Please let me understand my friend

[sephitorh]

Hi everyone,

Last year I met amazing guy (23) through my friend and since then we are almost always together. It is like miracle because we share every possible interest.

He always come to my place and we either watching some movies or we are playing video-games. Then we are going to sleep together under one quilt on my bed. In the morning, like nothing happened we are going to work. I even bought him a toothbrush

Here is a dilemma. He acts as heterosexual but he denies me in front of his friends and family. He even renamed me in his cell phone to some casual girlish name to confuse others. Few months ago I told him about my feeling towards him but he don't want to hear it and he act as nothing happened.

There are more than that ...but more importantly, is this NORMAL?

Thanks for answers/advices and sorry for my English.

 

[Rozas]

Hi sephitorh, first and foremost, your English is okay, i understand your question and concern.
"Is this normal" for me: yes.
Probably your "amazing guy" is or bi or gay but he recognized it yet.
Alone you can wait and see what time brings, but I do not think it was an "adventurer," or he really cares about you? doubtful .... to the outside world he invents things,if he love you? hmm doubtful.
I think it is someone who has yet to discover themselves and you have found this to be able to come ...... time brings counsel.
Much strength and love in everything you do.

 

[sephitorh]

Thank you Rozas for your quick and kind reply.

I realized long time ago that I don't want to admit the truth, which is, he probably don't care about me as I do for him. ...but then again, he really spend almost all his free time with me and last time when we had a hassle in my place he called some girl and he went to her. Later that week he told me that he called her because he knows that it will hurt me.

Thank you for being here for me.

 

[bafm]

In my opinion the point is: what do you want from him?

There is a big difference between sexual attraction and falling in love.

There are men who just want sex when it comes to other men and when it comes to a relationship, they will turn to a woman.

My advice is to be careful because if this guy is straight then you're just torturing yourself and you need to stop fixating on him for your own good.

In my opinion you should clearly talk with him.

 

[Casanova]

I have to agree 110% with what bafm said.. There is a big difference with sexual attraction and romance.. In a lot of cases where guys identify themselves as straight but want to be with a guy it is purely from a sexual point of view rather than emotional. My question to you is this.. How far have things gone between him and you? Kissing? Flirting? More?

The fact he renamed you on his mobile does say something. If he didn't want something you wouldn't be friends now...

What I think you need to do is to know what he wants from you.

Just as bafm said, you need to be careful because if his priorities are different from yours this can lead to heartbreak.

One thing I'd like to add is that if you want something more than just friendship/casual fun with this guy you need to have someone stable and confident about himself because a guy who is going from hot one minute to cold another or sending mixed signals is going to cause more heartache than you are experiencing now.

Trust me, you are talking to a guy who spent almost all his teens crying with my face in a pillow when am alone because of romantic feelings for a straight guy who wanted nothing more from me than mere friendship.

 

[jw4833]

Thank you Rozas for your quick and kind reply.

I realized long time ago that I don't want to admit the truth, which is, he probably don't care about me as I do for him. ...but then again, he really spend almost all his free time with me and last time when we had a hassle in my place he called some girl and he went to her. Later that week he told me that he called her because he knows that it will hurt me.

Thank you for being here for me.

Well, from what you've just posted, it seems to me that this guy is playing you. I mean, for him to tell you that he called some girl right there in your presence because he knew it would hurt you..that alone would make me leave this asshole alone. If you've read any of my previous posts, you may be aware that I've had my fair share of experiences with "straight guys". While reading your story, it made me think back to this one in particular who had familiar similarities like this one you speak of. Just like yours, he hung around me on a daily basis and many times, whenever his friends or ladies would call him on his cellphone, he wouldn't answer the phone and let it go into voice mail. However, what I began to realize is that the more that I acted nonchalant to his actions toward me, he took things to another level. Eventually, it became this little cat and mouse teasing game with him where he would flash his ass or cock at me and when I would approach him every now and then, he would get defensive or act innocent as if to put the blame on me and not on him. In fact, there were times that he would lay on top of me and fall asleep and would be dry humping me or even at his father's business, he would be in the store room and call me back there and pull his pants down and let me fondle his cock and grab his ass.

