My boyfriend watches porn at least once a day

[Widd]

Hello!
I’m in my first relationship and having some issues (mostly with myself, I’m aware). I found out recently that my boyfriend is watching porn everyday, at least once a day. And I’m not very happy about it. First, I’m not happy because we’ve been together for quite some time now and he’s never been hard with me. Ever. He explained me he’s a real bottom and as such he doesn’t get pleasure with his dick, but still, it feels a bit weird for me. The fact that everyday he can get hard for strangers on video, with obviously better bodies and members than me, is hurting me a bit, since it never happened with me.
Also, it’s quite hard to talk about it. We live together and working on different times so he’s alone at home everyday, and I tried to ask about his jerking off habits, and he became upset that I ask - and eventually lied to me about it, like “oh, last time was maybe one week ago, I really just do it because it’s like a physical need, not like I want to”, but it was a lie and I can’t say “I checked your computer and I know you’re doing it everyday” as it would probably become a real problem. He’s lying about it, he’s not getting hard with me but can easily with porn, he’s watching everyday. Is it normal? Am I overreacting?
I’m aware of the irony of asking here, I used to love watching everyday too, but when I was single. I’m still watching from time to time, but more like once a week.
I tried to ask to watch with him - it was a no, “I’m not really in the mood to watch porn lately”, I tried to make a hot video of me, that didn’t get him really hard, so I don’t know. Is he addicted? Is it normal?

 

[lhardwick69]

he has probably become porn addicted--a lot of guys get this way because they aren't with anyone--so they watch porn to get hard jack off and clean up--after so long of doing thins they become addicted to it their mind thinks it needs that porn to get hard--so over time you need to try working on helping him get unaddicted to it--and sad to say-- more likely than not--he will remain in need of porn to get hard--but remember the idea is we as guys like our man to get hard because we get them this way not a porn but with the porn getting him aroused he is using that dick on you and not jacking off----

if is jacking off instead of letting you suck him off or fucking you then I would more than likely let the guy go but then again theres more to a man than his cock-that maybe over time will work things out

 

[dargelos]

"I checked your computer" Really?
If that is true then before going any further I'd say that you must stop that now. You will never build a relationship of trust by spying on each other.
If neither of you have had experience in the of sharing life before, then neither of you will know about all the accomodations that are necessary for two individuals to fit together.
Is it normal? Yes, of course it's normal for you to find that real life is not as easy as it looks.
Is he addicted? Whoa, be careful about using a loaded word like that. He is already being defensive, hinting that he may be addicted (whether that be true or not) will only make him more so and more resistant to change. If he thinks that you are trying to take something that he enjoys away from him, he will see that as negative change. Try to frame the change you want to see as a positive.
You have something to offer that he will never find, even in the best porno. No mp4 can give him love, but you can.

 

[Widd]

@lhardwick69 Thank you for your reply! Your message is basically what I was afraid of. That he needs porn to get hard and that nothing I can do will ever make him hard. And it makes me really sad. I’m also not sure I can help him becoming unaddicted as it’s dangerous to make him understand at first that he’s probably addicted and that I know his habits.
@dargelos Thank you for your reply! You’re absolutely right, I should stop that otherwise it will only bring problems. I’m just very curious and I can’t help but think of the amount of porn he’s watching and I’m trying to make me feel better by checking, but the opposite happens. I actually don’t even have to check, as I know the tissue box moved close to the bed when I’m coming back home, etc. Do you have any idea how to show this change as a positive one? I really don’t see how that’s possible.
Sure, mp4 can’t give him love, I can, but thinking that way we can also say that hookups with other guys would not give him love too, but that’s not a reason to accept it. So the comparison doesn’t really work for me.

