How much support can I give to a friend? - NEED YOUR HELP!

[JonnyFantastico]

I'm actually hoping you guys can help me out with this one. That's right; Jonny Fantastico, the one with all of the answers, needs some advice. After you're done laughing, read on.

So, I'm genuinely at a loss with a situation going on with a close friend of mine.

There's a girl I've known for almost half of my life. I consider her family more than anything and her siblings are pretty much my own as well. Her parents are just as close to me and her children are my heart, point blank. There is almost nothing I wouldn't do for them.

But I think I may have finally hit a wall with her and I'm stuck.

About five years ago, she began dating another guy I knew back in high school. Our crews didn't really intercept, but I did know him from my friends back then and what I knew then wasn't particularly good. We used to call him "Racist ______" (the blank is his name) and at first, I thought it was just a dumb joke that they made up (I didn't make up the nickname) because he was one of the only fully Caucasian people in our school.

Comes to find out that it wasn't, but more on that later.

The beginning of their relationship already was pretty fucked: she had just ended another relationship with the father of her oldest child (who I honestly love more than words) and had been spinning out since a serious relationship she had years prior. She's always had the habit of needing to be attached to someone because I believe she honestly doesn't know how to be alone, which is sad enough. In truth, I've sort of come to deal with this with her; she's my friend and I try not to judge her for that.

It would be too long to express every single point that's wrong with their relationship, so I'll use bullet points:

• one time, while her oldest son was playing with some "Little People" dolls; which are multi-cultural, he made a comment that he would never let his "white daughter play with a black doll". I wasn't there when he made his comment, but it was relayed to me. It's funny considering he has Mexican and Asian in his blood and she is Puerto Rican... and his favorite rapper is The Notorious B.I.G. :no:
  
• he comes from quite a bad background: his mother left them (he, his brother and his father) when they were young and was never the best maternal figure. She is back in their lives now, but the relationship is not the best... and he holds this close to him always.
  
• he has a huge habit of lying and holding secrets from her, which she always finds out about.
  
• she has given birth to two more children since then with him. He is not the best father: he leaves everything to her while she's trying to do online college studies for her master's degree in psychology (there's some irony there, I assure you) and when he is home from work, he'd rather watch a baseball game then to help her out. One time, his son (the second child) was battling a stomach virus and rather than take care of him, he lifted him up by the shirt in order to keep him from vomiting on his clothes and called out for my friend... so he wouldn't miss any of his Yankee game. :rolling eyes:
  
• he cheated on her once before. He says that nothing happened, but all he did was want to see if he still had "it". ~X(
  
• he has called her every name in the book other than her birth name... in front of her parents AND her children, is worried about his money before his marriage... I could go on and on, but it still wouldn't hit the point of what I need help to, so....
  

Now, they have since married (this past May) and are still living with her parents (yes, I know... and yes, all three kids live with them as well, including my friends' 2 younger sisters) and things have taken the most horrific of turns. Recently, my friend found out that

• he had another cell phone that she didn't know about
  
• had another bank account that she didn't know about
  
• was cheating on her with another woman...

That's actually what this is about... yesterday, after months of denying it (mind you, they've only been married for three and this has been going on before that), it finally came to light that he was cheating on her with someone else. My friend called the girl and the girl told her that he admitted he had children, but not that he was married. Of course, this sent my friend into a tailspin. Her mother called me over to help out (she was there alone babysitting my friends' children and a couple of others) and her sister's friends were there as well, just in case things went out of control.

What happened was the most epic night of true fuckery I've ever seen.

At some point, they decided to take a walk (my friend and her douchebag husband) and during this walk, she decided to forgive him... until he joked around that the girl might be pregnant... which really sent my friend off in front of all of us.

To make a long story slightly shorter, after screaming it out in front of us (where he accused her of doing cocaine in front of her parents; something I KNOW she would never do and has never done), telling him to get out of her house (which she couldn't legally do considering he's on the lease) and that she wanted a divorce... *sighs* He kept begging to make it work and out of frustration, she decided to call the deacon that married them over to her place. He glanced over at me and I swear... the fucker was SMILING.

