I can't reconcile myself to sexual orietation.

[Wąsik]

Hey guys,

I'm writting to you about my big problem. Namely I mean about my sexual orietation. I'm bisexual or gay - still don't know. But I'm pretty sure that my family won't accept that fact. The problem is that I isolated from society and I fall into melancholy and now I don't have anyone of course except family. I think that I need someone who will be close to me, someone who will gave me good feelings. The problem is who can it be? woman, man? I don't know if I can be in relationship with guy... cos I don't want to hurt people. So guys, how did you accept fact that you're gay/bi? what ways?

Aww and the last thing, how I should find a the only one partner?

 

[Sinnerr]

gay or bi? well, have you ever been in relationship or had sex with a girl? you can try to watch some lesbian porn and you will see if females turn you on ...

Your doubts are normal during comming out. But remember that no one has right to feel hurted if you'd have a boyfriend. You're just born this way. And you have to do what makes you happy.

My inner comming out was when I was 18 (cca 4 years ago). I realized that all of my friends had some romance(s) behind them and I was still virgin. So I let myself to think about it openly (I think I suspected my orientation since I was cca 12, but I was refusing to think about it seriously before - "just right girl haven't came yet"). And I found out that I'm interested to males only

 

[tonka]

You say in another post that you'll be starting new studies soon. University?
There's no better time and place to explore yourself. Take it a bit at a time. Find some friends...some gay friends. Once you have some friends, these issues will start to look different to you.

 

[richym]

Well I guess my advice would be to find those people to just support you as you explore and work out who you are. If you are living in an isolated area, maybe you need to have a couple of online friends who are willing to walk beside you, and support you as you just work out who you are and what that means for your future.

 

[Wąsik]

gay or bi? well, have you ever been in relationship or had sex with a girl? you can try to watch some lesbian porn and you will see if females turn you on ...

Your doubts are normal during comming out. But remember that no one has right to feel hurted if you'd have a boyfriend. You're just born this way. And you have to do what makes you happy.

My inner comming out was when I was 18 (cca 4 years ago). I realized that all of my friends had some romance(s) behind them and I was still virgin. So I let myself to think about it openly (I think I suspected my orientation since I was cca 12, but I was refusing to think about it seriously before - "just right girl haven't came yet"). And I found out that I'm interested to males only

I haven't been in relationship and I hadn't sex with anyone, because hmm I have apprehension about it. Please don't laught of me! :blushing:
Well, the porn is credible means of define sexual orietation? I don't think that I can touch a guy in real. Actually I think that anyone can turn me on (oh my, I feel strange writting that way!) from nature films . Or maybe I'm just talking this because I want to feel I'm straight? :worried:

You say in another post that you'll be starting new studies soon. University?
There's no better time and place to explore yourself. Take it a bit at a time. Find some friends...some gay friends. Once you have some friends, these issues will start to look different to you.

Yes, it's second chance for me. At first time didn't manage with it, with my moods and etc. things. I'm abnormal!
I don't thing that it's nice time, I felt really, really stressed. And I don't want even remind about it... It was one of the most hopeless things in my life.

Well I guess my advice would be to find those people to just support you as you explore and work out who you are. If you are living in an isolated area, maybe you need to have a couple of online friends who are willing to walk beside you, and support you as you just work out who you are and what that means for your future.

I'm living in an isolated area, unfortunately. Last time I forced myself to make an accont on some pages, and those gay people don't like me cos I'm pessimist. X_X. I can't change myself, my personality forming that way...

 

[Tjerk12]

Since I don't know your social situation (depends on which country you live) it would be haughty to think that I could give proper advise. But pessimism is another matter. You could compare someone's mood with a balance. It depends on what your mind gives weight to things whether the balance goes to the right or the left. It is a bit like cycling. When you have to cycle 200 km's, you will feel a lot of moments of despair. But just by going on, your mood can change into optimism. What I mean is, try, try and try harder. Consider a glass not half empty, but half full, for a change.

