Hookups in a relationship

[sneakyshadow]

Hey,

So I have this longstanding fantasy of a one off hookup with a cute twink-like guy, but I have never had opportunity to do so, as my first sexual partner was and is, my life partner. We've discussed open relationships *extensively*, and it wouldn't work. I love him so much, and won't leave him. But, it feels pretty tough to only ever have experienced sex with one person... And a bit of a waste given we're both still young. And honestly, it does bother me on occassion.

What do y'all think I should do?

 

[Shelter]

Hi sneakyshadow - I'll understand you totally. And surely here will be many others who will tell you to do what you want to do.

Well, I'm 30 years old/young and I'm living now for 13 years together with my BF/partner/husband. And during all these very long years together we really love us (perhaps not like on the first day - but was that love on this first day?) so much. Our life is not only sunshine and love. There have been many wranglings in these years between both of us. And some of them have been really hard. But our love always has been stronger.

And yes - from time to time - I think it would be great to have a hookup with another guy. And it has happened sometimes when we are out in a dance bar - that there is a young guy who is looking a little bit hungry to me or that I'm looking a little bit hungry to him. And we have danced together and sure there was too a kiss and both of us we felt that something in our trousers was growing but in this moment something in my head (called BRAIN) gave me a signal not to do that what my little friend downstairs wanted so fiercely to do. And I know that my BF is feeling the same. A little bit making out and fumble - well perhaps ok - but more? I say NO. You will gamble with your love. If you really love your partner, don't risk for a little adventure to loose him. The adventure is perhaps a wonderful and very horny short moment - but with your partner (if you really love him) you will share your whole life.

Well sometimes I'll dream of it as well - and that will be too the reason why I'm watching porn flics. After it I'm horny, my BF is horny - and again we have wonderful sex together.

Perhaps you or others here will laugh about that what I have written here - but it is my honest opinion. And let me tell you a last word: during all these 13 years our love never has been boring.

That it is what I wish for you as well: a never ending time of love with your partner.

 

[sneakyshadow]

Thanks Shelter, that's exactly what I needed to hear

 

[Shelter]

Thanks Shelter, that's exactly what I needed to hear

:thumbs up::thumbs up::thumbs up::thumbs up: All the very best to you and your other half. :thumbs up::thumbs up::thumbs up:

 

[dargelos]

Shelter's story is, as ever, beautifully told and I will not argue with one word of it. But life has taught me to reach a different conclusion. It has taught me that sex and love are two separate things. Love is sacred and real love is for eternity. Sex is for pleasure right here right now and apart from that it don't mean a goddamn thing. If you have an itch and you never scratch it, I believe it will keep on comming back, eating away at you. Better to scratch that itch, get it over with and put it behind you. That does not mean an 'open relationship', it just means true honesty.

 

[Shelter]

Hello dear Dargelos,
at first many thanks for your kind comment. I'm honest: it has made me a little bit proud - no not only a little bit, it has made me tremendous proud! -

You are totally right: love is sacred and real love is for eternity. But love and/or "real" love requires honesty towards the partner (or you are practice an open relationship!)

What I have written here is not a law, surely not, it is something I feel. And perhaps it is also a point of jealousy. From time to time during the past years either my partner or I have raised the question to make a threesome or better a foursome. In the moment when this question was presented both of us have been on fire ...... but than came the question: with whom? With friends of us? Never we couldn't bring ourself to ask them -- they are really very good friends, but to get between the blankets with them? Would our friendship survive this hookup? So what then? With strangers? NO (the word from both of us!)

Therefore until now we are "alone" in our bed. And our sex is good because we are knowing each other and know what the other likes or with what we can make horny the other. And never there will be the angry stinger of jealousy between us.

But dreaming is free - and believe me in my head sometimes will rave the wildest dreams about kinky sex-games! -

 

[topdog]

... We've discussed open relationships *extensively*, and it wouldn't work. I love him so much, and won't leave him...