I wanted to stomp mud holes into his fucking chest. :bring it on:


OK, the deacon comes over, talks to them and after a couple of hours (where apparently, the deacon actually said she should forgive his misdeeds), they both went to bed. Together. In the same room.

Oh... and did I mention that when he found out that his wife knew about his girlfriend, he told his wife, "Because of you, I lost the woman of my dreams!" And not only that, but when he thought that she wouldn't forgive him; he had the BALLS to ask her to call the other girl and lie, saying that he wasn't married, so that he could stay with her! :angry:

WHAT?!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! REALLY?!

OK... my question is: after last night, after knowing everything that he has done to her repeatedly and what he can get away with, I want to know... is there any way I can sort of not deal with this anymore? It's obvious that she doesn't want to let him go and it's so frustrating to constantly hear these complaints and know that she's priming herself for shit piles higher than the Empire State Building... even her own sister said that she lost respect for her and she didn't want to hear anymore of it.

As a friend, do I have the same right to do the same? Until this is over (if it ever is by this point), I feel like I have nothing more to add to the conversation of it all and anything else she tells me will just make me want to shake her for being so dumb.

This isn't love. This never was love...

So... what do I do? Can I just sort of tell her to deal with her own problems without making our friendship suffer or am I just fucked?

- Jonny Fantastico

 

[Whisper]

I have to say that your situation is definitely not the easiest one. The guy is obviously master in manipulation and your friend cannot/won't see it. In the end it is her who has to make the decision.

I was once in a situation that was little similar. A person, who was and is very important to me was falling completely apart. She had had so rough time in her life that left her suicidal and hollow. I kept on dragging her along until I was ready to collapse myself. Luckily she had herself come to a point when she realized she needed help.

My point is that I think you can only offer her your friendship and support, be there for her but don't let her drag you with her.

I hope everything gets solved *hugs*

 

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

You are in the triangle of victimization

Johnny my dude you are in a typical drama triangle, or what one call the triangle of victimization. In psychology we use this triangle scheme for rocky relationship, drug abuse, abused woman and any other bad situation where one may become the persecutor, rescuer and the victim. Right now you are a VICTIM you're no longer a rescuer and you need to get off that chart before you become the persecutor. Like Whisper said take a step back but do not enter in the dance anymore. I am posting for you the definition of the triangle of victimization and you may find a solution for you in there and feel free to give it to your friend.



On each end are roles that we play in life. One is the persecutor, another is the victim and the last is the rescuer. If anyone in this triangle changes roles, the other two roles change as well.

PERSECUTOR - "It's All Your Fault"​

• Sets strict limits unnecessarily.​
• Blames​
• Criticizes​
• Keeps Victim oppressed​
• Is mobilized by anger​
• Rigid, authoritative stance​
• "Critical" Parent​

TO GET OFF THIS TRIANGLE, MOVE TO CLEAR STRUCTURE​

VICTIM - "Poor Me"

• Feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed​
• Looks for a Rescuer that will perpetuate their negative feelings.​
• If stays in Victim position, will block self from making decisions, solving problems, pleasure and self-understanding.​
• "Dejected" stance.​

TO GET OFF THIS TRIANGLE, MOVE TO PROBLEM SOLVING​

RESCUER - "Let Me Help You"​

• Rescues when really doesn't want to.​
• Feels guilty if doesn't rescue.​
• Keeps victim dependent.​
• Gives permission to fail.​
• Expects to fail in rescue attempts.​
• "Marshmallow" Parent​

TO GET OFF THIS TRIANGLE, MOVE TO CLEAR NURTURING


To answer your question, you have all the right to bow down from this situation because she'll be dragging you in some drama that you were not the initiator. Do you really want to be blamed for something you haven't done when in fact you really just want to help? Yours assistance failed and it is not because of you it's because of her with her love dependency, but if you keep wanting to help you are dragging yourself in a snake pit where you are going to lose not only your friend but your sanity as well. If she knows the dude wasn't good for her in the first time and she did marry him anyway because of the children she had, this is her choice and she'll have to live with it but YOU don't YOU have other things to deal with so break the triangle and move to some save place. Their relationship will break anytime soon and it will not be pretty so be around to help when this will happen but do not for heaven' sake DO NOT enter this triangle it's an endless pit.



