sexual morals and values

[wardell]

my sexual morals and values are WAY different then most, which is why I will probably never find any one (please note this is not to put any one down these are just what I believe)

I think hookups are wrong , I believe sex outside of marriage is wrong again if that what you like good for you, its just not for me. people now days are so quick to have sex that they are willing to walk away from a guy just because he is not willing to put out. which is why I will probably die a virgin. I'm am so sick of people looking for just sex what happened to getting to know each other. I should not have to put away my morals and values just to find a date. I'm scared this will stop me from ever finding any one to love because once they find out my views on sex they stop talking to me all because I'm not willing to hookup ~X(

(again I am only talking about myself if you like hookups then by all means go out and have all the fun you want )

 

[waistingmytime]

There is nothing wrong with the way you are or the way you think. It took me 41 years to meet someone that thinks the way you do

 

[Stonecold]

I know there are a lot of people like you. I admit they are hard to find.

 

[Otage]

I agree with the sex outside of marriage is wrong. Sex outside of commitment is wrong anyways, unless agreed othervise.

But I think there's nothing wrong with hook-ups. Relationship can start by chat or sex. And ofc they are perfect if one wants just sex, and not relationship. It's crazy to me, that one has to be in relationship to have sex.

And now after relationship, I've been single for half a year now, and don't really want new relationship right now. Or search for one. I wanna date, have fun, and be open about the people. Anything can come out of that. To me there is no rule about how much one hast to chat before having sex. I just go with the situation, chemistry. Sex is important interaction in relationship as is communication.

 

[dragonscub]

My own feelings are similar to wardell's. I'm not instinctively a hookup person, I get my jollies off a lot better if I know a partner fairly well. I don't think of this as a morality issue at all: its simply a different inclination for a different type of sexual conquest. The challenge and rewards of an ongoing, hot connection just intrigues me more than casual hookups do. It cuts both ways: those who tend more toward hookups sometimes envy relationships, those more into relationship sex sometimes get exhausted by the work (or waiting) involved.

The problem with sexual "morals" is they can really screw your life up bigtime when they are completely at odds with the overwhelming majority of other people. At a certain point, you either adapt your "morals" and be a bit more flexible, so you can learn a few things, or you hold those morals so tightly you end up alone (or in terrible, unsatisfying relationships). With 90% of modern gay sexuality involving some degree of casual sex at some point in life, insisting you will never have casual sex can make relating to potential life partners rather difficult. Not to say you're wrong: of course you must live your own truth. But consider keeping an open mind until you do find that special guy.

What we think we are isn't always what we actually are. Experiencing some casual hookups can reveal what you really need to be sexually happy, without the burden of having to ditch a relationship because the sex isn't quite right. Enjoying the company of a few casual partners before you settle down also reinforces your ego and quells insecurities, helping you be less clingy and reducing the deadly expectation that your relationship partner should meet 110% of all your needs so you don't have to even speak to another person again for the rest of your life.

Relationships are great for those with an instinct for long-term coupling. But once the initial romantic frenzy cools a bit, they become work- sometimes a LOT of work. It isn't all roses and blowjobs and witty conversation. Having some prior sexual experiences to help get your head on straight can be an immense advantage: you will know much quicker whether a potential life partner is worth the work. Having to "figure out" your mutual sexuality can be a huge distraction, hindering your evaluation of other significant factors that can make or break a relationship. Experience helps you keep a cooler head and improve your ability view the entire relationship in context: the sooner you can get a handle on whether it will or won't work, the better. Adding the stress of "this person is my only avenue to getting laid since I came out" will distort, delay and complicate that evaluation.

 

[Stonecold]

dragonscub

Relationships are great for those with an instinct for long-term coupling. But once the initial romantic frenzy cools a bit, they become work- sometimes a LOT of work. It isn't all roses and blowjobs and witty conversation.