 

[Sinnerr]

Well, I think no one laughts at you. There is no reason. You're definetely not first nor last guy in this situation. Even here on gayheaven were similar ones.

Anyway, I think you should care less what others think about you and concentrate to what are your real needs instead. And also change your mind - Be an optimist!

 

[bluefish22]

Hey Wąsik,

My experience differs greatly from yours. I grew up in a very liberal area of the US in a very "inclusive" household. I'm now in my mid-twenties. I didn't come out until I was 17 (in high-school) and had only kept it a secret until then because I wanted to be cool (and being gay just seemed like a very uncool thing to be.) Some of my family members didn't like it at first though I've always received their support and it's now not an issue at all. I've never not liked the fact that I liked guys though or not liked myself for liking guys so I never had to "accept it" or struggle with it in the same way you seem to be doing. Despite these differences, I figured I'd offer some advice.

First, there's really no pressure in needing to identify as either bi, gay, straight, or anything else. It's very easy for people to think of others and themselves in these kinds of terms and social norms do seem to encourage this method of identification (and discourage avoiding it) though sexuality is a very broad matter that's still far from being fully understood. I would encourage you to be honest with yourself about what you like (or don't like) whatever it may be and, if possible, live your life in a way that responsibly meets your wants and needs. (I add the phrase "if possible" as I don't know your specific situation, where you live, whether you would be harmed for being gay or perceived as gay, etc. It is normally inadvisable to put yourself in danger and is not something I intend to encourage.)

Also, you are right to show concern for the interests and needs of loved ones though it sounds like your family would benefit from doing the same with you. You also need to value your own individual happiness - something you seem to be sacrificing to avoid upsetting others.

In any event, you said you were isolated from society and seemed not to have anyone but family to talk to. I'm willing to be a friend whenever you need it so feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk (school, work, your struggles, video games, boys, girls, etc.)

 

[tonka]

I remember a boy here. I was very fond of him. He was smart and interesting, and had thoughts much like you, Wasik.
We all talked a lot. It was fun; it was interesting; it was intense at times. But in the end, that boy could not make a move. He was frozen in his unhappy reality. He remained isolated as he was. One day, he was gone.
Sometimes, a move, any move, is an act of empowerment. If your life is unhappy, shake it up. That boy couldn't do that. Maybe you can.

 

[garth33]

I remember a boy here. I was very fond of him. He was smart and interesting, and had thoughts much like you, Wasik.
We all talked a lot. It was fun; it was interesting; it was intense at times. But in the end, that boy could not make a move. He was frozen in his unhappy reality. He remained isolated as he was. One day, he was gone.
Sometimes, a move, any move, is an act of empowerment. If your life is unhappy, shake it up. That boy couldn't do that. Maybe you can.

There are a lot of guys who would prefer to stay "safe" and not take that step to put themselves out there. It is a risk but the rewards could be way more substantial. You're "safe" if you don't stick your neck out...but you don't seem happy just being safe either...so what do you have to lose? Some kind of an unsatisfying, ackward home base you don't want to be at anyway?

Go for it dude....you only live once but you might have an entire lifetime for regret! What would you choose?

peace buddy,
g33

 

[garwin]

I have been in and out of the closet not accpting my sexuality my whole life. I am now 60 and finally have accepted my self for who I am. It is less important to put a label on yourself (gay or bi or ???), but just love yourself for yourself, accepting that you are on a journey of exploration. My biggest problem was shame - I had a lot of it and it kept me from connecting with others - men and women. I have been meeting with groups of men for 20 years (99% straight) who have accepted me in my state of feeling alot of shame. So many men feel shame and have grown up afraid of men. I have been supported and loved, and finally feel worthy of having my own life. Shame is a such a destructive force. There are many organizations in the US (look under 'menstuff') where you can get the love and support you need to live. Don't give up!!

