Do not be so hard for yourself butt boi. For most of us the first time was not what we thought it should be. The first time I had sex, I was drunk, and the reality next morning was absolutely not what I had in mind. Sex is nice, sex is important, for sure, but it is certainly not all there is. When you are young, you have the time to find out; when you are old, like me, you can only look back and be surprised how things can get you so out of balance. You will find your way, that is for certain.