One evening while at my house, he was watching a str8 porn movie and commented on how nice looking the guy was and how he had a nice ass and nice huge cock. Teasingly, I asked him to let me see his, and wouldn't you know, he took off all of his clothes and straddled me and started kissing me on my neck and whispered for me to stroke his hard cock. What I found startling was that he would not allow me to give him a bj, just wanted me to stroke and fondle his body. This went on for almost an hour and a half until two of his buddies were knocking at my door. Instead of rushing to put his clothes back on, he stood there as if he wanted me to do something else to him. I kept pushing him to get dressed because his buddies were knocking at the door harder. Finally, he did. Once the evening came to a close, I walked them down the hall to the front lobby of the building that I was staying at the time and while his buddies went ahead in front of us, he was grabbing my ass and cock and putting my hands on his parts as well when they were not paying attention. To my surprise, once they exit out of the building, he grabbed me and pulled me up against the wall in the hallway and preceded to grind all up against me while I was grabbing his ass and kissing him.

I did not hear from him the next day which was strange since he came around or called me on a daily basis. A couple of days later, he called me with just regular conversation. I did not bring up the incident and later on within the conversation, he had mentioned how what we did felt really good to him but he is not gay and he had consented to everything because he knew I wanted him and he did for that reason only. I immediately responded with that he should stop coming around me because I am not desperate for no one's attention and I do very well with having guys in my life that would put out much more than he did. I also told him that he should take time to evaluate his orientation because he seemed confuse about it. He got upset and hung up. A few days later, he was at my door waiting for me to come in. I gave him instant attitude and he told me how much he misses being around me and he was sorry for what he said to me. He also mentioned that he thinks about me constantly but he is very confused about his feeling for me and he did not want to be a gay man.

Therefore, I felt this is something that he needed to figure out for himself and I decided to keep the friendship on a platonic level. The next time I saw him, he had this girl all over him and he kept focusing on me instead of her in hopes to piss me off. Later on that day, he came by with this sinister smile across his face. However, I had company which was a guy who had took me out for the evening. Once I introduced him, I could tell from his reaction that he was very jealous of me being with someone else. In fact, his reaction was so apparent that my date even inquired was something more going on between us besides friendship.

A couple of days later, I saw him at the neighborhood store and he did not greet me at all. In fact, he ignored me altogether. Later on that evening, he came by my place and started questioning me about my date and what happened after he left. I told him that what I do is none of his business and why was he so concerned about what I am doing especially since he let it be known that he is straight and love women only. All of a sudden, he pushed me up against the door and threw his tongue down my throat. We stood there kissing and grabbing each other bodies with a lot of loud moaning. He went to the bathroom and came back totally naked with a hard on. He took my hand and guide me to the bedroom. We did not partake in any anal action, but a lot of kissing, sucking, and frottage. This continued throughout the evening. He even told me several times throughout the evening how much he loved me. However, he left the next morning and since that incident, I have not seen or heard from him ever again. I later found out that he left town and had came through town periodically to visit. Since then, my life moved into another direction for the better and I became involved with someone in a long standing relationship until they passed away. Someone from the old neighborhood had told me recently that this guy had came to town a couple of years ago looking and asking for information about my whereabouts. I do not know how to contact him but my instincts tell me that its better that I keep the distance intact. To conclude, I know my story is somewhat long winded but I wanted you to connect and relate with the information that I am sharing with you. In my opinion, I would keep things at a distance and if he really have any interest in you, let him take the initiative to get with you. Also, do not consent or give in if he decides he would like to spend time with you. Otherwise, let him be the hunter, you be the game!!!:no:

 

[topdog]

Some very good advice from jw4833, Casanova, bafm, and Rozas.

First of all - yes, when two people mesh like you and your friend it truly is one of life's miracles. It's thrilling, isn't it? You are learning about who you are and realizing that you are not just one of the crowd, but unique and that's it's OK to have your own opinions, hobbies, and talents. And then along comes someone else who fits in to your life and heart like he was made to order. And when he returns the interest and joy in what you have together - well that's just a little piece of heaven. :heart:

But all of that is just the starting point, and you both go forward from there. And now, a year later, the joy and excitement is still in the mix - but there are also feelings of confusion, disappointment, and maybe even a bit of betrayal.

I know I say this all the time, but I'll repeat it again - don't get caught up in the gay or straight, is he or isn't he debate. Sexuality is complex and when you add family and social pressure on top of it there can be so many mixed messages that it will drive you crazy. This is not a sociology case study - this is your personal life. Let the people outside the situation argue over the orientation implications.