 

[topdog]

I'm writing to you about my big problem. Namely I mean about my sexual orientation. ... But I'm pretty sure that my family won't accept that fact. The problem is that I isolated from society and I fall into melancholy and now I don't have anyone of course except family. ... I don't know if I can be in relationship with guy... cos I don't want to hurt people.

I don't think your sexual orientation is your problem. That is just an aspect of yourself with which you will become more familiar with as you mature. You will be attracted to people; you will fall in love. That will work itself out.

The bigger issue here is that you feel that your family is all you have, and you feel that they may reject you if they learn that you are gay. You also don't want to cause those around you to be upset, or hurt, or angry. (Because then you will have nobody in your life.)

You also mention your melancholy. I don't know where the depression is coming from . (Do you?) I don't know why you are pulling away from the outside world. (Why do you think that is?)

But I can say that when you combine the depression and isolation with the need to keep everyone around you happy - you are taking on an impossible task.

Some facts:

• You are who you are, and the absolute best thing you can do with your life is to use the every gift and resource you have received.
• Your sexuality (whatever it is) is a gift that will help deeply connect you to some of the most important relationships you have ahead of you.
• You cannot lock that part of yourself away, without paying a high penalty in all your present close relationships with your family. You are lying to them and pretending to be something you are not. Even though you are telling them something that they want to hear, in the long run you are disrespecting them - assuming that they cannot love the real you. You are not even giving them the chance to grow and change their opinion on homosexuality - you are making the decision for them.
• Locking your sexuality away also removes your ability to connect with others and find a loving partner in the future. No guy is going to ask you out if they think you are straight. You have cut off the possibility of love before it can even begin.
• Like every family in the world - they don't yet see "you". They see the image and the expectations they have of you. In this aspect, you are in the same position as the son who is expected to go into the family business (when he really wants to go into politics). Or the daughter who is assumed to quickly marry and start a family (when she really wants to go into business). As long as your goal is to please them, you have no choice but to build a life that corresponds to the fantasy they have for your future.
• It's not your job to make your family happy. (Your job is described in the back in the first point.) Sure, it's nice when they are proud of you and everyone pats you on the back. But you can't set the course of your life by someone else's dreams. It isn't enough. Part of growing up is facing the fact that sometimes your family will agree with your life, and sometimes they won't. Either way, it's your life.

None of this means that you should be coming out to your family right now. (Coming out as... what? You aren't sure yet.) It's just saying that your present direction isn't sustainable in the long term. It's a picture of what's ahead for you. And there is love, acceptance, and many friends in your future. You just have to get there.

What you need to do right now is tackle the depression and isolation. That can be a serious combination if left untreated. I don't know where you are or what resources you have available - but I would start with a doctor. He or she will hear what you are feeling and be able to test for anything that may be physically wrong. They will also be able to refer you to a specialist.

Another resource would be counselling or therapy of some kind. You really need someone outside yourself and your family to be able to weigh in on what you are dealing with.

If that is not possible there are various organizations, help lines, and group programs that might be helpful. But the main point is that you have to take the next step to get better. You are the only one that can start moving you out of danger, and into a healthier place. There are lots of people that have the training and experience to make a big difference in your life. But you have to be the one to raise your hand and say that you need some help.

 

[Wąsik]

Since I don't know your social situation (depends on which country you live) it would be haughty to think that I could give proper advise. But pessimism is another matter. You could compare someone's mood with a balance. It depends on what your mind gives weight to things whether the balance goes to the right or the left. It is a bit like cycling. When you have to cycle 200 km's, you will feel a lot of moments of despair. But just by going on, your mood can change into optimism. What I mean is, try, try and try harder. Consider a glass not half empty, but half full, for a change.

You're a smart really smart person and I agree with your comparison about human mood. But I don't want to change, actually the optimism is something weird for me. I don't know how to explain it. I see that people don't like people who are another form norm.

