If the "now" does not feel fullfilling there is no point in imagining a later. And if it is, there is no need for it.
Agree 100% :thumbs up::thumbs up::thumbs up:
I cannot imagine a more concise, more perfect response to this question.
No matter what any poets, pragmatists and porn fans might say: in the end, its always completely subjective to your own gut feelings. And even then, half the time your gut instincts are either muddled or completely wrong. Loving another person in a committed relationship is wonderful: its also a tremendous waste of time, resources, passion, and energy you may well wish you had spent elsewhere in hindsight. Taking a long-term lover may be the single most frustrating thing any of us ever does, but also the most rewarding.
My current partner and I have been together on and off for nearly 17 years. I love him more insanely, am attracted to him more intensely, than I ever thought possible for one human being to feel for another. But he's the most annoying, frustrating, irritating, self-centered, stubborn, temperamental bastard I've ever met in my life: a disturbing proportion of my thoughts involve hurling him off a cliff while I laugh maniacally. We are an absolutely dreadful match in terms of personality and compatibility: of all the gay and straight couples I've known, we're the most hopelessly ill-suited.
And yet... 17 years after meeting we can't seem to live without each other. We break up bitterly like clockwork every three or four years, sometimes not speaking for months, until we can't stand it anymore and one of us hits the reset button. We honeymoon for a year or two, find each other the most delightful thing in the world for awhile, then some petty disagreement triggers a deep well of resentment to explode. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I wouldn't recommend such a volatile relationship to anyone else. The passionate highs are addictive, but the lows are exhausting. I often wish I had "settled" for one of my previous relationships that were less passionate but far more stable and productive. My partner and I never grow our relationship or expand our horizons together: we're Bill Murray & Andie MacDowell in Groundhog Day, repeating the same pattern over and over but never really learning anything. With my previous partners, we learned something from each other, made a lifelong positive mark on each other, despite eventually breaking up after four or five years. With this guy, I'm on a perpetual first date that doesn't go anywhere.
Defining a "successful" relationship is tricky. I know more than a few gay couples who were very practical in selecting their partners. They love them, but not in the ridiculous "Romeo and Juliet" fashion that I love mine. They prioritized compatibility over passion. Those in expensive cities like New York, Los Angeles or San Francisco often choose a partner who shares goals like investing in a home or apartment together, so they can live better than they would independently. Gay men used to tell the joke "What does a lesbian bring on her second date with a woman? A moving truck!" - but now they often do the same thing, evaluating relationships fairly quickly for co-habiting potential (with the romance being secondary). Once the novelty of having a nice home wears off, such couples often turn a blind eye to sex outside the relationship, and cease being monogamous (if they ever were). If you aren't a hopeless romantic, such a relationship can be very stable and satisfying.
Finding the balance that works for YOU might require experiencing two or three "practice" relationships that last anywhere from six months to a few years, before you are completely clear on what you want vs what you need. Passion without a stable basis is exciting but ultimately tiresome and misleading, OTOH domestic compatibility and shared goals alone, without some sustainable "heat", inevitably leads to doubts and resentments later on (unless both men lead compartmentalized lives, where most of their sex is outside the relationship, and both are looking for more of a brother than a lover).
I've always known exactly where a relationship was headed within one year of being with someone. Most of us know, its pretty obvious, but we may ignore the signs for one reason or another. If you're questioning the future at all, it usually means the relationship will have an expiration date (or you'll linger in limbo indefinitely). Doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is bad or unhealthy, or that you can't enjoy each other for a few months or years. Each partner brings good things we may not get from anyone else, that we might want to experience for awhile. If the person is not pressuring you about the future, and is happy to go with the flow until the flow dries up, why not?
But if you've planned your life out to the nth degree, and feel you can't afford to "waste time" in a temporary but nice relationship just to see what might come of it, obey your instinct and pull the plug immediately. Its cruel to lead someone on if you're already restless and not that interested in what they have to offer right this moment.
