Strange relationship with a straight guy

[nadare80]

Hi all,
I have this kinda strange relationship with one of my colleague in the office. I am gay, and i think he that knows i am gay, because he always makes jokes about me liking boys instead of girls. He is very kind to me and spent most of his time with me instead of his long-time girlfriend (soon to be his wife though). We always had like a great time together, hanging out together just the 2 of us.
So recently both of us stayed at a hotel in the same room. He asked me about the possibility of making 3-some with a girl. But i was kinda not OK with the idea of hiring a prostitute for that reason.
In the end, We talked about sex life, mostly his. But we didn't make any moves, so it was just nothing happened.
I am kinda confused what kind of relationship do we have here? i wonder if we already cross the boundary of friendship, because you know he sometimes let me play with his leg and arm hairs, fingers.
From my observation he is straight, because visually it is women whom he is attracted to. His former sex-experience (from what he told me) are all with girls, and he never express anything with gay-impression on me.
I actually don't want any relationship, because i want to focus on my career but this feeling is killing me...
Please help me....i am confused, i wish i could just get over him
Thanks in advance

 

[Casanova]

Honestly, I would stay far from any relationships (including sexual) with this guy as he's got a girlfriend (and one he is going to marry)

I know there is nothing you can do about his curiosity, and if he is really curious he would go and sleep around with any other guy, but I think you should do the most respectable thing, not only for his girlfriend, but for yourself.

And mind you.. this is the nicest way for me to put it.

 

[jw4833]

I totally agree with Gypsy, you should keep your distance from this situation because let's just say if something jumped off while he is intoxicated for the most part. When he regained soberness, he could turn everything on you and fabricate the story to the degree that you took advantage of him while he was under the influence of alcohol. That's just a scenario of what could happen. Nonetheless, this does not sound promising at all. Move on and let it go...hate to be so hard hitting ..but it is what it is...

 

[sazerac61]

Straight guys can be completely accepting of gays as friends. I was so in love with a straight friend and then anothe more recently. I guess I have a thing for straight guys. One told me he'd be mad if a guy hit on him and was glad that I never had done that. I guess its frustrating more than anything but ya sorta can't kelp who you fall for.

 

[fakesoy2009]

I agree with everyone, you should stay away from a guy who allredy has a relationship. Sometimes you can get mixed signals from straight guys, but always remember, if he seems attracted to girls, he is probably attracted to girls. Don´t worry, you can always play with the idea... but just play with it, nothing more... at least that my advice.

 

[dutchpig]

I disagree with those advises. If I'd really like him, I'd make a move.
The girlfriend is not your responsibility.

 

[heatherheather]

Hi there, just want to warn you — if you really want to focus on your career don't do any moves, if he's straight there'll be a one-night stand and nothing more. i have many friends knowing i'm gay and joking about this, and we spend time together but it doesn't mean they'd have sex with me. if he didn't work with you it'd be another case but in this one... you'd better work and don't spoil friendship

 

[nadare80]

Thanks for the reply,
That would be easy if he doesn't keep flirting with me at work AND off-work (while we are hanging out together)...and worst of all, he turns me on......

He is the kind of guy who can't just love one person...so he actually had several sexual AND romantic affairs with other girls despite having a long time girlfriend.

I like having him also as a good friend, so i don't want to get distance from him, but it would make even harder for me to overcome the attraction.

 

[Casanova]

Hi nadare.. so great to hear from you again, and updating us on his past affairs. This has answered a few questions I've had in my mind about him.

If he is capable of having sex with many women behind his long-term girlfriend's back, what is stopping him from playing mind games with you? Especially if the two of you slept together and he felt guilty after having sex with, you 'a man'? He sounds like the type of guy, if caught having sex with another guy, would accuse that guy of anything.

And yes, he may be a very good friend now, but remember, people change - go ask his girlfriend who probably trusts him with her life. Remember, he is capable of fucking up his relationship with his girlfriend, what's stopping him from fucking up a friendship, or your jobs?

