Gay couple and children

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

All right this one is going to be a hard topic. Here's the story:

My BF Alex has expressed lately that he would like to have a child, Alex comes from a very religious family and he's the only boy left, he's younger brother died at 2 years old, which leave him to be the only male in the family (the only child too) now obviously because he's my BF no need to mention that Alex is gay.

Alex always felt a bit guilty of not pursuing the blood line from his father, and this is one of the reasons why he wants to have a child, but it's also the fact that he loves children and his dream was to be a dad, just like I became one years ago (and twice).

Financially we are both more than okay, therefore finance is not an issue. But I want to make certain that Alex want to become dad for the right reasons, not just continuing the blood line.

I came to him with adoption, but Alex knowing that his sperm are good (and I know I tasted it several time ) ), he does prefer to have it the old way, therefore his ex girlfriend (a good friend of ours) offered him to bear the child to the only condition they made it naturally and that she keeps her mother's title with the child.

So the question to you all is... should I allow that? Just note that from your answer Alex might be replying to you... he uses my account but whenever he writes back he's using red fonts and he sign his comment with Alex at the end.

 

[Whisper]

All right this one is going to be a hard topic. Here's the story:

My BF Alex has expressed lately that he would like to have a child, Alex comes from a very religious family and he's the only boy left, he's younger brother died at 2 years old, which leave him to be the only male in the family (the only child too) now obviously because he's my BF no need to mention that Alex is gay.

Alex always felt a bit guilty of not pursuing the blood line from his father, and this is one of the reasons why he wants to have a child, but it's also the fact that he loves children and his dream was to be a dad, just like I became one years ago (and twice).

Financially we are both more than okay, therefore finance is not an issue. But I want to make certain that Alex want to become dad for the right reasons, not just continuing the blood line.

I came to him with adoption, but Alex knowing that his sperm are good (and I know I tasted it several time ) ), he does prefer to have it the old way, therefore his ex girlfriend (a good friend of ours) offered him to bear the child to the only condition they made it naturally and that she keeps her mother's title with the child.

So the question to you all is... should I allow that? Just note that from your answer Alex might be replying to you... he uses my account but whenever he writes back he's using red fonts and he sign his comment with Alex at the end.

I have to say that this is no the easiest one... And once again I hope I can express my thoughts in English...

I think the first thing is to be sure that Alex truly wants to have a child, not because feeling guilty. Then that you both want the child and that the ex is 100 % sure too.

Since I don't know all the facts etc, this "making the baby naturally" makes me think. Would I be able to give my child away is always one thing that comes to my mind also -as a woman, then this connection between biological parents and is there going to be jealousy and doubts later?

And "making the baby"? Is she also able to go through it, physically and emotionally (so many miscarriages and problems having a child in my family)? And if it "doesn't happen" in first try, how many times would it take?

I think I'm offering only more and more questions, but if you all three are 100 % sure, well, why not have a child

Hopefully you'll understand what I was trying to say and good luck for both of you :hug:

 

[etilit]

Just note that from your answer Alex might be replying to you... he uses my account but whenever he writes back he's using red fonts and he sign his comment with Alex at the end.

i have to admit i was wondering why you responded to your own questions:? and so..why doesnt alex have his own acct?

but to your question...im the last blood line to my father as well, and it will end with me..im not sure if thats good or bad!! but thats the way it is lol

and the choice is his alone..you can except it or not..lol

 

[Tjerk12]

Dear Jake,

A difficult question.
Being a teenager (the end of the fifties) I was sure that I did not want kids. They are noisy troublemakers, which restrict your personal freedom; nothing else, was my opinion. But I got married and then it happened. First a girl and after that two boys. They were indeed noisy, sometimes troublemakers and changed my life completely. In all my choices they formed the first condition. I nearly didn’t go out anymore. Vacation? Is it nice for the kids? Raising children, what did I know about that? And so on, and so on. It was a long sequence of questions and seldom simple answers.

They are grown up now. And when I look back I must say that it was a wonderful experience (and still is). They all became nice people and between us is a great harmony (and love). Apparently I found the right answers to nearly all the questions. Not out of science, but simply by following my heart. I think raising a kid is mainly a matter of accepting its individuality and unconditional support (especially in bad cirstances).