For you, the factors are much more basic. What do you want out of this relationship, and what does he want? At this level, it's no different than any other two people in a relationship who ask the question "Where is this going?"

If you are in love, and he isn't (or he can't for whatever reason), then you have the classic torch song situation.

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me I beg
I remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

The "hurt" here is that you can see all the possibilities for happiness - as a matter of fact, you can play the future like a movie in your head. But if he doesn't want the same thing, then everything you imagined for the two of you is taken away. That's painful. That's a big loss.

The fact that it happens every day to millions of couples all around the world doesn't make it any less devastating when it happens to you.

The bottom line is that if he can't move forward, then you have to find a way to gracefully back out of what you assumed you had going here and walk away from him. You can't be hanging around in the background just in case he comes to his senses and realizes what a fool he has been and what a great thing he has given up. That is a fantasy.

You now know what love feels like, and that it is possible for you to be part of it. There are other guys out there that share your interests and values and want to fuck you and declare to the world that you are the one that they love. You deserve that. :big hug:

 

[sephitorh]

Ok, at first, I m truly grateful for all your support, it means a lot to me. For that, I m sending to all of you a very big hug.

..and I need to say this: I love him from the beginning. I have a boyfriend before, but this is different. I love him from the bottom of my heart with every cell of my. I like his smell and his smile could melt even arctic ice.

@ bafm: What do I want from him? ...to be with him forever (ok I m not that naive but it s a nice dream).

It is drives me crazy, because I know I m torturing myself but what should I do? Its not that simple. Even if he is completely straight, he is still a good friend with same interests that I have.

"In my opinion you should clearly talk with him" ...I m not brave enough to do it, fear from losing him is just too big.

@ Casanova: We never kissed or flirted with each other. He is skinny but he always play a straight role. You know what I mean. Its funny because he often stand with akimbo or he always sit with crossed legs. But there was something:

As I said before, we are sleeping under one blanket on my couch or bed. And last year, when we meet and start doing this, he snuggle to me and I clearly felt he is hard, so I do him through his clothes and then I told him it was fantastic, but he was a sleep/or pretend he is sleeping. After few minutes, he woke up and told me he has a fantastic dream. The same situation happened on the other day and day after that. In the end I started to suck him, sometimes he even participated with his body but last few months he wont allow me to even approach him.

I know what you mean Casanova. Last night (after few months) I told him again about my feelings towards him and he clearly don't share them with me. He told me, that he meet a wonderful girl the other day and they are going to date.

I love him so much, that after this news and knowing that I probably loosing him, ..I m absolutely frightened. I m shaking right know. Basically I loosing interest in life. I m scared that I m not gonna find someone like him again.

@ jw4833 and topdog: I just came back from work (working and studying at university at the same time isn't as easy as I thought) and I need rest a little. I will reply to you latter today.

 

[Goatboystef]

Damn...I hate to say but I think you need to cut yourself loose from this guy. My understanding of the situation is only very limited but from what you say it doesn't sound like this guy is suddenly going to have an epiphany and it'll all work out. I don't mean to sound callous, I really feel for you, it's a tough situation. But he obviously isn't at a stage where he can admit to himself or others who he is, and if he's going to keep running from that and hurting you in the process...well who knows how long a situation like that could get strung out? You'd be surprised how much someone can manipulate a situation if it means they're being lavished with love and attention. Best of luck.

 

[sephitorh]

@ topdog, jw4833, Goatboystef, all

I don't know how to thank to all of you.

I just read his latest message where he pointed out that we should stop seeing each other.

I was always so fragile and for that I m hating myself. After seeing each other almost every day for more than a year ...how could he write something like this. I feel pain, despair, hopelessness and I m about to burst in tears. How am I supposed to work or study in state like this?

I need to overcome this, but I don't think I will be ever able to forget him

 

[jw4833]

Ok dude..I am going to say something to you and I am not saying this to be harsh or cruel but you know what considering what you've mentioned in your initial post about this guy and to also consider what he just wrote to you about moving on with a woman, PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND KEEP IT MOVIN'yes, you may feel bad right now, but its not worth going to the extremes that you are talking about. HE IS DEFINITELY NOT WORTH IT!!!! also, nothing has happened between you guys .....TRUST ME!!!! something better is just around the corner and when it does happen, you are going to be so happy to realize that this guy did you a HUGE favor...you will meet someone else...I know what I am talking about. So stop being so DRAMATIC..GRETA GARBO!!! he is not worthy of what you have to offer and you will meet the ideal guy who will appreciate what you have to give to a relationship..just SLOW YOUR ROLL...AND CALM DOWN...WIPE THOSE TEARS AND STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF....TOMORROW IS A WHOLE NEW DAY...FUCK HIM!!!! Again, I am not being harsh or nasty ...just keeping it real...I do not like hearing belittle yourself over some confused asshole...