Well, I think no one laughts at you. There is no reason. You're definetely not first nor last guy in this situation. Even here on gayheaven were similar ones.

Anyway, I think you should care less what others think about you and concentrate to what are your real needs instead. And also change your mind - Be an optimist!

Thanks, I'm glad that I can write about my problems. I don't know what are my needs. I'm a little bit homophobic, and don't care about unfamiliar people!

[...]
First, there's really no pressure in needing to identify as either bi, gay, straight, or anything else. It's very easy for people to think of others and themselves in these kinds of terms and social norms do seem to encourage this method of identification (and discourage avoiding it) though sexuality is a very broad matter that's still far from being fully understood. I would encourage you to be honest with yourself about what you like (or don't like) whatever it may be and, if possible, live your life in a way that responsibly meets your wants and needs. (I add the phrase "if possible" as I don't know your specific situation, where you live, whether you would be harmed for being gay or perceived as gay, etc. It is normally inadvisable to put yourself in danger and is not something I intend to encourage.)

Also, you are right to show concern for the interests and needs of loved ones though it sounds like your family would benefit from doing the same with you. You also need to value your own individual happiness - something you seem to be sacrificing to avoid upsetting others.

In any event, you said you were isolated from society and seemed not to have anyone but family to talk to. I'm willing to be a friend whenever you need it so feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk (school, work, your struggles, video games, boys, girls, etc.)

Aww how to be honest with myself? I'm more intereted in guys it's my animal nature. So I don't want to be gay or bi. I want to have a small house with wife and small daugter. I'm a paralysed of anxiety...
Yes I'm totally alone, didn't predict that I will feel loneliness. Thanks for your proposition I will remember about it. You're really lovely guy.

I remember a boy here. I was very fond of him. He was smart and interesting, and had thoughts much like you, Wasik.
We all talked a lot. It was fun; it was interesting; it was intense at times. But in the end, that boy could not make a move. He was frozen in his unhappy reality. He remained isolated as he was. One day, he was gone.
Sometimes, a move, any move, is an act of empowerment. If your life is unhappy, shake it up. That boy couldn't do that. Maybe you can.

I can't... change it because it's wasted and it doesn't have any sense...

There are a lot of guys who would prefer to stay "safe" and not take that step to put themselves out there. It is a risk but the rewards could be way more substantial. You're "safe" if you don't stick your neck out...but you don't seem happy just being safe either...so what do you have to lose? Some kind of an unsatisfying, ackward home base you don't want to be at anyway?

Go for it dude....you only live once but you might have an entire lifetime for regret! What would you choose?

peace buddy,
g33

I will lose my family and probably my home. Well, where I will go after?
I don't know why, but I feel less masculine through that things..

I have been in and out of the closet not accpting my sexuality my whole life. I am now 60 and finally have accepted my self for who I am. It is less important to put a label on yourself (gay or bi or ???), but just love yourself for yourself, accepting that you are on a journey of exploration. My biggest problem was shame - I had a lot of it and it kept me from connecting with others - men and women. I have been meeting with groups of men for 20 years (99% straight) who have accepted me in my state of feeling alot of shame. So many men feel shame and have grown up afraid of men. I have been supported and loved, and finally feel worthy of having my own life. Shame is a such a destructive force. There are many organizations in the US (look under 'menstuff') where you can get the love and support you need to live. Don't give up!!

The shame feeling is really wellknown for me. Unfortunately US is so so so much from my country. And I think athat anyone will love me because I'm strange and not handsome enought. (I mean I want to be.) But thanks.

I don't think your sexual orientation is your problem. That is just an aspect of yourself with which you will become more familiar with as you mature. You will be attracted to people; you will fall in love. That will work itself out.

I know how it looks like, my post about family, but sorry sexual orientation is my problem. I don't like it. Don't accept it, not only because of them. I won't,.. I totally
withdrawed, I can't speak with people, they are just don't like me! simply...