 

[dargelos]

Some members will be thinking 'he's damaged goods, give up before he breaks your heart' I wouldn't blame you if started to agree with that but I hope you don't. Some sort of 8th or 9th sense is telling me that your man is worth putting in the effort for.
Sex with porn movies is like random sex with anonymous strangers, no emotion, no commitment, but with even less emotion and less commitment. It's not a bad thing, I've done it a lot and enjoyed it a lot. Real sex with real feelings is a whole lot better. obviously, but for that you have to make yourself open to intense emotion. That may be the thing that he is scared to do.
Don't go thinking 'If only I had a god like body and a massive dick like the boys in the porno' Very few of us are ever that lucky. Even if you were that lucky, I don't think it would make any difference. This is not a physical thing.
Did something bad happen to him long ago? If it was that bad he won't want to discuss it. I hope I am wrong about that.

 

[Widd]

I wouldn’t go that far, because it’s only porn and I guess we all watch porn, it’s just the frequency that makes me worried. I wish I could accept it but it’s difficult.
I know he’s worth the effort, and I know it’s mostly in my head because I’m sure I maybe care more about him that he does, if it’s a habit for him (if it’s an addiction, that would be a bit different). I don’t think it actually affects our sex life -our sex is beyond amazing-, but still. Stuck in my mind.
And no, nothing bad happened to him at that level, not that I’m aware of at least.

 

[Stonecold]

Widd

our sex is beyond amazing

I think if your sex is amazing and you really love him I would not worry about his porn habits. I think if you love him and he seems to love you this is something that can be worked out.

 

[topdog]

Let's recap. You love him; he loves you; the sex is amazing - but he watches porn and that makes you feel bad.

Whether or not he has a problem with porn is a secondary issue. The main point here is that your relationship is great and his porn consumption is not about you. The fact that it feels like a referendum on your value as a lover is your own insecurity coming to the surface. You judging him for not getting hard during sex is not going to have the intended effect - it will be the opposite. It will make him want to hide his sexual feelings that might upset you. In addition, performance pressure shrinks more dicks than ice water.

Enough negativity - let's turn this around. This is a golden opportunity for you to make your relationship better. You now have something more productive to talk about than his dick or afternoon jerk-off sessions.

Here is the counter-intuitive fact about relationships - the more vulnerable you make yourself, the more love and honesty your will draw from your partner. Talk to him about how this makes your feel. Talk about your own sexual insecurities. Don't blame him for anything - take responsibility for your own habit of putting yourself down. This is your issue. Ask him for help finding a way through it together.

The more naked and open you are in baring your own soul and shortcomings, the easier it will be for him to be honest about his own sexual desires and fears. That's what you want for both of you - to be able to talk about the hard stuff without judging yourself or your partner. You are already well on your way there - this is just a chance to take another step down that road.

You have that rare and wonderful gift - someone who loves you. We all have a tendency to muck that up with our own baggage and fears by blaming the person who cares most for us for our own screwy reactions. It's human, and many relationships are harmed because of it. Yours doesn't have to be one of them.

 

[Shelter]

Let's recap. You love him; he loves you; the sex is amazing - but he watches porn and that makes you feel bad.

Whether or not he has a problem with porn is a secondary issue. The main point here is that your relationship is great and his porn consumption is not about you. The fact that it feels like a referendum on your value as a lover is your own insecurity coming to the surface. You judging him for not getting hard during sex is not going to have the intended effect - it will be the opposite. It will make him want to hide his sexual feelings that might upset you. In addition, performance pressure shrinks more dicks than ice water.

Enough negativity - let's turn this around. This is a golden opportunity for you to make your relationship better. You now have something more productive to talk about than his dick or afternoon jerk-off sessions.

Here is the counter-intuitive fact about relationships - the more vulnerable you make yourself, the more love and honesty your will draw from your partner. Talk to him about how this makes your feel. Talk about your own sexual insecurities. Don't blame him for anything - take responsibility for your own habit of putting yourself down. This is your issue. Ask him for help finding a way through it together.

The more naked and open you are in baring your own soul and shortcomings, the easier it will be for him to be honest about his own sexual desires and fears. That's what you want for both of you - to be able to talk about the hard stuff without judging yourself or your partner. You are already well on your way there - this is just a chance to take another step down that road.

