From Bill Maher's show this week:
Before they lose the midterms worse than they already are, Democrats must learn to speak to the one group of people who actually vote in the midterms: Caucasians. You know, we hear a lot about Republicans' inability to reach minorities, but what about the converse? Have Democrats lost the art of talking to Whitey? The election's 18 days away and Democratic candidates are about as popular as a Liberian travel agent. This is despite the fact that unemployment, the deficit and gas prices are all down, Obamacare is working, and we're raining fire on 7 countries full of America-haters. Gosh, what DO White people want? Well, before I answer that question, full disclosure: I'M a White person. No, it's true. I attend all the meetings, and I'll even admit that sometimes when I'm feeling down, my girlfriend will buck me up by saying, "Bill...you are a proud, strong, beautiful White man." So I KNOW these people, and the good news for Democrats is that making working-class Whites buy what you're selling isn't that hard. I mean, they drink Budweiser.
So here's a few tips on how to talk to the White voter.
Tip No. 1: Talk a lot---A LOT---about the importance of hard work. White people eat that shit up. Because they think they're the ONLY Americans who DO work hard and that they're carrying all the people who just collect welfare and complain. Reinforce this silly notion so they can feel better about themselves. Then give a Bill-Cosby-like speech where you tell Black people to PULL up their PANTS! And then if elected, you'll appoint a Belt Czar. Now, of course, this isn't even a "thing" anymore, and the only person who still wears his pants down his ass is Justin Bieber. It doesn't matter. White people wanna know that you think welfare is un-American and denotes a character flaw---except, of course, for the welfare THEY'RE collecting. Then say something about how dads are important. If a reporter asks you what you think about the melting ice cap, say, "That's a good question. And it comes down to Dad. Because they're the ones who have to tell kids that they can't all grow up to be rappers and ballers." See? Without ever mentioning race specifically, you can use code words to make White people think it. Phrases like "culture of dependency," "personal responsibility," and, of course, "violence in elevators."
Tip No. 2: Two words: Small businesses. You're not just for them. You don't just support them. You LOVE them. You wish you could FUCK small businesses. There are two thoughts that never leave White people's minds: "When's lunch?" and "Someday I'm gonna tell that dick-fer-brains boss of mine to shove it and then I'll start my OWN small business." Do not screw with the imaginary small business in Whitey's head.
Oh yeah, we're making progress.
And finally, Tip No. 3: When dealing with foreign policy, talk more like John Wayne. Don't say you're "seriously concerned by Vladimir Putin." Say, "He's a third-rate thug with lifeless doll eyes...and if he wants a war with America, then MAKE MY DAY, BITCH!" Trust me, the subtleties of foreign policy are of no interest to the Honky vote. All they wanna know is who's ass are we kicking next. At the first sign of trouble anywhere, say things like, "We'll hit them with a brick while they're sleeping." Remember, we're not just the world's policeman; we're the world's Ferguson, MISSOURI, policeman. And any foreign strategy except "Nobody move or the girl gets it" is APPEASEMENT. It's MUNICH. Munich. Everything is "Munich" to them. To White dads, everything is "Munich" because White dads watch the History Channel. And the only history on it is Hitler. Hitler, who, at a place called Munich, made a chump of a guy named Neville Chamberlain. And this is America. We don't act like Neville Chamberlain. We act like Wilt Chamberlain and DUNK IN YOUR FACE!"
Before they lose the midterms worse than they already are, Democrats must learn to speak to the one group of people who actually vote in the midterms: Caucasians. You know, we hear a lot about Republicans' inability to reach minorities, but what about the converse? Have Democrats lost the art of talking to Whitey? The election's 18 days away and Democratic candidates are about as popular as a Liberian travel agent. This is despite the fact that unemployment, the deficit and gas prices are all down, Obamacare is working, and we're raining fire on 7 countries full of America-haters. Gosh, what DO White people want? Well, before I answer that question, full disclosure: I'M a White person. No, it's true. I attend all the meetings, and I'll even admit that sometimes when I'm feeling down, my girlfriend will buck me up by saying, "Bill...you are a proud, strong, beautiful White man." So I KNOW these people, and the good news for Democrats is that making working-class Whites buy what you're selling isn't that hard. I mean, they drink Budweiser.
So here's a few tips on how to talk to the White voter.
Tip No. 1: Talk a lot---A LOT---about the importance of hard work. White people eat that shit up. Because they think they're the ONLY Americans who DO work hard and that they're carrying all the people who just collect welfare and complain. Reinforce this silly notion so they can feel better about themselves. Then give a Bill-Cosby-like speech where you tell Black people to PULL up their PANTS! And then if elected, you'll appoint a Belt Czar. Now, of course, this isn't even a "thing" anymore, and the only person who still wears his pants down his ass is Justin Bieber. It doesn't matter. White people wanna know that you think welfare is un-American and denotes a character flaw---except, of course, for the welfare THEY'RE collecting. Then say something about how dads are important. If a reporter asks you what you think about the melting ice cap, say, "That's a good question. And it comes down to Dad. Because they're the ones who have to tell kids that they can't all grow up to be rappers and ballers." See? Without ever mentioning race specifically, you can use code words to make White people think it. Phrases like "culture of dependency," "personal responsibility," and, of course, "violence in elevators."
Tip No. 2: Two words: Small businesses. You're not just for them. You don't just support them. You LOVE them. You wish you could FUCK small businesses. There are two thoughts that never leave White people's minds: "When's lunch?" and "Someday I'm gonna tell that dick-fer-brains boss of mine to shove it and then I'll start my OWN small business." Do not screw with the imaginary small business in Whitey's head.
Oh yeah, we're making progress.
And finally, Tip No. 3: When dealing with foreign policy, talk more like John Wayne. Don't say you're "seriously concerned by Vladimir Putin." Say, "He's a third-rate thug with lifeless doll eyes...and if he wants a war with America, then MAKE MY DAY, BITCH!" Trust me, the subtleties of foreign policy are of no interest to the Honky vote. All they wanna know is who's ass are we kicking next. At the first sign of trouble anywhere, say things like, "We'll hit them with a brick while they're sleeping." Remember, we're not just the world's policeman; we're the world's Ferguson, MISSOURI, policeman. And any foreign strategy except "Nobody move or the girl gets it" is APPEASEMENT. It's MUNICH. Munich. Everything is "Munich" to them. To White dads, everything is "Munich" because White dads watch the History Channel. And the only history on it is Hitler. Hitler, who, at a place called Munich, made a chump of a guy named Neville Chamberlain. And this is America. We don't act like Neville Chamberlain. We act like Wilt Chamberlain and DUNK IN YOUR FACE!"
Last edited:
