Married and lusting for guys on the down low

[peter123]

I think there are some additional moral dimensions here that have not yet been brought up.

And since the point of the story is to discuss the type of person, rather than Mark, specifically, let me make up a parallel character that I'll call Joe.

It's 1992 - in the US there has been a Republican president since Joe was in grade school. Joe is 25 and has for the first time met a girl that he could see himself married to. He is just starting to advance in his military career and he wants to be married and have a family. The only problem here is that he loves screwing guys.

Of course he loves screwing women, too. And everyone sows some wild oats in there early 20's and then settles down and gets married, right? He has to make a decision. It's not that hard. Every moral authority around him - church, military, family, peers - tell him directly or indirectly that marriage is holy, right, and next step in his journey as a man.

No matter how much he likes man sex, he sees no future there. The gay community, (with which he doesn't really identify), seems to be all about AIDS and civil rights. He doesn't have AIDS. He doesn't know anyone with AIDS. And since he doesn't broadcast his same-sex exploits, he doesn't face any discrimination.

Marriage to a man isn't going to happen in his lifetime and the only gays with kids are lesbians.

So Joe makes a choice that is so obvious that it doesn't even feel like a choice - he gets married.

Ten years pass - it's 2002. Joe now has a position of authority in the military. Who would have thought ten years earlier that he would now be leading men (and women!) in a war after his country was attacked.

Joe has kids in school, a devoted wife who he has grown to appreciate even more as a partner over the years. He's respected in his community.

But, in some respects marriage hasn't turned out the way he thought it would. It has turned in to something of a sexual void - there is nothing there of any interest. But he can deal with that and get sex elsewhere. The hard part is he is feeling more and more isolated from his wife, his family, everyone really. He has this secret - this dark terrible secret. If he was to let this secret out then his whole world would collapse. Keeping this secret has almost become a second career.

Emotionally, he is at a crossroads. He's 35. He feels too old to start again from scratch, but too young to be settling for a life that is going in the wrong direction. What does he do? What is the right moral path?

• He could tell his wife that he is gay. (She would go ballistic. She would divorce him. She would take his kids away. She would end his military career. He would become an object of pity and ridicule among all his friends.)
• He could stop having sex with men. (Right. Like he hasn't promised to do that 100 times before. It never sticks. And, in a way, it's the occasional "sexual vacations" that make his marriage possible. He would never have made it this far otherwise.)

He decides to double down on the marriage. He will not get a divorce and abandon the commitment he has made to his wife and children. He will do whatever it takes. It may feel like he is losing a piece of his soul, but if that's the price of keeping the secret and saving his family, then that's what he will do. He has made his choice.

Another ten years go by - it's 2012. The last kid has started college. The nest is empty. He's only 45, but now has retired from the military with a pension. He has recently started a new job with a defense contractor at a good salary. Money, which had been so tight in the early years, is now no problem.

But there is a new crises on the home front. There's a young man that has come into his life. It started as casual sex. But emotionally he's fallen harder for this guy than he ever thought was possible. He had become so used to the polite distance at home, that he was shocked to find out this late in life that he could actually be intimate with someone at every level. He could be completely himself and not hold anything back.

He is again at a crossroads. Which way to go? He has put twenty years into his marriage. But now there doesn't seem to be anything there. His kids don't need his support - well not in the same direct way anymore. He might have been able to go on with his wife for years. But now that he has experienced what being a whole person in love feels like, he can no longer make the sacrifice.

***

It's easy to isolate one aspect of Joe's life and draw moral conclusions, while ignoring other parts of the story. Joe certainly got into a mess. But what I'm trying to say here is that there are no easy choices. Yes, many have been in Joe's shoes and taken different paths.

Some (like me) had at least enough foresight in those early years to know that getting married wasn't a solution - it just dragged one more bystander into the plot. But others like Joe really thought that marriage was their moral obligation.

And once you start down that road, you soon face the fact that you can only reverse course by blowing up your whole life, and injuring a lot of innocent people in the process.

It's easy from the outside to say that if Joe had exited the marriage at 35, he could have survived that crises, and by 45 been happy in a new life AND still have his kids (maybe even his wife) still in his life as well.

But on the other hand, I don't think his decision to stay committed was obviously wrong in that moment. And as I said back then, sometimes the only thing that makes the marriage possible is the ability to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere.

At the same time - relationships are built on trust and intimacy. Keeping secrets kill both those things and will kill the relationship eventually. Joe paid an emotional price for the cover-up. His "solution" for preserving the marriage killed it in the long run.

Thank you topdog for this contribution
and your talent to see things more clearly

 

[XMan101]

This one is easy. Joe Simpson is a coward. He picked every easy option in life, tried to please as many other people in his life as possible - except himself. He landed a wife, some great kids, excelled in his career - all at the expense of denying himself his true feelings and happiness. Joe sold out. Was it rewarded? In many respects but ultimately Joe is a self deceiving cowardly closeted liar.

Now in his twilight years, tired of lying to himself and others, wondering whether it was all worthwhile, realising its either now or never. It starts with a double life and ends up shacking up with a twink younger than his kids. Pathetic.

There are no hard decisions in life, only right one and wrong ones.

Life is never simply black or white, unless you're Borg! I don't believe for one minute that you really believe all you wrote there

 

[AleXXX UK]

Life is never simply black or white, unless you're Borg! I don't believe for one minute that you really believe all you wrote there

I really do. I've always been true to myself and never cared what anyone else thinks. That's made my decision making process easier. I know that I'm good and I always try to do what's right however hard or unpleasant it might seem. Now that's just me. It's probably because I've met thousands of Joes in my life whose lives are based on delusion and self deception. The one lesson I've learnt from these people is that there is no way in hell I'd want to be like that. People who are supposed to love you for who you are will love you for who you are. It's very easy to let other people fight the battles and leaving you enjoy the rewards they've fought for. I'd rather be the fighter, the pioneer and I know in my heart I've been true to myself and am at peace. Others I can't speak for. People like Joe are treacherous and disgust me but I will still fight for their freedoms.