The bigger issue here is that you feel that your family is all you have, and you feel that they may reject you if they learn that you are gay. You also don't want to cause those around you to be upset, or hurt, or angry. (Because then you will have nobody in your life.)

But it is a completely truth!I will have nobody.

You also mention your melancholy. I don't know where the depression is coming from . (Do you?) I don't know why you are pulling away from the outside world. (Why do you think that is?)

Yes I do. I'm not go with pepole... I'm a little bit weird. Aww thanks for the list.

What you need to do right now is tackle the depression and isolation. That can be a serious combination if left untreated. I don't know where you are or what resources you have available - but I would start with a doctor. He or she will hear what you are feeling and be able to test for anything that may be physically wrong. They will also be able to refer you to a specialist.

I go to doctor because of I have tried commit suicide. I don't like goind to doctor. I feel like someone handicapped on mind. And I will never! never! tell her about my problems about sexuality. And I too scared to make a nest step guys...




Sorry for ma late, I hope that I did answer everyone. Goodnight guys!

 

[Tjerk12]

Please keep the option of Private Message open. There are a lot of boys here in the forum willing to talk to you. We are all the same: equal!

 

[Sinnerr]

Hmm. you tell you don't want to hurt your family ... But you have problem and you weren't able to solve it better than with suicidal attempt ... Even now when they force you to visit psychologist you sabotage it and still lie about true reason ... I thinkthis all have been hurting them alot...
It's not shame to have problems nor admit them. (Also it's not shame to be gay.) Shame is to be coward and refuse to solve them other way than capitulation-suicide.

Anyway, I really don't think they would kick you out of home afer this all. If they don't know true reason of your suicidal attempt they must be still nervous and afraid of you - and it's fucking sellfish from you!

 

[Wąsik]

No they will. Trust me. I think that when someone have tried commint suicide is not coward but brave, and feel strength to do it. Or maybe I think that way.

 

[topdog]

Let's go back to the beginning.

Hey guys, I'm writing to you about my big problem. Namely I mean about my sexual orientation.... I think that I need someone who will be close to me, someone who will gave me good feelings. The problem is who can it be? woman, man? I don't know if I can be in relationship with guy... cos I don't want to hurt people. So guys, how did you accept fact that you're gay/bi? what ways? Aww and the last thing, how I should find a the only one partner?

If I am understanding you correctly, you are alone now (except for your family) and you want to know how do you get to a future where you can share love and a life with another person.

Let's examine your current actions and see how they help or hinder reaching your goal:

• You avoid interaction with people outside your family.
• You don't want to do anything to upset your family.
• You want to cover, avoid, and disguise every natural impulse you have for love and attraction.
• You care more about how a relationship / marriage looks to the outside world, than whether it nourishes you and your potential partner.
• You do not want to appear vulnerable to professionals who might be able to help you deal with your fear and depression.

Every action on this list is taking you in the opposite direction from the love that you want. You want to know how to get to a life where you can fall in love and be loved? Do the opposite of everything you are doing now.

Let me emphasize that you are not a victim here. No one has done this to you. These are all your choices. And each item on this list is an attempt to avoid immediate painful consequences - even when those steps take you farther and farther from what you say you want: a future that includes love and a special person.

You can continue to live your life trying to avoid all discomfort and personal risk. But the bottom line is: no risk = no love. You can't have both because one eliminates the other.

You know this already - I can see it between the lines. I can also feel the very real pain. I recognize a drowning man when I see one. There seems to be no good options.

But that is only true because you have taken the other alternative courses of action off the table. No one has a gun to your head threatening to pull the trigger if you ask for help. No, these are your choices based on fear.

You don't think someone will love you because you are not handsome enough? Good lord, what do you think we look like? A good looking guy may turn your head, but you fall in love with someone because they connect to your soul.

