First, a song - because you are not alone. Even people where there are lots of gays and activities sometimes feel trapped like this kid the play
Dear Evan Hansen wondering why they can't ever make a connection.
(I have the whole play up here and I think you would really identify with it. But it's a bootleg and the links will probably be taken down by the end of the day, so get to it soon if you are interested.)
The mind is an amazing place. The reality around us is only "there" because our eyes, ears, and skin translate radiation and vibrations into electrical signals in our brain that we interpret as sound, light, touch, taste, smell, thoughts, and memories. It's a wonder any of us can function in the world at all. All we have are these pictures in our minds of what the outside world is like. So if our brains are fudging the facts - how would we know? (Are we in
The Matrix?)
We are the stories we tell ourselves. That's what counts. The thing is, those stories often don't have a whole lot to do with what is actually happening on the outside.
And if those stories are in fact crippling us, we need to change the narrative just to move forward and keep from getting stuck.
If people criticize you at the animal shelter or good will store that can feel like a traumatic rejection. (Or maybe it is replaying a traumatic rejection from your past.) That is the reality in your mind.
But it is not the only possible story. Evidence for that is the fact that other people seem to be able to bounce back from that sort of thing without a scratch. ("You don't like what I am doing? OK. How can I do better? Who can I work with that does this well that can teach me how to do things better?") For them, someone not liking them or what they are doing is not a dagger to the heart. There is a resilience there; a thicker skin; negative comments aren't personal.
They have a different story going on in their head. The narrative isn't 101 ways I am a broken mess and here is way 102. The story is I am fine and I can give love and the benefit of the doubt to other people. Now those other people criticizing them may still be rotten. Or not - who knows?
But starting with the assumption that everyone sees in you the things you hate about yourself and hates them too is a prescription for misery.
You need a lot of help to undo a lifetime of living in a story about yourself where you are the broken rejected thing. You know that, and you can't afford to get that help right now. I understand.
But, you know what they say -
the first thing to do when you find yourself digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole is to stop digging. You may not have the means or plans to get out at the moment - but you can stop digging yourself deeper in.
Here is something to do. Take a small thing. A doable thing. Something that doesn't require somebody else's help or permission. Something that will make your life just one level better and do it. Just to prove that you can. Clean a room. Organize your tools. Plant a garden. Write a two page story or article.
These are called "baby steps". Don't bite off a big project and then feel like a failure when you can't get it off the ground. Just do a small thing well. This helps overturn the narrative that you are a failure. You are not.
If you can do a couple of these, then add a new layer.
Do a little something for someone else. Maybe fix something for someone - a neighbor, friend, or family member. Of sculpt something they would like. Just a small thing that can be done in no more than two hours. Baby steps. Give it to them. This unwinds the story that you can't connect or have anything to give to others.
The big stuff is still down there inside and needs to be unpacked. But just like a earthquake fault relieves pressure with tremors from time to time, you can relive some of the existential pressure by doing these small things for yourself and others that prove you are a capable talented person who can love and be loved.
Much love to you on this Easter morning.
New beginnings - that's the theme of the day.