In fact I do not know if all my children are actually my own. Never tested it. But that doesn’t matter at all. I love them dearly and they love me. I would give my life for them. So, on that point it doesn’t matter if the child is your own. However I do know that when a child knows that it is adopted, they often want to know about their biological parents. You should take that into account.

When you grow old your children live their own lives. Not that they disappear completely, but you see them seldom (once a week or less). But in your mind they are 24 hours a day present.

My answer to your question is: listen to your heart.

 

[hawtsean]

I came to him with adoption, but Alex knowing that his sperm are good (and I know I tasted it several time ) ), he does prefer to have it the old way, therefore his ex girlfriend (a good friend of ours) offered him to bear the child to the only condition they made it naturally and that she keeps her mother's title with the child..

Without knowing all of you as close friends, it's truly impossible to give a conclusive response as to whether or not I believe it's right for you, and that such an arrangement could work out beneficially for all. However my experience in having counseled people for a time (professionally), leads me to feel that no matter how willing a woman might be to help out her friends, being a surrogate child-bearer and giving up even part of the parenting to someone not her mate - is a very difficult thing. The natural inclination toward nurturing and protective motherhood comes into play the moment of birth. There are many hurdles to jump in this type of affair, as well - and financial security is the least of all of these. Tread with caution, explore every opportunity, and in the end I echo the thoughts of whisper - may you have the best of luck and success in bringing a child into being and into your family.

 

[Casanova]

Ok, my thing is what does Alex want? and truly wants.. I am the only boy in my immediate family (and one hell of a fucking godforsaken pious family as well), and both my parents wanted me to carry-on the family's lineage. In fact, when I came out to them, I got kicked out of the house as I was an utter disappointment to them. That's how strongly they felt.

Believe me, I was full of guilt for years, and even contemplated marrying a woman and having children just to please them. Of course, I knew I wouldn't exactly be happy about it. Especially if things broke down, and there would be messy divorces and child-support, etc. all because I wasn't being true to myself.

I chose what I wanted instead of what my parents wanted, because in the end it is my life. Can't live a life of my own if I live to please others.

Now, that's just my case! Not every gay man's the same, and Alex may genuinely want a child of his own because he wants to be a father. I think it is something you both should discuss.

My opinion, if his ex-girlfriend wants to have sex with him and carry his child, he needs to understand what are the consequences. If she is going to carry his child, she is going to be a part of your lives for a very long time, whether you want it or not, and I think this can complicate things.

Discuss the pros and cons. Don't discourage him! Remember bringing up a child is not the easiest thing - I know, I had to help raise my sister as both my parents were always at work, and if you both are willing to take the leap, then you should go for it.

 

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

To be very honest I don't really want to have another baby around... I had two and I'm so happy that they can wipe their own ass that I don't think I'm ready for another noisy little kid... I don't think I have the patience for that anymore. But as I said because I really love the dude I will bend, if being a dad is really what he wants.

 

[gb2000ie]

Wow - this is such a tough one.

I don't know why - but I think there's something deep inside the psyche of men that we want to pass in our genes. I guess there's a sort of imortality in it. And of course any family that keeps track of it's history over generations will want to see the family tree continue and not die out, and I think this might be doubly-so for men who want their genes, and their family tree, and their name, to live on for ever more. I can see why the dad of an only gay son could be very disappointed.

I also have to admit that for me, one of the hardest things about admitting I was gay was having to give up the dream of starting a family. As it happens I have a very unusual surname because I'm a first-generation immigrant to Ireland, and I like the idea of the name marching forward through history, and spreading out across Ireland, but it's not to be. I have two brothers, so I always assumed that the name would march forward anyway, even if I proved to be a dead-end branch, but it's not looking so good right now - only one of my brothers is married, and although he has kids, he doesn't have a son - so although the genes look set to march on, the name looks to be a very short-lived phenomenon in Ireland, just one generation.

So - that's the long way of saying that I can completely understand both the pressures Alex's family are placing on him, as well as his desire to father a child.