You don't want to upset your family, but you have thought about suicide? That would be devastating for your family. That would be a source of pain and guilt for the rest of their lives. Maybe you are right and they would be distraught to discover that you were setting up a home with another man that you loved. But, believe me, that would pass. If they love you then over time you will all find some way coexist.

To put it another way, the pain of a family member's by suicide never goes away, and often affects another one or two generations. While dealing with a family member being homosexual is hardest at the beginning, but gradually eases over time as it comes into perspective. And that's if they never accept the homosexuality. They will still find some way to make peace with you.

You cannot deal with this on your own and expect to get to the relationship that you say you want. If that is really what you want, then you are going to have to fight for it. You are going to have to risk opening yourself up, becoming vulnerable, and asking for help.

In this sense, you are no different than anyone else because that is what we all have to do daily to share our lives with another person.

You might as well start practicing now.

 

[richym]

Hey mate,
sorry I haven't replied to you for a while. I know it is hard to find people to trust. It is hard being a pessimist, I know I am one. If you ever want to chat, you can contact me.

 

[Wąsik]

Let's go back to the beginning.



If I am understanding you correctly, you are alone now (except for your family) and you want to know how do you get to a future where you can share love and a life with another person.

Let's examine your current actions and see how they help or hinder reaching your goal:

• You avoid interaction with people outside your family.
• You don't want to do anything to upset your family.
• You want to cover, avoid, and disguise every natural impulse you have for love and attraction.
• You care more about how a relationship / marriage looks to the outside world, than whether it nourishes you and your potential partner.
• You do not want to appear vulnerable to professionals who might be able to help you deal with your fear and depression.

Every action on this list is taking you in the opposite direction from the love that you want. You want to know how to get to a life where you can fall in love and be loved? Do the opposite of everything you are doing now.

Well, I got really lot time to think, and when bad emotions waned - I think that everything you wrote is true. Yes, I agree with you. But don't know what to turn over it. When I will tell about my doctor I will regret it ,because I'm scared how she will react. I'm felling a little get stuck in this place.

You can continue to live your life trying to avoid all discomfort and personal risk. But the bottom line is: no risk = no love. You can't have both because one eliminates the other.

You know this already - I can see it between the lines. I can also feel the very real pain. I recognize a drowning man when I see one. There seems to be no good options.

But I hate that feeling when I suffer a loss. I prefer to avoid like you said... I don't know how you know it about it i just made some post here...hahaha

You don't think someone will love you because you are not handsome enough? Good lord, what do you think we look like? A good looking guy may turn your head, but you fall in love with someone because they connect to your soul. ,

Yup it's true. Oh please! i don't believe in true love. Only on chemical reactions in our brains and accustoming to someone!

You don't want to upset your family, but you have thought about suicide? That would be devastating for your family. That would be a source of pain and guilt for the rest of their lives. Maybe you are right and they would be distraught to discover that you were setting up a home with another man that you loved. But, believe me, that would pass. If they love you then over time you will all find some way coexist.

I think that they have had enough of living with me that why I did it. I can't find strenght to change my position. Trust me.

To put it another way, the pain of a family member's by suicide never goes away, and often affects another one or two generations. While dealing with a family member being homosexual is hardest at the beginning, but gradually eases over time as it comes into perspective. And that's if they never accept the homosexuality. They will still find some way to make peace with you.

i know about it. You're have to be an psychologist or therapist.

You cannot deal with this on your own and expect to get to the relationship that you say you want. If that is really what you want, then you are going to have to fight for it. You are going to have to risk opening yourself up, becoming vulnerable, and asking for help.

I just can't. It's too much for me.

Hey mate,
sorry I haven't replied to you for a while. I know it is hard to find people to trust. It is hard being a pessimist, I know I am one. If you ever want to chat, you can contact me.

Thanks!

 

[Wąsik]

After your post, I have tried make an account on some gayportal. And I can't. I'm scared.