That is true, but everything of worth takes effort.
There are many advantages to being in a commited relationship when young also.
You can still have fun like a single person does, like going out with friends, all the while getting the benefits of a long-term significant other. Also, you have found what most people look for their whole lives: someone that gets you.

You’re significant other is there for you and loves you during the time you are growing and becoming who you want to be.

Relationships are so much better than a casual fling. The laughter is deeper, the affection is way stronger and you are constantly reassured of your talents and aspirations.

Your family won’t keep bugging you to meet someone, they will have already known him and love him. Also, you have that special someone to take to all the family gatherings.

While friends are telling you about all the immature guys they meet on dating apps or at college parties, you don’t have to deal with jerks on a weekly basis. At the end of the day, someone will always be there waiting for you.

Monogamy equals reduced risk of STDs. Win.

You teach each other many new things, adventure together, and tackle different challenges together.

You don’t have the pressure of moving too quickly. You can take it slow. you have later in life to get married.

It is great to always have a drunken dance partner who will look out for you or you look out for him and to get each other home in one piece.

Doing those boring humdrum things like going grocery shopping or homework becomes instantly more fun with a partner right by your side.

You can stay home without feeling the pressure to go out and about. On the nights you do go out, you don’t have to be fake and sweet to the really drunken guys at the bar or party because he’s with you. It’s a win-win situation every time!

You help push each each other to become better people, recognize each one’s flaws and have someone there to remind you they love every single part of you.

Lastly, when your single friends tell you that they can’t find a nice, normal guy and wish they had someone like yours, you can feel lucky and blessed to have found someone so wonderful like him.

 

[Otage]

I meant earlier when I said"sex outside of marriage is wrong", that if you are in marriage, then sex outside of it is wrong. It's commitment. Personally never wanted to get married. It's not my institution.

And one can get to know other even if they have sex. It's not that big deal. Must be fun to realize when you are married, and both have sex for the first time, and there is no chemistry, or they don't really even know their sexuality. Many relationships fall because of bad sex or lack of intimicity. Sex often enforces intimacy. And yes, it's best with someone you love, but it can also be best with someone you don't love. They are great in different way. And ofc just sex doesn't make relationship. Even just love alone, if nothing else works, is enough. Two person make the relationship together from their own perspectives.

 

[lhardwick69]

no sex before marriage--until recently gay men are allowed to marry--but for years we havent been able to--what supposed to do ?--jack off and use toys because you dont think we should have sex before marriage--

dont take it personally--but when began on here you were still a virgin--are you nowif you are i am sure there is a reason--whether it is that youre afraid people will find out you are gay--and how they will react--

if two people are married and one of them people have sex with someone out of that relationship/mariage its called cheating and i hate cheaters--

but no one waits for sex after marriage--i dont care who says they did--they lied--its a fantasy that all lie about--

 

[Shelter]

dragonscub

That is true, but everything of worth takes effort.
There are many advantages to being in a commited relationship when young also.
You can still have fun like a single person does, like going out with friends, all the while getting the benefits of a long-term significant other. Also, you have found what most people look for their whole lives: someone that gets you.

You’re significant other is there for you and loves you during the time you are growing and becoming who you want to be.

Relationships are so much better than a casual fling. The laughter is deeper, the affection is way stronger and you are constantly reassured of your talents and aspirations.

Your family won’t keep bugging you to meet someone, they will have already known him and love him. Also, you have that special someone to take to all the family gatherings.

While friends are telling you about all the immature guys they meet on dating apps or at college parties, you don’t have to deal with jerks on a weekly basis. At the end of the day, someone will always be there waiting for you.

Monogamy equals reduced risk of STDs. Win.

You teach each other many new things, adventure together, and tackle different challenges together.

You don’t have the pressure of moving too quickly. You can take it slow. you have later in life to get married.

It is great to always have a drunken dance partner who will look out for you or you look out for him and to get each other home in one piece.

Doing those boring humdrum things like going grocery shopping or homework becomes instantly more fun with a partner right by your side.

