how to get over frist crush

[wardell]

how do you get over your first crush? my problem is I keep living in the past and don't know how to stop. his name is Kyle and I have had a crush on him since 1999 he was my bestfriend we grow up together as teens he was the first guy I was ever attracted to I missed 3 ops. to be with him in H.School I was to afraid and I think that is what pulled us apart plus he moved but things were never the same after that and we are no longer friends I found him on facebook and to this today I still miss him I don't know how to move on I miss my bestfriend

 

[topdog]

First, I think you need to be specific about what you miss. You miss the person he was in high school and how you felt about him. That's understandable.

But you need to add this layer on top of that - neither he nor you are those same teenagers. You long for what you had in the past, but that is not possible in the present. It no longer exits.

What you do have is a shared history and the basis for having a nice catch-up conversation. After all, that's pretty much what Facebook is for. He could definitely be friend material - and there are no friends quite like old friends.

But odds are, he has had other loves - real adult loves - and probably is with someone now. Placing romantic expectations on him would not be wise, and would probably kill the idea of developing a friendship.

What I think is going on here is that you are looking for a shortcut.

Let me explain. Lots of people would like to be rich. Some people cut their expenses and put away money and slowly invest and by the time they are in their 50s or 60s have a nice portfolio of money that they can now use to earn even more money with larger investments. They have a nice retirement traveling with friends and buying a second home in Florida.

Other people also want to be rich, but don't want the time and sacrifice required for saving and investing so they buy lottery tickets, hoping that one will pay off and they will be rich.

The truth is, the second method doesn't really work. It gives you the illusion of moving toward your goal, but really you are not.

I think you are treating this guy as a ticket in the love lottery. Rather than do the hard work of putting yourself out there and meeting people and dating, and getting your heart broken then moving on and trying again - you see the opportunity for this guy to ride in on a white horse and be "the one" and take you away so you don't have to do all the hard work everyone says you have to do.

My advice would be to not put your hopes in shortcuts and instead plot out what you need to do to make more friends. The best dates are the ones that friends set up for you or encourage you to take. If you build your friend base the love interest usually follows, because the skills you use to take care of your friends are the same skills you need to build a romantic relationship.

 

[wardell]

I still I have a crush on him but I have no illusions of ever being with him romantic or friend wise he is married and has 3 kids but he does not even want to be my friend it made me happy that I find him and he lives close by but when I sent a friend request it was denied I even send a message saying who I was. it makes me sad knowing that that friendship is dead. and that I will probably never have a friend like that again.

 

[Otage]

If you are not friends anymore, stop spying on his life. His like a loved person who has died: the good memories remain, and bad ones are fading away. Memories stay even though the person is not in your life anymore.

And some do the mistake when thinking of good memories, that they think that "all that is gone and i dont have it anymore" when positive way of memorizing is " it was good times, and Im glad to have experienced it" etc.

But since he is not dead, you have to make clear to yourself that he is not part of your life anymore. If you wanna be friends,then treat him like friend. One would never kill good friendship some fantasies that cant be.

Instead of past, look to the future. See it, plan how to get there. Focus on finding new crush, or focus smth else important in your life. If we have nowhere to go, you can either enjoy presence or wallow in past. Past is important, but it's gone, so don't get stuck in there.