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Am i still the straight guy's exception?
- Thread starter bxriz221
- Start date
Dear bxriz221,
I don't know if things have changed since your original post, but I'd like to put in my two cents.
When I was in my early teens, I fell in love with Marc, the younger brother of my best friend at the time. Although Marc declared himself to be straight, he was very affectionate towards me as well as sexually curious, as young boys often are. As he and I spent more and more time with each-other, our friendship got more intimate and eventually also sexually active. That relationship lasted (in secret) for almost a year, until he decided that he wanted to pursue relationships with woman. He declared his everlasting love for me, but also made clear that his sexual orientation lied elsewhere and made it impossible for him to continue being intimate with me. Our breakup was devastating for the both of us and it took me many years to get over him. I learned from that experience that sometimes a straight man may indeed fall in love with the personality of another man, that is to say, love him truly for who he is, and that this love can bring about a strong physical attraction. I also learned that, unfortunately, the physical attraction will not last, ultimately reducing their relationship to the platonic. I don't have to tell you that this is especially grievous for the gay party involved.
You will not be happy pursuing a straight man.
Nevertheless, it is probably best to be open to him about your feelings. This is scary and will change your friendship, but if it is strong enough that friendship will come about for the better. Two years ago I fell in love with my (gay) best friend. I suffered in secret for a very long time before I finally fessed up my feelings for him. He was very understanding, but did not feel the same way about me. This made me decided to avoid contact with him for several months. It took time, but I got over my feelings, and now we are closer friends than ever before. It seems to me your friendship might benefit from the same openness.
Also, who knows where else this openness may lead? If he is not as straight as he claims to be, you might end up in a more intimate relationship with him. If he is straight, than at least you both have clarity on the issue. Just remember that if he is indeed straight and does not want to be in an intimate relationship with you, you have the right to demand respect for your boundaries. He should not put out confusing signals and lead you astray any more, because such behaviour is nothing but selfish, hurtful, and damaging -- and therefore inexcusable.
Good luck.
I don't know if things have changed since your original post, but I'd like to put in my two cents.
When I was in my early teens, I fell in love with Marc, the younger brother of my best friend at the time. Although Marc declared himself to be straight, he was very affectionate towards me as well as sexually curious, as young boys often are. As he and I spent more and more time with each-other, our friendship got more intimate and eventually also sexually active. That relationship lasted (in secret) for almost a year, until he decided that he wanted to pursue relationships with woman. He declared his everlasting love for me, but also made clear that his sexual orientation lied elsewhere and made it impossible for him to continue being intimate with me. Our breakup was devastating for the both of us and it took me many years to get over him. I learned from that experience that sometimes a straight man may indeed fall in love with the personality of another man, that is to say, love him truly for who he is, and that this love can bring about a strong physical attraction. I also learned that, unfortunately, the physical attraction will not last, ultimately reducing their relationship to the platonic. I don't have to tell you that this is especially grievous for the gay party involved.
You will not be happy pursuing a straight man.
Nevertheless, it is probably best to be open to him about your feelings. This is scary and will change your friendship, but if it is strong enough that friendship will come about for the better. Two years ago I fell in love with my (gay) best friend. I suffered in secret for a very long time before I finally fessed up my feelings for him. He was very understanding, but did not feel the same way about me. This made me decided to avoid contact with him for several months. It took time, but I got over my feelings, and now we are closer friends than ever before. It seems to me your friendship might benefit from the same openness.
Also, who knows where else this openness may lead? If he is not as straight as he claims to be, you might end up in a more intimate relationship with him. If he is straight, than at least you both have clarity on the issue. Just remember that if he is indeed straight and does not want to be in an intimate relationship with you, you have the right to demand respect for your boundaries. He should not put out confusing signals and lead you astray any more, because such behaviour is nothing but selfish, hurtful, and damaging -- and therefore inexcusable.
Good luck.