You can stay home without feeling the pressure to go out and about. On the nights you do go out, you don’t have to be fake and sweet to the really drunken guys at the bar or party because he’s with you. It’s a win-win situation every time!

You help push each each other to become better people, recognize each one’s flaws and have someone there to remind you they love every single part of you.

Lastly, when your single friends tell you that they can’t find a nice, normal guy and wish they had someone like yours, you can feel lucky and blessed to have found someone so wonderful like him.

:thumbs up::thumbs up:
Thank you Stonecold for this great plea for a "longterm relationship". I can subscribe every word you have written here for 100%. I'm living now with my love since 12 years in such a "longterm-relationship". And we are living in this relationship with all ups and downs which will happen in every life of every couple may it be gay or lesbian or straight.

And yes we have many friends which are laughing about us as "old-fashioned" or as an "old-couple" (we are 29 and 31!!!). They very often tell us from their "adventures" and that they couldn't understand our lifestyle.

But I think the very most important thing of a "longterm-relationship" is: if you are coming home, you are not alone And if you have problems or some kind of sorrows, there will be one who will understand you, who will support you with help and advice and if necessary with a firm and tender hug.
Love is not only "the bed-plays" - love is much more. Sex is a very important thing in a relationship (and not only in a relationship!) - but, as you have revealed it in your wonderful post, there are so many other things which will give you this feeling to be loved and to love.

So and from this reason once more a big hug and many loving kisses for this great contribution to the defence of the "longterm relationship" p:heart::big hug::thumbs up:

 

[wardell]

no sex before marriage--until recently gay men are allowed to marry--but for years we havent been able to--what supposed to do ?--jack off and use toys because you dont think we should have sex before marriage--

dont take it personally--but when began on here you were still a virgin--are you nowif you are i am sure there is a reason--whether it is that youre afraid people will find out you are gay--and how they will react--

if two people are married and one of them people have sex with someone out of that relationship/mariage its called cheating and i hate cheaters--

but no one waits for sex after marriage--i dont care who says they did--they lied--its a fantasy that all lie about--

I don't care If you have or any one else has sex before marriage. I was only talking about myself. and yes I am still a virgin

 

[dragonscub]

That is true, but everything of worth takes effort. There are many advantages to being in a commited relationship when young also. {...}

Agree with you on all points. That is my own personal attitude, and has been since I was very young.

HOWEVER: it is unrealistic for a young man in 2017 in USA to possibly waste his entire life hoping for a miracle. And make no mistake: a successful, long-term gay male relationship *is* a minor miracle. If you refuse to have sex until you are firmly ensconced in such a miracle, you could be waiting a very very long time.

Gay life now is no less hyper-sexualized than it was when we were coming out, Stonecold: if anything, technology has increased it. The odds of meeting another 20-25 y/o virgin who is saving himself for his first relationship, and mutually falling in love, are vanishingly small. If you do find him, chances are 50/50 the sexual chemistry will be disappointing. This happens constantly with straight people, even more so with gays. I've been there, done that, got the postcards (and so have many friends of all ages I've discussed this with over the years). There is nothing more crushing to your "relationship" dream than to find someone great and discover the sex is for shit.

This happens to relationship-oriented gays far more often than they care to admit. The over-riding drive to be in a relationship can make you stay in one that isn't fundamentally satisfying for way too long, especially if its your first and especially if you've never had sex with anyone else. This can be a devastating waste of your prime years.

That is why I recommend keeping an open mind. Some very nice guys are not meant to be your life partner, but can show you a great time for awhile and help you mature. "Casual sex" doesn't necessarily mean just Grindr hookups: it can mean guys you play around with for weeks or months with mutual respect and affection but no strings. The less stress you put on finding sex, the more equipped you'll be to make an accurate evaluation when a guy with real potential comes along. You want to be able to clearly judge your compatibility in important areas outside of sex, as well as get a handle on whether you're a good fit sexually.