 

[XMan101]

@ topdog, jw4833, Goatboystef, all

I don't know how to thank to all of you.

I just read his latest message where he pointed out that we should stop seeing each other.

I was always so fragile and for that I m hating myself. After seeing each other almost every day for more than a year ...how could he write something like this. I feel pain, despair, hopelessness and I m about to burst in tears. How am I supposed to work or study in state like this?

I need to overcome this, but I don't think I will be ever able to forget him

You will, trust me

You need to concentrate on what's important, that will take your mind off it for a while, to some degree anyway.

Tomorrow you will be stronger, and more the next day. It takes time, it won't be easy, but keep talking to people , posting here, and stay occupied, you'll get through it

 

[whatthef__k]

I need to overcome this, but I don't think I will be ever able to forget him

From my experience, the best way to overcome this is to actually talk to him. There are literally 100 possible reasons for his actions, but you'll never know for sure. The only way to get an idea is to ask him. I know that there's always so much fear and anxiety involved even thinking about that option, but feeling that strong fear for a short period of time is betting than torturing yourself for months.

When I look back at my life, most of the things I regret aren't things I did, but the things I didn't do.

 

[jw4833]

@ topdog, jw4833, Goatboystef, all

I don't know how to thank to all of you.

I just read his latest message where he pointed out that we should stop seeing each other.

I was always so fragile and for that I m hating myself. After seeing each other almost every day for more than a year ...how could he write something like this. I feel pain, despair, hopelessness and I m about to burst in tears. How am I supposed to work or study in state like this?

I need to overcome this, but I don't think I will be ever able to forget him

In time, you will get over this and when you look back at this, you will wonder why I went through that over him? I remember someone telling me a long time ago that what helps them to move on is when the individual that has broken their heart has moved on and is enjoying life with their new love and yet they would think to themselves, "why am I sitting here in misery about this person while they are out enjoying life?" With that being said, once you have really given rational thought to the actions of this person and for him to not have any consideration about your feelings by doing the things he has done, you will be able to move forward on that alone. This could really be a blessing in disguise for you.

 

[topdog]

...I was always so fragile and for that I m hating myself. After seeing each other almost every day for more than a year ...how could he write something like this. I feel pain, despair, hopelessness and I m about to burst in tears. How am I supposed to work or study in state like this?...

Sephitorh, you are right where you need to be - don't doubt it, second guess it, regret it, or run away from it.

You loved, you trusted, you gave... you did all the right things. He walked away from it - which is his right and his choice. And that hurts like hell. Go ahead and cry - a lot. Put on the saddest music. These aren't cheap tears; you've earned every one.

Tomorrow you get up and go to class. Wear sunglasses if you have to hide your swollen red eyes. 100 times during the day something will remind you of him and how you used to be. Take a moment, and a deep breath, and move on with your studies and your projects.

As Xman said, you will come through this and be whole again. But because you truly, deeply loved him, he will always have a place in your heart and be a part of your story.

Your to do list:

• Cry on a friend's shoulder
• Make plans to go out with friends this weekend - see a movie and have dinner.
• Make plans to do something special during your next school break. Go someplace you've always wanted to go - whether it's Paris, New York, or just the museum downtown or that historic town an hour's drive away. The point is - have something to look forward to

.

Hang on - this is a rough ride. But you got here in the best possible way: you loved.

 

[sephitorh]

I must repeat myself, thank you, I'm amazed how many of you care about me. You were/still are my best support. Best I ever had!

He called me last night and invited me on some drinks. I was told that we will never be together as a pair but he said, he cares about me and I somehow feel that he meant it.

Truth is, when we met I wanted to give him everything on the world and for that I tried so hard that I even skip a school just to get a better job. I was lucky and I got it so I bought a tiny flat for us in the city center. We had a great time, but now I need to catch up in school and try harder in work. I am exhausted as someone can be.

Tomorrow you will be stronger, and more the next day. It takes time, it won't be easy, but keep talking to people , posting here, and stay occupied, you'll get through it

I know you are right.