All the best to you!


Jake :cheers:​

 

[JonnyFantastico]

Whisper, I totally feel you there (there goes my NYC speak again), but it's just so damn upsetting. I know it's all mental and emotional and the ties that bind those things are sometimes truly hard to unwrap, but it's like "when is enough enough?!" He's put her through so much and it's actually affecting her health now: she's losing weight, has ulcers now and she's actually bringing it out on her kids now; she's always stressed and hurt.

I literally hear a new problem everyday (this is actually the first day in a couple of weeks where I haven't heard anything) and it's just so... tiring. You're very much right; she's sort of dragging me into things now (she actually doesn't have many friends anymore and the ones she does have usually have their own issues to sort out) and it's just exhausting.

As someone who usually sees himself as trying to help people out, I'm at a complete loss.

 

[JonnyFantastico]

Jake, you hit some very interesting points; some right on the head. There are moments where I honestly feel like the more I say, the more I feel useless because she won't listen to reason. The girl I knew all so long ago is dying more and more by the day and it breaks my heart to witness it.

I honestly hope with all of my being that things do change and see realizes just how damning it is. It's scary to see how it effects everyone in that house: her stepfather (who raised her and is more of her father than anything) wants to protect her, but can't seem to find a right place in saying or doing anything. Her mother, who is a breast cancer survivor has actually started smoking again (I told her that she needs to stop, but even I sadly understand the pressure she is under not only to protect her daughter, but to protect her grandchildren as well) and her two sisters just straight up don't like the guy or, in truth, their own sister anymore.

It's such a vicious circle and I guess I just want a way out of it with as much minimal damage as possible. :worried:

 

[dummaque]

I think my jaw dropped about halfway through, and by the end, I wanted to buy your friend a plaque autographed by Dan Savage, engraved with DTMFA.

Dump The MotherFucker Already.

Dude is an absolute tumor that needs to be cut out immediately. No conversation, nothing.

 

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

Jake, you hit some very interesting points; some right on the head. There are moments where I honestly feel like the more I say, the more I feel useless because she won't listen to reason. The girl I knew all so long ago is dying more and more by the day and it breaks my heart to witness it.

I honestly hope with all of my being that things do change and see realizes just how damning it is. It's scary to see how it effects everyone in that house: her stepfather (who raised her and is more of her father than anything) wants to protect her, but can't seem to find a right place in saying or doing anything. Her mother, who is a breast cancer survivor has actually started smoking again (I told her that she needs to stop, but even I sadly understand the pressure she is under not only to protect her daughter, but to protect her grandchildren as well) and her two sisters just straight up don't like the guy or, in truth, their own sister anymore.

It's such a vicious circle and I guess I just want a way out of it with as much minimal damage as possible. :worried:

Exactly Johnny that's what she's doing she is bringing every one in the black hole, you guys are all going to be dragged in her relationship and you'll all become victims and that makes her the persecutor... but whom will be your rescuer? HER I don't think so... so all of you let her deal with it... when she'll see that no one wants to help anymore she'll take the right decision but more and more you try to help her more and more she'll be dependent on you guys and she'll become your persecutor and she'll end up blaming you all. Trust me I know what I'm talking about I did way too much work on the field to not know what's coming next to you and the others. RUN Forest RUN away lol :rofl:

 

[jw4833]

Johnny my dude you are in a typical drama triangle, or what one call the triangle of victimization. In psychology we use this triangle scheme for rocky relationship, drug abuse, abused woman and any other bad situation where one may become the persecutor, rescuer and the victim. Right now you are a VICTIM you're no longer a rescuer and you need to get off that chart before you become the persecutor. Like Whisper said take a step back but do not enter in the dance anymore. I am posting for you the definition of the triangle of victimization and you may find a solution for you in there and feel free to give it to your friend.