You have that rare and wonderful gift - someone who loves you. We all have a tendency to muck that up with our own baggage and fears by blaming the person who cares most for us for our own screwy reactions. It's human, and many relationships are harmed because of it. Yours doesn't have to be one of them.

Topdog again a very, very good philosophic and, yes - a therapeutic post. I feel a little bit addressed myself. :thumbs up:

 

[str8twinks]

Some members will be thinking 'he's damaged goods, give up before he breaks your heart' I wouldn't blame you if started to agree with that but I hope you don't. Some sort of 8th or 9th sense is telling me that your man is worth putting in the effort for.
Sex with porn movies is like random sex with anonymous strangers, no emotion, no commitment, but with even less emotion and less commitment. It's not a bad thing, I've done it a lot and enjoyed it a lot. Real sex with real feelings is a whole lot better. obviously, but for that you have to make yourself open to intense emotion. That may be the thing that he is scared to do.
Don't go thinking 'If only I had a god like body and a massive dick like the boys in the porno' Very few of us are ever that lucky. Even if you were that lucky, I don't think it would make any difference. This is not a physical thing.
Did something bad happen to him long ago? If it was that bad he won't want to discuss it. I hope I am wrong about that.

The jump from obsessive, DAILY porn watching to potentially using prostitutes is rather short. Let's get real.

If one partner is upset and worried then there is a problem that needs to be solved. I.e. reign in the porn consumption. OR cut it out altogether. After all, what's more important, the porn.... or the partner?

 

[str8twinks]

Let's recap. You love him; he loves you; the sex is amazing - but he watches porn and that makes you feel bad.

Whether or not he has a problem with porn is a secondary issue (WTF?). The main point here is that your relationship is great and his porn consumption is not about you. The fact that it feels like a referendum on your value as a lover is your own insecurity coming to the surface. You judging him for not getting hard during sex is not going to have the intended effect - it will be the opposite. It will make him want to hide his sexual feelings that might upset you. In addition, performance pressure shrinks more dicks than ice water.

Enough negativity - let's turn this around. This is a golden opportunity for you to make your relationship better. You now have something more productive to talk about than his dick or afternoon jerk-off sessions.

Here is the counter-intuitive fact about relationships - the more vulnerable you make yourself, the more love and honesty your will draw from your partner. Talk to him about how this makes your feel. Talk about your own sexual insecurities. Don't blame him for anything (WTF?) - take responsibility for your own habit of putting yourself down. This is your issue. Ask him for help finding a way through it together.

The more naked and open you are in baring your own soul and shortcomings, the easier it will be for him to be honest about his own sexual desires and fears. That's what you want for both of you - to be able to talk about the hard stuff without judging yourself or your partner. You are already well on your way there - this is just a chance to take another step down that road.

You have that rare and wonderful gift - someone who loves you. We all have a tendency to muck that up with our own baggage and fears by blaming the person who cares most for us for our own screwy reactions. It's human, and many relationships are harmed because of it. Yours doesn't have to be one of them.

The guys obsessively and selfishly placing porn before a relationship is the 'poor' good guy, and the partner who 'dares' object:

"has a problem"
"is [judgemental]"
has "sexual insecurities"
has an "issue"
has "shortcomings" in his "soul" (WTF?)

Seriously Topdog, if porn creates problems in a relationship, the porn gets CUT OUT. Period. End of. Why? It's only porn!

Have a good weekend.

 

[dargelos]

str8twinks said "The jump from obsessive, DAILY porn watching to potentially using prostitutes is rather short. Let's get real."

There has never been any suggestion that the boyfriend has been ,or has employed, a prostitute, or wanted to. In a previous question,
http://www.gayheaven.org/showpost.php?p=2737044&postcount=1
Widd uses the word whore but in a light hearted sense, don't take it literaly.
You may get a better idea of the situation by reading this older thread.