 

[nadare80]

Thanks,
I don't think he has ulterior motives or something. His mind is quite simple to read.
Some girls he had were completely OK with having such as open-relationship with him, and he is honest from the beginning that he is in a relationship with someone else.


Actually we've been working together for like 2 years. But the sparks started like 2 months ago when we started doing a lot work together until late night at the office.

I fell for him because of his "sweet" caring stuff he always do to me...like picking me up in the middle of somewhere, waiting for me for hours until my job is done, etc. In the end, he actually spent more time with me than his girlfriend. And we are having a great time together...

I think he wants to get married with his long-time girlfriend, because he wants to change himself and to be committed to someone.
I am those kind of people who are unable to have a romantic relationship at all, because i think more with brain instead of heart.

 

[dutchpig]

The thing is: if you take the well intended advises, and don't make a move...
you might end up later in life thinking back: "what if I had..."

So it depends if the risks are really huge (like losing your job or something?) then you might think again, but if none of that is an issue, then it wouldn't hurt to try and discover if he's up for more.

 

[lyonhunter]

The co-worker scenario is very tricky because you have no clue what repercussions you could face. A incident happened to a former friend of mine. He traveled a lot with his job and often with a young woman, who we will call Jane. Jane would make advances here and there but since he was married with 2 kids, he didn't make any moves.

However, one drunken night in Vegas changed it all. He tried to distance himself from Jane and I suppose she did not like that so, she claimed false sexual harassment and got away with it.

We are not mind readers. My advice is to sit him down and have a talk. Tell him about the signals, how you interpret them and ask him to explain. If he is looking for sex (whether on-going or one night) it should be a mutual decision between both of you. However, if you can't emotionally handle it just being a one night stand, then avoid the situation at all costs.

 

[casino]

I could have been that straight guy. I didn't "discover" men until later in life (my kids are grown) and I'm still married and in the closet. He could be trying to send you signals that he would like to experiment, or that he has a crush on you. While a relationship, however brief, may be good for him, it cold be devastating for you in a number of dimensions (workplace, emotionally, etc.). Think hard about what you want before acting.....

 

[nadare80]

uff it wouldn't be this difficult if i don't have to see him everyday....and EVEN better if he stopped doing those flirty things to me....

the risk is actually i won't be able to work together again with him like now, therefore it would harm my work (not my job) more or less....

Yesterday we actually spent the night in a hotel room. Because i couldn't sleep he suggested me to go out.
We ended up exploring the whole city until 3 pm in the morning with motorcycle (that was kinda romantic...)
After then we went back to the hotel room, and he talked a lot about his former relationship with girls....those stories actually turn me on...so bad lol...but i was just listening to him until he fell asleep. I didn't make a move at all because i tried so hard to control myself.

I am kinda confused if this is a normal friendship or not?
I see no future for me having serious relationship with him. But ONS and sexual relationship..mixed with friendship or whatsoever could be something i could imagine with him. This is kinda complicated.

Thanks for your help!!

 

[lyonhunter]

Are you guys friends outside the workplace or just co-workers?
Take in mind, these flirtations may just be temporary. Maybe the gf isn't giving it to him. Sex isn't a causal conversation so it appears he wants to bump skins with you in some capacity. I say talk to him about it bc it's going to eat at you until you do. That way, if its just flirting or a one nighter, you're know how to handle it

 

[istorm]

Are you crazy??

Let me get this right...A hot straight guy wants to have a threeway with you (with a woman) and you say no? Are you straight-o-phobic? He clearly wants to experiment and have sex with you as a buddy. Do it! You'll have a blast, try something new (as will he) and worst case, the crush will mellow in time and you'll have a fun, bro-mance, buddy kinda thing thing with a straight guy.

Sheesh. If we learned to think more like straight guys life would be a lot simpler, and a hell of a lot more fun. (imo)

--I

 

[XMan101]

Personally speaking (& I have a similar situation actually) never let it go beyond the harmless flirting. It's never wise to mix sex & friendships.