Askani
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Been there... suffered that... Like 2-3 times. You guys had a good mood going on, the problem with a "gay for one" is worse than dating a bi guy though. It can be either a now or never situation where u JUST HAVE to take the first chance (the sleep over that u refused) or he'll run, since it's an exception he can just move on with his life with the girls and the friendship WILL be enough for him, believe me -.-. Since he was getting confused he could just convince himself to snap out of it b4 he actually fell in love. It's really rare to run into another situation after it cools down as well, u can always use jealousy but it can backfire terribly, and even if u say that you're a guy too(like, it's ok to be his friend but u have needs just like him) he can really freak out instead of going along with it. Distance helped once in my case but only for an one night stand that pretty much screwed up everything... Do try to keep in touch all the time u can, I do believe u might have something good there, even if he tries to keep his cool now. I forgot... on the other hand if u DO manage to make him fall for ya, it might last a while... no other guy will do for him after all, right? "Kind of" following the posts b4 mine, u DO know what he wants, he on the other hand cant figure it out, u cant really expect much out of him since he'll be acting like a dumb straight guy... It's not like he's being an ass on purpose.
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logan222
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My advice might not be the best, but I think you should not try to pursue a man like Jeff unless you are okay with an open relationship. If he is a "straight man whore," it's very unlikely that you two will ever have a happily ever after story. It sounds like he's sexually curious, but don't ever assume he's ready to be exclusively gay for you. If you already get jealous at him sleeping with other women, you'll never be happy with a man like that. Even if he stops being who he is (a straight man whore), do you think you would really be happy with yourself knowing that you are holding him back from being what he really is (straight, or if anything, bisexual)? The problem is that it seems like you are trying to fantasize that maybe you and Jeff will end up in a happy gay relationship, but with a bisexual or straight man, that's never the case.
I think that's happened to almost every gay man - falling in love with your straight best friend. It happened to me too. We've been friends since second grade, and we're still the best of friends after college. I've sort of always had a crush on him. There was a period where he would joke around about us being gay, and it would excite me and lead me to fantasize about the idea, but if you're really best friends with a person, you know that they're really not gay if that's the case...and with him, that was the case. I knew the feeling would never be reciprocated. I still like him. Unfortunately, I think I might love him, but I always try to just suspend those feelings in the air. The best we can do in cir
stances like these is just wish the best for those who are great enough for us to fall in love with. That's what I've done. He started dating a girl really early on in high school. At first, I was naturally jealous and I tried to steer him away from her, but as I got to know her a bit more, I realized that she's a great girl and that she'd definitely make him happy. I'm good friends with her, and I'm glad for him to have someone as great as her. Now, I've constantly done all that's within my grasp to keep them together when other people try to break them up or stir up controversy...even though I'm still madly in love with him. You really just have to come to terms to what's best for those you love. Sure, I can tell him that I've loved him maybe even subconsciously since we were children, but that wouldn't really help anything. It would, if anything, make things awkward. We would probably just say that everything would be fine and slowly drift apart. His friendship is more important than my own urge to have him the way she gets to. Sure, that doesn't mean I don't fantasize about it every now and then, but I've gone beyond thinking it's something that would ever work out. I have him now as a great friend; he's straight, so that's all I can ask for.
Don't try to get caught up in this whole "maybe I'm the exception" mumbo-jumbo. It's amateur gay fantasy at its best. Sure, maybe you can be his gay experimentation guinea pig, but if he has sex with women, chances are that his attraction to women will not evaporate suddenly into nothingness. If you're okay with being someone who is attracted to women or who might leave you for a woman, then go for it, but it sounds like you deserve someone that can give you more of a dedicated devotion. Jeff doesn't sound like that guy. Let him fly and let yourself fly higher - lingering to this feeling is just going to keep you trapped in the bird cage.
Moral of the story - if you really know and love Jeff, you'll do whatever you know is best for him. Unfortunately, that usually means suppressing your urge to have him. Let Jeff have someone that can truly make him happy. Even though your feelings for him will probably linger for a long time, just wait it out. One day, you'll find someone that's right for you - someone that's ready for you! You deserve much more than a man that might just probably be curious enough to explore an untouched region of his sexuality with you.
Regardless of whatever you do, I wish you the best. I hope you don't lose him as a friend.