 

[solamentever]

The guys obsessively and selfishly placing porn before a relationship is the 'poor' good guy, and the partner who 'dares' object:

"has a problem"
"is [judgemental]"
has "sexual insecurities"
has an "issue"
has "shortcomings" in his "soul" (WTF?)

While I understand where you're coming from, I feel you are taking Topdog's words out of context.

The more naked and open you are in baring your own soul and shortcomings, the easier it will be for him to be honest about his own sexual desires and fears. That's what you want for both of you - to be able to talk about the hard stuff without judging yourself or your partner. You are already well on your way there - this is just a chance to take another step down that road.

In my opinion, relationships are about growing together. Opening up is part of that process.

As Topdog wrote, allowing yourself to be vulnerable is hard and takes tremendous strength but is so important. Widd and his partner are one emotional unit. It's not about blaming, it's about communication, honesty and being genuine about how they feel.

This is an opportunity for them to build trust and learn more about each other!

 

[topdog]

There are two kinds of people in the world. (How's that for a generalization?) People for whom justice is the top priority (punishing evil, rewarding good), and people for whom pragmatism and outcomes are the priority (getting the right result). We need both points of view.

I am by nature a pragmatist. That is my bias. If you want to know how to fix something that's broken or make something better, I'm the guy to come to. If you want a sustained effort to right a wrong (even if it thwarts the outcome you want) look elsewhere.

Pointing out who is more at fault and what is fair is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Those are good things to add to the discussion.

However, please allow the pragmatist to add that whatever is right or fair, on a practical level I can only change myself - I can't change somebody else.

I could cross my arms and tap my foot and order my partner to change his behavior because he is in the wrong and I am right. But I could be tapping my foot for a long time. Then, once I reach the end of my rope, my only choices are to live with it or leave. I have essentially been turned in to a victim - unable to act at all for my own benefit, completely at the whim of my partners willingness or ability to change. All because the only solution I will accept is the one that punishes the guilty party.

In order to avoid that kind of stalemate, my initial option is to first look for what handles I have available to pull to get a result.

In this particular situation there is a wonderful golden handle just sitting there: for Widd to focus on the one thing he is responsible for - his own reaction to the situation. Which, on examination, could be improved. By focusing on that lever, he doesn't have to wait for his partner to change. He can start the change process on his own under his own power.

One of the interesting aspects of any relationship is that a change on one side necessitates a change on the other. If the partner is now focused on Widd's issue and making that better, changing his porn protocols is one obvious option open to him. And if he makes that decision as his own idea and under his own motivation of love for his partner, it is more likely to stick. As opposed to trying to do something because your spouse is nagging you to do it.

That's my practical point of view. It is not the only point of view and I admit freely it lacks any interest in who is "right" and who is "wrong". I will leave those issues for others to determine, and give them a tip of my hat for their judgement.

Thank you for your understanding of my biases and limitations.

 

[Mardo]

There are two kinds of people in the world. (How's that for a generalization?) People for whom justice is the top priority (punishing evil, rewarding good), and people for whom pragmatism and outcomes are the priority (getting the right result). We need both points of view.

I am by nature a pragmatist. That is my bias. If you want to know how to fix something that's broken or make something better, I'm the guy to come to. If you want a sustained effort to right a wrong (even if it thwarts the outcome you want) look elsewhere.

Pointing out who is more at fault and what is fair is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Those are good things to add to the discussion.

However, please allow the pragmatist to add that whatever is right or fair, on a practical level I can only change myself - I can't change somebody else.

I could cross my arms and tap my foot and order my partner to change his behavior because he is in the wrong and I am right. But I could be tapping my foot for a long time. Then, once I reach the end of my rope, my only choices are to live with it or leave. I have essentially been turned in to a victim - unable to act at all for my own benefit, completely at the whim of my partners willingness or ability to change. All because the only solution I will accept is the one that punishes the guilty party.

In order to avoid that kind of stalemate, my initial option is to first look for what handles I have available to pull to get a result.

In this particular situation there is a wonderful golden handle just sitting there: for Widd to focus on the one thing he is responsible for - his own reaction to the situation. Which, on examination, could be improved. By focusing on that lever, he doesn't have to wait for his partner to change. He can start the change process on his own under his own power.