On each end are roles that we play in life. One is the persecutor, another is the victim and the last is the rescuer. If anyone in this triangle changes roles, the other two roles change as well.

PERSECUTOR - "It's All Your Fault"​

• Sets strict limits unnecessarily.​
• Blames​
• Criticizes​
• Keeps Victim oppressed​
• Is mobilized by anger​
• Rigid, authoritative stance​
• "Critical" Parent​

TO GET OFF THIS TRIANGLE, MOVE TO CLEAR STRUCTURE​

VICTIM - "Poor Me"

• Feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed​
• Looks for a Rescuer that will perpetuate their negative feelings.​
• If stays in Victim position, will block self from making decisions, solving problems, pleasure and self-understanding.​
• "Dejected" stance.​

TO GET OFF THIS TRIANGLE, MOVE TO PROBLEM SOLVING​

RESCUER - "Let Me Help You"​

• Rescues when really doesn't want to.​
• Feels guilty if doesn't rescue.​
• Keeps victim dependent.​
• Gives permission to fail.​
• Expects to fail in rescue attempts.​
• "Marshmallow" Parent​

TO GET OFF THIS TRIANGLE, MOVE TO CLEAR NURTURING


To answer your question, you have all the right to bow down from this situation because she'll be dragging you in some drama that you were not the initiator. Do you really want to be blamed for something you haven't done when in fact you really just want to help? Yours assistance failed and it is not because of you it's because of her with her love dependency, but if you keep wanting to help you are dragging yourself in a snake pit where you are going to lose not only your friend but your sanity as well. If she knows the dude wasn't good for her in the first time and she did marry him anyway because of the children she had, this is her choice and she'll have to live with it but YOU don't YOU have other things to deal with so break the triangle and move to some save place. Their relationship will break anytime soon and it will not be pretty so be around to help when this will happen but do not for heaven' sake DO NOT enter this triangle it's an endless pit.



All the best to you!


Jake :cheers:​

I agree with Jake and Whisper...You need to put some distance because little do you know now..you are a part of this situation and the effects can bring you down because you care so much about your friend. I had a former friend who was in a similar situation and no matter how much advice and support you gave..the end result was that he always went back to the asshole and then you are drained from putting forth all of your energy to support this person. Therefore, after seeing that he always went back to him, I put distance between us because he basically chose him over our friendship. This is something unfortunately, that your friend is going to have to realize on her own or with counseling before matters get worse. Because once my ex-friend decided to leave..the end result was that he went into counseling and psychiatric therapy for developing such a low self-esteem from that relationship as well as depression...:worried:

 

[slimjim]

Hey JonnyBoi - I agree with the main points mentioned by most. You have to walk away and maintain a safe distance for now, or you will just be sucked in deeper and deeper. And if she comes around to seeing how things really are she is going to need some true friends waiting there on the outside to help her put things back together.

 

[Fredric13]

Jonny,

This is the same situation friends find themselves in with drug addicts, alcoholics, or even those addicted to gambling. Until the person hits rock bottom and really wants help, there is little you can do, but sit on the sidelines and show you care. Sometimes just being there and listening is the best support you can give.

Ultimately it is up to the individual to change their situation. If he were to physically abuse her then the law could step in, but even if there is psychological abuse, you could point her to some councilling services or support groups.

Right now you are too close to the situation and any advice you give could seem suspicious even though you only want what's best.

I wish you luck. It's never easy to watch the ones we love get hurt. It's even harder to watch them hurt themselves.