I think that's happened to almost every gay man - falling in love with your straight best friend. It happened to me too. We've been friends since second grade, and we're still the best of friends after college. I've sort of always had a crush on him. There was a period where he would joke around about us being gay, and it would excite me and lead me to fantasize about the idea, but if you're really best friends with a person, you know that they're really not gay if that's the case...and with him, that was the case. I knew the feeling would never be reciprocated. I still like him. Unfortunately, I think I might love him, but I always try to just suspend those feelings in the air. The best we can do in cir
stances like these is just wish the best for those who are great enough for us to fall in love with. That's what I've done. He started dating a girl really early on in high school. At first, I was naturally jealous and I tried to steer him away from her, but as I got to know her a bit more, I realized that she's a great girl and that she'd definitely make him happy. I'm good friends with her, and I'm glad for him to have someone as great as her. Now, I've constantly done all that's within my grasp to keep them together when other people try to break them up or stir up controversy...even though I'm still madly in love with him. You really just have to come to terms to what's best for those you love. Sure, I can tell him that I've loved him maybe even subconsciously since we were children, but that wouldn't really help anything. It would, if anything, make things awkward. We would probably just say that everything would be fine and slowly drift apart. His friendship is more important than my own urge to have him the way she gets to. Sure, that doesn't mean I don't fantasize about it every now and then, but I've gone beyond thinking it's something that would ever work out. I have him now as a great friend; he's straight, so that's all I can ask for. Don't try to get caught up in this whole "maybe I'm the exception" mumbo-jumbo. It's amateur gay fantasy at its best. Sure, maybe you can be his gay experimentation guinea pig, but if he has sex with women, chances are that his attraction to women will not evaporate suddenly into nothingness. If you're okay with being someone who is attracted to women or who might leave you for a woman, then go for it, but it sounds like you deserve someone that can give you more of a dedicated devotion. Jeff doesn't sound like that guy. Let him fly and let yourself fly higher - lingering to this feeling is just going to keep you trapped in the bird cage.
Moral of the story - if you really know and love Jeff, you'll do whatever you know is best for him. Unfortunately, that usually means suppressing your urge to have him. Let Jeff have someone that can truly make him happy. Even though your feelings for him will probably linger for a long time, just wait it out. One day, you'll find someone that's right for you - someone that's ready for you! You deserve much more than a man that might just probably be curious enough to explore an untouched region of his sexuality with you.
Regardless of whatever you do, I wish you the best. I hope you don't lose him as a friend.
And your right about doing wats best for him and him finding someone to make him happy but how do I deal with the hurt for so long? Like it shouldn't apply to him since he's straight but it hurts a little that I wouldn't be able to make him happy
logan222
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It sounds like him moving away to college is pretty recent. Trust me, time and distance do wonders to emotions. Try meeting new people that are viable options (i.e., gay men). Jeff will probably always be a lingering thought, but it's just a fantasy. Lingering will only bring about more hurt. Sure, I still like my straight best friend, but it's no longer this "I love you so bad and it's killing me that I can't have you" sort of feeling. Once you know that the other person is happy in life (because of his cir
stance or because he found a good girl to make him happy), then that should be enough to at least make you feel happy that he's happy. If that doesn't make you at least happy enough to cope with your lingering feelings of love/urge, then you probably didn't really love him in the first place - maybe it was just lust. So, for now, be his friend. Be there for him, and as a friend, try to help him out with what he really wants. And if you're really as close of friends with him as it sounds, you should be able to know what that is. Once you see him with someone he likes (most likely a girl), you'll be jealous and devastated at first, but later, you'll just be happy to know he's found someone to make him happy. With love, that's really all you want for the other person. It gives you a good sense of closure, and even though you probably will have these feelings for a very, very long time, at least you'll be able to move on.
Again, I wish you the best of luck. Any update on what's happened with the two of you?
Askani
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I do agree with Logan to some extent but... Happily ever after isnt something you should be concerned while u're still so young, I mean, u guys are about 18-19 now I guess so it's too early, even if he was gay too. At that point (wasnt that long ok? >_>) I was concerned more about not having regrets or growing up with that "what if...?" thought. But that's me ofc, as much as I loved someone at my 17-20y/o I knew it wouldnt be forever so I just enjoyed what I had, while I had.