One of the interesting aspects of any relationship is that a change on one side necessitates a change on the other. If the partner is now focused on Widd's issue and making that better, changing his porn protocols is one obvious option open to him. And if he makes that decision as his own idea and under his own motivation of love for his partner, it is more likely to stick. As opposed to trying to do something because your spouse is nagging you to do it.

That's my practical point of view. It is not the only point of view and I admit freely it lacks any interest in who is "right" and who is "wrong". I will leave those issues for others to determine, and give them a tip of my hat for their judgement.

Thank you for your understanding of my biases and limitations.

Sorry Topdog, I'm sure you're a well meaning guy on one level, but you are giving highly problematic advice.

Far from being pragmatic your most recent post seems theory-based and verbose (e.g. 'porn protocols').

You also imply that str8twinks is moralising, imho. Which is nonsense. His post was more pragmatic, realistic and straightforward than yours. So, despite your protestations, he is the pragmatist and you the theorist.

The boyfriend is watching porn at least once a day. Porn is HIGHLY addictive.

If your partner has a gambling addiction you don't tell them that the problem is somehow your lack of acceptance and that you have shortcomings in your soul and what not. The problem is their gambling.

If the boyfriend cares about the relationship, and is not a porn addict, then he will do the right thing and get his priorities in order. If he is unable to do that help comes in the form of e.g. counselling. And above all, honesty.

Good relationships have to be based on honesty, not manipulative strategies.

 

[reasek1]

If the boyfriend cares about the relationship, and is not a porn addict, then he will do the right thing and get his priorities in order. If he is unable to do that help comes in the form of e.g. counselling. And above all, honesty.

Agree 100% and admire your bravery and honesty for pointing it out. After all a porn forum is a place where there are plenty of guys harboring porn addiction but are loath to admit it, and might resent anyone who points out the obvious: relationships come first, others come first and porn is ALWAYS secondary.

Btw, addiction does not imply that the addicted person is bad. The addiction is the problem. That and that alone.

And I'm sure that Topdog et al will agree, upon mature reflection.:cheers: It can be hard, even for the more mature members here (I am almost 60) to admit to character flaws. I have 'enjoyed' porn for many years, but I hope younger guys here recognise that in the context of relationships porn is absolutely secondary. You need to be able to cut it out completely and focus on your partner. No selfish excuses, denial, or egoism should be allowed to get in the way of that home truth.

 

[reasek1]

The guys obsessively and selfishly placing porn before a relationship is the 'poor' good guy, and the partner who 'dares' object:

"has a problem"
"is [judgemental]"
has "sexual insecurities"
has an "issue"
has "shortcomings" in his "soul" (WTF?)

Seriously Topdog, if porn creates problems in a relationship, the porn gets CUT OUT. Period. End of. Why? It's only porn!

Have a good weekend.

"It's only porn"

Exactly!

Thanks to ALL contributions to this thread for tackling some difficult issues!

However, it's important not to slide into obfuscation and excuse making. Tackling addiction, or addiction tendencies head on is best for ALL parties concerned.

 

[dargelos]

How bad is gambling addiction? When it leads to unpayable debt, bankruptcy, homelessness, and suicide, which is does, pretty bad.
What about alcohol addiction, that gets you all of the above plus deaths of others due to fights and accidents.
Compared to those two very popular self destructive habits, what happens when you watch too much porn. You will not go blind like your mother warned you. You will not wear out your dick no matter how hard you cane it, next day it's always ready for more. Assuming it's from a place like this, you will have wasted no money, all you waste is your time.
Some may feel that their precious time would be better spent on facebook or watching tv talent shows. Good for them. I shall waste my time in a manner of my own choosing thank you. And it will not diminish the amount of love that I have for my boyfriend because there is nothing that could do that.

