Hey guys just started 'coming out,' finally. Am in mid 20s anyone else out there with any stories if u came out in ur mid 20s would be cool to hear about. I'm taking the approach of telling friends first. I'm trying to figure out should i just tell ppl one on one or in one big group....suggestions?
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Any thoughts on coming out in ur mid 20s
- Thread starter holler23
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gb2000ie
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I came out at 24, so I think that counts as mid-twenties 
I chose to do it in stages, and that helped me build my confidence, starting with just one close friend, and ending with family. I was in college at the time as a grad student, so I was lucky enough to be a long way from home (which makes coming out in stages easier), and in a pretty open environment.
In the end I decided not to tell my family until I was dating someone seriously, at that time I felt it was relevant, until that point I didn't think it mattered that they know what gender I wanted to date.
Good luck!
B.
I chose to do it in stages, and that helped me build my confidence, starting with just one close friend, and ending with family. I was in college at the time as a grad student, so I was lucky enough to be a long way from home (which makes coming out in stages easier), and in a pretty open environment.
In the end I decided not to tell my family until I was dating someone seriously, at that time I felt it was relevant, until that point I didn't think it mattered that they know what gender I wanted to date.
Good luck!
B.
E
etilit
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you started so keep going...they talk anyway..soooooooo lol
so keep going...they talk anyway..soooooooo lol
topdog
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Here's some perspective. Coming out has two phases, and each requires a different approach. However regardless of the phase, the reason we have to come out is always the same: people assume that you are straight unless you correct that assumption. That default is so ingrained in 90% of the population that they aren't even aware that they are doing it.
If you can get a hold of this whole coming out process as primarily being about correcting a faulty (but understandable) miss-perception of your friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances - then you can step into the mental/emotional understanding that this isn't about you. Your worth, values, loyalty, morals, friendship and love aren't on the table. This is about them. You are doing them a favor by turning on a bit of light so they aren't stumbling the wrong way in the dark.
But, back to the phases. They are:
First steps: Changing direction / dealing with the past
This is where you are right now. You have all these people who are close to you and these relationships were built assuming that you were straight. Now you have to talk to these folks and unlock that door that you have kept closed off and invite them in.
Then you have to explain why it took you so long to trust them with this information. Depending on the closeness of he relationship, an apology might not be out of line. But be sure to tell them something about how you came to your present understanding. Recount a milestone or two. It's very important to include how these events made you feel. Let them get a better picture of your emotional roller-coaster as you had to process this new understanding about yourself without any help from your normal support system.
Yes, it's scary and intimidating. But everything I've mentioned is a relationship building and healing tool: opening yourself up and being vulnerable, asking for help, acknowledging that they have earned your trust and apologizing for being less than forthright in the past. Unless your friends and family have some dogmatic issue with homosexuality, this approach will probably deepen those relationships. For some it may be just the first step in that direction - they will have to move through their own process to completely deal with this. (Be patient. After all, how long did it take you to put the pieces together and accept this reality about yourself? Give them time.)
Maybe there are some (I hope not too many) on your list who do have objections to homosexuality through principle or prejudice or both. They will have a hard time with this, and may even react badly. In those cases, remember these three things:
A final note on this phase - you asked about the wisdom of personal conversations vs. getting people together as a group and telling them. This is just my opinion, but I see problems with the group idea. First of all, in this initial phase you only need to tell the people with whom you are closely connected. Everyone else can hear it second hand, or from you - whatever comes first. Continuing that thought, if someone is close enough to go on that "must tell" list, then they deserve to have you all to themselves as they get and process this news. I think they may feel cheated or bypassed if they are lumped in with a group. And lastly, a group announcement makes you the center of focus - it becomes all about you. When, as I said above, it really is not. It's about giving them the time and courtesy of getting the whole story from you and you holding their hand (metaphorically) as they work through their own feelings.
If you can get a hold of this whole coming out process as primarily being about correcting a faulty (but understandable) miss-perception of your friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances - then you can step into the mental/emotional understanding that this isn't about you. Your worth, values, loyalty, morals, friendship and love aren't on the table. This is about them. You are doing them a favor by turning on a bit of light so they aren't stumbling the wrong way in the dark.
