, writes Ohio State University psychologist Carol Bruess in a study of romantic couples. Bruess' research suggests a link between how often partners use these private words and how satisfied they are with their relationship. Bruess found that the more often couples used secret words and phrases, the happier they tended to say they were.

2. You stop self-censoring.

The way most of us speak with strangers, acquaintances and even close friends is markedly different from how we talk when we're alone with our partner.

When we're with others, most of us "self-monitor." That is, we try to please the people around us by adapting our behavior to suit theirs.

But when we're with an inmate partner, we let go of this pattern of behavior and instead "talk fluidly and naturally," Shenk writes. In other words, we stop having to constantly check ourselves before we speak. We're more candid and more open.

Many of the pairs Shenk talks to in his book have such a relationship. University of California Berkeley psychologist Daniel Kahneman, for example, tells Shenk: "Like most people, I am somewhat cautious about exposing tentative thoughts to others." But after he'd spent a few years working with his research partner, cognitive psychologist Amos Tverksy, "this caution was completely absent."

3. You start to sound alike.

In addition to having their own private vocabulary, long term couples eventually "start to match each other in the basic rhythms and syntactical structures of their speech," writes Shenk.

Part of that is a result of a phenomenon that psychologists call "emotional contagion." Basically, when two people spend enough time together, they begin to match each other's speech patterns. We mimic everything from the other person's accent to the amount and length of pauses he or she puts between words and sentences.

There's some evidence to suggest that these changing speech patterns can even serve as one indicator of how long a couple might stay together.

Part of a 2010 study of language use among couples that looked at couples' text messages, for example, found that when two people "sounded" more alike (in terms of the words and language structure they used in their messages) they were also more likely to still be dating three months later.

4. You start to look alike.

In his influential 1987 study, psychologist Robert Zajonc found that there's a very obvious reason that married couples start to look alike: They use the same muscles so often that, over time, they start to mirror each other.

This coordination of movement isn't accidental, says Shenk. Instead, it "reflects what psychologists call a 'shared coordinative structure' which includes how we harmonize our gaze, body sway, and the little mannerisms and idiosyncrasies of how we speak.

5. You have a bunch of inside jokes that no one else thinks are funny.

Research suggests that couples are more likely to mirror each other's body language — which in turn makes them look alike — because they're drawing from a wealth of knowledge that only they share. This "insider info" — all of your shared experiences and memories — informs your gestures, posture, and the words and phrases you use with each other.

A 2007 study, for example, found that people were more likely to copy each other's eye gaze when they'd both heard the same background information before their conversation.

SOURCE

 

[dargelos]

I'll go with 1,3,4,5.
With 2, not when your husband is emotionaly fragile.
I have to avoid upsetting him in a way that I dont need to care about with joe public.

 

[Otage]

I'll go with 1,3,4,5.
With 2, not when your husband is emotionaly fragile.
I have to avoid upsetting him in a way that I dont need to care about with joe public.

Aww! You're so considerate Sounds so sweet.

 

[jw4833]

I have to say that I do find some of these to be true now that its out there...1,3,4, and 5...although a lot of what we did together was not done consciously...I do find this to be amusing because I recall this one time that me and my late partner went out on the town and we were dressed all formal and when we stopped by the club for a nightcap...this guy made a remark towards us saying that we were dressed all cute like twins. I had assumed at the time that he was being a "hater"...but then I remember going to a family function now and one of his family members had mentioned how well in tune we are with each other in regard to the way we dress, talk to each other, etc. So...yeah....some of this I do find to be accurate to say the least.

 

[gb2000ie]

I'll go with 1,3,4,5.
With 2, not when your husband is emotionaly fragile.
I have to avoid upsetting him in a way that I dont need to care about with joe public.

I was thinking the very same thing!

 

[W!nston]

Shenk: "Like most people, I am somewhat cautious about exposing tentative thoughts to others." But after he'd spent a few years working with his research partner, cognitive psychologist Amos Tverksy, "this caution was completely absent."

This quote from item #2 is interesting. The self-censoring of thoughts in conversation seems related to observations and ideas of the world outside of the intimate pair. That is to say we would not be intimate unless we had moved passed the personal differences between us.

I understand what you are saying dargelos and I totally agree. I am always considerate of my partners feelings. I have accepted his faults as he has accepted mine. There is no need to bring them up except on the rare occasion we are having a 'conversation' if you know what I mean, lol. But when we are talking about our views on life, friends, food, music... all things outside our relationship... it's a no holds barred discussion. Whereas to be honest I do self-censor when talking with friends or strangers. It's human nature to do so. I think we all do it. That's one of the great advantages of having a trusted partner to confide in. That's another reason Gay Marriage Equality is a big deal.

I hope my point was clear. I tend to ramble sometimes

 

[W!nston]

I agree FG. However I know now and have known in the past couples who sound alike, look alike and have private jokes. Whether they self-censor or have a set of keywords and phrases would be something only they would know for sure but I think it is safe to say they did.

I'm surprised you and your mate have none of these adaptations after 25 years, You don't have any keywords or private jokes after 25 years? We knew a deaf couple in Philadelphia who had their own set of signs only they knew and lots of private jokes and they couldn't even speak fluently - they could speak some but much of it was hard to understand at first - later on it became easier to understand, lol.

My partner and I are often taken as brothers by strangers. We look that much alike... although I'm better looking he has the best body - still built like a wrestler... mmmmm... lol he does 50 one-hand push ups on each arm and 100 sit-ups every morning then he works hard all day with his mind and his muscles. I love him so much he is perfect in every way... and he loves me above all others.