Making the situation sound worse than it is will not help the original poster. Even if his sweetheart is addicted, which is by no means established and, I believe, an unhelpful exaggeration, there are so many other problems in life that any couple will have to deal with, all of them more serious than this little bit of teething trouble. The head-on tackle is like a fire extinguisher, for emergency use only. This is not an emergency.

 

[Mardo]

How bad is gambling addiction? When it leads to unpayable debt, bankruptcy, homelessness, and suicide, which is does, pretty bad.
What about alcohol addiction, that gets you all of the above plus deaths of others due to fights and accidents.
Compared to those two very popular self destructive habits, what happens when you watch too much porn. You will not go blind like your mother warned you. You will not wear out your dick no matter how hard you cane it, next day it's always ready for more. Assuming it's from a place like this, you will have wasted no money, all you waste is your time.
Some may feel that their precious time would be better spent on facebook or watching tv talent shows. Good for them. I shall waste my time in a manner of my own choosing thank you. And it will not diminish the amount of love that I have for my boyfriend because there is nothing that could do that.

Dargelos, there are people who gamble far too much, perhaps on a daily basis but who will not admit there is a problem, if they do admit it they frame it as 'a little thing'. And of course if they stay in this frame of mind and are surrounded by people who reinforce the idea that it is only a little thing, then it is more likely to become a big thing. Or think of the partner who has that glass or two of wine every single day. Well now if their partner reinforces the idea that it is only a little thing, is it more likely or less likely that the drinking will escalate? It can take years for alcoholism to develop.

But I agree porn addiction does not cause physical or financial deterioration as often as the above mentioned addictions. The comparison is still very useful though. The partner insisting on that couple of glasses of wine each and every day can bring tension and worry into the relationship. If they sense this they would be well advised to step back from the wine. Have a day or two every week when they switch to sparkling water or fruit juice.

Also consider the crazy amount of porn now available via the net. That is a new danger.

And how about the kids who are now getting addicted to gaming. Well, they could (and do) use your arguments. What harm? You want me to watch x factor and soaps instead? The gaming controller will not make hair grow on my hands. But we know gaming addiction destroys lives. Only, of course, in cases where the person fails to reign it in. or where the family encourage them in their belief that its only a little thing.

Making the situation sound worse than it is will not help the original poster. Even if his sweetheart is addicted, which is by no means established and, I believe, an unhelpful exaggeration, there are so many other problems in life that any couple will have to deal with, all of them more serious than this little bit of teething trouble. The head-on tackle is like a fire extinguisher, for emergency use only. This is not an emergency.

Making the situation sound harmless is not useful either. Certainly indicating that the person who is worried about the constant porn use is the problem with shortcomings in their soul and so on is not useful. At all.

I agree that the fact of addiction in this case has not been clearly established. After all this is just a forum. Information is limited. By the same token we cannot even begin to rule out addiction as a factor that is eroding the relationship. Like your post, other posts also display caution and include that important little word, if:

if porn creates problems in a relationship, the porn gets CUT OUT. Period. End of. Why? It's only porn!

If the boyfriend cares about the relationship, and is not a porn addict, then he will do the right thing and get his priorities in order. If he is unable to do that help comes in the form of e.g. counselling. And above all, honesty.

A good suggestion might be ask the boyfriend to pick two days a week to be porn-free days. This could be a good starting point and could allow the couple the opportunity to focus more on one another. If there is truly no element of addiction, then that should be easily done.

And even just to focus on other activities. Spend that hour or two in the gym instead. Or practicing meditation.

But I do think the element of addiction has to be on the table for discussion. Even if its a low level addiction, people still need to be brave enough to consider it as a possible negative. Often it's the issue we deny or shy away from that is the most insidious.

 

[yoyo888]

So your other half knows that you know about his porn watching habbits (I think that is worded right!)

He does not want to talk about it. OK!

So just throw a simple question to him. "Let me know if anything you are watching you want us to try out". And leave it at that. End of subject and walk away. Let him ponder. You never know he might respond.

Maybe he has fantasies that you dont know about and he is afraid of asking you.

YOYO