A modi of prior experience, even if its just 2 or 3 casual encounters, will give you the tools to figure this stuff out within a few months of dating a man. Without prior experience, first time sex with a first time relationship can lead to a years-long delusion that ends badly for no good reason. You really REALLY do not want to wake up at 28 and realize you've just killed 5 years with someone who had no chance of working out for the long haul, all because you were terrified you'd never find another sex partner.

Could you meet the love of your life very young ? Sure! After all, Shelter did it, among others here on GH. But it isn't common, esp not in redneck regions of USA. Keep your ideals, live your truth, but try to keep a reasonable, realistic attitude toward love and sex. Like it or not, most of us need to try several men before we find the right one. Limiting your terms of engagement to "only if you commit to me" will make that needlessly difficult, and could very well lose you an opportunity to meet someone who is perfect for you.

Good luck.p

 

[Stonecold]

dragonscub

Gay life now is no less hyper-sexualized than it was when we were coming out, Stonecold: if anything, technology has increased it. The odds of meeting another 20-25 y/o virgin who is saving himself for his first relationship, and mutually falling in love, are vanishingly small. If you do find him, chances are 50/50 the sexual chemistry will be disappointing.

I disagree, the chances now are greater because of technology that you can find someone looking for the same things.
dragonscub

You really REALLY do not want to wake up at 28 and realize you've just killed 5 years with someone who had no chance of working out for the long haul, all because you were terrified you'd never find another sex partner.

So are you saying it is better to wake up at 28 having had many sexual partners and possibly something that will affect your health the rest of your life?
dragonscub

There is nothing more crushing to your "relationship" dream than to find someone great and discover the sex is for shit.

I do agree this is a huge problem for straights who are much more rigid.
I however think if two Gay people truly love each other sex can be worked out.
There are trade offs either way you go.
My main point is if someone wants to wait for a long term relationship it is no less valid then sleeping around, and maybe missing out on a variety of sexual experiences but staying healthy is worth it.

 

[dragonscub]

So are you saying it is better to wake up at 28 having had many sexual partners and possibly something that will affect your health the rest of your life?

No, that isn't what I mean at all. This seems to be one of those days when I can't seem to get my thoughts across clearly, and they're being misinterpreted.

I'm not suggesting that a young (perhaps virginal) man who is relationship-oriented should toss that instinct aside to sleep around indiscriminately. What I'm saying is that it may be unrealistic to expect your first experience MUST only be within the context of a committed relationship. There simply aren't all that many men willing to date extensively before testing their sexual compatibility with you: if you insist on a proper full-on relationship as a requirement for having your first sexual experience, it may be a long wait.

That wait, if it drags on too long, can lead to unnecessary neuroses developing that lead you to make costly mistakes. Jumping directly from lonely virginity into a relationship can be fraught with issues unless you are jaw-droppingly lucky enough to meet THE perfect guy with the patience to deal with your shit. Tying yourself in sexual knots over how your first time MUST go down isn't exactly conducive to meeting that perfect partner.

Be alert and flexible enough with your "rules" to seize opportunities that may present themselves. If you meet a really nice guy who isn't looking for an immediate relationship, but you feel a strong attraction, and he's respectful of your virginity, there's nothing wrong with (safely) exploring that attraction. At worst, you'll have had your first experience with no relationship drama. At best, he might later become relationship material. In any case, you will have experienced the reality of sex with someone you wanted, good or bad or in-between. All the worrying over what sex actually is will begin to dissipate, and you'll begin to get a concrete notion of what truly gets you off (instead of what you imagined might get you off). There are advantages to having this experience with someone you don't expect to "marry" - the emotional baggage is much less intense.

No one will judge you if you happen to have your first sexual encounter outside of a committed relationship, least of all the guy who finally becomes your partner. I'm not suggesting you engage in multiple random hookups, just be open to the possibility you might have sex with two or three semi-serious dating partners before you find "the one". If you can manage to have your first time occur within a full-on relationship, great! But if it ends up being in a more casual context instead, enjoy it and learn from it. Doesn't mean you abandoned your principles, it just means you've begun your journey towards that eventual relationship partner.