So stop being so DRAMATIC..GRETA GARBO!!!

In all this darkness - you made me smile

From my experience, the best way to overcome this is to actually talk to him. There are literally 100 possible reasons for his actions, but you'll never know for sure.

That is what I done and it really helped.

As Xman said, you will come through this and be whole again. But because you truly, deeply loved him, he will always have a place in your heart and be a part of your story.

You wrote it so nicely ...I m speechless. I went to library to borrow a fine heavy book for my next exam and now as I m replying to all of you I listening: "All_by_myself" from Eric Carmen.

 

[LPfan]

I hope it all goes well for you. I'm in the closet still, but I have feelings for a few straight friends of mine. (Who doesn't?!) I hope I'm using this phrase correctly, in karate, whenever they hit dummies or posts with their fists, the skin on their hands becomes harder. So, idk if I said that correctly. Sorry if I messed that up. Lol.

Also, everyone here is very helpful. Just ask any of us for a shoulder and we'll be there for you, including "XMAN" with the mutant gene. (sorry I'm a nerd) We'll be right here, waiting. Keep us updated, sephiroth. (No cloud here)

 

[jw4833]

I must repeat myself, thank you, I'm amazed how many of you care about me. You were/still are my best support. Best I ever had!

He called me last night and invited me on some drinks. I was told that we will never be together as a pair but he said, he cares about me and I somehow feel that he meant it.

Truth is, when we met I wanted to give him everything on the world and for that I tried so hard that I even skip a school just to get a better job. I was lucky and I got it so I bought a tiny flat for us in the city center. We had a great time, but now I need to catch up in school and try harder in work. I am exhausted as someone can be.


I know you are right.

In all this darkness - you made me smile

That is what I done and it really helped.

You wrote it so nicely ...I m speechless. I went to library to borrow a fine heavy book for my next exam and now as I m replying to all of you I listening: "All_by_myself" from Eric Carmen.

A few hours after reading your latest update to your posts, I had met a friend for dinner and on the way home, the station had played Prince's version of the Bonnie Raitt hit song, "I Can't Make You Love Me". I felt the chorus lyrics had applied to your situation because there meaning was so profound in my opinion:

"I Can't Make You Love Me, If You Don't
You Can't Make Your Heart Feel Something It Won't"

Like I said, my words were never meant to be rude and inconsiderate, but I just felt that from what you've mentioned in your initial post, let's just say after his little antics that he displayed in your presence and he decided to have somewhat of a change of heart and you embraced this wholeheartedly assuming that you and he will have a chance at a future relationship. Honestly, it would have not been a good situation at all especially for you...there would have been more drama coming your way instead of happiness. Good Luck...

 

[sephitorh]

Hi, after all I wrote here I wanted to update this thread. Please don't be mad at me.

Almost whole week passed and here is what happened:

We had tickets to cinema for some time now so I called him yesterday if he is willing to spend some quality time with me in theater. He agreed and we decided to see a movie called "Ted". I don't regret, it was a fantastic movie (I highly recommend) but there was so many links to gay community that I felt really embarrassed sometimes.

Ok, here is what happened: I drove him home and he said to me that he thought we are gonna play video games. It was a shock for me but I said "okay". We played for a hour or two and then we lie down to my bed under one blanket as if nothing happened.

It was a great night.

 

[Viralata]

Man, sorry the bad english... but i maybe passing the same thing...

Like 1 year i got to know someone wich i belivied to be my best friend, onde day in a joke i discovered him had a thing with another guy... from that day on i discovered that i liked him... i told him by FB, and he said he not have more things with man, i tried other times and no no and no, but still we keep a closer friendship.

One day after July, 2 to 3 weeks withou seeing him, after a party i slept at his house again and we had sex (frot). He confused said it was beacause he was low because of a NO of a girl. More later i said to him we could only have fun... and we had other time sex... he said him dont feel well staying with me... But still we had another 2 times, in the last one we had anal sex.. in the end we had a chat and he said like other times him dont see him as gay yet or dont like it, but i was not the person wich wold make him make sure he wanted to stay with a man... the last time we had sex he said it was only better than masturbate... Still, we still keep the friendship, and like you i always cant say NO for anything...

Him have similar attitudes like yours friend at front of other people...

No i dont have a solution, but i can say it only make you feel BAD, fucking bad.... for this year i dont know whats is going to happen.