But - by making the child in the normal way, you inevitably have to turn a two-person relationship into a three-person relationship, and that's fraught with challenges. Alex and his ex may well get on very well, but she may not get on with you, and you may not get on with her. Two people raising kids can find quite enough to argue and disagree about - adding a third person isn't gonna make anything easier!

What would your relationship be to the kid? Would you be a second daddy? Or a more out-side uncle-figure? How does the potential mother feel about that? Where does she see you in the picture? Would the kid spend one week with you an Alex, then one with her? Would the three of you move in together?

This is somewhat secondary to the really important questions about raising kids, but how would you feel about the conception? Are you ready for the thought of Alex making love to his old girlfriend?

TBH - my only advice is to ask lots and lots of questions, and to really talk all this through with both Alex and the potential mother. Best to do all the talking and the asking before any sperm bond with any ova!

B.

 

[etilit]

a serious question jake...are you schizophrenic? i didnt see anything from alex posted here:worried:

you said it would be in red and signed by him...just wondering:? lol

 

[etilit]

ok sweetie and i did send pm and i respect everyone always we are all on this planet together lets make it work for all!!! lol

 

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

ok sweetie and i did send pm and i respect everyone always we are all on this planet together lets make it work for all!!! lol

It's quite okay with me Just remember not all people are Internet liars, I posted my own face picture and I'm not scared to tell who I am. I am very proud of what I achieve in life despite the very difficult childhood I had and sharing it makes me better every day.

 

[yoyo888]

All I can say is go for it. You are a Dad, and I doubt very much you regret a single second of it. Alex just wants the same

What do your kids think about the subject or has that not been discussed with them?

I would desperately love to have a kid, but I just know that will never happen

So as the pic on the left shows, they were my "alternative Kids", but sadly they are not alive any more.

 

[Jojobean27]

go for it!

weather i'm gay or not, We need to continue the family tree.

 

[gb2000ie]

It sounds like you've come to a nice compromise, artificial incemination, and just the one kid, so now all that's left is to wish the three, (and in future hopefully four) of you the very best of luck with this whole endeavour!

B.

 

[hawtsean]

And it seems that I am going to perpetuate the tradition of being freak, I'm black, bisexual, have a white dude as a BF that really look like a teenager even though he is not (the dude cannot go to a beer store without his ID they'll refuse him right away), I have two kids; my daughter his a mix of Venezuelan and black, my son has Asian/Spanish background because of his mom that is Filipino and Spanish adding to that my genes. And I'll have a Asian/Caucasian nephew coming from Alex because Cynthia is a mix of Thai and Caucasian. I really should open a simili Barnum Circus.

Jake, sounds like you're a Heinz 57 guy, if you catch that old joke's meaning. You know what they say about total purebreds....that they can be weaker than crossbreeds. That is totally true for animals, and some anthropologists claim it's equally true for humans. If so, then you're one helluva tough one.

 

[Tiamar]

I am also gay, in a civil union and religious. I also want childs but don't care if i adopt or make them but even they are mine I will not sleep with a woman.^^

 

[Whisper]

I hope everything goes well and good luck, for both of you

 

[gb2000ie]

great to hear from you Alex - best of luck with it all!

The story about the crest is very moving - such a nice thing to do!

B.

 

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

Jake, sounds like you're a Heinz 57 guy, if you catch that old joke's meaning. You know what they say about total purebreds....that they can be weaker than crossbreeds. That is totally true for animals, and some anthropologists claim it's equally true for humans. If so, then you're one helluva tough one.

Lets say we are very mixed in our family so the Heinz 57 suits me very well because I am also mixed. And I love diversity, if you ever had white plain macaroni you know it's not good until you add cheese to it LOL. (which I can't hahaha)

 

[hawtsean]

From Alex:

I really don't like to have my picture posted online, this one comes from my modeling agency

Alex, I understand why you aren't happy that your pic has made the rounds. However I can honestly say that you are a handsome guy, and need be ashamed of nothing in the good looks dept. You and Jake together would be a very intriguing and arousing image - both of physical types and that wonderful blend of skin colors.