 

[hawtsean]

Some totally excellent advice and support already given, so I won't waste space duplicating it. Here's a very old joke with current validity:


QUESTION:
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

ANSWER:
None, it has to want to change on its own.

 

[777]

In situations like this it's strange that we always expect the victim to be able to take initiative and be strong. She'll get there or die trying, but making her feel even worse won't help her. If she talks about the situation, don't offer counsel, just listen and if you feel she's able to talk, talk about the options she has. Her husband has found the ways to break her and make her stay. It's even worse when there's religious authorities dragged into it. If everyone keeps just showing her contempt, it'll be just harder for her to let go of him because it just proves how wrong she has been. I think she feels like a failure already and it only keeps getting worse. Every time a friend or a family member gets angry at her or isolates her because of the situation it's her husband's victory.

The the only thing you can really do is offer help if she wants it, but most importantly, keep repeating that the things her husband is doing are wrong. That he shouldn't be doing any of those things. If she has someone to take her to see a lawyer about the house, to talk about her and the children's position, maybe see a deacon who has other ideas about how much a wife should take... give concrete help, not just say you should do this and this because that won't certainly help a bit.

It's impossible to be there for her alone like you seem to be doing, and it's obviously affecting your mental health. Could you talk with the other members of the family? Get info and help from support groups for domestic violence victims, they offer help for friends and relatives. The children too, getting them to talk to someone professional would be important. Children are extremely protective about their families though, they might not say anything no matter how bad they feel, but someone who specialises to these kind of situations knows what to do.

 

[Tom]

Hi Jonny,

What a mess this situation is.

Couple of things I would want to know first.

Is he physically abusive to her or the children?
Mental abuse? A bit tougher.
If there is any then someone has to get involved.

I'm guessing she is not confiding any of this to her parents. But she
is coming to you, so obviously she needs help and support. She's confused and lost.
If it were me. I would tell her she's in a horrible marriage and she needs to get out.

Best of luck!

 

[JonnyFantastico]

Could you talk with the other members of the family?

Here's the thing and quite the kicker: they live with her parents...

That's right, you read that correctly. They live with her parents and her sisters in one apartment; 9 people in total (him and her, three kids, mother and father, two sisters). Not to mention that her mother is a professional babysitter and watches other kids during the day.

They are ALL privy to what's going on and yes, they were all there yesterday (minus one of her sisters).

777, I have never outright told her anything negative about herself; I have always said, "You don't deserve this. You don't need to put yourself through this; you're better than that"; things of that nature. I know she didn't set out for things to take this course and I would never put that on her. I have repeated these things time and time again. If not for her sake, for the sake of the kids who really don't need that kind of person around.

Hi Jonny,

Is he physically abusive to her or the children?
Mental abuse?

Mostly mental, but they have gotten into physical fights before and he has actually been known to injure himself when pushed too much. When they were just dating and they broke up for some reason, he punched his fist through a glass window.

However... *sighs* I shouldn't be admitting this. Let's just say she has let her anger get the best of her and has taken it out on the children more than once. She has never gone too far, but still... it goes far enough where I've wanted to... *sighs* Yeah.

 

[777]

Here's the thing and quite the kicker: they live with her parents...

That's right, you read that correctly. They live with her parents and her sisters in one apartment; 9 people in total (him and her, three kids, mother and father, two sisters). Not to mention that her mother is a professional babysitter and watches other kids during the day.

They are ALL privy to what's going on and yes, they were all there yesterday (minus one of her sisters).

777, I have never outright told her anything negative about herself; I have always said, "You don't deserve this. You don't need to put yourself through this; you're better than that"; things of that nature. I know she didn't set out for things to take this course and I would never put that on her. I have repeated these things time and time again. If not for her sake, for the sake of the kids who really don't need that kind of person around.

