But this "I hate them" might be because of their remarks on gay people generally, not directly on me. I'd like to see the good in everyone - not in myself - and I would like to see their opinions as a product of their own "education" and ignorance. When it comes to parents, there's always this blood-related-love, that isn't all that easy to shake off. I feel it's one of those subjects too close to oneself, that it's hard to see the situation clearly. I just keep on dreaming about the better days, even thought it might just be, that they will never come
You may be at the point where it is time to stop "dreaming about the better days" in the past, and take the first steps toward the better days that lie ahead for all of you.
We are all afraid of losing the love and respect of those closest to us. And this only gets worse if we feel we are not living up to our family's dreams and expectations for us.
You are working hard to remain "the good son" and keep all the family relationships in balance. The problem is, you are bearing all the cost. You are removing all the pieces of yourself and your life that might be upsetting. That leaves you as less than a whole person in their presence. You can only show them the part of you that they will accept.
But
you know that the other parts are there and that the family rejects that.
So even though you are trying to avoid emotional pain and rejection, you are feeling rejected anyway. Even when
they don't know the whole story,
you do - and you can come to hate them for rejecting you, even though you are working overtime to keep the actual rejection from taking place.
I agree with ihno.
The only course of action that has any hope of real love and acceptance from your family is to let them know the real you. The initial reaction may be bad, but you have to play this for the long term goal.
Most parents who oppose a child's gayness at first, manage to come to some sort of peace with the situation after a while. Maybe your life over the years will make them change their current very limited view of homosexuality. Maybe they won't change their beliefs about sexuality, but will find a way to make a place for you in their lives anyway because they love you.
If you value the relationship (and this applies to any relationship), you have to give them the chance to change their mind. What will happen is that their love for you will have to go head-to-head with their disapproval of the gay. At that point, the ball is in their court. It's their conflict to work out.
You get the immediate benefit of being able to be 100% you with your family instead of making up lies and excuses about your love life. You no longer have to fear people finding your secret.
Your parents get the long-term benefit of being able to have a relationship with the real you. They get the chance to see that being gay isn't something they need to fear.
The worst that can happen is that they (and everyone else in your family) banishes you from all contact. (Not likely;
someone will still let you in the door, and that's all it takes to get in to family events; no one really has veto power, no matter how loudly they may proclaim it).
If the worst is to be, better to know it now and start putting together your own "chosen family" to support and love you as you are.
The better days are all ahead, not behind you. And the faster you can get there, the better.