For me I prefer the friend to the sex so it'll never happen, although I never say never it's unlikely and I won't encourage it.

 

[intowner]

I found that people who are comfortable with themselves and their relationships are really friendly people. Even still, there are limits that everyone has, and some people over-compensate being uncomfortable with trying to seem totally cool with a situation. It *sounds* like there's a little bit of projection going on here from you, but that's just an outsider's view. My advice (again, as an outsider and nobody of note), project a switch in gender in those confusing conversations. While it's getting more common, acceptance and interaction between homosexuals and heterosexuals on levels of bonding usually found in each independently is still uncommon and can be a little awkward when encountering it for the first time. Just work past it. (Easier said than done, but I think that's the best course of action -- from an outsider's view.)

 

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

If he jokes about you liking boys... than use the same tactic.

Hi all,
I have this kinda strange relationship with one of my colleague in the office. I am gay, and i think he that knows i am gay, because he always makes jokes about me liking boys instead of girls. He is very kind to me and spent most of his time with me instead of his long-time girlfriend (soon to be his wife though). We always had like a great time together, hanging out together just the 2 of us.
So recently both of us stayed at a hotel in the same room. He asked me about the possibility of making 3-some with a girl. But i was kinda not OK with the idea of hiring a prostitute for that reason.
In the end, We talked about sex life, mostly his. But we didn't make any moves, so it was just nothing happened.
I am kinda confused what kind of relationship do we have here? i wonder if we already cross the boundary of friendship, because you know he sometimes let me play with his leg and arm hairs, fingers.
From my observation he is straight, because visually it is women whom he is attracted to. His former sex-experience (from what he told me) are all with girls, and he never express anything with gay-impression on me.
I actually don't want any relationship, because i want to focus on my career but this feeling is killing me...
Please help me....i am confused, i wish i could just get over him
Thanks in advance

Well it's quite obvious that you'd be confused because first you have a strong desire for this guy and your mind is playing tricks. Many straight dude that are very open minded will quite often cracks Jokes of one's sexual orientation. Like many in this forum we are all surrounded at least by one straight dude that has a very open mind and throw continuous joke about your lifestyle or your sexual orientation. Now the only way to see if he might have any interest or objection is to fight fire with fire. If he jokes about you liking boys, well my dude use the same tactic, reply to the joke with one of your joke but use it to your advantage.

A straight telling me: I'll make sure not to drop my soap and pick it up while I stand behind, I'll reply with something like "what are you scared you might like it" or something like "give me the soap because I'll need to clean your ass first". He's using his imagination so use yours, learn to have an immediate rhetoric to all the Jokes and make it to your advantage. If you are that much of good friends he will not really mind and by responding to a joke by a joke is just playing the same game. He already know you're gay and if you are as close as you mentioned in your post there might be some hidden messages in his behavior.

It might take a while, but if he's not stupid he will quickly understand that in each respond you offer yourself as a possible victim for its first try out, it won't take long for him to start having serious question and he will eventually ask you if you have interest for him.

However as so many told in here, you walk on egg shells... be smart dude, be very smart. I have wrote few texts in this forum regarding bisexuality, bi-curious and other sexual orientations, you might want to go read them... but really try this little trick I gave you and let's see how long he'll keep making jokes after you've replied to them showing your interest.

I am kinda confused what kind of relationship do we have here? i wonder if we already cross the boundary of friendship, because you know he sometimes let me play with his leg and arm hairs, fingers.

It seems to me that you could enter the try-out gay experience discussion with him... not many straight would let a gay dude play like that even thought they are open minded.

Good luck and don't make yourself sick.

 

[topdog]

Personally speaking (& I have a similar situation actually) never let it go beyond the harmless flirting. It's never wise to mix sex & friendships...

... and WORK! Even if he was Mr. Perfect and wanted to marry me, I would have to pause and consider the possible career complications.

This could be especially bad if you did something and then he felt weird about it afterwards. That is a good plot for an office TV drama, but not anything I would want to live through. X_X