I would think getting one man out of the house wouldn't be such a problem if they all wanted him gone, and I mean the family would tell him that this has to stop or he is out, not just his wife. Confront the husband about his actions and about how hurtful they are. Not let him just sail through it feeling he's in the right. It just isn't right to expect her to handle the whole thing alone. Other people have the right, and the duty, to interfere, especially as it is affecting the whole family, not just your friend and her husband.

I hope you find the strength to continue being supportive. I didn't mean to sound harsh, it's just that I know it's difficult to not to judge or try give advice.

Mostly mental, but they have gotten into physical fights before and he has actually been known to injure himself when pushed too much. When they were just dating and they broke up for some reason, he punched his fist through a glass window.

However... *sighs* I shouldn't be admitting this. Let's just say she has let her anger get the best of her and has taken it out on the children more than once. She has never gone too far, but still... it goes far enough where I've wanted to... *sighs* Yeah.

It's typical for people in these situations to be abusive themselves too. All the more reason to go ask help from a support group or other place where they'd know what to do. It doesn't matter how "mild" the violence is, it should stop. Mental abuse always exists before physical does, and if the children have been through physical they certainly have experienced the mental too. The parents' fighting always affects the children too (I don't mean the normal kind of fighting). Your friend needs to come to understand that it's not only him hurting other people, it's her too, taking it out on the children. They need outside help.

That kind of "hurts himself" thing is just another way of blackmailing and manipulating your friend to stay. What next, "I'll kill myself". He seems to have a good grip of her...

 

[topdog]

I see two parts to this. Others have already hit on key points, but I want to try to snap some things into focus.

How to help her

777 is right on. I know you want to tell her to get the hell away from this guy and stop giving in to him. But, as you already know, she's not taking any of that in. You've told her what she needs to know; repeating the message is only going to feel like one more burden for her to bear - which she doesn't need right now.

Her marriage might be drained of love, but she still has at least one relationship that is rock solid and offers real love: you. You may feel like you are ineffective and your presence and intentions are wasted, but don't underestimate the value of having a friend who is a safe harbor. A friend can't change her, but he can be supportive, a shoulder to cry on, and a reliable source of acceptance.

The other need that you might be able to fill is to help with the kids. If your friend is not accepting help, then I would concentrate on them. They could probably use some time away from home with an adult that they know well and who is not falling apart. She might welcome the time to heal, and as for Mr. DTMFA, the less time he is influencing the kids the better.

How to help you

Now the question is: are you mentally and emotionally in a place to be that supportive friend? I am not entirely clear from what you have written how damaged you are right now. You are writing very clearly about what your friend is experiencing, but not so much about how you are doing.

If you are extremely frustrated with her and this situation, but it is not sucking all the energy and happiness out of the rest of your life - then you may be healthy enough to be a friend to her through this, as I described above. Let her know that you support her as a friend, but set limits so this one relationship doesn't take over your life.

On the other hand, if you feel that your life is being sucked away, or you come home emotionally exhausted from every encounter with her - then I stand behind Jake's advice. For everyone's sake, you need to withdraw from the situation and give yourself time to heal. There is no need for you to become one more casualty in this psychological pileup. Hopefully if you give yourself time to recover, you may be able to come back when you are healthy and give her support out of your new found strength.

If you are always taking the rescuer role and that drains you of life, then the time has come to look closely at yourself and examine that. Give yourself some good downtime and pay attention to your needs because you are constantly taking that role to ignore them. In this case you need to work on your own issues, and assisting your very needy friend is out of the question. As the airline flight attendants always say, "Please secure your own oxygen mask before helping others."

This is a nightmare situation for everyone involved. You are a very compassionate friend, so it is hitting your just as deeply. That is OK - you are starting from a place of love. But you have to accept the fact that, at best, you are going to play a small supportive role in this drama. (And if you are wounded, it might be best to get out of this movie altogether.) Only the primary players can change the course of this story. You need to take stock of your needs, and decide where you go from here.

Your love for your friend is just as strong no matter what you do. This isn't about rejecting her; it's about who you are and what you need right now.