But, back to the phases. They are:
- First steps: Changing direction / dealing with the past
- The rest of your life: Constantly setting people straight (ha-ha) when they make wrong assumptions about your sexual orientation. This is all about actively engaging people in the present moment, so you don't have to go back later and do a Phase one type explanation / apology for letting them believe something about you that was not true. I won't say more about that here unless someone requests that info. You have your hands full right now with Phase 1 issues.
First steps: Changing direction / dealing with the past
This is where you are right now. You have all these people who are close to you and these relationships were built assuming that you were straight. Now you have to talk to these folks and unlock that door that you have kept closed off and invite them in.
Then you have to explain why it took you so long to trust them with this information. Depending on the closeness of he relationship, an apology might not be out of line. But be sure to tell them something about how you came to your present understanding. Recount a milestone or two. It's very important to include how these events made you feel. Let them get a better picture of your emotional roller-coaster as you had to process this new understanding about yourself without any help from your normal support system.
Yes, it's scary and intimidating. But everything I've mentioned is a relationship building and healing tool: opening yourself up and being vulnerable, asking for help, acknowledging that they have earned your trust and apologizing for being less than forthright in the past. Unless your friends and family have some dogmatic issue with homosexuality, this approach will probably deepen those relationships. For some it may be just the first step in that direction - they will have to move through their own process to completely deal with this. (Be patient. After all, how long did it take you to put the pieces together and accept this reality about yourself? Give them time.)
Maybe there are some (I hope not too many) on your list who do have objections to homosexuality through principle or prejudice or both. They will have a hard time with this, and may even react badly. In those cases, remember these three things:
- If they are in your inner circle, then they need to have this information. How they take the news is their choice. But whether they like it or not, everyone needs to be starting on the same page with all the facts.
- There is nothing you can do with these people to make it go well. There is no "good day" to tell them. There is no right mood to set or words to use to make it more palatable. They will be upset if you tell them today, upset if you tell them next week, and upset if you tell them next year. So, don't drag your feet. Man up and go do it. If they are close to you , then they need to get the news from you rather than through the grapevine.
- Finally, keep this thought going on through your head: "This anger / sadness / upset is not about me. This is about them. I'm just the one telling them the truth." Then, let it go. They are free to react however they please. And you are also free to walk out the door if you feel that you are being abused. The good news is that for about half of these homophobes, your conversation will be their first step down the road that will eventually end with understanding and acceptance. Give them that chance to start their journey - even though it will cost you personally.
A final note on this phase - you asked about the wisdom of personal conversations vs. getting people together as a group and telling them. This is just my opinion, but I see problems with the group idea. First of all, in this initial phase you only need to tell the people with whom you are closely connected. Everyone else can hear it second hand, or from you - whatever comes first. Continuing that thought, if someone is close enough to go on that "must tell" list, then they deserve to have you all to themselves as they get and process this news. I think they may feel cheated or bypassed if they are lumped in with a group. And lastly, a group announcement makes you the center of focus - it becomes all about you. When, as I said above, it really is not. It's about giving them the time and courtesy of getting the whole story from you and you holding their hand (metaphorically) as they work through their own feelings.
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SophieSweets
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Yep... that post of Topdog's could well be a 'Sticky' or whatever it is...
VERY useful...
VERY useful...
S
Sinnerr
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Read this thread: http://www.gayheaven.org/showthread.php?t=15476&page=33
there are few good posts about forum users comming outs, mine too.
Some universal advices (by my wiew):
- first tell it realy good friends and family (if you know that they aren't homophobic)
- select who is so important for you that you want to tell it him/her face to face
- for others try use gossip (telling it to more people in one moment have to be stressful)
- don't worry or sad or scary if someone will not be ok about it, simply kick homophobic people out of your life! left them! and don't be sad about it. BUT take it slowly too. Remember that you needed quite long time to take it to understand it and so on... distinguish who is shocked only and who is against homosexuality
I think thats all what I can writte at the moment, if I'll have new ideas I'll write it...
Edit: small correction of first point - first tell it someone who is very probably gayfriendly, It should be someone who has some friend or co-worker or family member who is gay or lesbian. Or someone who listen to Elton John, Freddie Mercury, George Michael, Ricky Martin, ... who read Truman Capote, Oscar Wilde, ... likes art of Andy Warhol ...
You'll feel better nad more safe when you will have first friend who knows who you really are ... uhh it's crazy sentence, I'm not native english speaker so excusse me - of course it's still you
there are few good posts about forum users comming outs, mine too.
