Thank you all for taking the time to post your views – but even more so for trying lift me up.
I don’t have a problem making friends; I know being bubbly and slightly feminine helps. It’s just that, to me, to get into the gay community you have to look a certain way. And may be some of you guys are right, that’s the more the ‘gay scene’ – but like where else am I going to find other people from the gay community??? (I’m 20, highly inexperienced)
You can have all the experience that you want, be super cute, old, not so old, gay, not so gay when it comes to relationship it’s always a hard sail my dude so if you’re not prepared to face the wave, take some time off to think about what you want. When you’re going in gay bars or "da scene", what are you looking for... a friend, a boyfriend, a one night stand, sex… all of them
. This journey dude starts with you, we cannot give you more examples as it will always revolve around be yourself and fuck their opinions as you can see that’s pretty much what all of us said. And you know all that already (you said so yourself), so what advice are you looking for really… what is the real goal behind your questioning.
Out of all the responses I kind of relate to Gypsy’s the most. It’s like I don’t fit in if I don’t.
Gypsy is a very smart dude and I’d suggested you to seek his help if you believe that what he said is closer to what you’re feeling. Do you feel yourself superficial when going out or trying to look good, is that the real question?
It’s great to say ‘be who you are, do what makes you feel comfortable’, and I get that a lot. But as a young man, growing up in today’s modern society, there’s like underlying pressure to look good – and even look even better especially because you’re gay. It’s fucking ridiculous. I think the people in the gay scene don’t want to hang around you if your hair isn’t sleek or your shoes don’t match your outfit. Does that bother me? Yes. Should it? No. Can I get over it? I try but I can’t. I just find it hard to say ‘fuck them, there are better people’ - I haven’t met many of those better people in life.
I have a 16 years old daughter (and a 10 years old son as well)… yes dude I know I’m a young dad, I was pretty much you age when I conceived her with her mom LOL and was 25 when I conceived my son (ahhhh that was fun lol). She is in the same boat then you are at the moment, however she’s not gay (at least I don’t know yet she haven’t told me lol) and she’s having exactly the same question regarding look, peer pressure and what society expect from her to be. Now let’s put that in perspective… my daughter is a freaking bomb, she’s amazingly beautiful and that is coming from her parents which are not looking too bad themselves. But I always made sure to be always open to her and make myself absolutely available to all questions she might have about sex, love, relationship, and society. Also, and this is to me the most important, Identifying yourself, know what place you have in this world, among your friends, family, people that surrounds you in general, what image you want them to remember? The dudette with the expensive clothes or the girl that will tear up those expensive clothes to stop the bleeding of somebody who’d just got hurt?
This underlying pressure to look good is not just a “Gay” thing my friend, it’s a “youth” thing, you’d notice that many of us that advice you on this thread are well over 25 years old, some are even over 50 and just like you we went through different fashion and era. For you it seems to be a new modern issue among teens but it is not… it always have been in many ways. In my days if you didn’t have parachute pants and wear a big cross and speak like this McHammer Clown, you were pretty much an outsider. If you didn’t have sex at 13 you were a virgin idiot, if you were not smoking hashish you were a preppy. If you verse in all those “Ifs” I can tell you right from the start that you’re not going to be well psychologically speaking… you need to take a stand for yourself and accept who you are… if you really find ridiculous that some gay or anybody look at your shoes before talking to you… you know very well that this is a person that you don’t want to have anything to do with because of his superficiality.
By turning your back to those mere idiots (because sorry that what they are) you make a stand for yourself which scream “Hey I am who I am and that is it” and from that very day you will see the people that you expect coming to you… because following what others do, you just push the very people you want to meet away.
My daughter has very good friends and last time they had that new pot smoking experience… I told her that I didn’t mind she smoke but she don’t need to hide and I’d prefer to have all her friends coming home and smoke their weed in a place they know, no cops, no bad trips, no problems. Sure not all parents are like me… but knowing how I was being young… you say NO to me and I was going straight for the opposite, my blood flows in her veins so I knew how to react right away. You’d notice that from this gesture I really got my daughter’s trust and that because of her that I know what’s going on the youth world today.
I’m sitting here sighing at my computer, glad that I’m not out there in that dog eat dog world. I have many straight friends, not many gay friends mainly because I don’t like the scene. I really don’t know where else to look for like minded gay guys.
You’d be astonish to know that many gays loathe the scene for the exact same reasons, like someone suggest stop going to those high profile gay clubs, because what they do they is just a “look at me I’m crossing”. Let me give you a good example of that when I went to a high class gay club in France… I was dressed for at least a total value of 3000 dollars, Armani pants, leather coat and all… I was obviously dressed for the occasion, but my mind doesn’t change because I have 300 dollars pants on me… and I met so many people in there that played the game but speaking to them I found out that they were just as “normal” as I was. Speak with, voice your concerns, trust me in all those social monkeys, there’s at least two or three that does just like you, that think just like you. If you are just doing the scene and acting like them, obviously you’re doing just like two positive magnet and you pushes one another away.
(I was typing this earlier today on MS word to make sure I was coherent. I'm definitely not attention seeking, this is a huge huge issue of mine and just want some more advice)
At the very end to close this… beauty is in the eyes of the one who look. When I look at my dude I find him the most beautiful dude on the planet, when he looks at me he barfs, nah he like me a lot too, when we are together it’s salt and pepper (because I’m black and his white) and people sees that we are well connected together and they find it beautiful. Alex is a model (yes a real one) and he suffered quite a lot of what you’re suffering now and I believe that you two should talk… because he had exactly the same concerns and he was also very disgusted by the scene because he’s naturally beautiful and most of his previous boyfriends would take him for a fuck doll that can be disposed when done. He would also dress to please, but he’s more the kind of dude to like wandering in its underwear then going all the way for expensive clothes to please others. Alex didn’t have much gay friends either, because he would not adhere to the code of fashion (even though he’s dressing himself very good), look at the friend you have now, gay or not… how many of them doesn’t care about the belt you’re wearing, the way you comb your hair or the shoes you bought last week and that you’re going to wear just once (because you don’t really like them?). Count your blessings and you’ll find out soon enough that as much as I understand you want to be among the gay, you’re non-gay friends may be more understanding then the gay ones. Count your blessings.