Can you say more about this? From what I have read, you are curious about sex with another partner, and then you jump to the conclusion that it wouldn't work - but you don't say how you reached that conclusion. I get that you love your partner - that is clear. But what prevents extra-marital sex from working for the two of you? What came out in your discussions that takes it off the table?

 

[sneakyshadow]

Well we'd been talking about it for months, and we got to the point of me arranging something and then him breaking down and me cancelling it, at which point we decided it wasn't worth the trouble and the upset.

 

[dargelos]

I get the feeling that though you have postponed things, the urge is still there, and it will still be there however many times you postpone again. If you are going to spend the next fifty years together, which if you are in love is good thing to do, you don't want to let resentment build up in the background.
The use of the word 'arranging' makes it sound too formal, I would too be daunted by the concept of arranged sex, I think it should always be something spontaneous.
When it does happen, because I think that one day it will happen, involving someone known to you both is the most dangerous way to go, not physicaly but in terms of guilt, gossip and jealousy. If, when you do have extra curricular activities, if you don't ask his name, don't know where he lives and will never see him again, that takes away any fear that Mr X, however lovely he is, can ever be a threat to your long term relationship. Mr X can be found in the sauna.
If you can get your man to go to a gay sauna with you, he can see that nobody there will be trying to steal his boyfriend away from him, there is no pressure to do anything, whatever fun may or may not occur in this safe environment, he knows you will both be leaving together at the end of the night.

 

[tonib]

You’re a human, with biological desires and needs. It’s very unlikely that you would be attracted to only one person out of the billions on this earth. You see something you like, you’re gonna want to go after it, and that’s natural.

However, you’re in a relationship, you’ve made a choice and a commitment. It’s not fair to your partner for you to treat the relationship between the two of you as though it’s something so cheap.

Sex is a easy to get - it's almost a commodity really. However true love, that is priceless.

 

[sneakyshadow]

I mean we talked about stuff again just the other day. We both agreed that probably I wouldn't feel different until I'd done it to try, but the conversation just sort of ended there :/

 

[Stonecold]

I agree with Shelter

Shelter wrote

I say NO. You will gamble with your love. If you really love your partner, don't risk for a little adventure to loose him. The adventure is perhaps a wonderful and very horny short moment - but with your partner (if you really love him) you will share your whole life.

I couldn't agree more. We have been together over thirty years and a long-term partner to love is worth more than a horny short moment. I say no if you are sure he is the one and if you are sure he loves you just as deeply.

 

[Otage]

In relationship there are two people, and between them is trust. It's good you have discussed about the subject matter openly, and have faced the facts, that you have different opinnions about things, which is normal. In relationship you have to compromise.

People have different views on relationship. Personally I would never go for an open relationship. Currently single, going on dates and having casual sex... it has it good things, but I was more happier in relationship. Well, untill we couldn't make it work any more. And I agree, if you would do that, you wouldn't brolly feel any different, and there would be risk, that it could harm your relationship. Hook-ups are easy to find, true love is not.

 

[Shelter]

In relationship there are two people, and between them is trust. It's good you have discussed about the subject matter openly, and have faced the facts, that you have different opinnions about things, which is normal. In relationship you have to compromise.

People have different views on relationship. Personally I would never go for an open relationship. Currently single, going on dates and having casual sex... it has it good things, but I was more happier in relationship. Well, untill we couldn't make it work any more. And I agree, if you would do that, you wouldn't brolly feel any different, and there would be risk, that it could harm your relationship. Hook-ups are easy to find, true love is not.

:thumbs up::thumbs up::thumbs up:

 

[package15]

No open relationships all the way monogamy is boring and I will not do it because a bunch of queens pull the morals card, yet are cheating.

 

[Shelter]

a bunch of queens pull the morals card, yet are cheating.

:thinking::thinking: Your moral standards are yours and you can do whatever you want. But what you cannot do, is to insult all those who have not your mindset.

 

[topdog]

No open relationships all the way monogamy is boring and I will not do it because a bunch of queens pull the morals card, yet are cheating.

Do you want to try that again? I think the meaning may have gotten scrambled in translation.