 

[JonnyFantastico]

I feel as if I should update you on what's going on.

She and I really haven't talked much; her choice. I went over to her house on Saturday and she was pretty silent toward me. It was a little weird, but I hung out with her mother and sister that day (who I am just as close to). I just got this message in my inbox on Facebook...

Her mother:

She's getting rid of him.

Me:

And the sigh of relief we all needed has arrived. What changed her mind?

Her mother:

The betrayal is too deep. Yesterday, she had a colonoscopy; they took out a polyp, (Her daughter) had a fever of 102.2. so it was chaos here yesterday. I went to bed with (her daughter) because she was sick. They started arguing at that time because he wants joint custody because he thinks she wont let him see the kids; she told him that he would. He's just trying to be an a-hole. She should leave it like that and they day they have to go to court; let the judge know exactly what type of dad he is.

So hopefully, the beginning of the end has arrived and it's been a long time coming. I just honestly hope she sticks to her guns. This man has been nothing but pure poison since the day he's arrived and she's long overdue for a cure.

 

[Whisper]

I truly hope everything will be ok soon *hugs*

 

[hawtsean]

So hopefully, the beginning of the end has arrived and it's been a long time coming. I just honestly hope she sticks to her guns. This man has been nothing but pure poison since the day he's arrived and she's long overdue for a cure.

I feel with you, JonnyF. It's the devil's own work (to use that old phrase) when partners who are parents must separate - regardless of the reason. In this one, the acrimony is especially hurtful, since the kids end up as pawns. I too hope that she steers her course toward making a new life for herself and her kids.

 

[JonnyFantastico]

So I went over to my friend's place yesterday and actually had a chance to sit down and speak to her...

As she sat next to me on her balcony, smoking a cigarette or two, she told me everything she was feeling. She told me that she realized what she needed to do and that while it was hard, it was something she had to do to bring herself back to herself.

We spoke for a good straight hour; her unleashing everything she felt: about how she was just married not even 3 months before his affair was out in the open, about how he lied to her and how hurt she felt. She said, "I should be waking up in pure bliss as a happy wife and instead, I feel like with every phone call, every moment he's away from me... I have to jump and worry about if he's still talking to her or someone else.... and I can't do that. I owe more to myself than that. Every time he tries to kiss me, touch me or get near me... I feel disgusted. And I don't want to feel that way anymore."

On top of all of that, he actually told a friend of his that he felt like he had to marry her (which of course, was pure bullshit. He's the one who proposed, the one who shelled out thousands (!) of dollars for their very elaborate wedding and reception and everything else).

The friend and he are no longer speaking with the friend coming outright and saying that he was ashamed to even know him and that he wished he wasn't the godfather to his child.

Wow...

But anyway, that's not the point. She's ready for a divorce and of course, he's trying to be a dick. I told her that she could possibly get it annulled if that's how she honestly felt, so she's working through everything now.

The reason why I'm actually updating you all once again is something I haven't seen in my friend's eyes in such a long time.

Hope.

Yes, she's obviously very sad and upset about how everything turned out, but while speaking to her yesterday, I actually saw a glimmer of life slide back into her. Maybe she needed her own time, like you all said; to get there herself, but there was a bit of the girl I once knew coming back to the surface. We talked about loads of other things; some silly, some serious... but actually hearing the strength in her words and even better, a genuine laugh (more than one, actually) coming from her really touched me and I truly do hope that it's just a sign of things to come. Things aren't perfect yet in her house yet; they are still shaky, but I believe that she's finally at that corner and with my support (as well as those of the people who love her), she'll be making that turn.

Thanks for all of your advice, guys. It meant a lot to read your words and I have taken them to heart. I will still be standing in her background for now; allowing her to make these decisions on her own (it's something that she must do in her own power; I realize that now), but it's good to see her attempting to get on a much better path.

Yes, I will still keep you all updated.