As far as health goes, foolish naive people can catch god-knows-what from a "committed" partner as easily as from a casual partner or random hookup. We are all responsible for our own bodies and making decisions about safer sex. Unless both parties are utter virgins who've lived in a bubble all their lives (and theres no way to verify that short of hypnosis and a shot of sodium pentothal). A well-meaning, inexperienced but careless partner can pose more of a health risk to you than a promiscuous partner who takes responsibility for his health and respects the health of his playmates.

 

[Stonecold]

I got your meaning, I just don't agree with you that it is unrealistic. I think it is every bit as realistic as any other option. I am not saying one is better then the other. I agree no one will judge you and no one should. I assure you they don't live in a bubble and for 55 bucks here you can get tested and prove you are clean.
dragonscub

Be alert and flexible enough with your "rules" to take advantage of opportunities that may present themselves.

I think that in a way is judging them, if they want to wait for that special someone they
should not feel they are missing out. I know the young guys I knew do not look at missing having sex with a hottie as a lost opportunity.

 

[wardell]

my problem, is I do feel like I am missing out. It feels like I am wasting my youth. my values are holding me back I don't want to break them but at the same time, I want to have some fun but it feels wrong to just go out and have a hookup I'm stuck on one hand I think hookups are wrong but on the other hand I what to have fun

 

[Stonecold]

You got to do what you feel is right. The right thing is what feels right to you.

 

[lhardwick69]

you a virgin because saying have morals and using that as an excuse...or does the idea of actually doing it scare you to point youll make up excuses...i was horny n hard at young age didnt understand why but it didnt stop me from feelings i had to pursue what made me horny

 

[Otage]

I feel like hook up for some means smth very degenerate and morally loose. For some it might, but personally with hook ups I use lot of consideration. Is the guy nice, does he seem trustworthy enough, do we want the same thing, see that neither hurts other ones values etc. And the term is bit confusing. Is a date that lasts that one sexual encounter a hook up? For me that's okay, if there just isn't enough personal connection. Good date is good start for something that goes further. That's how my relationships have started.

But it's hard to find someone, if you at the very beginning have long restricting list of qualities, morals and don't. Some times opposites work, but all an all it's all about the chemistry between two individuals. Certain qualities fit for one, but with some one else they are annoying. The whole entirety(is this even a real word?) counts.All I'm saying, don't restrict yourself and your possibilities too much. You make decissions, and if they don't get you where you wanna be, re-evaluate and change approach, or accept that your way my need more effort on your side, new ways to get there. Or you can blame everyone elses approach.

 

[Otage]

And don't wanna dis relationships either. I have learnt a lot from mine. New perspectives towards life, hobbies, cooking recipies just to mention few.

But I accept there can be different lasting relationships. It takes years to get to know one truly. And if after years of relationship all hope is gone, and nothing hadn't helped to fix the situation, it's best for both to move on. One can't know things will go happily till death, and ofc you can gring and bare it till that, and both be miserable. Till death.

 

[thuck32]

my sexual morals and values are WAY different then most, which is why I will probably never find any one (please note this is not to put any one down these are just what I believe)

I think hookups are wrong , I believe sex outside of marriage is wrong again if that what you like good for you, its just not for me. people now days are so quick to have sex that they are willing to walk away from a guy just because he is not willing to put out. which is why I will probably die a virgin. I'm am so sick of people looking for just sex what happened to getting to know each other. I should not have to put away my morals and values just to find a date. I'm scared this will stop me from ever finding any one to love because once they find out my views on sex they stop talking to me all because I'm not willing to hookup ~X(

(again I am only talking about myself if you like hookups then by all means go out and have all the fun you want )

Exactly! Even if im posting at a gayforum, women these days dont want to know your name. Its just like: You look good! SEX ???. Its crazy!