Some universal advices (by my wiew):
- first tell it realy good friends and family (if you know that they aren't homophobic)
- select who is so important for you that you want to tell it him/her face to face
- for others try use gossip (telling it to more people in one moment have to be stressful)
- don't worry or sad or scary if someone will not be ok about it, simply kick homophobic people out of your life! left them! and don't be sad about it. BUT take it slowly too. Remember that you needed quite long time to take it to understand it and so on... distinguish who is shocked only and who is against homosexuality
I think thats all what I can writte at the moment, if I'll have new ideas I'll write it...
Edit: small correction of first point - first tell it someone who is very probably gayfriendly, It should be someone who has some friend or co-worker or family member who is gay or lesbian. Or someone who listen to Elton John, Freddie Mercury, George Michael, Ricky Martin, ... who read Truman Capote, Oscar Wilde, ... likes art of Andy Warhol ...
You'll feel better nad more safe when you will have first friend who knows who you really are ... uhh it's crazy sentence, I'm not native english speaker so excusse me - of course it's still you
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This is all great advice, but in today's world do you not think that most people already have a pretty good idea of the deal? Sometimes coming out is more of a stress for the principal that it is for surprise of the listeners....
garth33
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Wow! Thanks for the advice everyone!
just stick your feet firmly in the ground and have fun Holler!
:heart: Some guys here waited way too long and regretted it...wasting some of the WILDROCKHARDCOCK horniness I had when I was your age Go for it dude...whatever you wantpeace,
g33
S
Sinnerr
Guest
thats true
In my case 100%But its quite individual. It depends on where he lives (city or town or village). Also if people around him are religious and how much are They...
Maybe my post does from coming difficult science. Generally its not science.
My attitude not only about comming out is that better is be a bit pesimistic and be positively surprised after that than be optimistic and be disappointed.
Of course I wish His coming out will be as fine as is possible. But I dont want to be someone who gives someone nice illusion if reality could be not happy.
I think much better than my advices is "when and how was your comnig out?" thread. It shows how different it can be.
Giving advices is very easy. He can take something from it or not. Last He will do it as he can and knows best by himslef. And after He will see...
Edit:
Simply How will be reactions doesnt depend on any advices. People are different who is real friend will be ok about it. Who will not be ok about it, never was real friend. Real friend likes you as you are.
Edit 2:
And as I said before, some people need some time to accept and uderstand it.
Just do it and you will see. I Can tell you that you will feel better, and people who will be ok about it will be better friends to you than before.
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glupieslowka
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In my case coming out does not seem to be a good idea due to the fact that the people in my closest environment are apparently conservative in their views and would not accept such a thing. Hiding appears to be the best solution.
S
Sinnerr
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In this case, isn't better change people around you than play straight role long time? It's debilitating I think. At least for me it was. I'm glad that now I siply say i like boys when I'm talking with someone and he/she ask me are you still single? (before my comming out I was oftenly saying something like, "I dont want girl for relationship, only for sex, it's better to be single..." ) or something like that. Cases where I would advise playing straight role is when you live in country where is homosexuality illegal, or if your family are realy homophobic and able to phisicaly attack you or kick you out of home, and you are too young so not independent yet. In both cases I advise do every changes which is necessary to be free as soon as is possible.
Of course every one decide by himself.
) or something like that. Cases where I would advise playing straight role is when you live in country where is homosexuality illegal, or if your family are realy homophobic and able to phisicaly attack you or kick you out of home, and you are too young so not independent yet. In both cases I advise do every changes which is necessary to be free as soon as is possible.Of course every one decide by himself.
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glupieslowka
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It does not seem to be debilitating or hard for me, I am a good actor and I have learnt to play the role. Besides, people do not perceive me like a heterosexual, rather like an asexual person. Guess I can live with that ...and with my partner - I am in a serious relationship and we, me and my partner, manage to keep things quiet, so... I cannot complain.
My environment... I haven't thought about changing it, I mean at times it is hard not to be oneself in 100% but so long as the people around you are not that... say, "flawed" and their only "flaw" is being homophobic, I can live with them.
...and with my partner - I am in a serious relationship and we, me and my partner, manage to keep things quiet, so... I cannot complain.My environment... I haven't thought about changing it, I mean at times it is hard not to be oneself in 100% but so long as the people around you are not that... say, "flawed" and their only "flaw" is being homophobic, I can live with them.
